The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

President lanolin was getting tired of Empress Rubys prank calls. She was always getting into trouble. Besides. hadnt she heard of messaging or email?
When President Lanolin first got the job, she thought she would be running the country, not running round everyone else's countries!

Miss Greenlips Hine had sent her some correspondence to catch up on while she was away. It was about yet another troubled nation, East Korea, who's leader, Geoff, had turned everyone into zombies under his dictatorship. He sounded eerily similar to another dictator that had been exiled into a frozen wasteland near Japovia.

Lord, give me strength! muttered President Lanolin. She was sure He could hear her mutterings as prayers. I know Lanolinland is the Promised Land, but what do I do about all the others? Everyone wants to live here to escape their troubles. He who must not be named wants to marry and impregnate all the leaders like some crazed Moonie, and the Empress of Jennymaesia is trying to stage a real life King Kong! Without consulting Peter Jackson. And the leader of Shittimstan, keeps embarassing everyone by farting all the time. I know, He calls himself the grand Pooh-Bah!

 

[jennymae]

The former Empress, currently the maiden of the highest tower, had a tremendous oversight of what was going on down on the ground. Suddenly she could clearly see what the entire ordeal between her country and her opponents was all about. Her great homeland, and Sittimistan, was situated in the extreme west, Rubyland and Lanolinland in the extreme east. Finally, Mosestaria was situated in the extreme south.

She realized that a coalition with Shittimistan would make her day. The amnesia ridden Empress of Rubyland had displayed some aggression towards her beloved country and the queen of Lanolinland’s loyalty was much in question. The Mosestarians was of course the enemy around the clock.

She called Hairy and together they plotted against the other countries. Ms Ella misspelled Mae was her marionette.

The next morning the two countries air forces and naval forces went to action. It was time to put boots on the ground.

Within three days they had taken over their adversaries with the exception of Mosestaria. The evil chieftain refused to surrender and mumbled something about a speech Winston Churchill had given a long time ago. So be it. Hairy had never heard of WC.

 

[shittim]

Hairy thinks he is ready for action, although stealth is not his strong suit

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin got a message from the Empress of Jennymaesia saying her cruise ship and airline wanted to bring in tourists to Lanolinland.

hmm ok said President Lanolin but give us at least 3 days notice so we can set up hospitality for you.
She knew how fussy and demanding Jennymaesians could be if they didnt have their spa bookings and welcome dinners. Also every bedroom had to have full length mirrors and non-flourescent lighting as well as fresh flowers. And the bedlinens had to match the curtains.

It was a lot of trouble to go to, but if she didnt accomodate the Jennymaesians vacation plans, they might start poaching her guinea pigs or saying bad things about Lanolinland on social media. She remembered one time a Jennymaesian tourist left a 1 star review about their visit to Rotovegas (before Lanolinland was Lanolinland) saying it smelled like rotten eggs and the hospitality sector did not recover for an entire year after that comment was made.

 

[jennymae]

Well, Ms President Lanolin, Jennymaesians don’t go lightly about any suggestions that the people of the wonderful and very great country of Jennymaesia needs special treatment. Long as we get a makeup artist, a few mirrors and some Champagne we really don’t demand much. Oh, and also full sets of outfits for any situation.

 

[Lanolin]

Are the Jennymaesians bringing their own champagne, makeup artists, mirrors and outfits? asked Miss Greenlips Hine. She was now Minister of Hospitality

Er I dont know, said President Lanolin absent mindedly. She was sorting out her Lanovision broadcast schedule. Can I leave it with you?

Sounds like a French circus to me.

Oh Jennymaesians love Moulin Rouge. I think thats where the Rubylanders are getting it all from.

Uh ok I will book them in for WOW. They have outfits for any occasion.

Miss Greenlips Hine thought the lobster outfit looked quite tasty.

 

[Ruby123]

In an attempt to regain her memory E Ruby handed over the reigns of her country equally to both E jenny Mae and E Lanolin.
I need a break she said rubbing her very sore head.
She walked into her favourite coffee store and thought about what she was going to do.
Several suggestions came to mind. As she was deep in thought, a man approached her and asked if he could join her. He sat down and they talked. Seems that he came from a country way north of Rubyland called Somatia. She had heard of it but had not met anyone from there until then. His name was Tommy Hulk and he was very handsome indeed with piercing blue/green eyes.
He was making his way around the world and asked if she would like to accompany him. Next stop Lanolinland.
She thought about it for a minute and replied "Why not, I could do with a holiday"
She went home to check whether her passport was up to date and started packing.

