Seoulsearch Tries To Date Multiple People At Once -- Ending In Epic Failure!

[stingray72]

I really thought we might get some honesty here about some who have tried dating multiple people at once. But I see that ship has probably sailed

not my cup tea so you wont hear those kinds of stories from this man.

 

[seoulsearch]

I really thought we might get some honesty here about some who have tried dating multiple people at once. But I see that ship has probably sailed

I have to admit, I was kind of hoping we'd get a story about someone who was dating more than one person at a time... and called one of them by the wrong name.

Something like that usually doesn't go ever well.

 

[FollowerofShiloh]

I have to admit, I was kind of hoping we'd get a story about someone who was dating more than one person at a time... and called one of them by the wrong name.

Something like that usually doesn't go ever well.

Yeah, I've heard stories but was very thankful to not be part of any of them

 

[Snackersmom]

Please don't be offended but I am wiping the tears away from laughing so hard.

You go girl

Lol I'm not offended, I'm glad you got a good laugh . But if you are referring to the "She said Hi back, we're gonna get married" comment, I was just referencing something @Lynx posted in another thread:

View attachment 264755

I found it hilarious and very relatable, so it kinda stuck with me

 

[FollowerofShiloh]

Lol I'm not offended, I'm glad you got a good laugh . But if you are referring to the "She said Hi back, we're gonna get married" comment, I was just referencing something @Lynx posted in another thread:

View attachment 264755

I found it hilarious and very relatable, so it kinda stuck with me

Nice to know but yes, I thought it came from you and found it very amusing

 

[Sculpt]

Hi Sculpt, I'm thinking back to my "fear of attraction" thread from a while back (maybe you are familiar since you said you have a good memory and I know you posted in it). Anyway..... eventually, through the advice people were posting, I realized it was probably more a fear of commitment, trust, and or/losing control (and probably more things ). I'm working on all that and seeing some improvement, but I was wondering....

Yep, I remember. While we're on that side of this subject; if you're willing to talk about it; we're you 'burned' by someone (or more) that you were seeing? If so, what was the gist of the most impactful one?

One focus of psychological research would suggest that you had a close and secure relationship with your father.

Do you feel like your willingness to get to know someone while they are potentially casually dating other people has anything to do with keeping them at an emotional arm's length until you can figure out if they are truly a potential match for you?

Absolutely yes, me keeping me from getting prematurely attached. Mainly because they are a bad match, or someone who would be bad for anyone. Not so much because they may ultimately choose someone else. Pain and rejection come with life. We have to leave room for God, right?

Everybody has different life (dating) experiences. Perhaps some dating experiences were directed by our good God, or maybe none. Or maybe God has created good from them in the form of discernment and caution. I'm sure it's a mix of many things; and we just have to do our best to listen to God and gain wisdom.

I've been so blessed with knowing so many good people. And I know very well everyone is imperfect; otherwise, I wouldn't have so many close family and friends. But by-in-large my dating partners have been a disappointing contrast.

Is my selection process dysfunctional, poor luck of the draw, cultural issues, supernatural intervention?

I think my subconscious thought there is that if the guy keeps talking to other women then they won't get too attached to me. But I myself have never really desired to seriously get to know more than one guy at once and I don't think I would even casually "date" more than one at once. Even the thought of joining an online dating site is exhausting and overwhelming because I know that most men wouldn't be a good fit for me, but once you put yourself out there as available then you have to deal with whatever comes your way.

On my end of things, I don't get attached quickly or easily, so my stress/fears have to do with the guy getting unreasonably attached unreasonably soon before I even figure out if he's a possible match. And I know that would lead me to instinctively pushing him away. Perhaps I could consciously over-ride it but it's hard for me not to see quick attachment as a huge red-flag.

Thoughts? (And I say that also speaking to anyone else who might be reading this!)

Commonsense-wise, statistically, I would agree, if you somehow know a guy is meeting/talking to other women, it's less likely he prematurely attaches to you.

But you do have me curious, how do you define a guy getting inappropriately attached to you?

Inappropriate attachment exists of course . But what is it? It's something worthwhile to think about. Is it only when you don't feel the same way? Is it time? Is it how much they really know you?

We know about love at first sight, and couples getting happily married for life after a few days. A very good match can happen, right? I think we can discern when it's too soon based on the shared experience and commonsense; but is it inappropriate for someone to like you a lot before you like them? Surely that alone doesn't make it bad, evil, toxic, or a "red flag", right? People can tap any necessary relationship brakes without a breakup, right?, without the need of you "pushing them away" as you put it? To make space for a healthy relationship, can you imagine a scenario where it's okay, and one where it's not?

