What is reasonable to give up....?

[CatHerder]

We've had threads about what we like about being single.
We've had threads about what we don't like about being single.
We've had threads about what we are looking for in that special someone.
We've had threads about how to prepare ourselves for that special someone.
We've had threads about being content to be single...

...and we may have even had a thread like this before. If so, I missed it.



What parts of your current lifestyle would you give up for a relationship?

Would you change your look? Gentlemen, would you grow or shave off a mustache or beard if your lady preferred that? Ladies, if your guy didn't like bangs, would you get a new hairstyle?

If you are close to your family, geographically and emotionally, would you move to a different part of the country? Would you move out of the country? What if there was a language barrier in your new part of the world?

Would you marry someone poor but who manages money well and is a good steward of his or her resources? What if this meant living a different lifestyle than the one to which you are accustomed?

Would you give up certain things like eating fried chicken over the sink in favor of eating together as a family? Would you give up staying up too late to play on the computer or watch TV in favor of going to bed at the same time as your spouse...maybe even...praying together?

Not giving up some of these things may be selfish, but is it possible to give up too many things? Can you lose what makes you YOU in the relationship?

How does one find the balance?

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Not giving up some of these things may be selfish, but is it possible to give up too many things? Can you lose what makes you YOU in the relationship?

How does one find the balance?

Wow... you guys are coming up with some great threads! I love this one.

Yeah, giving up any one of these things, or any one of anything at all, isn't a big deal. But if you give up too many, suddenly you aren't YOU anymore. How much can we change of ourselves and still be who we are?

Also, how much would our significant other WANT us to change for them? I know that for me, I've pretty much decided that however a person is now, is how they probably will be when married, so if i were to have any issues then I need to either be okay with them, or move on. Perhaps that isn't fair? I dunno. I wouldn't want anyone to change too much for me, because at some point they realize they just aren't happy that way.

Anyway:

I'd change my hair, or the way I dress, or some of my interests in order to adapt to what my spouse enjoyed or appreciated. (I mean, within reason. I'm not the type to wear black leather and spiked heels.)

I dated a guy once who did not own a TV. I think I could give up TV. The internet is another matter altogether.

I believe that I could adapt to low-income living as long as we were responsible. Country life, suburb life, urban life. Eh.

I can adapt to new family traditions, and could let some old ones go if I needed to.

I can let go of old foods and try new ones.

I want to say I could embrace an entirely different culture, but I've never actually done it so I don't want to be too confident there.

My job is probably one of the things I couldn't give up easily. It's perfect for me and it makes me very happy. I would really struggle to adapt to a 9-5 office job. My work (both the business I run and my ministry work) is a huge part of who I am. He'd need to be okay with the financial risks involved in running my own business as well as the odd work hours (when I expend a lot of energy) and non-work hours (when I seem to do nothing at all).

I'm never ever ever ever going to be a morning person, or someone who can exist on little sleep. It's not about willingness to adapt. It's just a fact. I'd need to make sure they were okay with that going in.

 

[bafa]

How does one find the balance?

Be a Leader

 

[hannahbeth1124]

I, personally would give up none of the things in my life for a relationship.

I am an in-home care provider for my mother and sister, I am the unwed mother of a beautiful son, and a daughter of the Most High. I have to believe that whoever God put in my path would know and love these things about me, because none of them can or would be compromised.

As far as appearance, I feel if you love someone, you want them to be happy and comfortable in their own skin. So, I wouldn't ask anyone to change their appearance for me, and I'd expect the same.

I have no emotional attachment to my lifestyle, because we were low income my entire childhood and all it ever did was show me how God can provide in the bleak situations, and how very much my mother loved us.

In short, while it depends on each person's personal convictions and where God leaves them, I find a good rule of thumb to be that if things about you make your partner so uncomfortable, perhaps it's not the partner you were meant to have. There are, of course exceptions, special circumstances, etc. But I have made the mistake of compromising myself in relationships before for the sake of peace, only to find that that person's idea of love is not and could never be the love I know to be real and out there for me. Self-serving love is no love at all.

Now if I were doing something I oughtn't in the sight of God, and my partner said that needed changing, I would have to come around. Or if he were allergic to my favorite perfume or something. Like i said. Tons of what ifs here. Good question!

 

[CatHerder]

Be a Leader

Not sure what you mean by this. I didn't pose this question with leadership in mind, specifically. Leaders are called to make sacrifices when necessary. Yet they should also take care of themselves so they are in a position to lead. So, again the question: "How does one find the balance?"

I, personally would give up none of the things in my life for a relationship.

I am an in-home care provider for my mother and sister, I am the unwed mother of a beautiful son, and a daughter of the Most High. I have to believe that whoever God put in my path would know and love these things about me, because none of them can or would be compromised.

