The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Miss Goodbooks noted that President Lanolin no longer came to the library anymore.
Ever since she had joined Reese Witherspoons Lucky Book Club, she had given up browsing and now was hanging round a different crowd of what Miss Goodbooks called Southern snobs.

They drank whisky out of teacups, blessed each others dear hearts, and claimed erroneously that they couldnt afford a four door Ford.

Liane Moriarity had joined as well and was pushing her book 'Big Little Lies' but Reese had refused to put her on the list. Im female I should be included, plus I did star you in the HBO series.

There was a stoush about that, but Reese just wanted to keep it local and said Australia wasnt part of the South.

What about Lanolinland published authors and Snow white and the Seven Guinea Pigs? Asked President Lanolin. But Reese said the books had to be at least 300 pages to make her list.

President Lanolin considered contacting Mrs Hairy about writing a sequel to her first book that was at least 270 pages. Or defecting to Oprah's book club, where the criteria wasnt so rigid.

 

[jennymae]

“Oh, that sweet little N’awlins girl”, Ms Jenny said out loud to herself. “The Lucky Book Club?” She read the invitation to join for the second time. Why would they invite her to join a book club? The chores of being Empress didn’t allow such time consuming activities, and the books they read were too complicated. Besides, there was too many pages to read and there was no pictures either.

It had to be a mistake. Ms Reese had probably mixed her up with somebody else. The whisky part…Ms Jenny halted herself abruptly…whisky? What Southern belle would deliberately drink whisky? It had to be a misprint. Of course Ms Reese had meant to say whiskey, not whisky, she assured herself.

Ms Jenny put the invitation in her purse and decided to find out whether she was able to read a book with more than 300 pages.

 

[Lanolin]

Liane decided to set her next book in Dixieland and did a deal with her publisher to change all the locations and characters from Australia to the South in her backlist of books.

She was determined to make Reeses List after being knocked off by Delia Owens book Where The Crawdads Sing.

President Lanolin asked Reese if she'd ever seen the movie Crocodile Dundee and would her producers make an Alligator version if she starred in it with a suitable leading man. One she had in mind was He who must not be named.

That would keep him out of trouble, she thought.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny could not fathom Ms Delia’s desire for decapods. It was like reading “Animal Farm” on steroids. Just too many legs to get the story going. Besides, Ms Delia was from lookin’ down your nose Georgia. The South was not one place in general. It was the Heart of Dixie, and then the other places. Georgia was among those other places. Ms Jenny huffed at the thought of changing locations and characters to a place generally named “The South” without taking into consideration the local, cultural differences. How Hollywood like. Stereotyping like there’s no tomorrow.

She fetched her hillbilly computer, an early twentieth century typewriter, and layed down the law.

 

[Lanolin]

The Lucky book club was in session. There were half a dozen members all meeting with their books over cups of tea in Ms Withersoons ample balcony which looked out onto the rolling fields of the Dixie . Ms Witherspoon sat down on her mongrammed loveseat in her teadress and crossed her legs. She poured President Lanolin a cup from her bone china teaset. It smelled suspiciously alcoholic.

Would He who must not be named pass the screen test?

What screen test?

The screen test was like an MRI which counted the number of abs on a bare mans chest.

I'm sure he'll pass, said President Lanolin, even though she'd never really laid eyes on He who just not be named unclothed before.

While Ms Witherspoon wasnt looking, she poured the contents of the tea cup into a neighbouring potted palm.

Now if you must excuse me I've simply got to finish reading Gone with the Wind.

Ah yes said Ms Witherspoon. Hurricane Katrina devastated the South. But my home is still standing as you can see.

Ms Witherspoons white columned mansion looked picture perfect and there were even lighting directors off to the side setting up more photoshoots, because she had to have photos of her book club members relaxing and looking literary under the magnolias. Smile Reese! you're lookin' beautiful doll. called the camera guy.

Ms Witherspoon flashed her biggest, whitest smile and did a big hair toss for good measure.

You take care Ms Lanolin.

as soon as President Lanolin got home to her bookmobile she got onto Oprah's website for her book club. she downloaded a ticket up to Chicago for some book giveaways.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Dolly was not relishing that Ms Witherspoon was encroaching on her territory. Shes now claimin' she's from the south and started up a book club, copyin'mah Imagination Library...she done impersonated June Carter, trying to cash in on ol' Mr Johnny, next thing you know, she'll open up a Reeses pieces theme park right next to mah Dollywood! Ahm the original smart blonde!