 

[JohnDB]

Hey Everyone,

All the advice on the forum to date multiple people at once has had me thinking for a while. I was thinking about my own dating history, and trying to sort out why I have said for the longest time that I wouldn't do this. Then I remembered why.

Years ago, I actually tried an in-person dating service, as this was long before internet dating took off. It was insanely expensive and I'd never do it again, but I think I signed up for 12 matches. Although I didn't find someone, I did have some interesting conversations (and can tell you all the more to be careful out there!) Fortunately, they only gave you one match at a time and I liked being able to concentrate on talking to just one person.

Fast forward to a few years later when I was on a couple of paid Christian dating sites... My favorite thing back then was to hang out in the Christian Mingle chat rooms (arranged by ages in decades,) because I could see what people were like in real time. And of course, you got plenty of 50-year-olds hanging out in the 20-and-30-year-old rooms. (As far as I know, CM doesn't have these anymore? It's been years since I've looked at their site.)

Again, I didn't meet anyone special, but I did have some good conversations and learned from other's experiences. I also learned something very important about myself.

I had been chatting with a couple of really nice guys and when it felt comfortable, moved on to talking to the phone with a few of them. And I can still remember, I was talking with one guy, and I said something like, "Oh, that's right, your father..." and then I went on to finish what I thought was a story about his dad. And he paused for a minute, then said plainly, "Uh... that's not me."

In other words -- I WAS GETTING HIS STORY CONFUSED WITH THAT OF ANOTHER GUY I WAS TALKING TO -- AND I FELT SO BAD!!!

The poor guy was incredibly gracious about it, but understandably, we never talked again.

Shoot, it's not just in dating situations. I have a good friend I've known for years, but we only write each other a couple times a year, and when I asked how her parents were doing, she wrote back, "Well, I don't expect you to remember, Seoul, but my Dad actually died 20 years ago..." Oh my goodness. I felt like the worst friend ever.

Throughout my life, I've actually kept handwritten notes to remind me of people's important events, dates, and life facts, but I had foolishly gotten away from the practice, and it was obviously showing.

THIS is why I personally wouldn't date more than one person at a time. If I did, I would have to keep a fact-checking file on each person, then re-read it every time I talked to them to try to make sure I didn't mess up. I just remember that poor guy on the phone whose family information I incorrectly identified and how immensely disrespectful that was -- and all because I was talking to more than one person at a time -- even though it was all online.

And I thought about how I would feel if it got flipped around -- how would any of us feel if our "date" started talking to us earnestly about a family or life situation that wasn't ours, all because he was accidentally got our story mixed up with the 3 other girls he's dating?

It was about this time that I backed out of the dating scene, because I wanted to do better. I wanted to give someone the respect and attention he deserved, not a slice of time in between going out with Joe on Monday and Bobby on Friday.

And what really got to me is that I started wondering what kinds of affection are allowed on dates, because I would not feel comfortable dating someone if both of us were holding hands with/kissing other people on our days off from seeing each other. I know I probably sound like as old-fashioned as your Grandma -- heck, maybe even some people's Great-Grandma -- but for my own self, I felt that limiting my time and focus to just one person would be the most honorable thing to do.

I know others might be different though and maybe dating multiple people DOES work for them. Shoot, some people might even tell me I'm just too forgetful and/or stupid to be able to date several guys at once, lol, and I understand that. Or maybe they'll say I'm being too sensitive I'm turned off that my date gets my story mixed up with the girl he went out with the night before me.

So for those of you who DO think it's possible, I'm sincerely interested in how you keep all their stories straight. (Obviously, I can use these tips on just trying to remember facts about my long-term friends!)

* First of all, how do YOU feel about dating more than one person at a time? Yeah or Nah?

* If you DO see several people at once, how do you keep from mixing up their information?

* Do you feel it's ok to hold hands with, hug, and kiss each person when you take them out?

* What are you comfortable with your date doing in between dates with you: dating other people, holding hands with other people, hugging and kissing other people? And then being fresh, ready, and smiling to take YOU out the next night?

Everyone is welcome to answer -- it would be interesting to hear from our married friends about how this type of advice has worked -- or not -- in real life for them, or those they know.

I think this is going to be a fascinating discussion and I am eagerly awaiting your thoughts.

well
Well
Well

After reading this post....
It's obvious to me why you had a colossal failure in dating.....

And why you really shouldn't "date" more than one person at a time.

Make friends instead.
Friend zone EVERYONE.

Sure hugs can be just fine. Maybe a kiss on the cheek. But nothing more until there is more organically.

Because until you actually connect and identify with someone and are willing to be emotionally vulnerable it's a waste of everyone's time and emotions. A notch on the belt is rather meaningless. And people are worth more than that.

Sure, the stories are fascinating...and the cognitive dissonance is interesting...but that doesn't mean that they are ready for a committed relationship...just like you really aren't either. Because you have to be a "joiner" if you are to have a committed, long-term relationship.