 

[Moses_Young]

The Mosestarian Chieftain was consulting with his advisors, back at the Mosestarian Antarctic Headquarters.

"This plan isn't seeming to work," remarked the Mosestarian leader matter-of-factly.

"I just can't understand what is wrong with those E-leaders," agreed the beautiful Tzipora in exasperation. "Are these real women or not? I do seek your forgiveness for mentioning it sir, but.. I fell in love just through reading about you in the newspapers, before I'd even laid eyes on you..."

"That quite alright, Tzipora," reassured the kindly Chieftain. "You are afterall, only human."

"And I watched the Mel Gibson documentary on 'What Women Want'", suggested Mordecai helpfully. "We're doing everything correctly. It seems these E-leaders are all faulty... or... Perhaps they're not real women?" he added conspiratorially, thinking over E-Lanolin's escapades with the gender-confused actor named Barry.

"No, no, no," smiled the Great Chieftain magnamaniously. "As bizarre as it sounds, perhaps I - and by science, therefore - my clones - am and are just not these E-leaders type and types?"

Mordecai stifled an angry protest, and Tzipora had to go to the sink to save herself from choking on her coffee.

"You?" she exclaimed hoarsely after recovering from a coffee-induced coughing fit, which was brought about by her incredulous laughter at the same time as her attempting to drink. "Not their type? Impossible!" she exclaimed loyally. "Why, my own mother, insane though she is, has confided in me that she wishes you were but 20 or 30 years older, and she swore she'd never remarry after my father passed away..." the beautiful Japovian warrioress continued, but the Great Leader interrupted her so as not to delve on the sad tale.

"See there?" he asked, and as he did, the International-Spy-Vision screen showed a rather handsome, muscular man with piercing blue/green eyes.

"Pathetic!" exclaimed Mordecai jealously. "I bet you have more brains in your little toe than he has in his whole body..."

"And his eyes!" Tzipora interjected. "Why, when compared, you and he are like eagle and turkey..."

The Chieftain pressed a button on his remote control, and the International-Spy-Vision switched to a recovering amnesiac, excitedly packing her suitcases for Lanolinland.

"Whatever the reason, it seems that he is the bait that will catch us this fish," he smiled confidentally.

"Oh - and we should try to cut back on plans to conquer a foreign nation by impregnating its leader and putting her son on the throne. The Lanolinland propaganda machine is comparing us to The Moonies. Now, I'm not old enough to know what it was, either, but I'll spare you the sordid details - suffice it to say, we don't want any association between those cultists and our Great Fatherland Mosestaria the Brave!"

 

[Ruby123]

Mrs Hairy was walking the gardens eating her bananas when her phone rang. She picked it up and oddly she heard every word the wicked leader was saying to his beautiful mistress and faithful cousin. She informed Hairy immediately. Luckily she managed to record the whole ordeal.
"He's at it again" Hairy commented. "We need to inform our leader Shittim who will then inform E Lanolin as she rules the country bordering him. We must put word out. This sounds bad, possibly world war 3"
They put the call through. E Lanolin informed E Jenny Mae. It was no use informing E Ruby she wouldn't know what they were all talking about, plus they were now in charge of her country for a time.
E Jenny had to put her plans on hold, visiting Lanolinland at this time was too dangerous. She wasn't happy, she was looking forward to the pampering she booked in Lanolinland.
The wicked leader was devising his plan, his beautiful accomplice writing down all the details. What they did not know was that their plans were being recorded on Mrs Hairy's phone. They were of no secret at all.

 

[Lanolin]

The Baroness Edna entered the ice hotel

The great Chieftain Moses also entered

Their eyes met



the rest is history....

 

[Lanolin]

History records this unfortunate exchange...

"I thought you were a real woman! You're only a cartoon! Your skin is yellow and your hair is brown! '

'I thought you were a man! You are only a boy!'

'Its not my fault I like blue milkshakes"

"This is my natural skin and hair colour! The lighting in this hotel is terrible"

The Baroness and Chieftain had a very unhappy date and laid off plans for world domination. They decided to complain to hotel management instead and also sue eHarmoney.