As far as appearance, I feel if you love someone, you want them to be happy and comfortable in their own skin. So, I wouldn't ask anyone to change their appearance for me, and I'd expect the same.

I have no emotional attachment to my lifestyle, because we were low income my entire childhood and all it ever did was show me how God can provide in the bleak situations, and how very much my mother loved us.

In short, while it depends on each person's personal convictions and where God leaves them, I find a good rule of thumb to be that if things about you make your partner so uncomfortable, perhaps it's not the partner you were meant to have. There are, of course exceptions, special circumstances, etc. But I have made the mistake of compromising myself in relationships before for the sake of peace, only to find that that person's idea of love is not and could never be the love I know to be real and out there for me. Self-serving love is no love at all.

Now if I were doing something I oughtn't in the sight of God, and my partner said that needed changing, I would have to come around. Or if he were allergic to my favorite perfume or something. Like i said. Tons of what ifs here. Good question!

Some of those seem like big things to give up. I can understand not wanting to.


Would your answer change if he never asked you to make a change but you knew of his preference? For instance, he has never asked you to let your hair grow long but you know that he likes women with long hair - would you grow your hair out? - merely a hypothetical example as I can see from your avatar that you have long hair

But what about other sacrifices? What if you had an expensive and/or time consuming hobby? Would you give it up to make time in the relationship?

 

[hannahbeth1124]

Funny that you mention that. My ex was a drifter and spent all of his time/money on his car. I was understanding of it until I got to the root of why it was so important to him. It was a selfish thing. He didn't know any other way. He was raised that his happiness and dreams were paramount. I, personally was raised to the contrary and have learned over time that I could never bring myself to spend any significant amount of money on myself. So It's hard for me to identify with that one.

As far as willingly changing something physical about myself, sure. It might be a nice thing to do for a partner who would never ask it of me.

Not sure what you mean by this. I didn't pose this question with leadership in mind, specifically. Leaders are called to make sacrifices when necessary. Yet they should also take care of themselves so they are in a position to lead. So, again the question: "How does one find the balance?"

Some of those seem like big things to give up. I can understand not wanting to.


Would your answer change if he never asked you to make a change but you knew of his preference? For instance, he has never asked you to let your hair grow long but you know that he likes women with long hair - would you grow your hair out? - merely a hypothetical example as I can see from your avatar that you have long hair

But what about other sacrifices? What if you had an expensive and/or time consuming hobby? Would you give it up to make time in the relationship?

 

[cinder]

We've had threads about what we like about being single.
We've had threads about what we don't like about being single.
We've had threads about what we are looking for in that special someone.
We've had threads about how to prepare ourselves for that special someone.
We've had threads about being content to be single...

...and we may have even had a thread like this before. If so, I missed it.



What parts of your current lifestyle would you give up for a relationship?

Would you change your look? Gentlemen, would you grow or shave off a mustache or beard if your lady preferred that? Ladies, if your guy didn't like bangs, would you get a new hairstyle?

If you are close to your family, geographically and emotionally, would you move to a different part of the country? Would you move out of the country? What if there was a language barrier in your new part of the world?

Would you marry someone poor but who manages money well and is a good steward of his or her resources? What if this meant living a different lifestyle than the one to which you are accustomed?

Would you give up certain things like eating fried chicken over the sink in favor of eating together as a family? Would you give up staying up too late to play on the computer or watch TV in favor of going to bed at the same time as your spouse...maybe even...praying together?

Not giving up some of these things may be selfish, but is it possible to give up too many things? Can you lose what makes you YOU in the relationship?

How does one find the balance?

Yet another reason why I'm still single: I don't have a good answer to this question. I think I would find it easy to adapt to new interests, especially things my guy was passionate about and just loved teaching me about.

I've done the living overseas thing and I think I'd be willing to do so temporarily for a relationship, but I'd have to think long and hard about entering a relationship that would mean our family would always be spread across multiple countries.

Don't think I'd have too much trouble necessarily altering my appearance or schedule but I'm not the kind of person that can handle being constantly on the go or will spend an hour everyday making sure I look good so there are limits to this too. General lifestyle would be harder because I usually have a good reason for what I do so it would take a lot of discussion to convince me a different way would be better.

Then again isn't all this kind of the art of forming one new combined couple's life out of two very different individuals?

Oh and no I don't think I'll ever be able to eat spicy food, sorry spicy food guys out there.

 

[Lynx]

This thread poses a good question and there have been some good answers. Unfortunately I cannot give a good answer, or even a real answer at all. It would depend on the circumstances, the girl, the reason the girl wants me to give something up and the reason I would not want to give it up.