When was the last time you were a fan of someone?

Is it the idea of a relationship with a person or the specific person themselves that you like?

Everyone of course likes the idea and ideal of what married life can do for you...but the nuts and bolts seem out of reach for some inexplicable reason (of course everyone not in one has reasons they believe to be true....but are they?).

When I was "single again" I had made a LOT of friends. I hugged those who were receptive...and those hugs meant a lot. Not really a sexual thing but more along the lines of an acceptance thing of caring...because singles often are alone and feel lonely at times. And some you ran to the other side of the church to avoid having to give them a hug...because many singles are borderline crazies you want nothing to do with.

From my wedding vows:
Is this person a ministry partner who assists in your ministries or a drag on tesources and keeps you from accomplishing ministry tasks. Are they the missionary or mission field? Are you comfortable helping them with their ministries? IE...are you joining two successful ministries or 2 planners of doing "something"?

You are either doing something or nothing.

 

[JohnDB]

I just got a message from a friend from my "single again" days....

I "assisted" in helping her meet a man whom she married....and the message was sad...her husband, another friend of mine, has recently passed away from cancer. And my heart is crushed for her. She was a great friend I made on an internet forum. We had a lot in common. We loved to talk to each other and clown around. (She proposed marriage during our first conversation...lol) We met face to face several times...we both have been caught up in our own lives and very busy....lost touch for a bit. I'll call her tomorrow. I was so happy for her when she met Jim and got engaged. It was a "one in a million" type deal...

So....I'm going to bed....snuggle up to my wife and thank God while saying a prayer for her.

Then in the morning get ready for my wife's Bible study group and a birthday party.

 

[Lynx]

well
Well
Well

After reading this post....
It's obvious to me why you had a colossal failure in dating.....

And why you really shouldn't "date" more than one person at a time.

Make friends instead.
Friend zone EVERYONE.

Sure hugs can be just fine. Maybe a kiss on the cheek. But nothing more until there is more organically.

Because until you actually connect and identify with someone and are willing to be emotionally vulnerable it's a waste of everyone's time and emotions. A notch on the belt is rather meaningless. And people are worth more than that.

Sure, the stories are fascinating...and the cognitive dissonance is interesting...but that doesn't mean that they are ready for a committed relationship...just like you really aren't either. Because you have to be a "joiner" if you are to have a committed, long-term relationship.

When was the last time you were a fan of someone?

Is it the idea of a relationship with a person or the specific person themselves that you like?

Everyone of course likes the idea and ideal of what married life can do for you...but the nuts and bolts seem out of reach for some inexplicable reason (of course everyone not in one has reasons they believe to be true....but are they?).

When I was "single again" I had made a LOT of friends. I hugged those who were receptive...and those hugs meant a lot. Not really a sexual thing but more along the lines of an acceptance thing of caring...because singles often are alone and feel lonely at times. And some you ran to the other side of the church to avoid having to give them a hug...because many singles are borderline crazies you want nothing to do with.

From my wedding vows:
Is this person a ministry partner who assists in your ministries or a drag on tesources and keeps you from accomplishing ministry tasks. Are they the missionary or mission field? Are you comfortable helping them with their ministries? IE...are you joining two successful ministries or 2 planners of doing "something"?

You are either doing something or nothing.

Relationship advice is like making a suit of clothing. If you don't know the measure of the person it is for, it will be a very poor fit.

 

[seoulsearch]

well
Well
Well

After reading this post....
It's obvious to me why you had a colossal failure in dating.....

And why you really shouldn't "date" more than one person at a time.

Make friends instead.
Friend zone EVERYONE.

Sure hugs can be just fine. Maybe a kiss on the cheek. But nothing more until there is more organically.

Because until you actually connect and identify with someone and are willing to be emotionally vulnerable it's a waste of everyone's time and emotions. A notch on the belt is rather meaningless. And people are worth more than that.

Sure, the stories are fascinating...and the cognitive dissonance is interesting...but that doesn't mean that they are ready for a committed relationship...just like you really aren't either. Because you have to be a "joiner" if you are to have a committed, long-term relationship.

When was the last time you were a fan of someone?

Is it the idea of a relationship with a person or the specific person themselves that you like?

Everyone of course likes the idea and ideal of what married life can do for you...but the nuts and bolts seem out of reach for some inexplicable reason (of course everyone not in one has reasons they believe to be true....but are they?).

When I was "single again" I had made a LOT of friends. I hugged those who were receptive...and those hugs meant a lot. Not really a sexual thing but more along the lines of an acceptance thing of caring...because singles often are alone and feel lonely at times. And some you ran to the other side of the church to avoid having to give them a hug...because many singles are borderline crazies you want nothing to do with.

