Presbyterian/Baptist War

This is awful.

I still wonder when we'll use our powers for good.

It is pretty dang good reading.

Keeping up with the Kardashians meets quixotic Lord Byron.

Hahahaha. Thanks!

As much as I would like to take credit for this thing, Sov kicked off the insult poetry on some thread a little over a year ago. We've been going back and forth every few months.

I've gotten some of my best internet laughs out of his writing.

Join in if you like! The Baptist/Presby War is open to all potential allies and non-aligned factions.

A Baptist or a Presby man?
Close to Sophie's choice
For ladies outside Calvin's clan
Who to Hillsong rejoice

I surely can console them
Not with a wand or spell
Nor cunning divination
Those tactics are for Hell

Let's correct a common lie
One I've fought for years
A fact that wouldn't die
It will wipe away the tears

Presby's are the stern ones
That's beyond opinion
But the Baptists play the brigand
Their Pastors are Dispys and their Deacons are Arminians

SovGrace ignores where the battle's at
He'd rather be in the Bible Subforum
Going tit for tat

The Presby comes to the Baptist church
To cause envy and strife
Knowing that no Baptist woman
Would want to be his wife

The the stench upon his breath
100 proof liquor
120 proof vodka
Is the smell of death

He stops the pastor's sermon
In Psalm 22
He bows before the women
And says "How do yewl---hic---dewl"

The deacons all surround him
Take him by his arms
You could hear a pin drop
As he got a beating from the schoolmarm

She beat him hip and thigh
She stomped his foot
Smacked his cheeks
Poked him in his eyes

She then grabs him by his ear
He's walking on tippy-toes
She gives him the ole heave ho
Into the creek he goes

He wakes us three days later
In the upper room of a stranger
Unaware of what had previously happened
Not aware of the previous danger

The stranger walks over
And explains to him what had been in the past
How a schoolmarm had kick his rear
And put him on his ass

"Ah, my trusty mule,"
Said the hung over Presby
"He did not leave me alone,
He must have brought me to your home."

"No," replied the stranger
"Tis not true at all.
The schoolmarm drug you out of the creek
And put you with the mule in the stall."

"But how did I get hear?"
Quipped the hung over Presby
"How did I get to your house,
After the schoolmarm kicked my rear?"

"Tis rather easy, I say to you dude,"
Said the stranger to the Presby
"The mule had no choice,
Either bring you here or be turned into glue."

Incidentally, I was once accused of visiting a church to troll for chicks...from the pulpit!

It was probably a cult, though. Long story.

Maybe I'll tell it in verse and throw in a Baptist insult at the end.

And this is different how
Tis all you ever write
You insult all the baptists
Then act rather trite

But what you write
In poem, writ and prose
Will soon gain you a visit from a Baptist
And a bonk on your nose

Keep up what you’re doing
Writing up a storm
And you’ll soon get a visit
From that Baptist schoolmarm

Rachel20 joined in the battle
Thought she had written beautiful prose
I told her it was prattle
Went to ER to fix my nose

Never be brutally honest
With the fairer sex
Just be coy
That will save your neck

Banging on his high chair
Screaming SovereignGrace
Lets have a battle of hair
Come meet me face to face

Seeing I am older
This battle is truly unfair
He’s younger and bolder
My hair is thinning up there

He uses prell
I use Panteen
His hair looks swell
Mine looks like it was washed in a canteen

I lost the battle
Tis easily seen
My hair looks like it came from cattle
His from a Cape Pelorum siren

Perhaps you should take a note about your silly prattle
In case your loving wifey didnt really tell you
Gain some wisdom lest ye find yourself in another battle

It's always best to be straight up especially with a lady
No need to be brutal or condescending
Just mind your manners matey

We female's have a soft place God gave us by design
Our intuition He near perfected
To detect all your boloney waaaaay ahead of time

Although we may decide to let you off real easy
Pretending slightly that we are shocked
when we really know youre cheesy

And that goes for ye both!

The Presby snuck through the window
When he was suddenly stopped in his tracks
By the cocking of a hammer
And cold steel pressed into his back

"Whatchu doin' in harr?"
Proclaimed the redneck feller.
"The last time some fewl did this
They war swingin' from that weeping willer!"

"But you have the best books!"
Proclaimed the Presby crying.
"I have grown tired of Presby writers,
Their writings are rather boring and trying."

"What books are youin' lookin' fer?"
Ask the redneck feller.
"You see this library's best book,
Is a book called 'Ole Yeller!"

Lighthearted has jumped into this thread
Put'em put'em up
I'll put you to bed
With my uppercut

I always said I would never
Ever hit a lady
But Lighthearted ain't no lady
So here's my haymaker

I write this poem
Solely in jest
Not meaning any harm
Not being a pest

But if a woman wants
Equal rights
She'd better be ready
When she jumps into this fight

I ain't drawing no lines about no equal rights
I do what I can and I do what I must
Im not here to be raisin no fuss

God made me a woman
and gave me my strengths
good thing for you, lest ya all walk the plank

I dont mind a good jab or a few
God gave me brains
and a mouth to speak too

So lay it on as thick as ya want
Pink starfish like you
they dont worry me much

So Des can holler'
He can throw his food yonder
I still see you both as great boo hooey bawlers

When you'ins need a comfortin' hug
Better run to your mama's
or get whooped like a rug

: P

Y'all are funny

Gather round the flame, my friends
I'll tell the promised tale
Be sure you're wearing depends
For in laughter you shall wale

On a day not long ago in a southern locale
I had a special client, a truly generous gal
She cut an early check and I was much obliged
So a trip to her church fit in the day's montage

There I saw our interns, friends I made before
They hugged me and high-fived me like I'd greet Sov Grace (and more)
Ushered I was into a vast sanctuary
The service started quick lest our Lord not tarry

There like a switch the boys roiled in the aisle
Voices split in tongues but not the ancient style
The pastor took the stage and got his sheep more riled!

He switched off the mic and bellowed at the crowd
They loyal shot back in a fashion mighty loud
The sermon from Ephesians was about the church
But after merely seconds, he left it in a lurch

"Girls come to the altar! The Spirit quakes within
Listen to my prophecy and avoid the tempter's sin
Men are after you! Men from the outside
They'll deflower and discard you- they want you for your hide!"

Maidens in the pews heeded his demand
They rose up from their seats as a dreadful band
Running to the altar, too distraught to stand
Some relished this moment, feeling mighty grand

He looked up from the pulpit, eyes upon my track
"I see them now, ladies. standing in the back
Prowling like the devil on merciless attack
Give in not my darlings to their tempting swack
For they'll bed you and they'll leave you
In BSG they called it 'frak'"

The opposite occurred
The girls became my friends
Learned I'm not a turd
A happy little end

I told my pastor of it all
On my sojourn home
We clanked our glasses tall
and reveled in the foam

"It could be worse, my lad
Sure, he labeled you a heathen
But imagine if he said your dad
Was a Baptist deacon!"