Divorce?

kaylagrl · Mar 20, 2019

I guess because my own sister is going through this I have a better understanding and see your heart. My sister has been in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 17 yrs. I realize that your marriage is not the same as hers. I have a thread that tells her story. I believe divorce is the very last resort. And I believe in your heart you love your husband, you want to fix the marriage and you don't want divorce. I don't think your husband is a bad person, but you can't make him go for help. If you didn't love him,if you were looking for a loophole, if you cut and run because your marriage got difficult,as other posters have said, you'd have been long gone. I am not trying to push divorce, only you know what is best for you. What I am saying is no one is called to stay in an abusive, physical/verbal/emotional, marriage. God does not ask us to do so. I wish you the very best.I have spent years praying,crying,talking my sister through her marriage. She has not chosen to leave and I have stood behind her in whatever she chooses. But I don't believe God expects us to stay in abusive marriages. I believe you have the right heart and the right attitude. I know you will come to the right decision. Whatever that is for you I pray Gods blessings on both you and your husband.

MissingLove · Mar 20, 2019

kaylagrl said:

I guess because my own sister is going through this I have a better understanding and see your heart. My sister has been in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 17 yrs. I realize that your marriage is not the same as hers. I have a thread that tells her story. I believe divorce is the very last resort. And I believe in your heart you love your husband, you want to fix the marriage and you don't want divorce. I don't think your husband is a bad person, but you can't make him go for help. If you didn't love him,if you were looking for a loophole, if you cut and run because your marriage got difficult,as other posters have said, you'd have been long gone. I am not trying to push divorce, only you know what is best for you. What I am saying is no one is called to stay in an abusive, physical/verbal/emotional, marriage. God does not ask us to do so. I wish you the very best.I have spent years praying,crying,talking my sister through her marriage. She has not chosen to leave and I have stood behind her in whatever she chooses. But I don't believe God expects us to stay in abusive marriages. I believe you have the right heart and the right attitude. I know you will come to the right decision. Whatever that is for you I pray Gods blessings on both you and your husband.

Thank you, prayers are always appreciated and I appreciate your reading and commenting. I will keep your sister in my prayers as well.

kaylagrl · Mar 20, 2019

MissingLove said:

Thank you very much. She has a very hard decision ahead of her. I know you understand what she is going through and I appreciate your prayers for her. Blessings.

Hungry · Mar 20, 2019

MissingLove said:

Has your husband ever stated whether or not he wants children? Did your tears effect him before? Has he just gotten used to them? Has he ever mentioned divorce? Will a divorce financially ruin you both...or him at least? Would you be relieved if he left you just to finally get an answer. Does he work a lot? Do you work?

You have had many years of sitting in silence to contemplate what went wrong. What answers have you formulated? You must have come up with a short list by now. The male mind isn’t that complicated. There must be a reason he told you why he doesn’t want kids. I have a feeling he was hoping one day you would just cheer up and stop crying. My wife thinks there is something wrong with me because her tears don’t bother me anymore. Just like anything, you just get used to it. She thinks I’m in denial about being depressed. She doesn’t realize how her negativity just darkens the moods of all around her. At work and with the kids I’m the happiest guy. She refuses to accept she brings me down. Is it possible your persistence about having children is like torture for him? Is it possible he would rather not talk because every time you do it’s the same conversation, same argument, same emotional outcome and he would rather just skip it?

Here is about the best info you might hear about men. We are problem solvers by nature. If there is a problem we know we can’t solve, we would rather ignore it. If he thinks he can’t fix you, he probably won’t try.

MissingLove · Mar 20, 2019

Hungry said:

If you ask him if he wants kids he says yes but he won’t talk to me about it. Just like everything else. He’s not an emotional person but he acts like my tears bother him but he doesn’t say anything just looks at me looks sad and waits for me to stop. He’s never mentioned divorce he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with our marriage. He thinks this is normal. We both work same building, actually. He works longer than me at times. Us separating or divorcing wouldn’t have financial impact on him I’m self sufficient financially and I don’t want anything from him. He doesn’t have to pay me anything I don’t want his money.

Locoponydirtman · Mar 20, 2019

Y'all need a good marriage counselor.

kaylagrl · Mar 20, 2019

Locoponydirtman said:

He is unwilling to go as she has said earlier...

kaylagrl · Mar 20, 2019

Hungry said:

Has your husband ever stated whether or not he wants children? Did your tears effect him before? Has he just gotten used to them? Has he ever mentioned divorce? Will a divorce financially ruin you both...or him at least? Would you be relieved if he left you just to finally get an answer. Does he work a lot? Do you work?