From my wedding vows:
Is this person a ministry partner who assists in your ministries or a drag on tesources and keeps you from accomplishing ministry tasks. Are they the missionary or mission field? Are you comfortable helping them with their ministries? IE...are you joining two successful ministries or 2 planners of doing "something"?

You are either doing something or nothing.

If you've read through all the posts in this thread, you should have an understanding that getting to know people (seeing if they could even be a friend, so yes, friend-zoning,) is actually my idea of dating.

I wasn't a "colossal failure," as you put it, because I was trying to date everyone -- being single is not failing.

I was thinking back to that in-person dating service... I think I signed up for 12 matches, and yes, it was one at a time, and over a time span of something like a year or more, so there was no rush. But not a single meeting or talk went past the initial conversation. I saw it all as a learning experience. Like the guy I spent 3 hours on the phone with a guy for an initial "meeting" but we never met in person. He hadn't seen my picture yet and when he did, he must not have liked what he saw, because he called back. And that's ok. Rejection is all part of it.

I can think of another in which I spent hours on the phone with another guy but I didn't wind up meeting him because he spent the entire conversation talking about himself, and I really didn't want to have to bear that in person, too.

So no, I'm "dating" according to what you seem to be thinking. The in-person meeting never went past that initial first lunch or dinner (one guy tried to invite himself over to my place -- definite pass.) The time I got a guy's information mixed up with someone else was on an online dating site, so yes, you're generally talking to more than one person at a time there. Which is part of why I'm not on dating sites -- it was exhausting.

I'm also trying to remember when I met online matches in person, and I can only remember two. The others never went past the initial online or phone conversation.

Nowadays, when people say dating, so mean doing things with people -- and sometimes multiple people at once -- that most of us (here in this thread at least) wouldn't do unless it was a set relationship (even holding hands, kissing, etc.), so it's important to know what different people's definitions are.

I did none of these things with any of these guys, because my idea of dating is just getting to know people through a conversation. I'm trying to remember from the dates I did go on -- at most, I might hug, but I didn't hug very many. The first thing I look for in someone is whether we feel like we can talk to each other or not.

You mentioned snuggling up to your wife, in one of your posts, which is wonderful. Some people are made to be married. I had someone to snuggle up with once too. Until I came home from work, found half the house missing because he'd moved out without telling me, and sent me papers saying he was suing me for divorce. At the time, no one knew he had a girlfriend so I also had the lovely church people telling me I could never remarry.

I've had many guys tell me I must be single because I must be a dried-up old hag. Maybe. And it's fine if they think that. But I've learned not to bet the farm on finding someone, so if that's in God's plan, great, if not, I still have a full life. When I was married, we talked all the time about someday retiring and traveling -- I haven't lost sight of that goal. It's just that now it's for a party of one.

I've also mentioned many times that I'm at a stage in life where I know many people who had a spouse to snuggle up with, too -- but now they carry on alone, because much like Ezekiel, God took away the light of their eyes. And in general, this is what will happen to at least half of married people.

Marriage, even if accomplished, is only temporal. And most married people I know are hoping, sometimes even praying, to die first, so that they won't have to be the one to suffer being left alone. I find this interesting, because on the surface, it seems to be extremely selfish, and we singles are always told marriage means learning to die to self and to serve the other person.

Fortunately, God has found several ways for me to keep dying to self while serving others as a single. Even as a married, there are no guarantees. I read a few weeks ago about a man who married a woman 25 years younger, thinking she would always take care of him, but she died first, and now his worst fear of being alone in a nursing home has come true. I know a lot of people who just can't be alone. I used to be on of them. But God has taught me how to someone who can handle being alone, no matter what status I find myself in.

So no, I didn't "fail" because I was trying to "date" (according to what some might define it as) everyone at once. Anyone who knows me knows that the friendzone is my specialty.

It's different for everyone. Married people seem to assume singles are single because they can't find someone to marry, and that's not aways the case.

I'm not single because I can't find someone to marry. Ironically, I'm single because the wrong guys tried to get attached too quickly, or guys I've known for a long time that talked to me about getting married, and I just didn't have peace with the idea. And there have been some really great guys. One, if he keeps going, is on track to hit a 7-figure income in the next few years. But he also has all the stress and working hours to go with it, and one of the reasons I didn't want to get married was because I knew I'd never see him.

I wouldn't have wanted to hold him back from his goals, but I knew even if we were married, I'd still spend most of my time alone.

I've experienced loneliness in both marriage and as a single, and for myself, I think I handle it better as a single.

God has blessed me with a more flexible schedule, and I had told Him that one of my goals was to work for some of my friends' businesses just for fun (my "wages" include cool places to stay, all the homemade food I can eat -- which gets dangerous -- and trips to things like local museums.)

