Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

homwardbound · Jul 6, 2014

I think to say not always, rather usually that i agree with not always or never
The only always I state is God is always and Never is always God will ever leave anyone that chooses to beleive God, and is chasiong after those still left to come to belief
That is Just the Love and Mercy of God our creator, and so we all shall come to know you think
putting all trust to God
So say always if you wish, here on earth it is just not this way, always and never except in God as i see it anyway Sister

homwardbound · Jul 6, 2014

Tintin said:

Thanks and has helped me to grow in understanding the Spiritual warfare that we are at war with, and God teaching me the art of fighting without fighting

homwardbound · Jul 6, 2014

lil_christian said:

And so I cry with you, even if you do not understand this, I do, been there, and it does hurt, trusting you to get through it, and it is not easy as I remember having to when my Sister died at 18 and i was 14. Still hurts to this day, evertime i go back there in thought, my emotions respond as if it just happened all over again
take your time in healing the best you can, when you are ready, it happens the healing in layers like peeling an onion it hurts as it gets peeled one layer at a time.
And I know god is not mad at you for getting mad at this, that took me a while to see and comprehend
that is one of the reasons I now post God does just love us all, in spite of all the tragedies we all go through
So hoping it helps, crying with you as I know others here are as well

homwardbound · Jul 6, 2014

ww_21 said:

awesome, awesome

Loveneverfails · Jul 6, 2014

Tintin said:

...

Tintin said:

Look look! A happy dance! Fabulous and awesome. ^_^

Oncefallen · Jul 6, 2014

lil_christian said:

**takes off smart alec administrator hat

Lil, whenever you give us one of these little snippets of a view into your life it grieves my heart because I know how much it can hurt wanting to be loved yet at the same time yet at the same time being one's own worst enemy. Those self-protective walls that keep us from being hurt make it impossible to truly feel the love that those around us have for us.

Like yourself I grew up in a christian home, was very active in my church, routinely was complemented for how mature I was for my age, socialized best among people considerably older than myself, etc. in some ways the similarities between ourselves at your age (other than gender)

are uncanny. Even the family dynamic (from little pieces I've picked up here and there over the years) strikes me as being very similar.

As a young child I was a relatively outgoing happy child that was very affectionate. As my mother remembers I was always quick to give/receive hugs, but life changed me. Not all at once, but a little bit at a time different events in life both at the hands of my peers and my parents "taught" me that the world around me wasn't safe and that I was unloveable. By the time I entered middle school I had contemplated suicide several times. Middle school kinda sealed my fate with merciless teasing by my peers because I was the one guy that extremely different from everyone else and due to the dynamic at home I felt that I had no one to talk to. The stone walls that had started to slowly build over the years flew up and closed me off from feeling that kind of pain ever again.

In high school although I had a few people my age that I hung out with but I never really felt as if I fit in with them, instead I gravitated towards the adults around me who life had taught me were by far safer (not safe, just safer) than my peers. I worked with the children's programs at church, was a leader in a para-church teens ministry, and the only reason I went to my church youth group was because I ran the sound system. I had no real connection with the people around me and even less with a supposed heavenly Father whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I had my faith and I had a strong mental assent to the truth of scripture, but how can someone have an intimate relationship with an unseen God when their earthly father is a seemingly cold and distant person?

I won't bore you all with the details of the 12 years after high school that it took for me to hit the bottom other than to say that it was a long downhill slide with me constantly looking to fill the longing in my heart for love in all the wrong places. I kept people at arms length thinking that if they really knew who I was deep inside they would reject me and turn me away yet those same walls kept me from the very love I desperately needed. No one around me had any clue of how deeply I was hurting.

At 30 years old I hit bottom. I sat in my truck one night after having lost my job with every intent of ending my pain. I despised myself and I had done things so despicable that my life was irredeemable (I thought) in any sense of the word. Needless to say the healing process from that point was lengthy and I still have my struggles, but I use my life as a cautionary tale. People like yourself tend to either follow the route that I did in trying to fill the void with the wrong things; or like some we know here, become cold and jaded (and seemingly content that way).

