This is long and I apologize. I think I opened up a bit here, hope you don't mind my transparency.
Thanks Jamie for your input. As for me, I wish to honestly confess that just because I am a virgin in the flesh doesn't mean I deserve a virgin wife, because I have sinned in other ways if not sexual in nature. I am sinner myself as you can see.
Bless you. No really, that’s very humble and I firmly believe that God rewards a compassionate, forgiving heart – forgiving of whomever you date as well as yourself.
But I do not like romantic boyfriend-girlfriend sexual relations that sometimes tend to span for years where the man and the woman are joining their souls and bodies through the explicit act of sex with earthly passion and desire for each other.
I agree for the most part. If couples are avoiding marriage out of fear or contempt, I don't think fondly of that. Keep in mind our government has a way of punishing married couples, financially. There are benefits, but there is also certain assistance that you are barred from if you are married. For me, that was disability insurance – but that’s ok. The partnership with my husband is worth far more than that. But for some couples, it is not only cheaper not to get married; it is the only affordable way to live together. It’s not “get a court marriage, if you can’t pay for a wedding.” Because you are still making legal ties… but funny, marriage is adamantly communicated as sacred by God. Which is why I think pastors who refuse to do ceremonies for ceremonies sake so the couple can be united before witnesses without the state, is superficial, very worldly and I’d go so far as to say one way or another there will be an answering for that.
I would be hesitant to judge those who live together, because you don’t know the state of their hearts, or their circumstances. As there is something to be said for a tough skin, and principles, and such… this is all easy to say, until you fall in love, esp if you’re the kind that doesn't have urges unless you are in love.
I know that’s a cop-out explanation, but it really is true that those feelings for just the right person can overcome reason. I’m not excusing it – my feelings are IF two people are going to have sex, they should talk about it, wait a while, and be willing for any consequences, be them physical, psychological, emotional, social, whatever. It’s a very important decision and should not happen simply because it “feels right” and that’s just what you do… well, let’s say I have a hard time feeling sympathy for couples who treat sex as if it’s as trivial and standard as holding hands. Obviously it has FAR more significance than that, and that is evident across culture and across century. Those who treat this gift to couples like a sport, or leisure – yeah, that’s despicable but that’s my feelings.
These sought of relations form a strong soul-tie that gets engraved in their cells and memories. You cannot wipe it out from the mind. Like you yourself confessed that you take those memories into your marriage.
Where is the assurance that the woman won't subconsciously compare me to her past lovers?
My husband had experience before me, and more so, but he is the kind of man that can't feel sexual attraction to a woman he is not in love with. There are men like that, as well as women - they can't get turned on if there is nothing more. They can't have "just a sexual relationship.” I wouldn't assume that all long-term couples are just having an affair.
So far as the subconscious... you're going to hold that against a woman? What control does she have over that, other than to keep loving you? And how do you read that, anyway?
Let me tell you this: The brain is as much a sex organ as the rest of the body. These things are very complex, as it is not the same for every man or every women - being unique creations of God; He doesn't create duplicates - and that includes sex and what a person likes. That’s why I reject the notion of “well the plumbing is there, you can just figure that out when you get married – meanwhile, hush hush.” That’s just…. silly and ignorant and a good way to end up with a divorce.
I firmly believe that if a meaningful connection is made, given a healthy woman mentally, that you will NOT feel in competition in any way with anyone before you. And I can tell you with a husband who had a few partners before me, I have NEVER felt like another woman was in the room.
Early in our marriage, I was awake and I heard him say my name. I turned and he was asleep. The first lover I was with, said his ex-girlfriend's name while asleep - he dumped me very soon after. Our marriage and physical/emotional connections however, have become stronger.
Not sure how much closer you can get to the subconscious, than hearing a person say something in their sleep. Relationships are complex. Time and level of intimacy doesn’t always indicate the strength of the relationship, or its bearing on the heart. People are shocked to hear 30 year, 40 year couples divorces… I’m not, because this is not as conventional wisdom as people try to make it out to be… and oversimplifying it can make it worse, because you’re not addressing the couple specifically, but instead advising on a general concept or idea.
I knew a woman whose grandson got married to a girl he got pregnant – they were both 20 or under and go married. She told me they’d make it because “they’d grow up together.” Well, that may generally work in some cases, but they were divorced in less than five years. “Conventional wisdom” is only good to a point, because everyone is different, different pairings of personalities and interests are going to require different and unique remedies.