I make my own money so I'm used to making my own decisions, going where I want to go, and staying for as long as my priorities allow. If I were married, I could no longer do that, and I might come to resent having to always work around someone else's restrictions. I'm going to an in-person meetup event later this year and I'm looking forward to seeing another CC friend (who isn't here anymore) I've known for years, but this will be our first real-life meeting.

I feel very thankful to have had chances to get married. I'm still friends with two of the guys who have talked about marrying (at different times of course! Across different years of our lives.) One said even in the past year that if I ever changed my mind and said yes, he'd go out and buy a ring tomorrow. I'm extremely flattered that someone would even find me worthy.

So rest assured that some of us really are single by choice and not because we can't find someone good to marry, or because we've somehow "failed." I know other singles who are in this club as well -- The "I Could Be Married, But That's Not Where God Is Leading Me Right Now Club" is alive and well.

I'm very grateful to know that I could have gotten married.

But I'm also thankful that for whatever reason, God seems to give me peace in the direction I need to go, and so far, marriage has not been it.

 

[seoulsearch]

Something else I tried to add, but missed the editing time --

I've known many people who married mostly because they were desperate to not be single or alone anymore -- and unfortunately, are reaping a lot of very negative consequences, which will last for a lifetime.

If God had not changed me, I would have been one of them.

One thing I'm grateful for is that even though it's been a very painful journey, the fact that God has taught me to be alone has prepared me even better for marriage, if that's what He has for me someday.

Because I know that even if God called my spouse home first, yes, it would feel like my heart was ripped out, but I could carry on, and I could adjust.

I have a great sorrow for my parent's married friends who are losing their spouses, because they are dealing with the shock of trying to live alone for the very first time in their lives.

 

[Lynx]

I just got a message from a friend from my "single again" days....

I "assisted" in helping her meet a man whom she married....and the message was sad...her husband, another friend of mine, has recently passed away from cancer. And my heart is crushed for her. She was a great friend I made on an internet forum. We had a lot in common. We loved to talk to each other and clown around. (She proposed marriage during our first conversation...lol) We met face to face several times...we both have been caught up in our own lives and very busy....lost touch for a bit. I'll call her tomorrow. I was so happy for her when she met Jim and got engaged. It was a "one in a million" type deal...

So....I'm going to bed....snuggle up to my wife and thank God while saying a prayer for her.

Then in the morning get ready for my wife's Bible study group and a birthday party.

One other thing...

You sure do whip out the "I'm soooo married and sooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!" bit a lot. Almost like you're using it as a shield. Has to make a person wonder what you're defending against.

 

[tourist]

Relationship advice is like making a suit of clothing. If you don't know the measure of the person it is for, it will be a very poor fit.

Actually, profound.

 

[seoulsearch]

One other thing...

You sure do whip out the "I'm soooo married and sooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!" bit a lot. Almost like you're using it as a shield. Has to make a person wonder what you're defending against.

I think a lot of married people assume everyone wants they have or should want what they have. To me, it's a lot like the person with the nice house or Lamborghini who just assumes everyone else is, or should, be jealous. I love it when people have things in their lives that God gave them that makes them happy. But it certainly doesn't mean I want the same things.

As a formerly married person and someone who also learned to be content, and even happy, in the single life, I'm thankful to have experienced a bit of both sides.

But I've also experienced, and am seeing, the darker sides of marriage. Right now I'm witnessing a situation in one of the most Christian marriages I know where one person made some bad decisions and is, unfortunately, dragging the other person right through the consequences with them. And the person who made the bad decisions is excusing their behavior by telling everyone that this is what the other person wanted.

No, no, and heck to the no. But when you're married, that's just part of the deal. I am praying A LOT for the person who is going through the dragging.

I've made plenty of my own bad decisions, but for the most part, I like keeping them contained to myself so that the contagion doesn't spread to innocent parties. And I like not being the victim of someone else's bad decisions either, when I can help it.

It's funny that John seems to think I "failed" at dating because I must have something wrong or because I'm not married.

I certainly didn't make all the best decisions but I've done exactly what he's preaching. He advocates the friend zone, and that's what I've always done. The very reason I'm still on this forum after 15 years is because I keep finding interesting people I become friends with, and sometimes even meet in person.

The two guys I mentioned in one of my other posts who wanted to get married (again, at different times, in very different years,) are indeed long-time friends, and I'm pretty sure if I ever do marry, it would be to someone I knew for years -- as a friend. There was another guy I was in the same situation with a few years before that -- a friend who said, "You know, we've known each other for a long time and have been through so much, I really think it would work if we got married... What do you think? Is this something we could work towards?"

