My husband had an affair. When I found out he ended it. We have been working on things. But he still won't be fully close to me intimately because he hates himself for what he did. It's been about a year and a half. We have no fun together & he feels he doesn't deserve to have a real life. I set up therapy, but if he refuses to go I will give up. I pray every day. I try everything I can - and I was the one cheated on!! Would God really expect me to stick by him if I'm so unhappy and he won't try? I don't want to go against God - but I'm only in my 40's and I want to live my life.
What does the bible say about divorce?
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Thank you
He has shown that he is someone who cannot go without sex. If he's not having it with you he's probably still cheating. He is under the guise of remorse, he's not going to admit it flat out. He's trying to make you think it's one way so that you don't file for divorce. But his lack of trying whatever he can to win your trust back, like going to therapy, proves his true intention. Jesus allows us to divorce a cheater because disease is a punishment for sin, and the innocent one should not be punished. If you stay you are likely to get an STD, and a whole lot of heartache.
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles, sister. You and your husband are to be commended for your desire to work on your issues and strengthen your relationship. I’m praying, asking our Heavenly Father to comfort you both daily with evidences of His great love and compassion (Lamentations 3:22-23). May He be the center of your marriage, bring in healing and restoration as you trust in Him. Also, it’s nice that you are considering meeting a counselor. I recently came across this article which might be helpful to you, too. Hang in there!
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I truly believe in his remorse. He is still broken and we have been together since we were teenagers and he has had horrible things to deal with in his life the past few years (I won't go in to) - so I understand how he had a mid life crisis and made poor choices. He had been my best friend and we had the best marriage ever until his depression and life issues thrown at him. I believe him whole heartedly and I forgive him. That's why I've stuck by him so long even though I've been unhappy so long. He's not a believer and that is so hard because I believe it would be different if he had been. He truly is a good man and wonderful father. But he tells me I should go and be happier with someone I truly deserve all the time. I don't want to give up on our family and want to believe he can be restored more to who he used to be. But I feel more hopeless of that happening with every week that passes. He doesn't believe he deserves redemption and was even suicidal at one point. I want to be here for him but I need to be happy too
Deuteronomy 24 allows for divorce when one partner commits adultery. You are fully within your rights both civilly and theologically to file for divorce guilt free and to marry another. While scripture would clearly indicate that G-D would prefer that the two of you work this out as you made a promise to each other under the Covenant of Marriage, yet your husband has broken that Covenant. Scripturally you are free to divorce your husband and it not be a sin to do so. Christ reiterates these standards in Matthew 19, Matthew 5, and Mark 10.
Even G-D divorced Israel in Jeremiah 3 due to her adulteries, in accordance with G-D's own Law, so to can you.
Even G-D divorced Israel in Jeremiah 3 due to her adulteries, in accordance with G-D's own Law, so to can you.
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The easiest way to learn what the Bible teaches about divorce and remarriage is to begin with Luke’s gospel where he wrote:
Luke 16:18. “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.”
This is the Biblical standard and teaching. There are no exceptions or complications to the teaching.
Mark is more wordy on this issue, which is uncommon for Mark who typically liked to be more brief:
Mark 10:2. Some Pharisees came up to Jesus, testing Him, and began to question Him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce a wife.
3. And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”
4. They said, “Moses permitted a man TO WRITE A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY.”
5. But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.
6. “But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE.
7. “FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER,
8. AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.
9. “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
10. In the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again.
11. And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her;
12. and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”
Notice especially vv. 11-12:
11. And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her;
12. and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”
As in Luke 16, there are no exceptions—it is cut and dried.
Luke 16:18. “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.”
Paul, in his First Epistle to the Corinthians expressed the same teaching in this manner:
1 Cor. 7:10. But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband
11. (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
Mark, Luke and Paul all agree—remarriage to a different spouse after divorce is adultery; there are NO exceptions.
When we read the discussion in the Matt. 19:3-12, however, we run into a problem:
Matt. 19:3. Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?”
4. And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE,
5. and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'?
6. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
7. They *said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?”
8. He *said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.
9. “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10. The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”
11. But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given.
12. “For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”
Notice that Matt. 19:9 includes an exception clause, “except for immorality.”
This three-word exception clause has given birth to countless thousands of theological and legal debates, but it should not have. This exception clause is a very early scribal gloss that does not belong here. It resulted from a scribe reading it earlier in Matthew’s gospel and believing that it also belonged in Matt. 19:9.
