becoming worthy of that (so-called) dream spouse

gypsygirl · Jul 21, 2014

recently, i came across a thread called "who is your dream spouse". we as a community often focus our attentions on:

+who we're attracted to
+how to behave in dating scenarios and what is acceptable behavior
+what our ideal spouse/SO might be

but in some ways, i'm more interested in what we're doing to actually be ready for this "dream spouse" (whatever that label means).

what have you done, are doing, or plan to do to be a suitable partner for someone in the future?

i'm talking about spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual... whatever applies in your situation, from the insignificant, to the banal, or even the ambitious.

1. what have you done in the past to make yourself fit for a relationship?

2. what are you currently doing to be ready for that person you're seeking?

3. do you have plans for the future to become better suited for that spouse or significant other?

thanks to hoss2576 for the inspiration for this thread

BenFTW · Jul 21, 2014

I like this question as it has pertains to me as a 24 year old virgin. While others are quick to get into relationships, I am more inclined to be prepared for such a relationship by the grace of God. I know some have an issue with the whole "God has a person for everyone" doctrine and say its not biblical, and yet I once said to my sister "I don't believe in dating, I believe in destiny." While that is a position I hold, my father gave me some words of wisdom that are even more appropriate. I believe in God's providence. He provides, and He goes above all that we ask or imagine. So, the person I will be with, we will be perfectly and equally yoked by God's providence. That is my belief, and desire of my heart.

I've always thought, in preparation I should lose weight, get healthy and be prosperous(financially). All these things already promised by God and so it is a matter of time. This is not to say I should just sit, but should take some appropriate action in food choice (fruits and veggies, starches, etc). As far as success goes, I have the correct mindset towards money and I speak in faith, that I am prosperous and recently had a dream of someone ministering to me of being financially prosperous by my late twenties to early thirties. I have always confessed that I will be exceptionally prosperous, I still hold that confession. There is an infinite abundance, God speaks and it is, and therefore we do not need to compete for wealth but only create it. Or, receive it if indeed God gives the idea. All the better and always should be recognized, is that the glory is given to God. He is the giver of wealth.

Basically, in preparation, I need to have a personal revolution to revolutionize myself for the better. Not only for her, but for myself, for God, and for His plan for my life.

MissCris · Jul 21, 2014

Nothing. Not a thing. I'm all...dilapidated and ramshackle and unique...you know, crazy...I'm a fixer-upper

....just kidding, there is no solution to "me".

seoulsearch · Jul 21, 2014

what have you done, are doing, or plan to do to be a suitable partner for someone in the future?

Me? I am practicing my skills at toasting bread, selecting the proper lunch meat, cheese, and condiment/veggie combinations... and stacking them all together.

Because according to recent answers here in Singles, all I need to do to snag a dream husband is know how to properly make a sandwich.

gypsygirl · Jul 21, 2014

MissCris said:

i don't know how serious your answer really is (the last part, even), but in some ways, i wish i envy your ability to hold that view. i think so much of my way of thinking is that i'm never going to be "there" and will constantly need to work towards being "enough", not that i don't think i'm worthy or "enough" but that i can always strive to be better or more. and that feeling content in that is something i'm not entitled to feel.

maybe it's my pestering (albeit, dwindling) perfectionist tendencies?

i'm not sure if that makes sense. i do feel whole, and worthy, but never able to rest on "enough"???

seoulsearch said:

so i guess the moral of that story is, if i ever start online dating, should i list my sandwich-making prowess on my dating profile??? servantstrike (where is he, anyway???) already told me i should make sure that i mention that i share food from my plate. ; p

1still_waters · Jul 21, 2014

The things we sow today are reaped in the future.

These can fall under all three questions to some extent.

I'm really trying to become more merciful, compassionate, able to love truth without being annoyingly rigid/judgemental.
Maintaining passion/interest in something(s). Usually through reading/learning.

seoulsearch · Jul 21, 2014

i do feel whole, and worthy, but never able to rest on "enough"???

Gypsy, I totally hear you about about never feeling like I'm at the point of having "enough" improvement. I always feel like a hamster inside a wheel, running my legs (and tail) off to get "there", but never knowing where "there" really is.

God has been dealing with me about things I don't want to do, and as a result, I try to put one thing I absolutely don't want to do on my "To Do List" each week. Now, I'm not saying I actually DO all the things I don't want to do... but I'm trying. It's usually a project I've been putting off and absolutely do not want to do.