You have had many years of sitting in silence to contemplate what went wrong. What answers have you formulated? You must have come up with a short list by now. The male mind isn’t that complicated. There must be a reason he told you why he doesn’t want kids. I have a feeling he was hoping one day you would just cheer up and stop crying. My wife thinks there is something wrong with me because her tears don’t bother me anymore. Just like anything, you just get used to it. She thinks I’m in denial about being depressed. She doesn’t realize how her negativity just darkens the moods of all around her. At work and with the kids I’m the happiest guy. She refuses to accept she brings me down. Is it possible your persistence about having children is like torture for him? Is it possible he would rather not talk because every time you do it’s the same conversation, same argument, same emotional outcome and he would rather just skip it?

Here is about the best info you might hear about men. We are problem solvers by nature. If there is a problem we know we can’t solve, we would rather ignore it. If he thinks he can’t fix you, he probably won’t try.

Interesting... if your last sentence about men is true you'd think he'd want to go to counseling to fix the problem.

Hungry · Mar 20, 2019

MissingLove said:

How can he be that oblivious? Were his parents separated? Does he otherwise act depressed? Is there a chance he really doesn’t want kids and he is afraid if tells you then you will leave?

Kyless123 · Mar 20, 2019

I'm not totally happy in my marriage either. I'm getting cut down alot. Dont think the relationship is strong as it could be. Three young ones don't help much. Things were ok until a miscarriage happened and now its misery. I've been lost in my relationship for years and dont know where or what to do. Seems like al we can do is pray and understand the word and apply it to our relationships. Could be just me but a couple years ago I prayed about it and even asked to end it if that's what God wanted but we are still together. Maybe he still wants us together. Just pray pray and pray again. He may be scared to talk about it with the divorce in it? It can be hard to change certain things for different people. So all we can do is pray and live our life for God. Hopefully an answer comes to you guys soon

Hungry · Mar 20, 2019

kaylagrl said:

If he doesn’t think it will work, maybe not. We don’t really know much about him. Maybe he is borderline sociopathic and can’t relate to her emotionally and thinks she is just hormonal. If I am getting the right picture, kids would be a disaster not a blessing to this marriage.

TLC209 · Mar 20, 2019

MissingLove said:

So from what I have been reading in the bible and what God has revealed to me is that Jesus affirmed that God does not honor divorce and never intended for the two in marriage be apart from one another as far as a divorce. (Matthew 5:31-32; Matthew 19:3-11; Mark 10:2-12; Luke 16:18) and furthermore Paul taught that a woman should never leave her husband but if she does she is to remain single or be reconciled to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). So it further goes on to say how one doesnt know thru the believing spouse you can save the other spouse or also benefit your children by not giving in to sin and the devil which is at work to destroy marriages. Christians who are truly saved and born of the Holy Spirit should never promote divorce. If you are being abused in any way Paul's teaching allows for you to leave you marriage but are to remain single. If your husband gets with someone else he will be in adultery and im sure you dont want your husband to suffer the consequences of that sin. Pray for your marriage. Study the bible God has all the answers in His Word. God Bless you. Its really hard going through the heart break. I know how you feel. The brokeness is awful. Hope youre ok. Keep praying.

TLC209 · Mar 20, 2019

Kyless123 said:

Yes God always plans for marriages to be together. Im sure your husband has pain he is acting out in his behavior. He needs peace and Gods love. Someone should lay hands on him and he should ask to be delivered from what ever attack the enemy is using to get to him. Those fiery darts are so bad. Devil knows how to get to us and cut us so deep. Thats why we need the full armor of God and resist the devil and he will flee. Someone has the door open to satan by some lil sin. Its allowing the devil to work his way in your marriage.

AuntieAnt · Mar 20, 2019

The following information is from an attorney and counselor at law website:

Legally: A sexless marriage is not one in which the couple is merely not being consistently intimate, but rather one in which repeated sexual advances are ignored and the couple experiences a long period without any intimate activity at all. It is called either alienation of affection or constructive abandonment. If a spouse is withholding sex, or using it as a weapon, this is immediate grounds for divorce. Marriage, as set forth in legal precedent, implies that there will be sex. To withhold this is considered a divorceable offense.

If one partner refuses to seek therapy or medication to help with the issue and it can be proven that the other spouse encouraged this type of healing, the case likely could be considered for an at-fault divorce.

It is unhealthy physically to be in a sexless marriage, never mind the emotional toll it takes.