So odd as it sounds, I'm pretty sure if I put in the effort, I could be married fairly soon -- probably even next month. And that's not meant as some kind of flex -- it can be a good and bad thing. I attract a lot of guys who want to be married, but also don't want to give up their playboy tendencies on the side. They just like the idea of having someone to take care of them. And I've also known some really great Christian guys who asked me to consider marriage, but as I've said before, I didn't feel peace with God over it.

I'm all for marriage for those who want to be married, are called to be married, and find a great person to marry. But I think some Christians make the mistake of thinking that's the only way to be, and it's not. Some think all singles aren't married because they are social failures. We all have our own callings. Now it's true that some might think I'm a social failure, lol , but I'm not single because I haven't had the chance to marry. I'm single because I think for now, that's what God wants for me.

Even for those who do marry, it doesn't mean they're always going to be married. All sorts of things could happen, including the death of their spouse. We all know people who were married but lost their spouse, and wound up being alone anyway.

During my time here on CC, I've had many, many people tell me that the threads here in Singles have helped them get through some very rough, lonely times in their lives. One guy even told me he was glad I was single and didn't want me to find anyone soon, because otherwise I wouldn't be here writing the threads he looked for every day. And of course, some people might just find my presence here annoying, which is why I love writing. They can easily just ignore me to their heart's content.

But I've had so many people tell me this over the years that I'm pretty sure this is one of the reasons why God, for now at least, is keeping my single -- my job is to help comfort other single people, and to let them know God still has a purpose for them, no matter their social status. And right now, He works a lot of that through me here on CC.

The people who contact me come from all sorts of backgrounds -- some are lifetime singles, some are divorced, some are between relationships -- but the ones I cry for the most are those who have lost their spouse because God decided it was time for their spouse to come home, for whatever reason, God has chosen to allow them to stay here.

One of the softest spots in my heart for those who did thought it was everything to be married, but are finding out now what "'Til Death Do Us Part" really means -- and are adjusting to living as an adult single for the first time.

 

[seoulsearch]

Relationship advice is like making a suit of clothing. If you don't know the measure of the person it is for, it will be a very poor fit.

This was so profound that it gave me goosebumps.

I'm sure this wasn't just you, Lynx -- this was a nudging from the Holy Spirit.

What I find to be most thought-provoking is that this statement also fits just about every situation in which people tell other people what they "should" be doing:

* "You should get a bigger house."
* "You should get a more prestigious career/position."
* "You should be on the prayer team."
* "You should have another baby -- you don't want just an only child, do you?"

And on and on it goes. All this "good" advice to do everything we can to keep up with the Joneses, do something everyone else is doing, or flat-out succumb to someone else's manipulations.

But the people who dish out the advice have no thought or consideration of the person's own individuality, and that these things just might not be a good fit for that person -- or that God might be leading them to do something else. I think that especially today, marriage has become an idol for many, leading them to push others into it.

I've even heard some Christians say, "Well, God says marriage is good -- so you have to take that up with Him, not me."

Yes.

And God also says, "You must obey God rather than men."

I'm not going to marry someone if I feel flat-out that God is holding me back from doing so -- and as well, anyone who thinks I'm a failure or not living up to my Christian potential has to take that up with Him as well.

I actually encourage people who think this about me to pray about it -- please for my sake, tell God I've failed, and that how much of a big failure I am -- and tell Him how much I NEED to get married.

It's either going to push me further into God's will (whether He wants me to marry or not,) and if I'm not meant to be, will result in a big smack-down for trying to go against Him.

 

[seoulsearch]

One other things I would like to say to the singles here:

I was married once. I was raised with the thinking that marriage was the epitome of the Christian life, and that there were no other options.

The most devastating, bleakest time of my life was when my husband left for someone else. He had someone to "snuggle up to" and I had -- an empty house. But I didn't know about his girlfriend until about 6 months later -- I had moved out of the area, and a friend of called in the middle of the night to saying, saying he and the girl we used to work with emerged at our former workplace holding hands. But they had started dating while he was still with me.

Up until then, the good Christian community told me I could never remarry because I had no Biblical reason for divorce (some still tell me that today.) I was 25 years old and told that I just had to accept that not only was my husband never coming back, but I would have to stay single for the rest of my life. And of course, i was supposed to be thankful and exude "the joy of the Lord."

It's been many years -- decades -- since then, and I am still single.

The passage I clung to during my darkest times is one I'd also like to share with you:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 -- "For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, and I will listen. And you will find Me when you seek Me with all your heart."

If you are someone who is struggling with singleness, God wants to give you a future, and a hope.

I'm certainly not saying it's going to be easy, or even quickly -- it's taken YEARS for me, but this was partially because I was broken-hearted, disappointed (I didn't know why this was happening when I had tried to follow "the rules", and had no doubt whatsoever that God could change things,) angry, and rebellious.