As Americans especially, we are used to having everything given to us in a shiny, colorful, user-friendly and highly entertaining or palatable package. If it's not fun, amusing, or yummy, we don't want anything to do with it. Even adult vitamins come in huge varieties of fun colors and flavors... EVERYTHING is given to us in a more appealing way. And if it's not appealing, we want nothing to do with it. I see articles entitled "Do Only What You Love" and we can see what that's doing to our society.

We all work with people every day who only do what they "want" and "feel" like doing--how well is that working for any of us? God forbid that they should do any kind of work they feel is "below" them or that they don't "want" to do (within reason, of course.) I worked at a store once where a man in his 50's thought he was too good to clean the bathroom. The only other employee there was pregnant... but he didn't care and had no consideration for her health at all. I went and got the gloves, bottles, mop... and just got it done. But I was thoroughly disgusted by this older man (who was later fired anyway because he thought EVERYTHING was too meager of a job for him to do.)

This is probably why Christianity isn't very popular in many ways--God doesn't care about marketing, packaging, taste, or whether we think something is "user-friendly" enough--what He says goes, no matter what the sacrifice.

I believe there is a special blessing in learning to do what you don't want to do. After all, Jesus did NOT want to die... but because He was willing to, here we all are.

If anyone expects to marry, they're going to have to do a lot of things they don't want to do--visit in-laws, buy gifts for people they'd rather not see, go places they'd rather not go, spend money on things they might not believe in but it's important to their spouse, be quiet when all they want to do is lash out, sacrifice when all they want to do is think of themselves.

I am very much a work in progress who needs a lot of work

, and I personally don't think anyone is ready to get married if they haven't dealt with choosing to do a lot of things they don't want to do.

MissCris · Jul 21, 2014

gypsygirl said:

Honestly, I don't know how serious my answer was, either.

I feel like the "me" of Right Now is/isn't good enough for anyone.

I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't love me as I am, but I never want anyone to have to settle for me...as I am.

I'm with you on the feeling like I could always improve.

So, my serious answer...

I know my biggest flaws, and I'm learning my strengths. I think there are people who would say the things I see as flaws aren't flaws at all, and things I see as strengths could be weaknesses in the eyes of others. It feels like a no-win situation, so...I'm trying to grow as God leads. If I am enough for Him, then that's enough for me, and if nobody else ever sees me as enough...that's fine.

zeroturbulence · Jul 21, 2014

I got these really cool his & hers keyholders. I am sooo ready!!

gypsygirl · Jul 21, 2014

MissCris said:

seoulsearch said:

thanks to both for the feedback.

i'm sort of recognizing (even as i type this) that i seem to hold a justification/rationalization that seems to be very important to my world view that, as long as i don't feel like i'm "done" then it's ok that i'm not married. because i'm "not ready" or maybe even deserving of such.

like, i'm not ready to be married (because of x, y, and z) so it's a good thing i'm not.

as if, i can keep the list growing, then i can justify to myself that being single is really to my benefit (and maybe his too!), as opposed to allowing myself to be disappointed or sorry for that fact.

sort of like my built in, or protective, silver-lining.

hahaahaaaaa. fascinating how these rationalizations work for us, and how very vital they can become to hold our (oft negative) perceptions solidly in place. : )

Fenner · Jul 21, 2014

zeroturbulence said:

Oh man I envy the woman who gets to use that key holder.

INTJer · Jul 21, 2014

I think we have to be careful about making a dangerous mixture of perfectionism and romanticism - The idea that God has a perfect match for me and if only I perfect myself, God will reward me. This is not to say we shouldn't work on our flaws. I would like to address a related issue - knowing God's will. In the context of relationships/marriage, this is often spun as the idea that God has a perfect will for my life - I just need to do the right things, say the right prayer, be spiritual enough, and then God will reveal his perfect will for me, including the person I should marry. Is this idea scriptural? What if we think we have missed God's perfect will - are we stuck with God's second best? How might this idea work in the context of marriage? There is an interesting interview that begins a few minutes into this podcast:

Wednesday, August 3, 2011 | Issues, Etc.

zaoman32 · Jul 21, 2014

In the past? Nothing, I'm a selfish Narcissist who uses people rather than helps them (or so I've been told)

ANYWAY, honestly though, in the past I have done really nothing outside of seeking that one girl with redhair and freckles that I could keep safe from the homies who wear their pants too low.

Recently I became enamored with a girl I met, who I still like, but spending a lot of time in prayer at a worship service I went to, God helped me realize, it's NOT about me and her, or me and whoever. It's about Him and us. Which would be more important, two broken people starting a relationship, and having God on the sideline, or two people so enamored with God that that is the very essence of their relationship.