Miss Dolly was at the new Blackboard nail sailon and having a whinge and moan fest to Miss Bluebell. Miss Bluebell set Miss Dollys nails in iridescent green gel.

Miss Tailfeather had opened up a hair salon right next door and was also doing a sideline in hair dressing incorporating turkey feathers. She had added cornrows and dreadlocks to her repetoire, as well as mohawks and tie dye.

Megs Pegs, Legs and Wigs had lent her some more tiaras for the beauty home coming queen pageants. The Sussexes had been kicked out of Great Barrier Island and were no longer in Lanolinland, after a swarm of paparazzi drone birds descended upon the island disturbing the peace. They were now rumoured to be based in a secret locale somewhere in Santa land.

Miss Bluebell let Miss Dolly rip. Then she said you know what Miss Dolly? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. After she done copied you doin the 9 to 5 thang in Legally Blonde, she hit the jackpot. Like Ms Houston did with your song I will always love you. You just gotta give her a million dollars and a big smile.

If they choose to spend it all on drugs lak whiskey and cocaine, that aint none of yo' business.

 

[jennymae]

How those gals be bickering. Ms Jenny had heard of Dollywood, but hand on her heart, never ain’t she be fixin’ to set foot on them premises. Neither no kin of her. Them Lanolineas were tourists and maybe they would fall for the water falls? What that N’awlins gal was doin’ in TN? Doubling up on tiny blondes? Next in line? Ms Jenny couldn’t wrap her head around the blonde brains. They were like blinkers, sometimes they worked sometimes they didn’t.

Oh, a new fix your nails joint. Maybe that was a place to start getting to know what was going on? Golly, it was Ms Tailfeather’s place, and she didn’t like Ms Jenny much due to differences between their tribes. It went all the way back to antebellum times. Maybe even longer. Besides, Ms Tailfeather’s great grandmother had once stolen a piece of Ms Jenny’s great grandmother’s land, and such heinous deeds were never forgotten.

No Ma’am, she thought, you best steer clear of that nail salon or else she’ll be pulling out your nails one by one.

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin joined Oprahs book club on a trip up to Niagara Falls. Oprah was promoting The Secret. She raved about it to everyone.

Ms Lanolin you can have my copy, just dont get it wet.

President Lanolin wondered why Oprah was being so open about The Secret. Shouldnt it be...secret? She opened up to read it and thought it wasnt that great. It had no plot, there was no garden, and the protagonist was a middle aged business executive from Australia. It read like a puff piece for an MLM business conference. After reading the book, she decided no, she would not join Avon or Mary Kay or sell Tupperware.

 

[Lanolin]

The Secret seemed like the perfect gift book for Miss Ruby though. President Lanolin stashed the book in her goodie bookbag, along with Whiskey in a Teacup and the script for Crocodile Dundee 3. Rubylanders were starved for literature ever since Dame Edna had passed over the Rainbow Bridge and Liane Moriarity had defected to write for Meryl Streep.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny’s mother, who had been a librarian for many decades, recently had given up on encouraging Ms Jenny’s reading enthusiasm. “That gal ain’t never gon be fixin to readin no book!” she exclaimed in the general direction of her husband, Ms Jenny’s dad. “Didn’t she start reading that Harper Lee book in junior high?” her dad said. “Dad gummit and change she did not! her mother complained. “Tell you what, that young lady ain’t even knowing that there’s 26 letters in the alphabet!”

Ms Jenny’s mother was no friend of hers. Maybe she was envious of Ms Jenny’s academic achievements? At least she had finished the trailer park phd program and finished second best at popping wheels.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Tailfeather your great great grandmother stole a piece of Miss Jennys great great grandmothers land. And that heinous deed was never forgotten.

?

Miss Bluebell was informing her friend on why Miss Tailfeathers hair salon wasnt attracting any redheads. Or was it rednecks.

Miss Tailfeather said she was very sorry and hoped that Miss Jenny would forgive her ancestors transgressions. She would arrange a ute-load of topsoil to be dumped at Miss Jennys trailer park so she could have a garden.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny huffed about Ms Bluebell’s comments on rednecks. She was a Cherokeean Choctaw by blood, even though her dad was Scottish or Irish or something. She had to dig up the hatchet and make Ms Bluebell think things over.