I pray that anyone going through this won't be like me and will learn a whole lot faster.

For as much faith as I had that God could restore my marriage, I didn't have any faith that God could show me a fulfilling life as a single -- and wouldn't you know, that is the very way He chose to work in my life.

He showed me a purpose -- caring for other singles. And being single myself gives lets people know that there are others right there in the middle with them. Now I know this might sound more like curse than a blessing to some, but I just want to let you know, He hasn't given up on you.

He has a purpose for you too.

And no, I won't be offended at all if you ask Him to give you a purpose that's much different than mine, because some would see hanging out with singles as a death sentence, but God has taught me to see it as joy.

That's the beauty of you -- you are your own person, and God will use that.

If anything, I hope this post might put a little spring in your step as you seek Him with all your heart yet again today.

 

[seoulsearch]

When I read through posts that I guess? are supposed to make us jealous of being married, I have to smile.

It reminds me so much of a guy in one of the financial Discords I'm in right now. He claims to have 5 Lamborghinis and that anyone who doesn't bring in at least half a million dollars a year isn't worthy of talking to him.

Apparently, I'm suppose to be envious of a big, fancy car. Now that's great if God's given him that to enjoy.

But I'm not a lesser person because I don't have one. I'm not even a lesser person because I don't make that kind of money.

Whenever I see people with nice things (including relationships,) I'm always thinking about all the work, maintenance, and money that comes with those things. I mean, think of what the guy's insurance bills must be alone.

God is always teaching me to appreciate the things I already have.

I don't have a fancy car, but I do have something reliable that's been paid off for over 10 years -- if that person bought that fancy car in cash, God bless him! But I value something I can work hard to get paid off a lot more than something that would drown me in debt.

I might be single and not have a big marriage to try to make people jealous of, as we see all over social media -- lol, those couples who try so hard to be #RelationshipGoals with flashy rings and exotic locations.

But I'm not a lesser person because I'm single. After all, God Himself commands us not to covet what He has not chosen to give us at the time.

God has taught me the beauty in caring for just my own set of parents, my own space, and my own free time -- to meet people and travel as I am able to. And I am thankful.

If it changes, great!

But one of the biggest blessings God has given me is that even if it doesn't change, He has given me a very rewarding alternative.

 

[Lynx]

I think a lot of married people assume everyone wants they have or should want what they have. To me, it's a lot like the person with the nice house or Lamborghini who just assumes everyone else is, or should, be jealous. I love it when people have things in their lives that God gave them that makes them happy. But it certainly doesn't mean I want the same things.

As a formerly married person and someone who also learned to be content, and even happy, in the single life, I'm thankful to have experienced a bit of both sides.

But I've also experienced, and am seeing, the darker sides of marriage. Right now I'm witnessing a situation in one of the most Christian marriages I know where one person made some bad decisions and is, unfortunately, dragging the other person right through the consequences with them. And the person who made the bad decisions is excusing their behavior by telling everyone that this is what the other person wanted.

No, no, and heck to the no. But when you're married, that's just part of the deal. I am praying A LOT for the person who is going through the dragging.

I've made plenty of my own bad decisions, but for the most part, I like keeping them contained to myself so that the contagion doesn't spread to innocent parties. And I like not being the victim of someone else's bad decisions either, when I can help it.

It's funny that John seems to think I "failed" at dating because I must have something wrong or because I'm not married.

I certainly didn't make all the best decisions but I've done exactly what he's preaching. He advocates the friend zone, and that's what I've always done. The very reason I'm still on this forum after 15 years is because I keep finding interesting people I become friends with, and sometimes even meet in person.

The two guys I mentioned in one of my other posts who wanted to get married (again, at different times, in very different years,) are indeed long-time friends, and I'm pretty sure if I ever do marry, it would be to someone I knew for years -- as a friend. There was another guy I was in the same situation with a few years before that -- a friend who said, "You know, we've known each other for a long time and have been through so much, I really think it would work if we got married... What do you think? Is this something we could work towards?"

So odd as it sounds, I'm pretty sure if I put in the effort, I could be married fairly soon -- probably even next month. And that's not meant as some kind of flex -- it can be a good and bad thing. I attract a lot of guys who want to be married, but also don't want to give up their playboy tendencies on the side. They just like the idea of having someone to take care of them. And I've also known some really great Christian guys who asked me to consider marriage, but as I've said before, I didn't feel peace with God over it.

I'm all for marriage for those who want to be married, are called to be married, and find a great person to marry. But I think some Christians make the mistake of thinking that's the only way to be, and it's not. Some think all singles aren't married because they are social failures. We all have our own callings. Now it's true that some might think I'm a social failure, lol , but I'm not single because I haven't had the chance to marry. I'm single because I think for now, that's what God wants for me.

