Presbyterian/Baptist War

[Desdichado]

From cliffs of Pont du Hoc
To the rubble of Berlin
The Baptist rage did grow
Blotting out the sin

He led armored divisions
In Patton's mighty Third
At close of all his missions
Nazi moans were heard

He lept off his tank
Hefted his Garand
And with the heated barrel
Commenced the prisoner brand

The burned ones conspired
In jagged Teutonic tone's
To kill him while he's tired
Called assassins with their phones

He woke up one day
In a castle near Bavaria
His lover began to bray
Clapped in a hysteria

The German's gathered 'round him
Had their Walthers leveled
They'd avenge their kin
By plugging the Yank devil

His mistress grabbed a .30
Did so in a dash
Before you'd say "Jack Murphy"
All those Krauts were mashed

They gave him a promotion
Packed him off to Yalta
In land negotiation
Assumed he'd never falter

Uncle Joe didn't say a word
The commie banged the gavel faster
The pink star never heard
Assumed to be a fellow-traveler

The Pinko Dispy Baptist Glutton

 

[Desdichado]

Yeah man. Really itched my funny bone.

Huh? I wasn't really that impressed with it, myself. I almost didn't post it. You liked it?

 

[SovereignGrace]

The Presby preps for battle
He dons his shining armor
Climbs upon his steed
Yells the battle cry
That sounds like prattle

He sees his foes across the way
A fearsome lot they be
But he knows that he will win
He will win the victory

He spurs his steed to join the fray
He has the courage of 10 men
He's fearless in his battle array
The battle is his to win

As he rushes to the war
A gust of wind pushes him over the hill
It turns out his enemy is nothing more
Than in his mind some windmills

 

[SovereignGrace]

From Seattle, Washington
To the cliffs of Dover
When the Presby debated the Baptist
The bystanders knew it was over

The Presby prepped his words
He chose them rather wisely
But they were no match for the Baptist
Who used Romans 3 & 4 precisely

The Presby clamored for infant's baptism
Knew it was biblical
But the Baptist knew the Presby lacked wisdom
And thought his stance was comical

The Presby knew he'd been beat
And stomped off the stage
He was madder than mad
In his Calvinist rage

In conclusion to this I write
Presbys be careful in what you do
Especially debating with a Baptist
They'll make you look like a foo

 

[SovereignGrace]

The Presby and Baptist
Sat across from each other
The Presby leered at him
Like none other

He felt sorry for the Baptist
He knew he was the winner
He debated greater Baptist debaters
And had them for dinner

The moderator asked him about Genesis 1:1
When he sneered, "What do you mean Genesis 1:1?"
And pounded the table.
"I didn't know this was about the bible!
I thought it was a debate about Aesop's Fables!!!"

 

[Lighthearted]

The star struts his stuff
Air he shadow boxes
Not only is he tough
He can out-run foxes

His fists slice the air
Such is his the speed of glove
With a certain graceful flair
He could fly o'r dove

I followed him once
To the gym and to his castle
See how he trained to pounce
How he learned to wrastle

He donned his yoga pants
Moved his kiester to and fro
Breaking not a sweat
He cartwheeled like a pro

My curiosity hit a spike
What's the secret of my foe?
Behind his mountain bike
A chest of Tai-bo

On VHS

SG is old enough....lol
sure it wasnt Richard Simmons?


did y'all stay up all night or did ya just skip church today?

 

[SovereignGrace]

The Presby Pastor was awoken
By such an awful stench
He went down to the sanctuary
And looked under the mourner's bench

It was not there
He thought, "What shall I do?"
He looked under the rugs
And under his shoes

He went to the restroom
Thinking this may be source
But alas it was not there
The smell kept getting worse

He went to the lunchroom
He thought, "Surely its someone's leftovers."
He looked around, under the table, in the frig
But it twas not there to his dismay
"This is worse than last week's hangover!"

