Presbyterian/Baptist War
- Thread starter Desdichado
- Start date
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Desdichado steps into the ring
To box the burley Ricky Gobb
He's such a burley looking thing
It makes him want another job
They meet in the middle of the ring
From the ref they get their instructions
Des goes back to his corner crying
Bracing himself for certain destruction
The timekeeper rings the bell
Gobb rushes him like a ox
Des closes his eyes and swings, Gobb just fell
Des thinks, “Hmmph, maybe I can box!”
The ref counts to ten
Then raises Des’ hand in triumph
Des struts around, practicing his zen
He says aloud, “I just kicked this bozo’s rump!”
Ricky Gobb never moved again
That was his last fight
His funeral was in his den
Dressed in his boxing tights
Des prances out of the ring
Then hops upon his chopper
Proud as if over the world he’s king
And loudly proclaims, “I’m the everlasting Gobb stopper!”
To box the burley Ricky Gobb
He's such a burley looking thing
It makes him want another job
They meet in the middle of the ring
From the ref they get their instructions
Des goes back to his corner crying
Bracing himself for certain destruction
The timekeeper rings the bell
Gobb rushes him like a ox
Des closes his eyes and swings, Gobb just fell
Des thinks, “Hmmph, maybe I can box!”
The ref counts to ten
Then raises Des’ hand in triumph
Des struts around, practicing his zen
He says aloud, “I just kicked this bozo’s rump!”
Ricky Gobb never moved again
That was his last fight
His funeral was in his den
Dressed in his boxing tights
Des prances out of the ring
Then hops upon his chopper
Proud as if over the world he’s king
And loudly proclaims, “I’m the everlasting Gobb stopper!”
"Speak Friend and Enter"
I say "Mellon"
In the mines we scamper
Goodbye to the moon and sun
My staff gleams and guides
The Presby Fellowship
Thru chasms deep and wide
Where riches once did drip
An an atheist host appeared
Their maws gaping wide
To deeper vaults we steered
And among the bones to hide
A theonomist awoke them
Drums in the deep
A fool of a Christian
It'd be better if he'd sleep
Rams bashed the gate
Reduced our hull to splinter
We'd make them meet their fate
The host of godless winter
Thru odds overwhelming
The Presbys fought and ran
Their election telling
Thru prowess and elan
Until they were surrounded
By those sons of Mars
Prepared to make their stand
As the Franks at Tours (pronounced Too-ars for you non-Francophones)
With sword and axe raised
Both sides prepared to wheel
Til' something that amazed
Halted course of steel
Darkness turned to red
With flames as from Gehenna
Power to make and raise the dead
Pass fatal referenda
The primordial roar did boom
Froze every living spine
A harbinger of doom
"London, 1689"
Out and up the wall
The twisted host did scurry
Leaving Presbys in the hall
To face the Baptist fury
"Run, run, run
Leave the Baptist to himself!
Do no tarry, halt, or stun
He's more obnoxious than an elf!"
Channeling our flight
We made way toward the exit
The Baptist chased with all his might
Our fates were truly writ
Upon the narrow bridge
He yelled "Eternal duels."
I turned to my companions
Uttered "Fly you fools!"
We lept into the crevice
Me and the Baptist beast
I smacked him with my chalice
He beckoned me to feast
For weeks we fought
Til' we both met our death
Upon the highest spot
Where none could draw a breath
A great foe indeed
He did the Presby smite
But God favored me
I return clad in white
I say "Mellon"
In the mines we scamper
Goodbye to the moon and sun
My staff gleams and guides
The Presby Fellowship
Thru chasms deep and wide
Where riches once did drip
An an atheist host appeared
Their maws gaping wide
To deeper vaults we steered
And among the bones to hide
A theonomist awoke them
Drums in the deep
A fool of a Christian
It'd be better if he'd sleep
Rams bashed the gate
Reduced our hull to splinter
We'd make them meet their fate
The host of godless winter
Thru odds overwhelming
The Presbys fought and ran
Their election telling
Thru prowess and elan
Until they were surrounded
By those sons of Mars
Prepared to make their stand
As the Franks at Tours (pronounced Too-ars for you non-Francophones)
With sword and axe raised
Both sides prepared to wheel
Til' something that amazed
Halted course of steel
Darkness turned to red
With flames as from Gehenna
Power to make and raise the dead
Pass fatal referenda
The primordial roar did boom
Froze every living spine
A harbinger of doom
"London, 1689"
Out and up the wall
The twisted host did scurry
Leaving Presbys in the hall
To face the Baptist fury
"Run, run, run
Leave the Baptist to himself!