Even for those who do marry, it doesn't mean they're always going to be married. All sorts of things could happen, including the death of their spouse. We all know people who were married but lost their spouse, and wound up being alone anyway.

During my time here on CC, I've had many, many people tell me that the threads here in Singles have helped them get through some very rough, lonely times in their lives. One guy even told me he was glad I was single and didn't want me to find anyone soon, because otherwise I wouldn't be here writing the threads he looked for every day. And of course, some people might just find my presence here annoying, which is why I love writing. They can easily just ignore me to their heart's content.

But I've had so many people tell me this over the years that I'm pretty sure this is one of the reasons why God, for now at least, is keeping my single -- my job is to help comfort other single people, and to let them know God still has a purpose for them, no matter their social status. And right now, He works a lot of that through me here on CC.

The people who contact me come from all sorts of backgrounds -- some are lifetime singles, some are divorced, some are between relationships -- but the ones I cry for the most are those who have lost their spouse because God decided it was time for their spouse to come home, for whatever reason, God has chosen to allow them to stay here.

One of the softest spots in my heart for those who did thought it was everything to be married, but are finding out now what "'Til Death Do Us Part" really means -- and are adjusting to living as an adult single for the first time.

This forum really needs a text to speech option, where I can just tap a button and my phone will read me the post while I'm driving. I live 14 miles from my job, and it would be a good use of drive time.

 

[Lynx]

This was so profound that it gave me goosebumps.

I'm sure this wasn't just you, Lynx -- this was a nudging from the Holy Spirit.

What I find to be most thought-provoking is that this statement also fits just about every situation in which people tell other people what they "should" be doing:

* "You should get a bigger house."
* "You should get a more prestigious career/position."
* "You should be on the prayer team."
* "You should have another baby -- you don't want just an only child, do you?"

And on and on it goes. All this "good" advice to do everything we can to keep up with the Joneses, do something everyone else is doing, or flat-out succumb to someone else's manipulations.

But the people who dish out the advice have no thought or consideration of the person's own individuality, and that these things just might not be a good fit for that person -- or that God might be leading them to do something else. I think that especially today, marriage has become an idol for many, leading them to push others into it.

I've even heard some Christians say, "Well, God says marriage is good -- so you have to take that up with Him, not me."

Yes.

And God also says, "You must obey God rather than men."

I'm not going to marry someone if I feel flat-out that God is holding me back from doing so -- and as well, anyone who thinks I'm a failure or not living up to my Christian potential has to take that up with Him as well.

I actually encourage people who think this about me to pray about it -- please for my sake, tell God I've failed, and that how much of a big failure I am -- and tell Him how much I NEED to get married.

It's either going to push me further into God's will (whether He wants me to marry or not,) and if I'm not meant to be, will result in a big smack-down for trying to go against Him.

Yes we should all find a spouse and get married. And we should all use the world's smallest Android phone, because I think it is just so incredibly awesome. And we should all wear zero drop ratio shoes. And chocolate is not real chocolate unless it goes above 70% cocoa...

Okay I'll hush.

Computers and phones have taught me to always ask what a person's use case is before recommending a product.

 

[Lynx]

When I read through posts that I guess? are supposed to make us jealous of being married, I have to smile.

It reminds me so much of a guy in one of the financial Discords I'm in right now. He claims to have 5 Lamborghinis and that anyone who doesn't bring in at least half a million dollars a year isn't worthy of talking to him.

Apparently, I'm suppose to be envious of a big, fancy car. Now that's great if God's given him that to enjoy.

But I'm not a lesser person because I don't have one. I'm not even a lesser person because I don't make that kind of money.

Whenever I see people with nice things (including relationships,) I'm always thinking about all the work, maintenance, and money that comes with those things. I mean, think of what the guy's insurance bills must be alone.

God is always teaching me to appreciate the things I already have.

I don't have a fancy car, but I do have something reliable that's been paid off for over 10 years -- if that person bought that fancy car in cash, God bless him! But I value something I can work hard to get paid off a lot more than something that would drown me in debt.

I might be single and not have a big marriage to try to make people jealous of, as we see all over social media -- lol, those couples who try so hard to be #RelationshipGoals with flashy rings and exotic locations.

But I'm not a lesser person because I'm single. After all, God Himself commands us not to covet what He has not chosen to give us at the time.

God has taught me the beauty in caring for just my own set of parents, my own space, and my own free time -- to meet people and travel as I am able to. And I am thankful.

If it changes, great!

But one of the biggest blessings God has given me is that even if it doesn't change, He has given me a very rewarding alternative.

The guy with five lambos doesn't have to worry about me wasting his time. I wouldn't want to talk to him either. His priorities are so wildly different from mine that we would have nothing to talk about.