So I can't sleep tonight, so I've been laying in bed thinking, thinking about being hurt and how I deal with it.
Growing up I always kept to myself, didn't bother with the outside world too much because of previous hurt. I internalized everything and never let anyone see the true me, never let them see I was hurting. I did this for years and after a while you get really good at hiding anything and everything from pretty much everyone.
As I got older and started interacting with the world, I started to hide my emotions through an appearance of not caring or joking. Again, doing this for years makes you really good at it, and I was to the point where even my mom had no idea what I was feeling.
Reading a text message from a good friend tonight got me thinking about this, and how I hide ALL my true feelings under jokes, and made me realize how truly afraid I am of allot of things happening in my life. Allot of things scare me to death, but my standard way of dealing with this is to joke, or play IDC, but in reality I'm deathly afraid of something or deeply deeply hurt.
It's so hard for me to admit to anyone that I'm afraid of something in life, that I've been hurt, or even that I'm scared of potential outcomes in life. I'm scared to admit that my life isn't as perfect as it looks, scared that people will see the true me, scared to simply show my emotions. Afraid to open up ever again, for fear of being hurt so deeply.
I feel like all these emotions that I never show are holding me back, yet at the same time I have no idea how else to live, how else to deal with the pain. When I open up to anyone I'm vulnerable and I know how easy it is to penetrate to my inner being and so deeply wound me that I never fully recover.
I'm sobbing now, so maybe I'll be able to sleep. I feel quite exposed now, please tread lightly. :'(