He then traipsed to the attic
To see if there was the odor
He looked in the closet and in the boxes
That smell was like a team of oxes

"I give up!" He boldly quipped
But then found the source
It was not in the sanctuary, the restroom, lunchroom or attic
But was his upper lip

 

[SovereignGrace]

A man was walking down the street
When he was stopped by a crying lad
The sight of this broke his heart
It made him very sad

"Why are you crying my son?" asked the man
"The reason why you are crying, what is the cause?"
The boy looked up at him and wiped his tears away
And said, "That mean old man over there said there's no Santa Claus!"

The man looked over and knew this old man
He was the Pastor of the Presby church
Down beside the old bar on the corner Faith and Main
A dive called 'The Tin Can'

He went up to him
He pointed his finger in his face
"How dare you be so mean to this lad,
And show such a lack of grace!"

He called the police and reported the Pastor
The police were there in a jiffy
They knew the Pastor was a drunk
Even though he always looked spiffy

They slapped on the cuffs
Threw him in the car
Told him, "Your antics, we've had enough
That's what happens when one
Spends too much time in a bar!"

"We have a place ready for you
For men as vile as thee
For the words over the cell door
Say 'Welcome to Gay Paris'<----pronounced Pair-E to rhyme with this poem

#OhHoHoHooooo

 

[Desdichado]

Baptist and the Presby
Went into the fur trade
Hiked their way to Derby
Searching every glade

Snows came upon them
On day forty-two
Ground glistened like the gem
Caused retreat of food

The Presby was wise
Stayed warm with his flask
Melted snow for water
For help he didn't ask

The Baptist was a fool
He packed a casserole
A box of chipmunk stool
And banana grown by Dole

This made the Baptist proud
"You packed no food, ya Presby
I'll see ya thin as a shroud
As my waste line grows steadily

The Presby stayed warm
The Baptist got fatter
In the next storm
They found it didn't matter

Whiskey had been swilled
The stool brought no beast
Nothing left to fill
No hope of a small feast

The Baptist eyed the Presby
The Presby eyed back
Both pounced with will steady
In mutual attack

The ground beneath them moved
Stained with blood and fur
In a contest which would prove
Who would have the other

The Presby may have been buzzed
But the Baptist got tired
In the snow and mud
They both nearly expired

The Presby finally died
Got basted like a duck
Never test the Baptist pride
If you're his next potluck

The savage.

 

[Desdichado]

The great Presby vicar
Got thrown in the drunk tank
For drinking too much liquor
And acting mighty rank

He surveyed his cell mates
Jim, Bill, Juaquin and Sov
Asked what they had done
To be thrown in Iron Gate

Jim Spoke first
"I killed my wife's lover"
The other inmates nodded
It didn't seem to bother

Bill then spoke
"I robbed the nearest mansion."
Since all the men were woke
It almost got no mention

Joaquin chimed in
"I'm here for doing drugs."
But that wasn't thought a sin
In a prison full of thugs.

The pastor looked at Sov
His mouth was tighter than a bin
Tried his best his to move
Away from the din

Then he finally broke
"I know you're here for being drunk!
But your crimes are all a joke
hear how low I've sunk!"

I ate my friend in Colorado!
He was mighty filling
It was brought on by starvation
But the FBI said "ritualistic killing"

The minister believed it
The truth he couldn't chuck
Never come between a Baptist
And his human potluck

 

[SovereignGrace]

The old Presby strolled
Through the hall of his church
Looking at pictures of forgone men
The thought of their passing
Almost made him berserk

He came upon this one old picture
Of such an ugly man
He thought, "How was a man so gruesome looking
Able to hold a woman's hand?"

"My son, come and see,
A man so truly ugly.
Have you ever seen a sight
That even the moon would not shine at night?"
He said rather smugly

"This man was so ugly you see,
That when people saw him, they broke commandment # 3.
He was so ugly, that to get a drink of water,
He had to hit his wife, slap his daughter."

"He was so ugly, my son,
He had to get a permit to walk in the sun.
He had to bribe his children
To go outside and play with him"

His son tried to hold back the snicker
He tried to hold back his laughing.
"Why are you trying not to laugh?
Do you think my jokes are in error?"
To which his son replied,
"Dad, you're looking in a mirror."