Do no tarry, halt, or stun
He's more obnoxious than an elf!"
Channeling our flight
We made way toward the exit
The Baptist chased with all his might
Our fates were truly writ
Upon the narrow bridge
He yelled "Eternal duels."
I turned to my companions
Uttered "Fly you fools!"
We lept into the crevice
Me and the Baptist beast
I smacked him with my chalice
He beckoned me to feast
For weeks we fought
Til' we both met our death
Upon the highest spot
Where none could draw a breath
A great foe indeed
He did the Presby smite
But God favored me
I return clad in white
Five desperados come staggering
Into this one horse town
Parched lips, dry throats
From days of the sun
On them beating down
They pulled up to the local saloon
Get off their rides
They need a drink really soon
And go staggering inside
They see the ruckus, they hear the noise
They see the bartender with a knife in his back
Him still fighting with the other boys
They see this purty little philly
Sashaying her way towards them
Inside, their hearts leaping for joy
She says, "Hello boys, you new in town?
We have what you need on tap,
In barrel, in bottle, all easily goes down.
So, what will you have to drink, chaps?"
As she was talking, they were too busy
Watching the fighting, shooting
Stabbing, kicking, a guy hanging from the chandelier
Thinking, "We're right right at home
With all the hollerin', yellin', fightin' and lootin'"
They look at her and one guy says
"I am awful sorry, ma'am,
What was that you said?
We was too busy enjoying the fightin'
Shootin' stabbin', hollerin' yellin'
Shoot, we feel as if we're right at home
In our very own beds."
She said, "My name is Maudie,
And I am yer host.
Welcome to the Rusty 'Shoe Saloon
We have a drink that'll
Make you stiff as a post."
"Saloon?!?!?!" One of those guys said
In awe, amazement and wonder.
"Why, we didn't know this was one
Of them thar saloons.
Our momma would beat us silly
Then call all of us goons
If she knew we were in a saloon."
"Well, where did you think you
Was exactly at?" Maudie politely asked
"Ma'am, we was raised by the good book
Our paw raised us to know right from wrong
To never drink too much booze
Not even from a flask"
"With all the fightin', hollerin', shootin'
Kickin', stompin' and confusion.
Ma'am, we didn't know this was a saloon,
We thought this was a Presbyterian communion."
Into this one horse town
Parched lips, dry throats
From days of the sun
On them beating down
They pulled up to the local saloon
Get off their rides
They need a drink really soon
And go staggering inside
They see the ruckus, they hear the noise
They see the bartender with a knife in his back
Him still fighting with the other boys
They see this purty little philly
Sashaying her way towards them
Inside, their hearts leaping for joy
She says, "Hello boys, you new in town?
We have what you need on tap,
In barrel, in bottle, all easily goes down.
So, what will you have to drink, chaps?"
As she was talking, they were too busy
Watching the fighting, shooting
Stabbing, kicking, a guy hanging from the chandelier
Thinking, "We're right right at home
With all the hollerin', yellin', fightin' and lootin'"
They look at her and one guy says
"I am awful sorry, ma'am,
What was that you said?
We was too busy enjoying the fightin'
Shootin' stabbin', hollerin' yellin'
Shoot, we feel as if we're right at home
In our very own beds."
She said, "My name is Maudie,
And I am yer host.
Welcome to the Rusty 'Shoe Saloon
We have a drink that'll
Make you stiff as a post."
"Saloon?!?!?!" One of those guys said
In awe, amazement and wonder.
"Why, we didn't know this was one
Of them thar saloons.
Our momma would beat us silly
Then call all of us goons
If she knew we were in a saloon."
"Well, where did you think you
Was exactly at?" Maudie politely asked
"Ma'am, we was raised by the good book
Our paw raised us to know right from wrong
To never drink too much booze
Not even from a flask"
"With all the fightin', hollerin', shootin'
Kickin', stompin' and confusion.