 

[jennymae]

The Mosestarian Chieftain was consulting with his advisors, back at the Mosestarian Antarctic Headquarters.

"This plan isn't seeming to work," remarked the Mosestarian leader matter-of-factly.

"I just can't understand what is wrong with those E-leaders," agreed the beautiful Tzipora in exasperation. "Are these real women or not? I do seek your forgiveness for mentioning it sir, but.. I fell in love just through reading about you in the newspapers, before I'd even laid eyes on you..."

"That quite alright, Tzipora," reassured the kindly Chieftain. "You are afterall, only human."

"And I watched the Mel Gibson documentary on 'What Women Want'", suggested Mordecai helpfully. "We're doing everything correctly. It seems these E-leaders are all faulty... or... Perhaps they're not real women?" he added conspiratorially, thinking over E-Lanolin's escapades with the gender-confused actor named Barry.

"No, no, no," smiled the Great Chieftain magnamaniously. "As bizarre as it sounds, perhaps I - and by science, therefore - my clones - am and are just not these E-leaders type and types?"

Mordecai stifled an angry protest, and Tzipora had to go to the sink to save herself from choking on her coffee.

"You?" she exclaimed hoarsely after recovering from a coffee-induced coughing fit, which was brought about by her incredulous laughter at the same time as her attempting to drink. "Not their type? Impossible!" she exclaimed loyally. "Why, my own mother, insane though she is, has confided in me that she wishes you were but 20 or 30 years older, and she swore she'd never remarry after my father passed away..." the beautiful Japovian warrioress continued, but the Great Leader interrupted her so as not to delve on the sad tale.

"See there?" he asked, and as he did, the International-Spy-Vision screen showed a rather handsome, muscular man with piercing blue/green eyes.

"Pathetic!" exclaimed Mordecai jealously. "I bet you have more brains in your little toe than he has in his whole body..."

"And his eyes!" Tzipora interjected. "Why, when compared, you and he are like eagle and turkey..."

The Chieftain pressed a button on his remote control, and the International-Spy-Vision switched to a recovering amnesiac, excitedly packing her suitcases for Lanolinland.

"Whatever the reason, it seems that he is the bait that will catch us this fish," he smiled confidentally.

"Oh - and we should try to cut back on plans to conquer a foreign nation by impregnating its leader and putting her son on the throne. The Lanolinland propaganda machine is comparing us to The Moonies. Now, I'm not old enough to know what it was, either, but I'll spare you the sordid details - suffice it to say, we don't want any association between those cultists and our Great Fatherland Mosestaria the Brave!"

“How dare she? That…that…woman! What’s her name again? Tziopora? I’ll make her a genuin DIASpora in the sunken kingdom of Japovia if she doesn’t back off from spreading her propaganda all across Jennymaesia!” The Empress was furiously reading the Mosestarian propaganda pamphlet where some dumb little girl had gone out of her ways to belittle the glorious and gracious Empress. “I’ll break her like a bug!” The Empress said coldly to her servant. “Very well, Mylady, I’ll personally see to it,” the servant said.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine placed a filter on President Lanolins email and phone so that all prank calls and chain emails coming from Rubyland would be diverted to her spam.

What about instagrams from Shittimstan? Im always getting those, mostly selfies of Hairy

I can block those too if you like

No its ok, sometimes they are good for comic relief.

Hows the Jennymaesian wardrobe coming along?

Miss Greenlips Hine frowned. The Empress wants a bug outfit, but, I dont know if weve got any.

Why does she want that?

Oh something to do with this feud the Empress has with the fashionistas of Japovia

well I dont know, but last time Mrs Hairy won in the avante garde section with this outfit, so maybe she wants something more scary?

 

[Ruby123]

E Ruby sent an email to the wicked one.
Dear wicked one,

Please get some control over your mistress "Tizzy" We three Empress's are putting a target on her back and she doesn't want to get us angry. Empress Jenny Mae turned her last alligator into a handbag, shoes and purse when not doing as she instructed. E Lanolin turned two of her military guinea pigs into book ends when they disobeyed her and well you dont want to know what happens when someone does not follow my orders.

E Ruby was not happy but she soon realised that the anger she felt bought her memory back. "Who would think" she said happily.

