Note: I use the second person a lot (addressing "you") but it's really generic - I'm not insinuating you don't know this or that, or anyone else.
I started with it, a lot; but both are guilty and I don´t regret it took us time to split. My sister has divorced twice, my older brother has divorced twice, too... I think one is enough for me!
Well, for those who are willing to learn from them, mistakes are beneficial and the consequences of them refine us. I think God uses naturally caused suffering and persecution, but He uses our mistakes as well.
And I think one of my pet peeves in some doctrines and teachings, is sin is taught as bad, bad, bad (and it is), BUT nothing good can come from it and avoid it at all costs. It seems to me that if you have the perspective that sin has no place in the world, then you probably won't draw the lesson from your mistake in terms of spiritual/moral insight, but rather focus on the mere consequence and the mere action which is bad. It's bad you did it, but if you are focused on the action, you may never address the root and do it again. To me, demonizing sin (I mean the mental as well as action) in such a way as if it is unnatural for a human to make mistakes, or possible to be sinless, causes much mental anguish and, AND, is unrealistic (the magic word of the day
).
I want to make clear that there are plenty of religious, fundamental folks that have a successful marriage. Someone can certainly be fundamental and yet lean more towards the positive side of that belief. That has been more the exception than the rule, in my experience, however.
It seems zealous, religious-minded folks sometimes have a hard time even with St. Paul and his practical advice (albeit broad). As a Christian, with a Christian, growing up with this concept of sin can cause you to focus far more on your spouse's wrongs than rights. Because all your Christian walk, you're more preoccupied with avoiding this, and avoiding that, and so living with someone, a stumble is probably what's going to catch your attention more than kindness and affection.
For me personally, I have dated as a fundamental in thought, and as more relaxed, or liberal. I see a lot more good, now, even though I tend towards negativity in my personality. But there are varying factors in how a person, regardless of doctrine, receives this or that situation.
Anyone would tend to criticize a bit. But when you throw strict religion in the mix, then the criticisms are harsher, because this other should know better, being a Christian and all. "If he/she really loved God, he wouldn't be doing this." You need to know the person's habits, tendencies to beliefs, daily living, etc before you get married. It's one thing to trust God - it's another thing to neglect one's own ability to gather information, trusting God to catch you when you jump, because He can.
I met a woman online, very early in my Christian walk. She was an older lady, really nice. She was on husband #3, and it became apparent to me that she depended on a man to feel complete. But she talked about the fights she was having with #3. They had different ideas on manners, and how his children should act (she had children as well). And he should just know that child is rude - he's a Christian, right? He should know not to let his son speak disrespectfully to his wife - he's a Christian, right? And she also talked about how they went to different churches, he refused to go to hers, and the people at his church, she said, sympathized with him and the separation they were thinking about.
She admitted they moved very fast. And I admit I only have her side. But that's just it - going into a marriage with someone with the same name on their faith isn't wise if you don't know all the details of what they believe... and that includes day to day living.
The perfect wedding do exist, each day we chose rightly.
YES! The physical wedding is only the beginning and hopefully a couple's love matures and is far richer and deeper than even when they said their vows. Everyday, you commune together as one before God - just by sharing your life.
Changing is not a bad thing!
Except the moment YOU realized: "Is it me the one she loved?"
That's key. Everyone is different, but some people get with someone because they're more in love with the idea of being in love. It takes someone honest with themselves to realize this.
Religion and likes are issues: I´m sure I cannot live with someone whose beliefs are too different. I have lived with Catholics and it is easier than living with Protestants (perhaps it is "too much" knowledge of the Bible they would discuss (and argue).
Well, Protestants are often accused of holding the Bible up as an idol. That a pretty broad brush, but in some circles, there is an intense focus on Word Alone. When you believe the Bible is the ONLY way you can hear God, you tend to focus intensely on it. How do I know? I was a devout Lutheran, at one point. Having been in both churches, Protestants do seem far more eager to discuss how God's word proves this and that, than Catholics. Catholics focus more on ritual and liturgical experience. (They do not believe their rituals save them, contrary to popular, and sometimes knowingly repeated misconcception.)
My husband and I are not identical in our religious thoughts - I am a bit more conservative than he is, while to other conservatives I must seem liberal. But we are in the same spirit of belief. We are in the same mindset that flux in belief is not a bad thing. We are the same in frustrations when communicating with literal-minded believers. We are the same in that we can't stand being labeled immoral for not confessing a particular belief that varies within Christendom herself.
In fact, our very first words were through a mutual friend concerning biblical context - we did not agree, entirely, and I sent him a friend request and he accepted. The mutual friend? A militant atheist, that I meant on another thread and invited him to be my friend. He warned me that he swears a lot on his Timeline, and very outspoken. I said "I'm 26, not 6!" lol
How different it would've been, if I had shunned this man for his bitterness towards organized religion, particularly Christianity? I may have never met my husband. That's why it angers and even sometimes saddens me when "be ye separate" is used to put up walls, even to complete strangers. I can't help but think "You don't know the doors you could be closing based solely on assumption and pride."
But I sympathize far more with orthodox thought than my husband, even though I challenge it. He has said he loves discussing theology with me, because I discuss it in a far different manner than he's used to, in dealing with religious people. But we have the same reverence for God and Christ. So, people need to be similar in beliefs, but being varried can actually enhance a relationship, I think. We feed off each other, in that sense, because although we focus on the same God, we often use a different lense and thus teach each other new things.
If I lived with someone whose music is not "mine" I rather go and, my mother, is the best example I can talk: She likes Salsa music and watching TV programs where people speak about Horoscopes and "fortune" telling... No! I hate that. He! He!
For some people, music is a deal-breaker. I don't live on music, and my husband doesn't either. We both read quite a bit, and I write a lot. I like most of what he listens too, more obscure stuff that I've never heard. But while I like his stuff, I also like mainstream content that he detests - and stuff he's never heard. He said the jazz with the wolves howling is the weirdest thing he's every heard, lol. He tastes are much more narrow, but he will let me play some in the car (and make fun of it, which makes me laugh). I think one reason we don't clash on music is because I don't feel insecure that he doesn't like all of the stuff I listen to.
One thing we struggle a little bit with is the food. His mom has always cooked for him and his brothers, and so he's used to good, home cooked meals. I have lived alone for the past five years before meeting him, and I didn't really like cooking - I liked something fast. And it wasn't practical to buy a lot of perishables so that they can perish. lol
So yeah, it's very important to consider what you were used to growing up - how things are "just done." Do you rinse the plate and put it straight in the dishwasher every time regardless, or do you let dishes set overnight? Do you like the TV loud or soft? What about temperature? There are a TON of everyday things to explore, which is why cohabitation sometimes work splendidly for couples who then get married. I read that often the fall of a marriage is not something "big" like an affair, but the accumulation of resentment for different ideas of how to do things, and poor communication concerning such.
Sharing a room is an adventure as sharing a life but time tell us all we need our own space. She was blind to see my limits, to the point I build an extra room to put my things and avoid her cleanings or my being messy. Now, when I visit my kids, I see them messy (as their mother is) but I leave that room the same way I came to work on the computers I gave them. So, a perfect wedding could be knowing HOW a person is before being engaged.
Alone time is important. I have heard the perfect marriage is not two lives becoming one, but people with their own separate lives, building a third one to share together.
To be continued...