It is said that a person can give up anything... for a price. But some prices would be hard to pay. I haven't yet seen whether (insert thing I would be giving up) would be worth (insert girl asking me to give them up.)

The only thing I can really provide here is comedy relief. Sometimes you don't have to compromise if you know enough about your other half.

 

[Fenner]

Since I'm married I'll just throw in what I guess I gave up, but didn't really think about much.

My own bank account, we have a joint account.

I moved out of my hometown for a while, but eventually we moved back and we were only a half hour away so no big deal. I would have moved where ever.

My own bedroom, OK, this one is still tough for me. I like sleeping alone, I don't sleep as well with another person. Sometimes my Son will fall asleep in my room, so I'll leave him there and sleep in his bed.

My own bathroom. When you got one bathroom and four people, unless you're home alone, don't plan on spending too much time in there.

TV, my kids and Husband take over the TV. I really don't care.

 

[Nautilus]

I would never shave for someone. If you don't like the beard then you don't like me. As far as moving I'd be mostly indifferent as long as it isn't out in the country. I need to be relatively close to a decent sized city. And I'm a night owl. I've tried going to bed early and it just doesnt work. Also like fenner I like sleeping alone, so a california king would be the best option in a relationship

 

[MissCris]

I've never known what's reasonable to give up or change about myself and what isn't. I used to do whatever a guy asked of me, giving up everything, changing until I didn't recognize myself. I've relocated for a man, lost weight for a man, given up friends, changed my hair, wore clothes I hated, went places I didn't feel comfortable going...the list goes on.

And I've also refused to change or give up a single thing...which is just as bad.

I think I'm learning...I hope. I mean, I think I'm figuring out that someone who actually loves me won't ask me to sacrifice anything that makes me...me. And I'm finding out that when I actually love someone, giving up or changing some things isn't such a big deal, if I know it will make them happy, or help them worry about me less, or just make our lives better.

I dunno...I'm not real great with relationship/marriage stuff...I do a lot of guesswork and trial and error and flying by the seat of my pants...so I don't actually know what I'm doing in this thread. But it's a good topic and has been an interesting thread to read.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I would never shave for someone. If you don't like the beard then you don't like me. As far as moving I'd be mostly indifferent as long as it isn't out in the country. I need to be relatively close to a decent sized city. And I'm a night owl. I've tried going to bed early and it just doesnt work. Also like fenner I like sleeping alone, so a california king would be the best option in a relationship

What if the only thing coming between you and a relationship with Taylor Swift was a beard?

 

[secularhermit]

Anything that has no use, anything not convenient or practical, can be given up.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hold the phone. You mean, I have GIVE SOMETHING UP???? No wonder I'm single!!

It really is interesting how God changes us through time and experience. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, my answers would have been quite different--I would have been very reluctant to change locations or jobs. Now, it's kind of like... "Oh what the hee haw, why not?" seeing as I've already done it twice. There have been ups and downs and I'd still weigh the pros and cons, but I'd be much more open to it now... possibly even another country, but that would take someone VERY special.

I always wonder what the balance is between being flexible, compromising, but also not losing myself. I am used to being able to make it on my own but that it with only me to worry about. If I married someone with 4 kids and suddenly he was saying, "What you're doing isn't good enough, where you're working isn't prestigious enough, what you're making isn't nearly enough to support our blended family and give my kids the lifestyle/ipods/newest phones and gadgets they are used to having," that would be a huge consideration, because it would literally be changing ME and I don't think I'm capable of becoming that person for someone else. I've had some encounters where you could literally see/hear/read the utter disdain going through their minds when they find out I don't have a big fancy job. My last boyfriend had 3 kids and it is a huge, huge culture shock to now be somewhat expected (definitely a must if it were a marriage) to support 4 other family members when you're used to just paying for yourself.

I've also dealt with distances and not seeing someone very often, surviving on letters and phone calls. I've often wondered if this is because God is preparing me to marry someone in the military or someone who has to travel for work, I don't know.

I am a bit inflexible as far as hair goes, but I'd listen to what he had to say. I used to grow my hair and then chop it all off every 3 years or so--it was very cleansing to me, and at one point I even believed God wanted me to cut it after my divorce. So, I'd be open to feedback but ultimately, he has to accept that I'm going to choose what's easiest for me to work with and makes me feel most presentable for my life at work, church, and yes, at home.

Once upon a time, I used to meet someone and "KNOW" right away--if I thought he was boyfriend material or not--and now I could definitely see myself forming a friendship over several years and THEN falling in love after a long time of getting to know each other and seeing each other through a few years of ups and downs... Kind of an "accidental" or "incidental" falling in love, if you will.

