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I've been thinking a lot about the effects of overprotective parenting this week. And I genuinely mean OVERprotective, as in, far beyond what is considered reasonable by any stretch of the imagination.
Two of my closest friends (ages 20 and 24) were raised by the most overprotective man I have ever known. The first red flag is that they aren't allowed to move out until some arbitrary future goals have been met (no one is sure what those are..). One might ask, "they're over 18, why don't they just leave?". I used to think the same thing, but now I think they actually can't move out... as in they are completely unprepared to live on their own, much like your average 12 year old would be. I mean, if you were constantly being told "the world is scary and tough. You can't handle it. Follow all my rules and I will be in charge of everything", would you know how or even want to venture out into the world?
In case you think I'm exaggerating about the overprotection...
-The daughter (23 y/o) has graduated with a bachelors degree in biology, and is preparing to enter medical school. She is not allowed to drive, unless it's very short distances, and only in "safe" areas like neighborhoods.
-They're not allowed to go anywhere without their parents unless it's a church meeting/bible study. When with the family, they sometimes go on hikes or roadtrips. On roadtrips, they are required to read scripture and sing hymns the entire way. (obviously reading the Word isn't a bad thing, but apparently their dad thinks that if they aren't kept busy with 'holy' activities like reading the bible, they will do 'unholy' things in the car. what?)
- When attending approved church meetings, they must be back home by 9 pm, even on weekends.
- They are required to hold jobs but aren't allowed to manage their money themselves. Dad must approve any purchases.
And the list goes on..
Anyway, the reason I've been thinking about this is because their parents are both out of the country for a couple weeks, so I've been amused at how much my friends are enjoying their new-found freedom. Last night after one of our life group meetings, they hung around until *gasp* 10 pm. I feel bad for them. Although I love them and enjoy knowing them, when it comes to basic life skills, they are severely stunted. There are just so many things they don't know how to do for themselves.. and I doubt they'll ever learn them while under dad's eye.
It just got me thinking about parenting and the line between protecting your kids (actual children, not young adults) and giving them the freedom to discover and grow and make mistakes.
Sorry for the long ramble. I'm tired. Goodnight.
Two of my closest friends (ages 20 and 24) were raised by the most overprotective man I have ever known. The first red flag is that they aren't allowed to move out until some arbitrary future goals have been met (no one is sure what those are..). One might ask, "they're over 18, why don't they just leave?". I used to think the same thing, but now I think they actually can't move out... as in they are completely unprepared to live on their own, much like your average 12 year old would be. I mean, if you were constantly being told "the world is scary and tough. You can't handle it. Follow all my rules and I will be in charge of everything", would you know how or even want to venture out into the world?
In case you think I'm exaggerating about the overprotection...
-The daughter (23 y/o) has graduated with a bachelors degree in biology, and is preparing to enter medical school. She is not allowed to drive, unless it's very short distances, and only in "safe" areas like neighborhoods.
-They're not allowed to go anywhere without their parents unless it's a church meeting/bible study. When with the family, they sometimes go on hikes or roadtrips. On roadtrips, they are required to read scripture and sing hymns the entire way. (obviously reading the Word isn't a bad thing, but apparently their dad thinks that if they aren't kept busy with 'holy' activities like reading the bible, they will do 'unholy' things in the car. what?)
- When attending approved church meetings, they must be back home by 9 pm, even on weekends.
- They are required to hold jobs but aren't allowed to manage their money themselves. Dad must approve any purchases.
And the list goes on..
Anyway, the reason I've been thinking about this is because their parents are both out of the country for a couple weeks, so I've been amused at how much my friends are enjoying their new-found freedom. Last night after one of our life group meetings, they hung around until *gasp* 10 pm. I feel bad for them. Although I love them and enjoy knowing them, when it comes to basic life skills, they are severely stunted. There are just so many things they don't know how to do for themselves.. and I doubt they'll ever learn them while under dad's eye.
It just got me thinking about parenting and the line between protecting your kids (actual children, not young adults) and giving them the freedom to discover and grow and make mistakes.
Sorry for the long ramble. I'm tired. Goodnight.
While some protection is not a bad thing overprotection really does not help a child. When my daughter was 8 years old I took her shopping to pick out how she wanted to decorate her bedroom as it needed to be repainted. The room went from the sunshine yellow color I had picked for her to start with years before to a turquoise blue that she picked herself and then I allowed her to pick out the bedspread and curtains she wanted which was a lavender/white Disney city scene with cats on it and her room was adorable and she at 8 learned to start making choices on her own... We have to teach our children to be able to live in this world as we parents won't be around forever.... I think they are doing a disservice to these two children which are now adults that I venture a guess are a little clueless about making their own choices.
That's the story in 40% of households with boys and 80% of households with girls, in India. Parents are so caring that they will even get you "married off". That means they will find our spouse and get you married to them. And even after your marriage they will have the last word in any decision you take. E.g. when to have kids, what car to buy, which city to live in, kids' schooling, etc.
Believe it or not, my mom knew of a family where the dad spanked his son even after the son had a kid of his own!