So, I pray daily for God to be my primary lover, and I pray for whoever it is I have a relationship with in the future, that they come into an intimate relationship with God themselves. If I end up being single through it all, it wouldn't be preferred, but so be it.

lav · Jul 21, 2014

to answer simply, nothing.

nothing, don't even wanna think about it. feels like my foundation is still being laid and i don't want to risk being tempted to shape it unnaturally to fit someone else's idea of who i should be.

i haven't read all the answers yet, but at this point i don't wanna do a darn thing. it's more about figuring out who i am in God's kingdom and how best to live and serve in this capacity.

i am exhausted trying to fit into any certain mold or shape that i wasn't meant to hold.

i am tired of trying ! ! !

i think it should come naturally and easily... and i'm still working on becoming comfortable enough with myself and learning who that really is, before i could come close to even considering the possibility of relationship.

i have so much work to do, but i don't want it to be ' for a him. ' i want it to be for God and for me, and the ones i'm meant to serve in this life... including my family and important friendships.

once i'm strong in those areas and my foundation is stable, i won't be so affected by every little breeze that comes my way... if you know what i'm saying. that way i'll be able to weather the storms of life and be self-sufficient ( actually that is more likely to mean being well practiced in relying on God and knowing how to follow his lead ) enough not to be in such a vulnerable position, if the opportunity comes around, to share life with a reliable mate.

i'll also be much more likely to recognize and attract a compatible, healthy and reliable partner when these things/steps have been accomplished.

i think i need to be able to be self-supportive and strong and confident in myself, especially who God intends me to be, before i can even begin to think about loving a man in that way.

i have a long way to go...
there's so much to work on, i don't even think i can begin to start a list at this point. right now it's just baby steps, one foot in front of the other.
and i don't want that list to be affected by a potential partner... i want to be able to exhale and find out where i belong and who i am first, and i've just begun to do this.

( sorry if i'm being redundant. )

an example of how far i have to go, is that i have just started to drop one addiction at a time... starting about a year ago. i've also been clearing every aspect of my being out, gradually... with Christ.

the list of mindsets, behaviours, attitudes... whatever/etc. seems endless at this point.

christian74 · Jul 21, 2014

Excellent, excellent thread.

I remember hearing a sermon on this exact topic a few years ago.
What the guest speaker was preaching was becoming the right person instead of waiting to meet that right person. One of the examples he used was Mary Lou Retton, a gold-metalist in 1984 Los Angeles Olympic. The thing was that she wasn't even on the roster but she had been practicing as if she was participating. Then one of the members got injured (or became unable to participate) and the rest is, as you know, history. The point of story was that meeting the right person could only happen when you prepare yourself, becoming someone worthy of meeting that right person because there's a big difference between saying 'I do' and being actually able to do 'I do.' It's like signing up for a marathon and actually being able to run the whole distance is two different thing.

Also there's a sermon series I strongly recommend by Andy Stanley, "The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating." God really put me on a training mode to become the right person so I can become that person that the person I'm looking for is looking for by telling me to honor my parents, the Fifth Commandment. I thought I'd been honoring my parents, compare to the world standard, and this attempt to honor my parents really revealed lot of issues in my life. What I realized is that if I can't honor my mother in every imaginable situation, including in a situation where I don't feel like honoring her, then I won't be able to honor my future wife, period. There's reason why it's a command - Honor Your Father and Your Mother - implying that it's not gonna be easy to honor them all the time (and also, I understand and acknowledge where honoring parents requires MUCH MORE from you because of special circumstances - although my parents are not in good terms I am grateful that they decided to stay in marriage for us). However, when you observe God's command by honoring them to the best of your ability, then there's a great reward, a long life, and I believe, from my own experience, another reward is becoming aware of my own issues and being able to see them. I strongly believe the part of reasons that God wants us to honor our parents is so we can see our own issues that only become visible when we struggle and wrestle to honor our parents, especially in the ages where broken homes and families are almost like norms.

Anyways, it's still a on-going process for me but I've gotten a lot better in honoring them where I can see the differences in the way I treat and honor my parents.

One more thing - I think we should consider the fact how the Fifth Commandment - Honor Your Father and Your Mother - was in the same tablet that also includes the first four commandments (You shall have no other gods, You shall make no idols, You shall not use the LORD's Name in vain, You shall keep the Sabbath holy), possibly implying that God wants us to treat and honor our parents in the same way that we honor God. Again, excellent thread.

tourist · Jul 21, 2014

seoulsearch said:

i do feel whole, and worthy, but never able to rest on "enough"???

Gypsy, I totally hear you about about never feeling like I'm at the point of having "enough" improvement. I always feel like a hamster inside a wheel, running my legs (and tail) off to get "there", but never knowing where "there" really is.