My little sister, all I can do is strongly recommend that you seek out counseling, preferably a christian professional not a pastor (most pastors although they mean well don't have the training necessary), who can help you sort through and process whatever event(s) have brought you to this place. The longer you head down this road, the deeper the wounds become and the longer they take to heal. God created us for intimacy first and foremost with himself, but also with those around us and without it we can never find true happiness.

MissCris · Jul 6, 2014

This has been a fantastical morning.

I left my babies with my mom (she picked us up and took us to her house), and from there I walked downtown to the coffee place, where I met my new friend. By way of greeting, she shouted across the mostly empty place "You're real! I didn't dream you!"

We ordered. We sat. We talked a bit about where we are- me in the divorce process, her in a custody battle. Her ex grew up here; she's from Nevada. He left her living with his grandparents with their two kids, and he bought a house and moved an 18 year old girl in with him (he's 32), just to "help her out and keep her off the streets".

We talked about the group I'm trying to start, and she has a zillion ideas and wants to help.

She's super easy to talk to and she's loud and outgoing and funny and fabulous.

We finished our coffee and went our separate ways and I stopped into the tiny little western-themed museum that also displays the work of local artists and checked out the paintings. Most of them weren't really my thing...lots of horses and cowboys and scenery I could look out my window to see (nice and all, just...I dunno, there's so much more out there than horses and sage brush and rivers). There was one painting of a Victorian style house that I fell in love with. The house was weathered, and set by a dirt road, and the sky was stormy and kind of alive. If I'd had $300 I would have bought it.

This museum also has in the basement senior photos of every graduating class in the area for the last... Lots of years. I went down there thinking I'd find my dad's photo, but got sidetracked by a display of women's clothing from the early 1900's. The high collars of these dresses...the pointy boots...I was trying to imagine myself in something like that, standing on the porch of the house in the painting.

And then I remembered I have kids.

But it's been a very pleasant morning.

MissCris · Jul 6, 2014

I just realized it's Sunday. I asked my mom if she knew why the museum would be open on a Sunday morning...the woman that runs it is a widow and keeps the place open for company.

Now I wish I'd taken the time to chat with her.

lil_christian · Jul 6, 2014

Thank you all for the beautiful replies. I truly do appreciate what you all have said. It'll be a long process for me. It's something I want to change, but it will take a long time.

MissCris · Jul 6, 2014

My kingdom for an air conditioner!

seoulsearch · Jul 6, 2014

lil_christian said:

Lil, I so wish I knew what to say. Maybe there aren't even words that exist that would be right to tell you anyway... Maybe God didn't create words for this kind of situation because He knew we'd have to draw closer to Him in a way that transcends all other forms of communication.

But it just hurts so bad. When I read your post it brought me back to a time in which I felt ripped open from head to toe, like a raw wound that's set off by the slightest draft of air blowing by or stinging nerve endings that burn with excruciation from even the smallest particle of dust or debris that you then have to go in and pick out, upsetting the entire area that's already pounding with pain over and over again.

When I was at the point, EVERYTHING hurt. Going to church and seeing people in other (more peaceful) stages of life hurt. Hearing about "God's great love" hurt... and made me angry beyond reason. Getting out of bed hurt. Going to work hurt. Being with people was excruciating; being alone was even worse.

I am so, so sorry, Evie. I wish there was something I could do for you. All I could do is wrap my arms around you and cry with you and tell you that I love you, Little Sister, and I don't know what else to say, and I'm sorry that's all I have, and I flopped myself on the couch today asking God that the process won't be nearly as excruciating or as long for you. I don't know what you'll need to help get to a better place of peace, as I know it's not something that will ever be the same again, but I pray God will send you whatever and whomever you need to keep moving forward, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, because I know that when you're in that state, even the seconds tick by in slow motion.

