Unbelieving Spouse

[SaltoftheEarth]

Is there anyone else that is married to an unbeliever? If so, how do you handle it?
I am married to an unbelieving spouse. We were both unsaved when we got married. We we both alcoholics, I was saved three years into the marriage and have been living for Christ since. Took all of the evil things out of my life and have never looked back. Have also been teaching our children the ways of God.
Since the change, our relationship has gone from great to bad to worse. Our Father asked me to walk away from the marriage last year. We separated, then my husband came back with a renewed interest in fixing everything. Did very well for a few months, but is now back to square one.
I was a drinker and smoker. Gave them both up within 6 months of each other by the grace of God. I don't even have the urge to do anything even though my husband still drinks and smokes. Thank you Jesus! But the quantity of my husband drinking/smoking has increased over the years. If I speak up about it, I am nagging him about it or making him out to be a bad guy. If I say nothing, he takes my silence as a sign to continue and that I am ok with it. It is a bad example for the children and my oldest, by his own volition, has taken to saying so to his dad. I'm to blame for it even though I never told the children to say anything. The only thing I did was I told the children not to give him beers and not to touch his cigarettes.
It causes a lot of stress between us and I am now a religious nut in my husband's eyes. He says he wants to be with me, so I honor our commitment, but he is slowly pulling away from us. He sits outside most days and he has been going out of town for work more and more frequently. I see the signs of alcoholism taking the toll on his health and I am worried about him. It is hard and I feel that some days are difficult to get through with him, but I still love him and fear for his soul.
I am curious how others who have an unbelieving spouse cope with it. Sorry this is so long.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Believers are NOT to be yoked to unbelievers. Hubby isn't a believer. And he won't change his behavior. Take God's advice and leave hubby.. Turn him over to God and get a divorce.

 

[Mii]

Have you tried bringing up AA?

I think you have the proper ground for what you are considering,

Have you done marriage counseling?

 

[Hazelelponi]

Your not allowed according to Scripture to divorce except for abandonment or adultery, if the unbelieving spouse wants to stay married.

Which means, work out your marriage.

While your commonalities have changed, it doesn't mean you have the ability to change him, and honestly, trying to nag him into being a different person than the one you accepted when you married is adding stress onto your marriage that doesn't need to be there.

Pray for your husband to be saved, but love him for the man he is and give him the respect of being a good enough man to try and make it work.

Go to marriage counselling for yourself if need be.. but don't nag him away from God, love him the way Christ loves him, and love him into salvation. Show him the love of Christ..

Christ saves us and then we change, He doesn't beat us over the head saying change! change! before HE will save us..

We love HIM because He first loved us. Show that selfless love to your unsaved husband in your every action...

 

[TheLearner]

Is there anyone else that is married to an unbeliever? If so, how do you handle it?
I am married to an unbelieving spouse. We were both unsaved when we got married. We we both alcoholics, I was saved three years into the marriage and have been living for Christ since. Took all of the evil things out of my life and have never looked back. Have also been teaching our children the ways of God.
Since the change, our relationship has gone from great to bad to worse. Our Father asked me to walk away from the marriage last year. We separated, then my husband came back with a renewed interest in fixing everything. Did very well for a few months, but is now back to square one.
I was a drinker and smoker. Gave them both up within 6 months of each other by the grace of God. I don't even have the urge to do anything even though my husband still drinks and smokes. Thank you Jesus! But the quantity of my husband drinking/smoking has increased over the years. If I speak up about it, I am nagging him about it or making him out to be a bad guy. If I say nothing, he takes my silence as a sign to continue and that I am ok with it. It is a bad example for the children and my oldest, by his own volition, has taken to saying so to his dad. I'm to blame for it even though I never told the children to say anything. The only thing I did was I told the children not to give him beers and not to touch his cigarettes.
It causes a lot of stress between us and I am now a religious nut in my husband's eyes. He says he wants to be with me, so I honor our commitment, but he is slowly pulling away from us. He sits outside most days and he has been going out of town for work more and more frequently. I see the signs of alcoholism taking the toll on his health and I am worried about him. It is hard and I feel that some days are difficult to get through with him, but I still love him and fear for his soul.
I am curious how others who have an unbelieving spouse cope with it. Sorry this is so long.

