YTG...
Just my opinion here , but all through your post , you have no Joy...
I see a lot of anger , more anger in your heart showing then anything else...
I will pray for you right now , God loves a humble and contrite heart , the Scriptures have some beautiful passages to read about being humble , also about anger , anger rages up higher and higher till it spills out from ones heart , and words become bitter , but I am pretty sure you know these things...xox...