Mobile Bay was beautiful as ever and there was plenty of miles between her and Ms Bluebell, Ms Tailfeather and other antagonists. Sure it was a bad thing popping the wheels of their trailers, but top drawer is top drawer, right? Anyways, she felt an urge to go to NZ and violate the rules of the libraries over yonder.

 

[Lanolin]

Kevin asked Miss Greenlips Hine where this place called NZ was. It kept coming up on his feed that Miss Jenny was going there.

I have no idea, said Miss Greenlips Hine, everytime Miss Jenny says shes coming to visit she never does, plus we are Lanolinland, NZ must be some abbreviation for some other place. Maybe North Zambia?

 

[jennymae]

En route to NZ across the pacific the plane started descending steeply right after tea time. The captain assured the passengers that there was nothing wrong, but yet they should prepare for the unlikely event of a crash. How comforting, Ms Jenny said to the British man sitting next to her. “Indeed”, he said dryly, “but better safe than sorry, right?” He took a zip of the tea. “They really should stop using artificial sweeteners in their tea. Real sugar would be better”, he added with a hint of indignation in his voice. Ms Jenny agreed.

The captain’s voice came back. “Ladies and gentlemen, we now have one engine up and running again, so we will probably make it to NZ. Even before scheduled time on the grounds of priority”. The Brit smiled his British smile and asked the stewardess to pour him some tea.

NZ was lovely. Ms Jenny located the nearest library and asked the librarian about their Faulkner collection and some poems from Tennessee Williams.

“You’re not from around here, are you?” the librarian said surprised. “No islanders have ever asked for those books”.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Goodbooks rubbed her eyes and wondered if Anne of Green Gables or Pippi Longstocking had suddenly appeared in the flesh in her library when she saw a determined redhead walk up to the library desk. However the impression vanished when the gal spoke. She was all sound and fury.

Miss Goodbooks had to look up the words she was saying in the Jennymaesian Picture Dictionary that she thankfully kept behind her desk as reference.

 

[Lanolin]

Preseident Lanolin crossed the rainbow bridge at Niagara and was now standing in Canada. But the next sign was crossed out and instead of Welcome to Canada it said You are now entering the Republic of Gilead.

She noted that women there were huddled in little groups with shopping baskets and and what looked like red nun habits with their white headdresses. There seem to be no men around at all.

 

[jennymae]

The librarian didn’t make a good impression. She clearly didn’t know the English language and was forced to use a picture book to perform some basic communication. Obviously they weren’t demanding a college degree for librarians. Maybe she had picked up a degree in literature from a non English speaking country? After gesticulating and using some high pitched words she managed to find an old VHS tape of a Don Williams concert. Not exactly what Ms Jenny had in mind.

Ms Jenny was forced to speak in a mighty simple manner. “You have book? Faulkner…Faulkner?” she asked the woman who presented herself as a librarian.

The woman was not happy. Ms Jenny repeating the well known Southern author’s name seemed to make her upset. Could this be a lost in translation thing?

 

[Lanolin]

Greetings, said one of the women, offering her basket of beavertails. My name is Ofcharles. Welcome to Gilead. Do you have a permit?

By permit, President Lanolin thought she meant passport.

Uh, well I just crossed, over the Rainbow Bridge to have a look at the Other Side. I wont be long. She looked in her bookbag, for something to offer the woman in exchange. Should she give her The Secret? Those beavertails looked mighty tempting, and she was hungry. Im OfLanolin by the way. Of Lanolinland.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Goodbooks located The Glass menagerie and some folktales for the redhaired Anne of Green Gables lookalike, who looked like she was about a fit. Most patrons didnt ask librarians anything. They knew exactly where to go to look up their authors, because they already knew the alphabet and there were signs with big letters telling you what section you were in, so if you wanted a book by Faulkner all you did was go to the F section and look for it. Or type your author into the library computer, which was available for anyone to use to look up their books.

But Miss Green Gables lookalike didnt appear to know that and demanded Miss Goodbooks fetch and carry everything for her in a very loud voice that hurt Miss Goodbooks ears.

 

[jennymae]

Everything was so strange here. The librarian, or most likely a clerk, was not very service minded. She just hushed and pointed in the general direction of all the books in the entire library. Maybe her patrons accepted doing all the work themselves, but Ms Jenny was determined that the librarian would be kind enough to help her find the books she was looking for. Especially when being a visitor from another country.

Ms Jenny clearly could have been a bit more gracious, but the flight had been long and delayed and the lack of sleep and caffeine was kicking in bad. Airliners were good at pushing alcohol but decent coffee was hard to come by.