 

[Desdichado]

Hahahahaha. I'm dying. Dying!

 

[Desdichado]

The list of great Presbys
Is growing mighty short
I say this with a wine medly
As it's too sad to report

We started out with Knox
He tossed the Marian image
Said about it "Pox!"
On the penal voyage

Next we had fair Rutherford
A model of the sex
Who didn't take the monarch's word
Shouted "Lex Rex!"

Great John Witherspoon
Schooled the Founding Fathers
Who separated from the crown
when they had their druthers

What do we have now?
Where have our heroes gone?
Why must we only depend
Upon our future spawn?

A realist knows it bad
But don't let Baptists fool ya
James White was pretty rad
Until he became a Mullah

 

[Desdichado]

Watch, this poem will be read in the next episode of the Dividing Line followed by a fifteen-minute rant about how I'm attacking his ministry.

 

[SovereignGrace]

Slamming Dr. White
You see is quite the no-no
When you slam the man
It makes you the dodo

Dr. White's a Credo
Des the Paedo
But when a Paedo slams a Credo
They're the one's a dodo

Dr. White is Amil
And believes in the Baptist fundies
But Des is a recovering postmill
Who like to read the Left Behind series

 

[Lighthearted]

The Presby Pastor was awoken
By such an awful stench
He went down to the sanctuary
And looked under the mourner's bench

It was not there
He thought, "What shall I do?"
He looked under the rugs
And under his shoes

He went to the restroom
Thinking this may be source
But alas it was not there
The smell kept getting worse

He went to the lunchroom
He thought, "Surely its someone's leftovers."
He looked around, under the table, in the frig
But it twas not there to his dismay
"This is worse than last week's hangover!"

He then traipsed to the attic
To see if there was the odor
He looked in the closet and in the boxes
That smell was like a team of oxes

"I give up!" He boldly quipped
But then found the source
It was not in the sanctuary, the restroom, lunchroom or attic
But was his upper lip

Can I jusjt say...ewww

 

[SovereignGrace]

Magenta and Lighthearted
Two Baptists lasses
They like my poetic posts
Like them the most
And like me when I kick Presby's as....errummm....derrieres

 

[Lighthearted]

Baptist and the Presby
Went into the fur trade
Hiked their way to Derby
Searching every glade

Snows came upon them
On day forty-two
Ground glistened like the gem
Caused retreat of food

The Presby was wise
Stayed warm with his flask
Melted snow for water
For help he didn't ask

The Baptist was a fool
He packed a casserole
A box of chipmunk stool
And banana grown by Dole

This made the Baptist proud
"You packed no food, ya Presby
I'll see ya thin as a shroud
As my waste line grows steadily

The Presby stayed warm
The Baptist got fatter
In the next storm
They found it didn't matter

Whiskey had been swilled
The stool brought no beast
Nothing left to fill
No hope of a small feast

The Baptist eyed the Presby
The Presby eyed back
Both pounced with will steady
In mutual attack

The ground beneath them moved
Stained with blood and fur
In a contest which would prove
Who would have the other

The Presby may have been buzzed
But the Baptist got tired
In the snow and mud
They both nearly expired

The Presby finally died
Got basted like a duck
Never test the Baptist pride
If you're his next potluck

The savage.

Bahahaha! Rolling!! Praise Jesus! Too much!

 

[SovereignGrace]

You can not say ewww
You can not say it in your pew
Or while cooking stew
Or watching Dr. Drew
Or after drinking Mountain Dew

You can not say ewww after two
Or after drinking a brew
Not while you're sitting on your stool
Or even while you're shooting pool
Not even when you're acting a fool

You can not say ewww
Even while having a chew
Or while watching the movie Duel
Or while in the company of only a few
Or in front of a Jew
Or driving in a car brand new




You can not say eww

 

[SovereignGrace]

Bahahaha! Rolling!! Praise Jesus! Too much!

Apparently the lass prefers
The Presby of the youth
He is really young
I am getting long in the tooth

But there's one thing I have
That will always escape this young buck
I have an open invite
To the Baptist potluck