This is simple, make him leave to go into treatment. Maybe while is there he can come to Jesus and get turned around. It is not fair for you and the kids to be uprooted. Call your family about moving in with them. Contact a women's abuse shelter, group for help. Along with drunkenness comes abuse.

 

[TheLearner]

Believers are NOT to be yoked to unbelievers. Hubby isn't a believer. And he won't change his behavior. Take God's advice and leave hubby.. Turn him over to God and get a divorce.

1 Corinthians 7:12-17 Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)
12 The advice I have for the others is from me. The Lord did not give us any teaching about this. If you have a wife who is not a believer, you should not divorce her if she will continue to live with you. 13 And if you have a husband who is not a believer, you should not divorce him if he will continue to live with you. 14 The husband who is not a believer is set apart for God through his believing wife. And the wife who is not a believer is set apart for God through her believing husband. If this were not true, your children would be unfit for God’s use. But now they are set apart for him.

15 But if the husband or wife who is not a believer decides to leave, let them leave. When this happens, the brother or sister in Christ is free. God chose you to have a life of peace. 16 Wives, maybe you will save your husband; and husbands, maybe you will save your wife. You don’t know now what will happen later.

Live as God Called You
17 But each one of you should continue to live the way the Lord God has given you to live—the way you were when God chose you. I tell people in all the churches to follow this rule.

 

[TheLearner]

Your not allowed according to Scripture to divorce except for abandonment or adultery, if the unbelieving spouse wants to stay married.

Which means, work out your marriage.

While your commonalities have changed, it doesn't mean you have the ability to change him, and honestly, trying to nag him into being a different person than the one you accepted when you married is adding stress onto your marriage that doesn't need to be there.

Pray for your husband to be saved, but love him for the man he is and give him the respect of being a good enough man to try and make it work.

Go to marriage counselling for yourself if need be.. but don't nag him away from God, love him the way Christ loves him, and love him into salvation. Show him the love of Christ..

Christ saves us and then we change, He doesn't beat us over the head saying change! change! before HE will save us..

We love HIM because He first loved us. Show that selfless love to your unsaved husband in your every action...

Unrealistic Advise because of the abuse.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Unrealistic Advise because of the abuse.

She noted no abuse.. your making an assumption.

 

[SaltoftheEarth]

He will not go to marriage counseling. He thinks counseling causes more problems. I rarely say anything about his drinking. When I first stopped drinking, he asked me how long I was stopping for over and over. When he realized I was serious about not drinking, he quit asking me. He became very defensive about it and would offer me a drink here and there. I quit asking about his drinking several years ago when he got very angry and told me that he was a drinker, he'll always be a drinker. Since he came home, I've tried talking to him about it two times in the past year and both times was completely shut down. The first time I asked him how he was doing with his drinking (he travels a lot so we are not always together). He told me not to worry about it, he has a handle on it and I need to stop bringing it up. The second time I asked a few days ago, we started talking about his health and the drinking came up. I asked if he thought the drinking had anything to do with his health and he accused me of constantly nagging him about it. So I changed the subject. My silence is what he wants so he doesn't feel convicted. I understand this. When he came home, I prayed and I was told to honor the marriage. For now I'm doing what our Father wants.

 

[CharliRenee]

First, congratulations on your salvation and on youe desire to live for God. Wow, way to go. I understand it ins't easy. You were equally yoked when you got married, so it isn't as easy as it may seem to others.

Let's see what our Lord has to say...

But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
1 Corinthians 7:12‭-‬16 NASB
https://bible.com/bible/100/1co.7.12-16.NASB.

This speaks volumes on the subject. I suppose lots of prayer and forgiveness are required. It is easy for a divorced person, such as myself, to encourage you to stay.

I just want to encourage you to keep reaching out for I am certain there are many sisters in Christ in your position that can provide you with fellowship and maybe counsel. Please always take it up with Him, our Lord, though as He knows BEST!!!

 

[Hazelelponi]

He will not go to marriage counseling. He thinks counseling causes more problems. I rarely say anything about his drinking. When I first stopped drinking, he asked me how long I was stopping for over and over. When he realized I was serious about not drinking, he quit asking me. He became very defensive about it and would offer me a drink here and there. I quit asking about his drinking several years ago when he got very angry and told me that he was a drinker, he'll always be a drinker. Since he came home, I've tried talking to him about it two times in the past year and both times was completely shut down. The first time I asked him how he was doing with his drinking (he travels a lot so we are not always together). He told me not to worry about it, he has a handle on it and I need to stop bringing it up. The second time I asked a few days ago, we started talking about his health and the drinking came up. I asked if he thought the drinking had anything to do with his health and he accused me of constantly nagging him about it. So I changed the subject. My silence is what he wants so he doesn't feel convicted. I understand this. When he came home, I prayed and I was told to honor the marriage. For now I'm doing what our Father wants.