She walked out into the grounds to visit her pet great white shark "Leo" in the lake. She called him and saw his fin pop up out of the water and he glided towards her. She affectionately tickled his chin and he grinned showing his very pointy teeth.

"Leo, how would you like a Japovian for dinner this Friday night" she asked him "And perhaps an older mother for dessert"

 

[Moses_Young]

"Sir, a letter arrived in the mail," Mordecai announced excitedly. "I think the E-leaders are threating to murder Miss Tzipora!"

"See!" exclaimed Tzipora excitedly to the Chieftain. "I told you it was impossible you are not their type. I bet they are being driven insane with jealousy, because - although we are just friends - they see me as a potential rival. That's why they want to kill me so badly..."

"Bring me the letter", commanded the Chieftain. "Dear wicked one?" he asked skeptically with a sigh, before he had even opened the envelope. "Do you both believe your leader to be the wicked one?"

"Well, obviously", Mordecai objected, "the E-leaders are the wicked ones. Who else would threaten a Japovian's mother, just because she was quite understandably in love with such a handsome, wise, brave Chieftain like yourself? But to actual wicked ones, it is often those who are good ones - such as our Great Chieftain - who are seen as wicked."

"Well, I thought it meant 'wicked one' in the sense of being the opposite of 'wicked' - like really good, or cool, or even groovy, as E-Lanolin would probably say, as she appears to have been born in that era", explained Tzipora.

"Please get some control over your mistress 'Tizzy'?..." asked the Chieftain. "Are you sure this isn't a letter from one of those Moonies we learned about last episode?"

Tzipora and Mordecai nodded grudgingly. The Chieftain had readily demonstrated that the letter had indeed been addressed to somebody else.

"This is just a wrongly addressed letter," Moses the Younger concluded. "Re-direct it to Santa, at the North pole. He's probably the wicked one they're referring to, having hijacked Christmas, dressing up all in red like some devil and routinely entering homes without permission. Although, I must say, I didn't know his mistress's name was 'Tizzy'. And she's Japovian, also. One of your people", the Chieftain nodded at Tzipora, as Mordecai headed out with the letter into the icy wasteland, to return it to the local post office for redirection.

 

[Ruby123]

E Ruby was not impressed.
"For goodness sake, this postal system is incredibly bad. They have returned my letter and someone has changed wicked one to Santa Claus" mumbled E Ruby.
"Who is he"? asked E Ruby to her staff.
"Maybe Moses's real name" suggested one staff member.
"Give me that letter" E Ruby mumbled "and let the driver know I want to deliver this letter personally to Santa Claus otherwise known as Moses/wicked one"
"It's time to get this sorted"

 

[Moses_Young]

But before E-Ruby could say another word, her eyes were drawn to a handsome figure walking toward the office entrance.
"Its Tommy Hulk!", she thought to herself.
"G'day E-Ruby", exclaimed Tommy in an accent unfamiliar in Rubyland, as he walked into the office.
E-Ruby could almost feel his piercing blue/green eyes as they scanned over her body.
"Uh oh..." she thought, as the scan stopped at the letter in her hand, addressed to Santa Claus... She turned the letter face down hurriedly.
"What you got there, E-Ruby?" Tommy asked half-smiling, half-teasing, at E-Ruby's attempts to conceal the letter.

 

[Ruby123]

With her memory regain E Ruby had totally forgotten about the hulk and the arrangements she had made with him.
She did not know how to answer his question. She didn't even know whether she understood what he had asked. He spoke with a foreign type accent as he came from a country she could not quite remember.
"Hello Mr Hulk" she said most embarassed. I am just sorting out some returned mail addressed to a Mr Santa Claus. Do you know who this man is," she asked the handsome man.
"Oh that is Moses the Young's formal name" answered Hulk. "He doesn't go by that name anymore" he replied.

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin peered at the shark outfit.
Naw thats something Empress Ruby might wear
I think Empress Jennymae might want something more understated


Well how about this outfit? We got a load of vintage Shittimstan designer originals they were practically giving away that have only been worn once. And look they come with matching man outfits too!

 

[jennymae]

Never will a Jennymaesian Empress be seen wearing yellow. That’s for little girls knee high to a June bug. Besides, that girl wearing that dress is the one who’s now running my fashion show in London. I can tell by this that the business is dwindling downhills.