God has been dealing with me about things I don't want to do, and as a result, I try to put one thing I absolutely don't want to do on my "To Do List" each week. Now, I'm not saying I actually DO all the things I don't want to do... but I'm trying. It's usually a project I've been putting off and absolutely do not want to do.

As Americans especially, we are used to having everything given to us in a shiny, colorful, user-friendly and highly entertaining or palatable package. If it's not fun, amusing, or yummy, we don't want anything to do with it. Even adult vitamins come in huge varieties of fun colors and flavors... EVERYTHING is given to us in a more appealing way. And if it's not appealing, we want nothing to do with it. I see articles entitled "Do Only What You Love" and we can see what that's doing to our society.

We all work with people every day who only do what they "want" and "feel" like doing--how well is that working for any of us? God forbid that they should do any kind of work they feel is "below" them or that they don't "want" to do (within reason, of course.) I worked at a store once where a man in his 50's thought he was too good to clean the bathroom. The only other employee there was pregnant... but he didn't care and had no consideration for her health at all. I went and got the gloves, bottles, mop... and just got it done. But I was thoroughly disgusted by this older man (who was later fired anyway because he thought EVERYTHING was too meager of a job for him to do.)

This is probably why Christianity isn't very popular in many ways--God doesn't care about marketing, packaging, taste, or whether we think something is "user-friendly" enough--what He says goes, no matter what the sacrifice.

I believe there is a special blessing in learning to do what you don't want to do. After all, Jesus did NOT want to die... but because He was willing to, here we all are.

If anyone expects to marry, they're going to have to do a lot of things they don't want to do--visit in-laws, buy gifts for people they'd rather not see, go places they'd rather not go, spend money on things they might not believe in but it's important to their spouse, be quiet when all they want to do is lash out, sacrifice when all they want to do is think of themselves.

I am very much a work in progress who needs a lot of work

, and I personally don't think anyone is ready to get married if they haven't dealt with choosing to do a lot of things they don't want to do.

I am very much a work in progress also. Marriage is a lot of work but it can be very satisfying work if the work is done together in a loving, compassionate and understanding way. I enjoyed the part of your post about packaging. Sometimes it pays to actually read the directions and to compare the label to other similar package items. The understanding of 'truth in labeling' comes only from experience. Learning to do what you do not want to do is quite profound and I will be giving this extra consideration. The part about never knowing where 'there' is was very amusing. It is also true that I can relate to this statement. The 'to do' list...?

Fenner · Jul 21, 2014

zaoman32 said:

In the past? Nothing, I'm a selfish Narcissist who uses people rather than helps them (or so I've been told)

ANYWAY, honestly though, in the past I have done really nothing outside of seeking that one girl with redhair and freckles that I could keep safe from the homies who wear their pants too low.

Recently I became enamored with a girl I met, who I still like, but spending a lot of time in prayer at a worship service I went to, God helped me realize, it's NOT about me and her, or me and whoever. It's about Him and us. Which would be more important, two broken people starting a relationship, and having God on the sideline, or two people so enamored with God that that is the very essence of their relationship.

So, I pray daily for God to be my primary lover, and I pray for whoever it is I have a relationship with in the future, that they come into an intimate relationship with God themselves. If I end up being single through it all, it wouldn't be preferred, but so be it.

I thought enamored said engaged, proves I really do need reading glasses.

PopClick · Jul 21, 2014

I'm not doing anything to "get ready" for someone else. If there's something in me that ought to be changed, I want to change it. Period, end of story. Even if it doesn't bother a single other person on Earth. I want to grow and become a better person, not for anyone else, but for God, because I should, because He wants me to.

But I also don't think I ever want to get married, so that probably skews my point of view a little bit.

BananaPie · Jul 21, 2014

seoulsearch said:

...uh... ...you mean a Sammich?

Tintin · Jul 21, 2014

Dive deep into God's Word. See what the Bible says about the nature of godly love.
Meditate on God's definition of love and keep it at the forefront of your mind.
Pray regularly for yourself and your future wife/husband.
Pray for patience.
Die to yourself and rise to new life in Christ, daily.
Learn the art of clear communication and to forgive regularly and quickly.
Build your godly character.
Show love through action.
Observe and talk to trustworthy Christian family, friends etc. about what a relationship entails, what godly marriage looks like.
Do Bible studies about godly relationships and Christian identity, watch DVDs, read good books about such things.
Always be open to correction, to learn, to love.
When you're ready to be engaged, make sure you have premarriage counseling.
And in all of this, walk with the One who made you and loves you and knows you better than you know yourself.

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