Ma'am, we didn't know this was a saloon,
We thought this was a Presbyterian communion."
The Presby goes into stealth mode
Sneaking into the Baptist crowd
He smelled just like the horse he rode
And the 100 proof on his breath made him proud
He hunkers in the last pew
Looking around at what he could see
Ah, children everywhere, and not a few
And this fine little lad on his momma's knee
He thinks, "Ah, a little lad just ripe
For me to take dipping."
So his heart starts pounding
His knuckles white from the back of the pew gripping
He sneaks out of that last pew
Not realizing that this was his last day
His time on earth to seconds that are few
They'd take his carcass and carry it away
As he sneaks towards that little lad
He feels a pat on the back of his shoulder
He sees a woman, hands on hips, really mad
She yells at him and that makes her even bolder
"Oh no!" Was the cry of the ghostly white infiltrator
He knew he was in for some really cruel harm
His heart would need a defibrillator
Because, you guessed it, it was that Baptist schoolmarm
Needless to say, he didn't dip the lad that day
Neither did he make it out to see the sun
Nor did he even had time to pray
But he was carried out to the mortician's son
Sneaking into the Baptist crowd
He smelled just like the horse he rode
And the 100 proof on his breath made him proud
He hunkers in the last pew
Looking around at what he could see
Ah, children everywhere, and not a few
And this fine little lad on his momma's knee
He thinks, "Ah, a little lad just ripe
For me to take dipping."
So his heart starts pounding
His knuckles white from the back of the pew gripping
He sneaks out of that last pew
Not realizing that this was his last day
His time on earth to seconds that are few
They'd take his carcass and carry it away
As he sneaks towards that little lad
He feels a pat on the back of his shoulder
He sees a woman, hands on hips, really mad
She yells at him and that makes her even bolder
"Oh no!" Was the cry of the ghostly white infiltrator
He knew he was in for some really cruel harm
His heart would need a defibrillator
Because, you guessed it, it was that Baptist schoolmarm
Needless to say, he didn't dip the lad that day
Neither did he make it out to see the sun
Nor did he even had time to pray
But he was carried out to the mortician's son
The Presby Legion's song
Rang through tree and grass
Celebrating the Rubicon
Over which they'd pass
"Sieze the day, my boys
Carpe Diem!
For life's greatest joys
Come only when you grasp them
The yonder Baptist City
Eternal in delight
The steeple pillars Pretty
Shall be ours by night
We left the fields of Gaul
Now PCUSA heaps
Once a denomination proud
Is fit only for the creeps
See the Baptist glut!
The SBC so large
Has tithes which dwarf the huts
To be taken on the charge
Their pastors are dispy
Their deacons arminian
But the Plebes tied to the trees
Share in our opinion!
Cast off your old presumptions
Shed your Sproulian manner
We'll leave our wretched state behind
And claim the Baptist banner!
What was Reformed once
Shall Reform again
We'll prove Moore a dunce
And Mohler a charlatan
For they're but imitations of the true
Not the Reformed best
When our heels march through
They'll salute with fist on breast
Across the bridge we go!
Velites keep the rear
No going back today
No PCA to steer
Here's to new beginnings!
And also to new ends
For the Baptists need our winning
To make their Church Great Again!"
A message boy popped up
"Gen. Des, here's a teaser
He made fun of you for Lincoln
What will he say of Caesar?"
"Beware for thou art mortal."
Rang through tree and grass
Celebrating the Rubicon
Over which they'd pass
"Sieze the day, my boys
Carpe Diem!
For life's greatest joys
Come only when you grasp them
The yonder Baptist City
Eternal in delight
The steeple pillars Pretty
Shall be ours by night
We left the fields of Gaul
Now PCUSA heaps
Once a denomination proud
Is fit only for the creeps
See the Baptist glut!
The SBC so large
Has tithes which dwarf the huts
To be taken on the charge
Their pastors are dispy
Their deacons arminian
But the Plebes tied to the trees
Share in our opinion!
Cast off your old presumptions
Shed your Sproulian manner
We'll leave our wretched state behind
And claim the Baptist banner!