We take the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' proverb to the other extreme.
T
This is news!!! Er, not.
I hope that God does much more through you both than what He did through each of you individually.
I hope that God does much more through you both than what He did through each of you individually.
T
So, today's sermon was about forgiveness, and how it brings freedom. The pastor asked, "who do you need to forgive today?" I began thinking: I forgive my brother for peeing on the toilet seat, and I forgive my sister for eating the last piece of pizza that was actually meant for me (I know!). Its surprising how mad or angry we can get because of the small stuff.
C
Not only is this a huge disservice to the children (failure in parenting), but it is a disservice to the parents as well. How can they really have a life after kids if they force their kids to Stay kids?
I've an uncle who was married for the first (&only) time in his mid 40's to a woman in her mid 30's. Neither of them had ever lived outside of their parents home prior to the marriage. BASIC things, like making breakfast, shopping for groceries, getting themselves up in the morning, and doing laundry were challenges for them.
Having my kids do age appropriate chores around the house teaches them life skills that they will need in college and beyond (and sometimes the skills they need to survive a weekend at their mom's!). As a father, I feel that part of my job is to teach my kids to not need me, because I will likely not outlive them.
Sorta reminds me of going off to college and meeting the kids whose maid did their laundry and meeting the kids who were so utterly sheltered as homeschoolers that they were incapable of making it outside of that protective bubble and partied themselves right out of school and into a rehab in a year or less. {Note: not knocking homeschooling in general, just knocking overly sheltering your kids.}
I've an uncle who was married for the first (&only) time in his mid 40's to a woman in her mid 30's. Neither of them had ever lived outside of their parents home prior to the marriage. BASIC things, like making breakfast, shopping for groceries, getting themselves up in the morning, and doing laundry were challenges for them.
Having my kids do age appropriate chores around the house teaches them life skills that they will need in college and beyond (and sometimes the skills they need to survive a weekend at their mom's!). As a father, I feel that part of my job is to teach my kids to not need me, because I will likely not outlive them.
Sorta reminds me of going off to college and meeting the kids whose maid did their laundry and meeting the kids who were so utterly sheltered as homeschoolers that they were incapable of making it outside of that protective bubble and partied themselves right out of school and into a rehab in a year or less. {Note: not knocking homeschooling in general, just knocking overly sheltering your kids.}
That's the story in 40% of households with boys and 80% of households with girls, in India. Parents are so caring that they will even get you "married off". That means they will find our spouse and get you married to them. And even after your marriage they will have the last word in any decision you take. E.g. when to have kids, what car to buy, which city to live in, kids' schooling, etc.
Believe it or not, my mom knew of a family where the dad spanked his son even after the son had a kid of his own!
We take the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' proverb to the other extreme.
Believe it or not, my mom knew of a family where the dad spanked his son even after the son had a kid of his own!
We take the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' proverb to the other extreme.
What's even more peculiar is he extends his controlling nature beyond his family sometimes. He has personally told me that I should get another degree on top of my music degree, because music teachers don't make money and I should get a "real job". I just smiled and said "thanks for the advice". He's said the same thing to my fiance haha. One time my friends and I joined their family on one of their day trips out to a lake, and then when we got there, we weren't allowed to go kayaking on the lake, because the dad said the water was too cold and he said that was dangerous. In the spring, this same family was actually vacationing in Taiwan at the same time that my fiance and I were in the country, so we planned a day to pick up his adult children and take them to Taipei for some sightseeing with some of our friends. Their dad was so concerned that we were going to be in danger, despite the fact that all of us were in our 20's, almost everyone except me spoke fluent chinese, and we had 3 people with us who were very familiar with the city. He let us go on one condition.. that we take a 40 year old chaperone with us. The chaperone was a good sport, though, and realized how ridiculous the whole thing was. He drove us to Taipei, dropped us off at the mall, and said "you are adults. I will read my book at the tea shop. Call me when you're finished exploring and I'll pick you up".
I just... *cringe* I literally feel like a 5-year-old every time I'm with that man. Seriously. I feel like a little kid going on a field trip with a teacher and being bound by rules that are designed for kids who don't know how to stay safe in public situations. Imagine what it's like being raised in that environment! O_O
Control freak indeed, but I have often wondered why. I now think it's good-natured parental love that has been corrupted by fear.
"I'm afraid my child won't be safe, so I better not let her do that"
"I'm afraid my child won't have a good future unless she enters ______ career field. I'd better make sure that's the career path she chooses, whether she likes it or not. It's what's best for her."
"I'm afraid my child will spend her money irresponsibly, so I'd better hold on to all of it."
"I'm afraid my child won't make the right choice, so I'd better make all her choices for her"
Obviously I have no parenting experience of my own, but I think it's important to learn how to relinquish control of an adult child's life and simply entrust them to the Lord. I hope and pray that I can do that someday. I know that's probably a lot easier said than done, but the fact remains that a child's season of being under a parents practical care is a temporary one, while his/her season being in Christ's hands is an eternal one.