After all I've written brutha, where do you think?
Unfortunately, it's taking forever. I'm the rope in the tug-o-war between the two states, I've been there for some time now, and no end is in sight. Hence my original post: “To think that the remainder of my days will be about refinement / discipline is not encouraging, but makes me want to leave now.”
@Sculpt and
@Snackersmom I appreciate all that you've written. But, it seems God is forcing me to choose between the kind of life I want, and Him. I'm not suicidal, and don't relish the idea of spending an eternity trying to pull hellish maggots from my body while I'm suffocating in 3,000° heat. So, I'm not choosing temporary comfort over Him and eternal life. But... I think that choosing Him now means that life is not going to be what I'd hoped it was going to be... and the simple things I dreamed about may never come. That is
profoundly disheartening.
I thought that after I lost my wife, once healed, God would provide someone again. But, He never did. Instead, my grief was compounded by a
very long period of unemployment. Then, I started getting regular work, work I liked, and a new apartment in a better part of Los Angeles. Its number was "8", so I thought, "new beginnings!" Am I about to recover all that I lost?
No. Idiot! And, in less than 6 years, that working situation would poof and lead to homelessness (2017).
6+ years after that, things have not changed much. That prolonged time of the crappy status quo remaining the status quo, every now and then, just makes me explode with frustration.
I am not sure taking any of the life-changing advice I've been given here is going to have any impact --
if my interpretation of events is correct. I need to be thankful for the things He has not taken (yet), and try to make the best of those. A beautiful companion? Good friends and buddies in the area? A job I really like and that is paying me well? (My field is quite capable of supplying that, so this is not unrealistic.) These may never come. I feel pressed inside to keep from saying that God's going to stomp on all of that permanently. I have no right. But, from the current trajectory, it sure looks that way.
And then, my pastor, in response to an e-mail I sent him containing similar thoughts, writes
"Bottom line: the truth that you know about God and His Word will either trump your experience or your experiences will trump God & His Word. When we trust Him and the truth in His Word, we are saying, This will determine the truth about what's going on in my life, not my experience."
Not helpful. I
know this. Never said I was turning my back on God. That was more or less my response.
Anyway, please don't waste any more time on this folks. I appreciate your time and effort. I've just got to make sure that my heart is comprised of good soil and not shallow. The fear of that is not helping, let me tell you.
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