What was Reformed once
Shall Reform again
We'll prove Moore a dunce
And Mohler a charlatan
For they're but imitations of the true
Not the Reformed best
When our heels march through
They'll salute with fist on breast
Across the bridge we go!
Velites keep the rear
No going back today
No PCA to steer
Here's to new beginnings!
And also to new ends
For the Baptists need our winning
To make their Church Great Again!"
A message boy popped up
"Gen. Des, here's a teaser
He made fun of you for Lincoln
What will he say of Caesar?"
"Beware for thou art mortal."
Jonathan Edwards, Abraham Lincoln
Now it’s Julius Caesar
All donning sunglasses
What’s Desdichado thinkin’
Apparently there’s something to
His love affair with them for sure
They’re on every avatar
And even on his face
In his profile mural
But when your blood is
40% blood cells
20% plasma
40% 120 proof
In the daytime
He can’t see too well
So he needs Ray-Ban’s
Just to see at night
He still runs ppl off the road
He keeps them afright
He puts a new spin on
”I want my sunglasses at night”
Its not just so that he can see
But also so he can have a chance
To kick the derrière of
That Baptist Schoolmarm named Nancy
#FatChance
Now it’s Julius Caesar
All donning sunglasses
What’s Desdichado thinkin’
Apparently there’s something to
His love affair with them for sure
They’re on every avatar
And even on his face
In his profile mural
But when your blood is
40% blood cells
20% plasma
40% 120 proof
In the daytime
He can’t see too well
So he needs Ray-Ban’s
Just to see at night
He still runs ppl off the road
He keeps them afright
He puts a new spin on
”I want my sunglasses at night”
Its not just so that he can see
But also so he can have a chance
To kick the derrière of
That Baptist Schoolmarm named Nancy
#FatChance
The Baptist Star
Is truly a fool
Too fat for a car
Too square for cool
"Shades make the man!"
Saith the bards
"Convey a master plan
Conceals his hand of cards"
The Presby expat wears them
Not for drinks of night
But because he cannot REM
Basked in Holy Light
Providence seen everywhere
On hill, dale, and field
Resounding through the air
He dons the solar shield
Until the day of redemption, of course.
Is truly a fool
Too fat for a car
Too square for cool
"Shades make the man!"
Saith the bards
"Convey a master plan
Conceals his hand of cards"
The Presby expat wears them
Not for drinks of night
But because he cannot REM
Basked in Holy Light
Providence seen everywhere
On hill, dale, and field
Resounding through the air
He dons the solar shield
Until the day of redemption, of course.
Desdichado in the middle
Of this poetry debate
Said “Here, hold this”
And hands preacher4truth his plate
He comes back
Says “Man, that makes four times
I had to go to the restroom
Thankfully I didn’t have to wait in line”
Preacher4truth asked him
”Was it something different you ate?
Or did you have too much
Vodka, rum, brandy, gin?
You know you like to drink them straight.”
“Nope, ‘twas none of that
So you’ll need to chillax
But I did find a yummy candy bar.
It’s called Ex-Lax.”
Of this poetry debate
Said “Here, hold this”
And hands preacher4truth his plate
He comes back
Says “Man, that makes four times
I had to go to the restroom
Thankfully I didn’t have to wait in line”
Preacher4truth asked him
”Was it something different you ate?
Or did you have too much
Vodka, rum, brandy, gin?
You know you like to drink them straight.”
“Nope, ‘twas none of that
So you’ll need to chillax
But I did find a yummy candy bar.
It’s called Ex-Lax.”
Pass the plate, Pink Star
Hand the platter here
Before I go down to the bar
And order me a beer
You cannot chew forever
On that whole rack of lamb
Bone and sinew sever
As you gorge the Christmas ham
I try to poke some cheese
With my green toothpick
But upon the plate you sneeze
And down the butter stick
My body light and brittle
Yours larger than a truck
The Presby will eat little
If the Baptist expects potluck
Hand the platter here
Before I go down to the bar
And order me a beer
You cannot chew forever
On that whole rack of lamb
Bone and sinew sever
As you gorge the Christmas ham
I try to poke some cheese
With my green toothpick
But upon the plate you sneeze
And down the butter stick
My body light and brittle
Yours larger than a truck
The Presby will eat little
If the Baptist expects potluck