I don't have personal experience with alcoholism, or alcoholics but from what I hear they have to hit bottom before they get help.

You might try a support group for families of alcoholics, Al-Anon Family Group, in your area.

That seems to be the best for your specific situation..

 

[maxwel]

You should start with some pastoral counseling.
He should be able to give you some practical advice which is also biblical, and spiritually focused.

Then see if you pastor can recommend some kind of women's study or support group... it's biblical to seek help when you're going through difficult things.

I personally know women who've gone through the exact same thing, and who kept praying and conducting themselves as a loving witness until the husband eventually got saved.
It does happen.
It's not guaranteed, but it certainly does happen.

It's always best to do what's right, and what's biblical, even when it's hard... we never know what God has planned.

The reason I advised pastoral counseling is that sometimes when things are really hard, we have trouble navigating; we have trouble telling what's right and what's biblical.

If things are no worse than you're telling us, your pastor will probably recommend you stay the course, and keep praying... but it things are much worse than you're telling us, he may recommend something else.
So regardless of what you've told us, be sure to tell your pastor everything, so he can give you good counsel.


.

 

[TheLearner]

She noted no abuse.. your making an assumption.

Thanks, I grew up in that environment. I have the scares to prove it. It is a very good assumption to have because it is real world.

Based on published studies, Roizen (3) summarized the percentages of violent offenders who were drinking at the time of the offense as follows: up to 86 percent of homicide offenders, 37 percent of assault offenders, 60 percent of sexual offenders, up to 57 percent of men and 27 percent of women involved in marital ...
Alcohol, Violence, and Aggression - Alcohol Alert No. 38-1997

https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa38.htm
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4582621/

If you suffer abuse from an intimate partner, please stop what you’re doing, and call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/alcohol/crimes/domestic-abuse/

https://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/violence/world_report/factsheets/fs_intimate.pdf
https://www.drugrehab.com/addiction/alcohol/facts-and-stats/
https://talbottcampus.com/alcoholism-statistics/
https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-facts-and-statistics


https://www.google.com/search?ei=9t...0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j33i160.OjqysHhAeF4

https://scholar.google.com/scholar?...+violence&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart

 

[Dino246]

Is there anyone else that is married to an unbeliever? If so, how do you handle it?
I am married to an unbelieving spouse. We were both unsaved when we got married. We we both alcoholics, I was saved three years into the marriage and have been living for Christ since. Took all of the evil things out of my life and have never looked back. Have also been teaching our children the ways of God.
Since the change, our relationship has gone from great to bad to worse. Our Father asked me to walk away from the marriage last year. We separated, then my husband came back with a renewed interest in fixing everything. Did very well for a few months, but is now back to square one.
I was a drinker and smoker. Gave them both up within 6 months of each other by the grace of God. I don't even have the urge to do anything even though my husband still drinks and smokes. Thank you Jesus! But the quantity of my husband drinking/smoking has increased over the years. If I speak up about it, I am nagging him about it or making him out to be a bad guy. If I say nothing, he takes my silence as a sign to continue and that I am ok with it. It is a bad example for the children and my oldest, by his own volition, has taken to saying so to his dad. I'm to blame for it even though I never told the children to say anything. The only thing I did was I told the children not to give him beers and not to touch his cigarettes.
It causes a lot of stress between us and I am now a religious nut in my husband's eyes. He says he wants to be with me, so I honor our commitment, but he is slowly pulling away from us. He sits outside most days and he has been going out of town for work more and more frequently. I see the signs of alcoholism taking the toll on his health and I am worried about him. It is hard and I feel that some days are difficult to get through with him, but I still love him and fear for his soul.
I am curious how others who have an unbelieving spouse cope with it. Sorry this is so long.

Hello and welcome to CC, SaltoftheEarth...

Sorry for your struggle. I can relate to parts of it. I would encourage you to pray much. From what you have shared, you're one the right track. Pray not just for your husband, the marriage, and your children, but also just to walk closely with your heavenly Father. He will be present with you and will give you strength and peace. He knows your situation, and He will carry you.