Matt. 5:31. “It was said, 'WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE';
32. but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
We find the exception clause here in verse 32, but notice why it is included here—if a man divorces his wife he makes her commit adultery except for the cases where she has already done so.
How can we be sure that the exception clause does not belong in Matt. 19:9? Its addition to that verse totally changes the relevance of the clause and allows for an adulterous marriage to take place. Further evidence that it does not belong in Matt. 19:9 is found in the immediately following verse:
Matt. 19:10. The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”
The disciples clearly understood Jesus to teach that the marriage bond can only be broken by the death of the spouse—divorce is merely a legal separation—it does not nullify, in the sight of God, a marriage.
We find Paul applying this Biblical truth in Romans 7:
1. Or do you not know, brethren (for I am speaking to those who know the law), that the law has jurisdiction over a person as long as he lives?
2. For the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law concerning the husband.
3. So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man.
4. Therefore, my brethren, you also were made to die to the Law through the body of Christ, so that you might be joined to another, to Him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.
Just as a woman is free to remarry ONLY after the death of her husband, a potential member of the body of Christ is free to become the bride of Christ ONLY after the death of her (the church and its members are always spoken of in the feminine gender since Christ is the groom) husband, that is, “the old man,” the “old nature,” “the old self.” If her husband is still alive, and she becomes a “Christian,” she is committing adultery with Christ. The Christian’s former self was under the Law and all of its demands and penalties, but when that former self is crucified with Christ and is dead and buried (Rom. 6), that former self is no longer under the Law and the “new man” is married to Christ and is a new creation,
2 Cor. 5:17. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. (NKJV)
Gal. 2:20. “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”
Only upon the death of one’s spouse is one free to remarry; both in the physical realm and the spiritual realm. In the 1950’s, the divorce rate in the United States was 5%; today it is nearly 51% with the highest divorce rate being among “evangelical Christians.” Our churches and pulpits are becoming full of “Christians” living in adulterous second, third, and fourth marriages while their first spouse and their old nature are very much alive and they are committing adultery not only against their first spouse, but against Christ Himself!
(All Scripture quotations are from the NASB, 1995)
Luke 16:18. “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.”
This is the Biblical standard and teaching. There are no exceptions or complications to the teaching.
Mark is more wordy on this issue, which is uncommon for Mark who typically liked to be more brief:
Mark 10:2. Some Pharisees came up to Jesus, testing Him, and began to question Him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce a wife.
3. And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”
4. They said, “Moses permitted a man TO WRITE A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY.”
5. But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.
6. “But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE.
7. “FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER,
8. AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.
9. “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
10. In the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again.
11. And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her;
12. and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”
Notice especially vv. 11-12:
11. And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her;
12. and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”
As in Luke 16, there are no exceptions—it is cut and dried.
Luke 16:18. “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.”
Paul, in his First Epistle to the Corinthians expressed the same teaching in this manner:
1 Cor. 7:10. But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband
11. (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
Mark, Luke and Paul all agree—remarriage to a different spouse after divorce is adultery; there are NO exceptions.
When we read the discussion in the Matt. 19:3-12, however, we run into a problem:
Matt. 19:3. Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?”
4. And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE,
5. and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'?
6. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
7. They *said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?”
8. He *said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.
9. “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10. The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”
11. But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given.
12. “For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”
Notice that Matt. 19:9 includes an exception clause, “except for immorality.”
This three-word exception clause has given birth to countless thousands of theological and legal debates, but it should not have. This exception clause is a very early scribal gloss that does not belong here. It resulted from a scribe reading it earlier in Matthew’s gospel and believing that it also belonged in Matt. 19:9.
Matt. 5:31. “It was said, 'WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE';
32. but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
We find the exception clause here in verse 32, but notice why it is included here—if a man divorces his wife he makes her commit adultery except for the cases where she has already done so.
How can we be sure that the exception clause does not belong in Matt. 19:9? Its addition to that verse totally changes the relevance of the clause and allows for an adulterous marriage to take place. Further evidence that it does not belong in Matt. 19:9 is found in the immediately following verse:
Matt. 19:10. The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”
The disciples clearly understood Jesus to teach that the marriage bond can only be broken by the death of the spouse—divorce is merely a legal separation—it does not nullify, in the sight of God, a marriage.