I know it's unlikely to happen though, because who on earth is willing to wait that long? That's why I say it would be kind of accidental... being friends for a very long time with no pressure or expectations and then suddenly looking at each other and saying, "Wow, I love you!" (Yes, I watched When Harry Met Sally way too many times.)

 

[Hellooo]

[video=youtube;o_27y74pw1g]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_27y74pw1g[/video]

 

[Shouryu]

What if the only thing coming between you and a relationship with Taylor Swift was a beard?

I need to start growing my beard again, then.

 

[Roh_Chris]

This thread made me reflect on myself a bit. Thank you CatHerder, for this thread.

What parts of your current lifestyle would you give up for a relationship?

My lifestyle largely comprises of the following activities -
- Worship
- Work
- Family
- Friends
- Music
- Time-outs for myself

I would not give up any of these for a relationship. I believe that this is what gives me an identity. If she loves me, she has to love me for my identity. I don't believe in any other concept of love between a couple.

Would you change your look? Gentlemen, would you grow or shave off a mustache or beard if your lady preferred that? Ladies, if your guy didn't like bangs, would you get a new hairstyle?

It depends on what I have to change and if it is worth changing for her. I know I have to bulk up, so I would do that. My second ex-girlfriend wanted me to change my hairstyle and I did that, because I liked her suggestion. But I would not wear sole-pads or go for a surgery to add 2 inches to my height. I know I'm short (5'6"), but if she can't accept me for that, then she is free to move on.

If you are close to your family, geographically and emotionally, would you move to a different part of the country? Would you move out of the country? What if there was a language barrier in your new part of the world?

I come from a family where my mom's family grew up in Malaysia and my dad's family grew up in India. Until the death of my maternal grandpa, it used to be a mix of 2 cultures in my family. Also, I am actually planning to move out within the next two years - either through my job or through higher studies.

Language is also not a problem. I have survived in three places without even knowing the local language. I can quickly pick up the language. Plus, I have travelled a lot - 21 cities/towns over 4 countries in 3 years (will add another 6-8 towns this month). I can survive as long as I have someone who can provide me a roof over my head and advise me if I need some help - the rest I can do on my own.

Would you marry someone poor but who manages money well and is a good steward of his or her resources? What if this meant living a different lifestyle than the one to which you are accustomed?

The term "poor" is ambiguous. Financial condition is important for me. I can adjust my lifestyle for someone who has enough to provide for herself and who has a decent savings/investment. But I would not change my lifestyle to live with someone who has no career-planning, is not hygienic or does not have good mannerisms. This is very important for me.

Would you give up certain things like eating fried chicken over the sink in favor of eating together as a family? Would you give up staying up too late to play on the computer or watch TV in favor of going to bed at the same time as your spouse...maybe even...praying together?

I would give up things as long as I am convinced that it is for the better. The onus of convincing me is on her. But I must say that it is pretty easy to convince me as long as her arguments are rational. Just don't try spiritual-blackmail or emotional-blackmail tactics. Don't even think about reverse-psychology.

Not giving up some of these things may be selfish, but is it possible to give up too many things? Can you lose what makes you YOU in the relationship? How does one find the balance?

The balance is this - to know the difference between "Compromise" and "Adjustment". One must never compromise, but one can always adjust.

I would always adjust, but I would never compromise. For example, sharing bedspace is an adjustment. It is not a compromise. Giving up on music or my friends, is a compromise. It is not an adjustment. What constitutes compromising and what constitutes adjusting varies from one person to another. Each person has to define it for himself/herself in order to make any relationship work.

My first ex-girlfriend made me give up on my close friends in order to spend time with her. Though I am socially amicable, there are only a handful of friends who know me well enough. It was a big loss for me, but I did it in order to make the relationship work (this was 6 years ago, and I thought she was THE ONE for me). Anyway, that relationship fell apart and I had a lot of work to do to get back to my friends. That incident taught me a very valuable lesson on compromise and adjustment. Today, I would rather walk out of a relationship than compromise to make it work. Maybe that's why I prefer a long-dating period stretching over 1 or 2 years.

 

[Nautilus]

What if the only thing coming between you and a relationship with Taylor Swift was a beard?

As much as it would pain me... I would shave the beard. I mean Taylor Swift isn't just any woman.

 

[Susanna]

As much as it would pain me... I would shave the beard. I mean Taylor Swift isn't just any woman.

You are right...shes not just any woman...she's a woman dressed so scantily it is a miracle she still aint catched both old and new-monia...

 

[isobel]

As much as it would pain me... I would shave the beard. I mean Taylor Swift isn't just any woman.

taylor swift looks like a girl, not really a woman physically:/