This information is from the Holy Word of God:

Biblically: The Lord commands spouses not to withhold sex, otherwise, they are putting their partner in temptation deliberately. The Lord commands a husband to give affection to his wife, to honor her, to live with her in understanding, to be gentle and patient. It is written that a husband’s prayers might be hindered if he does not love his wife in such a way. A husband is to give up his life for his wife as Christ did for the church. So any man on here giving excuses for men not to do these things for his wife has God to answer to. Because I don’t see where there’s any exception.

Her husband is putting her in temptation, period. He is neglecting his wife. He is ignoring God’s command to husbands and he is breaking the legal law in marriage. I do believe Angela and Dino are correct in that she should separate herself from this situation and let God deal with her husband.

Also, this woman came to us asking for guidance. Those who harshly criticized her and humiliated her with your “tough love” nonsense, you need to realize your self-righteous language is absolutely nothing like the way Jesus spoke to women. If you can’t treat your sister in Christ on this site with respect and gentleness, you have no authority to give advice on her marriage.

Hungry · Mar 21, 2019

AuntieAnt said:

I’m not disagreeing with your opinion but using laws of the world, that also allow homosexuals to marry and saying the Bible is hate speech is not how I would argue it. The Bible references you used are also out of context. The women were never given permission to divorce their husbands by Christ. It was said that the men couldn’t divorce one woman to get another. They were allowed to marry as many wives as they could support. It’s not relevant. The only thing that is revevant is if you are married to an unbeliever, you can leave, if you want to use Paul’s words as “Laws”.

Here’s the thing, just because I throw on a hockey jersey with the number #99, doesn’t make me Gretzky. Many people in churches who claim they are believers, aren’t. If you arent producing spiritual fruit, you aren’t grafted into the Spiritual vine. Most believers are selfless to a fault. These people would make great spouses. All believers are called to serve Christ, or marry a believer who is serving Christ to serve Him together. If you are married to an unbeliever your choices are serve him/her faithfully hoping they will see your fruit and desire to eat the bread of life, or sever and go your separate way, to serve Him alone.

blue_ladybug · Mar 21, 2019

I would NEVER advise a woman to stay in an abusive situation. I'd tell her to leave and get far, far away. My ex was abusive. We fought all the time, screaming and yelling. He even tried hitting me with a large broken tree branch one time. The last straw for me was when he tried to strangle me when I ended things with him.

Restraining orders are useless. Completely and utterly useless.

In the case of Kayla's sister, she has a physically abusive husband. There is a virtual arsenal of guns and ammo in that house, as well as a husband and son who know how to use them and do so rather frequently. Added into the mix, is a child obsessed with guns, and who is willing to use a gun to protect his mom from his father if necessary.

Add in the fact that her husband's parents live right next door and his father is equally as violent as he is. Kayla's sister is smack in the middle of a hostile enemy camp. Even if she DID leave this jack donkey, it's a good bet he'd go after her and drag her back and give her a good beating. Maybe even kill her, which his parents would be more than glad to help him cover it up. :/

Hungry · Mar 21, 2019

blue_ladybug said:

I would NEVER advise a woman to stay in an abusive situation. I'd tell her to leave and get far, far away. My ex was abusive. We fought all the time, screaming and yelling. He even tried hitting me with a large broken tree branch one time. The last straw for me was when he tried to strangle me when I ended things with him.

Restraining orders are useless. Completely and utterly useless.

In the case of Kayla's sister, she has a physically abusive husband. There is a virtual arsenal of guns and ammo in that house, as well as a husband and son who know how to use them and do so rather frequently. Added into the mix, is a child obsessed with guns, and who is willing to use a gun to protect his mom from his father if necessary.

Add in the fact that her husband's parents live right next door and his father is equally as violent as he is. Kayla's sister is smack in the middle of a hostile enemy camp. Even if she DID leave this jack donkey, it's a good bet he'd go after her and drag her back and give her a good beating. Maybe even kill her, which his parents would be more than glad to help him cover it up. :/

ecc 3:3

Locoponydirtman · Mar 21, 2019

The problem with getting such serious advice from folks on a forum such as this, is that human relationships are very complex. It's hard to make a call based on a few words from one side. One needs to be able to dig down and figure out the root of the problem.
In the case of abuse it's not so hard to say leave for your safety, but in a case of an over all unsatisfying circumstance it's hard to say what the real problem is.

PorshaLovesGod · Mar 24, 2019

I can totally relate. I find myself in the same situation with my marriage.