I would also suggest that you make a back-pocket plan to separate, should your husband become abusive. Separation in this case means physical safety, not necessarily divorce. For your own edification, you might check out the videos on YouTube's TheDoveTV channel, with Patrick Doyle... he's a Christian counselor with lots of relevant experience.

 

[TheLearner]

He will not go to marriage counseling. He thinks counseling causes more problems. I rarely say anything about his drinking. When I first stopped drinking, he asked me how long I was stopping for over and over. When he realized I was serious about not drinking, he quit asking me. He became very defensive about it and would offer me a drink here and there. I quit asking about his drinking several years ago when he got very angry and told me that he was a drinker, he'll always be a drinker. Since he came home, I've tried talking to him about it two times in the past year and both times was completely shut down. The first time I asked him how he was doing with his drinking (he travels a lot so we are not always together). He told me not to worry about it, he has a handle on it and I need to stop bringing it up. The second time I asked a few days ago, we started talking about his health and the drinking came up. I asked if he thought the drinking had anything to do with his health and he accused me of constantly nagging him about it. So I changed the subject. My silence is what he wants so he doesn't feel convicted. I understand this. When he came home, I prayed and I was told to honor the marriage. For now I'm doing what our Father wants.

it is false guilt, get out of there, go to a Women's shelter for help, if he hit you call the Police on the way. Take the Children with you. Get a court order and a gun.

 

[TheLearner]

You should start with some pastoral counseling.
He should be able to give you some practical advice which is also biblical, and spiritually focused.

Then see if you pastor can recommend some kind of women's study or support group... it's biblical to seek help when you're going through difficult things.

I personally know women who've gone through the exact same thing, and who kept praying and conducting themselves as a loving witness until the husband eventually got saved.
It does happen.
It's not guaranteed, but it certainly does happen.

It's always best to do what's right, and what's biblical, even when it's hard... we never know what God has planned.

The reason I advised pastoral counseling is that sometimes when things are really hard, we have trouble navigating; we have trouble telling what's right and what's biblical.

If things are no worse than you're telling us, your pastor will probably recommend you stay the course, and keep praying... but it things are much worse than you're telling us, he may recommend something else.
So regardless of what you've told us, be sure to tell your pastor everything, so he can give you good counsel.


.

If the pastor works with a woman's shelter that is great advice. If not the wife must find a Pastor who does work with Women's shelters.

Pastor's without experience will more likely get you killed from over spiritualizing everything.

 

[TheLearner]

read to here

 

[Mii]

1 Corinthians 7:12-17 Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)
12 The advice I have for the others is from me. The Lord did not give us any teaching about this. If you have a wife who is not a believer, you should not divorce her if she will continue to live with you. 13 And if you have a husband who is not a believer, you should not divorce him if he will continue to live with you. 14 The husband who is not a believer is set apart for God through his believing wife. And the wife who is not a believer is set apart for God through her believing husband. If this were not true, your children would be unfit for God’s use. But now they are set apart for him.

15 But if the husband or wife who is not a believer decides to leave, let them leave. When this happens, the brother or sister in Christ is free. God chose you to have a life of peace. 16 Wives, maybe you will save your husband; and husbands, maybe you will save your wife. You don’t know now what will happen later.

Live as God Called You
17 But each one of you should continue to live the way the Lord God has given you to live—the way you were when God chose you. I tell people in all the churches to follow this rule.

Thanks...I was pretty sure it was only adultery or death, but I recalled something else about being unequally yoked. Appreciate it.

To second this, my Grandmother and Grandfather have a similar story. When he really came to know the Lord he was delivered of drinking. Smoking remained until he got emphysema and quit for good.

It was very trying for my mother and she still has issues with verbal abuses during that time period. Something like scars...not wounds.

But it's easy to say from the outside in as well.

Have you ever considered fasting? Sometimes taking our flesh out of the equation can bring about some unique changes of perspective.

 

[maxwel]

If the pastor works with a woman's shelter that is great advice. If not the wife must find a Pastor who does work with Women's shelters.

Pastor's without
experience will more likely get you killed from over spiritualizing everything.

Oh my, where to start...


Woman's Shelter?

I was under the impression that's women's shelter's for abused women were intended for women who were actually abused.

I don't think "being unhappy because my husband isn't a christian, and he drinks too much" qualifies as abuse.

