sharing this piece of my own late night ruminations here on a sudden whim:
[FONT=q_serif]Most people, whether they will admit it or not, prefer the company of those who are more oriented to the more common wavelength and thus far easier to understand and get along with. As for me, I am confined to a very lonely world, disconnected from close relationships, and completely shut off from any remote possibility of finding love with an intimate companion.[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]I know I have been rejected countless times throughout my life because of how much my eccentricity and hyper-sensitivity have turned off girls/women. My unusual character has tainted others’ perception of me since I entered elementary school and I have no doubt it is the single most critical flaw of mine responsible for my perennial loneliness and social alienation, as well as my life sentence to barren bachelorhood. Any woman who has had the slightest appreciation for my weirdness is either very desperate with low self-esteem (and is not someone I’m attracted to) or is someone who just sees my unique “out there” qualities as funny or entertaining. Like a King or Queen would perceive their court jester. Bring him out for a few hours, have him regale us with his outlandish performance, give us some laughs, then send him away. My eccentricity is by no means an asset in the way of finding love. Indeed the overwhelming majority of women find it absolutely repellent and want nothing to do with someone they see as just a “dysfunctional, abnormal, freaky weirdo.”[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]Who knows how many people have looked at me and wondered, “What the heck[/FONT] is wrong with this guy?” “What rare mental ailment does he suffer from?” “How many times did his mother drop him as a kid?”
[FONT=q_serif]I am in fact a good looking guy with charm and a kind heart, as well as other positive qualities (that is, if a kind heart can be considered ‘positive,’ for the most part it is not attractive). But they are overshadowed by what is seen a grossly alien personality who possibly belongs locked up in a strait-jacket. Asking how many quality women out there want to be with a super-sensitive eccentric weirdo is like asking who wants to have cancer. I’d be better off as a swinish looking member of the Hell’s Angels, a colossus of confidence who knows how to be an a-hole the right way, who is all beefy and domineering, tatted up with high above average hypermasculine macho-world-wrestling-champion credentials and a criminal record. There is a rather sizable market for those guys. There is no market for me. I don’t think there’s any place for me in this world.[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]My eccentricity, while enjoyable for me on its own, has rarely if ever been of any benefit to me. I’m positively certain that if I were “normal,” or closer to “average,” I’d be a far happier individual with a much more successful life and would fare infinitely better in the realm of relationships than I ever will be as I am. There is no question about the fact that the world is designed in a way that overwhelmingly favors some chillax dude with a business degree who is plenty happy with his hamburgers and fries and his Monday night football, who is blissfully free from any salient stigma of strangeness over some nerdy, dyspraxic, unathletic, scatterbrained, daydreaming, highly sensitive, clinically depressed, creative anomaly who doesn’t watch TV or follow the current music scene, but prefers classical music, old Disney cartoons, the Twilight Zone, and old, esoteric works of literature like Goethe’s Faust. Hell, if I were several degrees closer to normal, if I weren’t such a complicated mess, I’d possibly already be married and perhaps even have kids. But alas, I am too weird and far ‘apart’ from the norm to be seen as romantically lovable. If there even were someone out there for me, she’d be like an infinitesimally microscopic needle in a cosmic haystack with whom I will never cross paths. The fact is I am doomed to perma-solitude. I fear the world is governed by chance. I pray for a miracle. Lord speak to me. The world of randomness and chance dooms me. I am so alone... Man was not meant to be alone, I cannot continue like this forever all alone. I cannot find companionship on my own... I would have to be a different person to reverse that course. I am not acceptable as I am.[/FONT]