I did struggle with the past, and my then boyfriend and I talked about that. I talked to him about the Old Eve, and told him things no one else knows… and he still accepted me, and helped me with it. If there’s any indication that you have a good catch on your hands, it would be lack of critical judgement upon your past and more focus on your present. Someone who is not critical of your past, may be more inclined to a forgiving attitude than a critical one in day to day matters.
And as far as past relationships for me... what I did was focus on things David said to me. I wrote things down he said and things we did together. The key putting away past connections: what worked for me was a conscious focus on my husband. I know that's sounds "duh" but I mean beyond living - actually interact with recent memories with your current spouse. As you saturate your mind with wonderful day to day moments, the past people become dimmer and dimmer, more than they already were. You are over laying past memories with current memories, and imo, you can rewire these past connections that was made.
Keep in mind I have an emotional disorder, so if this really helped me, try suggesting it to your future wife if she has previous love(s). Interact with the present - mediate on it. Paul advocates similar method in Philippians 4 for achieving contentment.
The very thought of she thinking about her past lovers just defiles the marriage in some sense and that would make me very uncomfortable and TRUST ME I rather be single my entire life than enter into a marriage with that woman.
Please remember that there's a big difference between a memory flashing (that can’t be helped) and actually dwelling on that memory. In the aftermath of sexual sin is like any other sin, in that it takes a will and effort to wipe the slate clean.
Also keep in mind that not all sex before marriage is created equal. lol In the sense of falling short, yes. In the sense of the psyche, no. Depending on the intensity of the relationships emotionally, the personality, the upbringing, etc a woman with little experience in the past will deal with it much easier than a woman that had a promiscuous lifestyle, sex on the first date, and moving fast - that kind of thing.
Honestly, I dare say you would have more trouble with a woman who was raised to believe sex is wrong, or to be avoided, and then had gotten into that situation. Basically, if a woman is trained to believe sex is sinful, that woman is going to have a harder time enjoying sex, even within the confines of marriage, esp if she fell short before. The brain is just as much involved, and is interacting as well so what it’s been programmed to think is going to affect pleasure. Usually. Focusing on her sin thus prompts focus on the past lover. I am not saying don’t go for a convicted, modest woman. What I AM saying is that if a woman believes that sex is a healthy party of a meaningful relationship (even before marriage), she may release the past with far more ease than an overly religious minded woman. She would because she sees the sex as part of the relationship, and so in letting go of the relationship she lets go of the sexual connection as well. These are not absolutes of course, just general things I have gathered in reading, and also taking a Marriage and Family class.
I simply can't! Do i hate her? Absolutely not! But, I prefer not to join with her. Is marriage something that is forced upon me? Or do I have a choice? If I do get a choice, I won't accept her as my wife but surely can maintain good and friendly relations with her.
Well, like tourist said, if you reject woman after woman because she’s not a virgin, or hasn’t proven her faith to the Lord for a period of chastity, you will not only become older and have LESS time to spend with the wife you do choose, but physically you won’t enjoy or even know what youthful lovemaking feels like. And I’ve read, and heard from older people, it does change. Like that old Conway Twitty song: “And if I can, I know that I’d still love to lay you down.”
And Solomon said “enjoy the wife of your youth.” There is vitality in these younger years, a certain charisma that wanes as you get older (not absolute, obviously). Sex being involved just as much with the brain, your psychological state will play a role in what you will and will not be open to, even in dating – most people start getting settled in their thinking, and it becomes even harder to find someone because they won’t bend anymore. That is just human, and you must fight that if you want to remain flexible as you get older; you are not doomed to it. And I’m not saying that youthful sex is something that you must have to be satisfied in marriage, but I’m just saying don’t like it pass you by because you assumed how she would connect with you on that fact and that fact alone. Sex is not the black and white thing some make it out to be.
Hmm but what about a woman that lost her virginity during her teen years as a mistake, but corrected herself through the elders in the church and continued to be faithful to God and did not engage in any fornication up until her late adult years? That woman is acceptable to me and it is quite admirable that she continued faithfully in the Lord.
Kudos.
) Yet, we have made it a point of agreement between us to follow God's command to not engage in sex before we marry each other.