It's certainly unpleasant, and we can sympathize, but HARDSHIP doesn't necessarily equal ABUSE.
Not unless...
unless...
unless...
unless you buy into the extremely leftist Neo Marxists view on power dynamics derived from critical theory, which essentially ascribes VICTIMHOOD TO ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

If you happen to be a modern Neo Marxist who believes every unhappy person is simply, by definition, a victim of someone other person's oppression... mmmm... ok... knock yourself out.

If however you're still in the land of the reasonable... then we should deal with reason.


Standard Biblical Advice

The standard, biblical, ministerial advice in this kind of situation is to begin with pastoral counseling.
That's where you start.
None of us really know the woman, her husband, her family, her circumstances, or the veracity of her story and her views.
We simply don't know her.
We don't genuinely know her or her situation.
Someone who DOES know her, and who can deal with things in person, is in a far better position to assess her problems and offer counsel.

This is at least where we want to start.


Who We Know:

1. To assume you know someone you don't know (like the OP) is usually an error.
That's why I recommend she talk to her pastor - not me, and not you.

2. To assume she is best understood and known by someone else who ALSO doesn't know her (an outside counselor) is also usually an error.
It's silly for her to go look for an outside counselor who doesn't know her, when she has a pastor to talk to, who already knows her, and has at least some degree of training and experience in family counseling which is BIBLICALLY BASED.

* Most pastors are at least familiar with basic family counseling, as the scripture is abounding with this information, and it's the kind of counseling most pastors address EVERY DAY.

* If the pastor is too ignorant of scripture to give simple, basic, rudimentary family counseling from scripture... then I think he's too ignorant of scripture to be a pastor, and she needs to leave the entire church. If he can't give basic, simple, relationship counseling... then how can be be a "shepherd" of a "flock" that has nothing but constant relationship problems every day?

(Maybe he isn't the best, and maybe he recommends someone better... but if he can't at least give basic relationship counseling, then I don't think he genuinely meets the biblical qualifications for a pastor)

3. To advise someone to begin their journey for help by seeking pastoral counseling, with a pastor who already knows them, and may already know their situation, is generally the best first step.

There may be other steps.
But this is generally considered the appropriate first step.



Conclusion:

Although I'm glad the OP came here, and I hope she makes some friends and finds comfort.... there is just no place in scripture we're told to go seek advice from total strangers somewhere... like on the internet.

So the appropriate thing is to DIRECT HER BACK TO HER PASTOR.
..

..

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Is there anyone else that is married to an unbeliever? If so, how do you handle it?
I am married to an unbelieving spouse. We were both unsaved when we got married. We we both alcoholics, I was saved three years into the marriage and have been living for Christ since. Took all of the evil things out of my life and have never looked back. Have also been teaching our children the ways of God.
Since the change, our relationship has gone from great to bad to worse. Our Father asked me to walk away from the marriage last year. We separated, then my husband came back with a renewed interest in fixing everything. Did very well for a few months, but is now back to square one.
I was a drinker and smoker. Gave them both up within 6 months of each other by the grace of God. I don't even have the urge to do anything even though my husband still drinks and smokes. Thank you Jesus! But the quantity of my husband drinking/smoking has increased over the years. If I speak up about it, I am nagging him about it or making him out to be a bad guy. If I say nothing, he takes my silence as a sign to continue and that I am ok with it. It is a bad example for the children and my oldest, by his own volition, has taken to saying so to his dad. I'm to blame for it even though I never told the children to say anything. The only thing I did was I told the children not to give him beers and not to touch his cigarettes.
It causes a lot of stress between us and I am now a religious nut in my husband's eyes. He says he wants to be with me, so I honor our commitment, but he is slowly pulling away from us. He sits outside most days and he has been going out of town for work more and more frequently. I see the signs of alcoholism taking the toll on his health and I am worried about him. It is hard and I feel that some days are difficult to get through with him, but I still love him and fear for his soul.
I am curious how others who have an unbelieving spouse cope with it. Sorry this is so long.

You're in a tough situation for sure. I wish I could give you the fix all for it, but I can't.
You have to tell your son that even though his father is wrong in his behavior, he has to honor his father and while they don't enable him it's not their place to correct him.
Keep up the faith, you need some support like Al-Anon, you and your children should go. They give you a lot of good tools for dealing with the alcoholic. You should go to a separate group than the kids do.