SIMON55 · Mar 24, 2019

Well....I have read all of this thread except for the last half of the overly involved posts that were either super imposing their own or someone elses they knew situation on yours as a temple measuring rod.
So....I guess for emotional purposes comparison we are doing two things here imposing our experiences on your situation and .....
The other is beating you with a bible telling you what scripture says.....
It appears both avenues have gone a little excessive to me.....so I will try to limit my own and condense my own exp.....
First though let's look at what you have provided which to me appears you as you say have done all that you can find to do logically.
Ten years is a long time to because of obvious neglect suffer emotional and physical abuse....some people get shorter prison sentences and I say physical because the body needs comforting and without you can't function in a serene balanced way as designed by God.....
There appears there is something very disturbing about your husband....from the way you represent it and one poster said....it doesn't sound like the marriage was ever fully consumated for whatever reason....and I'll get dinged for this probably but you appear to be if it can be determined by an avatar an attractive woman....and assuming your husband the same age as yourself or near thereto......what is it 40....
There is definitely some major major wrong issue....
It makes me suspect your husband has some dark dark secrets....and or psychological. issues that he wants to either hide or remain in denial about......
There isn't any reason unless its medical or psychological or he actually is an adulterer whether homosexually or heterosexually ......
Have you tracked his free time ?....
From 25 to 45 yrs age should be the most active ....even well beyond those age there is just no excuse......work stresses and physical exhaustion can effect but stresses are relieved through interaction release......SO
In my honest opinion even though you say he is an ok guy......I can't agree with you on it.....the guy is definitely off or abby normal or an adulterer or you aint the desired gender....
Not wanting to upset you with any of that but.....
The ladies comments here have rightly pointed out here biblically we become one in marriage and we are to honor each other above ourselves which includes comfort and intimacy and your normal healthy desires for children.
Regardless of what his actual issue is.....financial anxiety gender confusion whatever.....
Bottom line is God said go forth be fruitful and multiply and you express that natural desire....and he isn't committed....he either doesn't want children or doubts the marriage or himself financially or something worse!!!!
You gave him a decade of your misery....and OL boy just won't man up and get R done.
It doesn't sound like he wishes to be a monk because he don't like going to church.
So.....why is he behaving like one with you and is there infidelity elsewhere that explains everything.....does he dissappear sometimes or insist on showering alone ?
Maybe he is only capable of enjoying his ownself.
From your indications something is preventing him from healthy desires and I believe it raises serious suspicions.....Have you gone as far as having family or friends call him out on it?
I could suggest some scenarios and dialogue but it wouldn't be proper and if you got to shame him to get him to do what he should naturally desire then he doesn't love you....
People usually only change when it becomes to painful not too.....that's a fact....
Many won't turn to God for his help until the pain gets to great.....
God forgive me and everyone else also please if I am wrong in saying but he isn't given you any reason to believe or hope from your Indications.....
Im not wanting to be anything but logically honest.
I realize marriages aren't perfect unless to Christ but it doesn't sound like he is married to you or Christ!!!
When he should be married to both.....Christ said he shouldn't cause you temptation and he should honor your desires.
He isn't doing any of it so for all practical purposes other than a paycheck sounds like he is just a dead man walking.
Myself personally I would be overjoyed and thrilled if I had an attractive wife wanting to carry my child even at my age I would be all in all the time and doing anything extra needed to make it so.....
But.....you know I guess the old adage one mans junk is another mans treasure applies.....
Seriously you need to not allow this to damage your own self esteem....because unless you are withholding 411 and not revealing something dark about yourself.....
Then what man in his right mind would not want a loving Christian wife who desires to give him a family of his own.....?
My take is regardless how much you may want to fix him .....it aint happening till he suffers severe pain and even then you will have to let go and let God.....
Because it's. going to take the pain to turn him to God because he isn't being Christian in his marital conduct.
God is a divorcee himself of course his wife was an adultrous fornicator but very few people will mention that while they beat you about the already abused brain you are suffering from with there bibles.
I am somewhat dissapointe in some of the responses I see here a wife isn't a piece of property she is a blessing from God the same as children and they all should be honored as such lest they vanish from your life in a fleeting moment!!!!
I feel compassion for you I know how tormenting and soul destroying a situation like yours can be I have had 2 non christian wives......and never again will I.....!!!!
Adultery doesn't mean anything to non christians.
I was faithful....and my adulterors divorced me so biblically I presume myself absolved from those marriages.
A Christian woman for a wife is a true treasure every man should be so lucky!!!!
Good luck....😀😀😀
If you have the chat app go to the prayer rooms there are good people there who will pray out loud with you over the 🎤 microphone.
I am glad some of the sweet ladies on this side gave you support!!!!😀

Divorce?

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