I'm so sorry I don't know what to say. I wish we could take your kitty out for some kind of adventure, maybe pick up some new things for him, let him run around and be the curious, joyful creature God made Him to be, even if that's not what we're feeling ourselves.

We love you, Evie. Please don't stop sharing with us and let us know how we can help you in any way. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer you but words... and presence. I'm here. We all are. Don't stop talking to us, please.

Love you!!!

K.

Arlene89 · Jul 6, 2014

Tintin said:

You, sir, make me blush so much! My poor facial cheeks are getting quite the work out!

seoulsearch · Jul 6, 2014

P.S. I heard a song a few weeks ago that made me think of you. I can't remember if I already posted this? See what you have to look forward to, hon? Old age, like me.

It's a secular song, but I always thought it was beautiful: "As I Lay Me Down" by Sophie B. Hawkins. I've read that she wrote it about the death of her father, whom she was very close to, but when I hear the song I always pretend it's what I'm saying to God.

You'll hear something sung in the background during the refrain--I had a Chinese Malaysian friend during the time this song was popular who told me they are singing a phrase in another language (I forget which one) that means, "Young girl, go home to your village," which always makes me think of new beginnings, a clean slate, and a whole new life ahead.

I hope it helps in some way if you check it out or already know the song.

Love you.

*Hugs*

MissCris · Jul 6, 2014

lil_christian said:

I know this won't help, but I figured I'd share it because...well, I'm weird that way.

I took a nap today, and was praying for you as I fell asleep. I had a dream in which we went to have coffee somewhere, and you tried to convince me to have a gluten-free scone. I kept refusing, and we started arguing about the concept of scones in general. We were annoying other customers, and they started throwing their own scones at us, and yelling "Scone them! SCONE THEM!!!" So we had to run for cover.

Anyway...the point is...I don't have one, just that you've been on my mind and in my prayers today.

Tintin · Jul 6, 2014

lil_christian · Jul 6, 2014

MissCris said:

hahahaha I love it. XD If I was around your area I'd totally have coffee and a gluten-free scone with you. And we totally should have bought scones and Scone them back inbetween bites.

Laurawrx3 · Jul 6, 2014

I need help , any help will do
I have been feeling doubtful of my 2 years relationship , I am 16 years old and he's a lot older , I say I love him and I feel it a lot of times but a lot of other times I've doubted and I've even broken up with him for a week but that's all. I need help knowing wether this person is the one for me. He claims to be a Christina but doesn't live the lifestyle and niether do it but I want to. I feel like my relationship is unhealthy. I need someone to talk to. Anybody please. I don't know what to do and I've prayed and prayed before but I feel nothing , someone please help

lil_christian · Jul 6, 2014

Laurawrx3 said:

If he's a lot older, then break it off. He should know better than to date a minor. It won't be easy to. But it's needed. He's no good for you and isn't someone you want to be with if he can't even wait to simply date you until you're 18.

ww_21 · Jul 6, 2014

I feel like a loser compared to my other family members compared to my parents even. All my cousins are married, all my friends are married and have kids and here I am... stuck.. with a job I hate.. miles and miles away from the one I love unsure if my family will even accept him.

I hate telling people about my parents. Why? When they hear my mom's name.. they say "oh you're her daughter....where do you work? What do you do?" Why? Because when she wrote her exams years and years ago she topped the entire caribbean so companies have her pictures in their offices and treat her like royalty because of the things she's done. My dad doesn't make it any easier either. He's in the news almost every week.... college students are doing papers about him.. they are asking him for lectures..one of the interns at work befriended me just to ask me to get her an interview with him... which hurt. People treat me horribly.. then when they find out who my parents are they suck up to me. I'm sick of it.

Seems everyone is doing things with their lives, being all successful while I sit back and waste away till it's time to go home to God.

Raine · Jul 6, 2014

Laura, God has given you the wisdom to see that he is not the one. Never ever underestimate his actions. If he says he's christian but does not live it, then forget it. You are so young and he is trying to take advantage of you. Feel free to send me a message anytime.

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