We find Paul applying this Biblical truth in Romans 7:
1. Or do you not know, brethren (for I am speaking to those who know the law), that the law has jurisdiction over a person as long as he lives?
2. For the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law concerning the husband.
3. So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man.
4. Therefore, my brethren, you also were made to die to the Law through the body of Christ, so that you might be joined to another, to Him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.
Just as a woman is free to remarry ONLY after the death of her husband, a potential member of the body of Christ is free to become the bride of Christ ONLY after the death of her (the church and its members are always spoken of in the feminine gender since Christ is the groom) husband, that is, “the old man,” the “old nature,” “the old self.” If her husband is still alive, and she becomes a “Christian,” she is committing adultery with Christ. The Christian’s former self was under the Law and all of its demands and penalties, but when that former self is crucified with Christ and is dead and buried (Rom. 6), that former self is no longer under the Law and the “new man” is married to Christ and is a new creation,
2 Cor. 5:17. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. (NKJV)
Gal. 2:20. “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”
Only upon the death of one’s spouse is one free to remarry; both in the physical realm and the spiritual realm. In the 1950’s, the divorce rate in the United States was 5%; today it is nearly 51% with the highest divorce rate being among “evangelical Christians.” Our churches and pulpits are becoming full of “Christians” living in adulterous second, third, and fourth marriages while their first spouse and their old nature are very much alive and they are committing adultery not only against their first spouse, but against Christ Himself!
(All Scripture quotations are from the NASB, 1995)
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I kinda doubt that.. His lack of intimacy is probably a symptom of something else, and not guilt or remorse.
Or it could be serious depression, you really don't know until someone blows their brains out. But definitely, whether its real or self-pity, its a cry for help.
Sometimes when someone we love is struggling with personal issues, its good to put your personal happiness on a shelf for awhile. But if its an ongoing destructive situation with no resolution, life goes on.. There comes a point when support and patience just ain't enough... jmo
Or it could be serious depression, you really don't know until someone blows their brains out. But definitely, whether its real or self-pity, its a cry for help.
Sometimes when someone we love is struggling with personal issues, its good to put your personal happiness on a shelf for awhile. But if its an ongoing destructive situation with no resolution, life goes on.. There comes a point when support and patience just ain't enough... jmo
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Well it's not about what you want. What does God want you to do with your life for Him? Is your husband a Christian? Does God want you to minister to him in Spiritual areas? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself to serve the Lord?
I do not know what God has in mind for you. I do not know what is the best advice for you. I do know that you need to want what God wants for you and not place your wants above Gods will.
Israel cheated on God and greatly grieved the heart of God. Israel broke the covenant God gave them. God still loves them and will restore them.
Restoration between you and your husband will begin with restoration to God. God will chastise to bring about restoration the degree of which is dependent upon the degree of resistance to His will. Make your heart right with God then pray for your husband to get right with God.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
I do not know what God has in mind for you. I do not know what is the best advice for you. I do know that you need to want what God wants for you and not place your wants above Gods will.
Israel cheated on God and greatly grieved the heart of God. Israel broke the covenant God gave them. God still loves them and will restore them.
Restoration between you and your husband will begin with restoration to God. God will chastise to bring about restoration the degree of which is dependent upon the degree of resistance to His will. Make your heart right with God then pray for your husband to get right with God.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
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Just want to point out that when a husband and wife become one flesh- that means they produced a child, and once a child is created, no man can separate the father's DNA from the mother's DNA. Also, Jesus said you can only divorce if your spouse cheats on you. From there it is to be understood that when He mentions divorce He means "biblical divorce" which means that's why the divorced person cannot remarry- cause they cheated in a marriage. In America we call both people "divorced" but He's saying the one who was divorced- and that would be for the reason of adultery.
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I have searched my heart and what God has put there. Sometimes it's hard for me to discern what He wants. But I have felt that maybe this all happened as a way to wake my husband up. He's a non-believer and I have prayed often for God to change his heart. Maybe having him hit rock bottom is His way of getting my husbands attention. I'm still here fighting with everything in me. A lot due to feeling it is God's will. Thanks Roger
That is encouraging. You have been given a tough row to hoe. God will not permit you to be tested above that which you are able to bear. In your weakness His strength is perfected.
Your husband may not know it now but he is greatly blessed to have a wife that wants to see him saved and know the greatness of Gods love.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
Your husband may not know it now but he is greatly blessed to have a wife that wants to see him saved and know the greatness of Gods love.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
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