Wife gets pregnant, now wants to leave me.

[Lady_Sunshine]

I think that SHE doesn't even know what, or who, she wants. Maybe she doesn't want to be married anymore, or maybe she's just having a pregnant-and-midlife crisis.. Has she already filed divorce papers? And does she know you're planning to move near her?

Wow you sound like you're taking this wayy too personal for a random user commenting.

You and op know each other?

Or are you implementing your own pass hurts on the topic?

 

[blue_ladybug]

Wow you sound like you're taking this wayy too personal for a random user commenting.

You and op know each other?

Or are you implementing your own pass hurts on the topic?

Neither one.. But she's definitely not in her clear right mind right now..

 

[Ottotheotter]

Wow man, so now she is actually cheating with your baby growing in her. Wow man, that is so wrong, the other guy is unbelievable too. How awful, but now she has really crossed a line in my opinion. (as far as how "I" feel) You do what God leads you to do, and Israel was FAR worse to God, and God always took them back. I am not going to be one to tell you what you should do, but if this was the case for me, I'd have to go. That's too much for me, I think. Until I'm in that situation I can't truly know, but the thought of another man with man wife, while my child is in her, always being there, it would be the end for me. By his grace I'd get the child, and I pray that I'd want the best for her too, but that would be it in my head in that situation. But the thing is, what I think means nothing. You follow Jesus brother, and I will pray for peace and guidance in this crazy time. My heart is with you man, and even in the storm Jesus is great.

Yes, it is hard. I will hold on as long as I am married. If/When we get divorced i will chose to move on. It has not been easy to think about and sometimes i have a hard time getting to sleep. I know God is here and has a plan and I have to remind myself that often.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Otto, do you have any contact with her at all? How does she feel about you moving closer to where she is? I ask because she may turn around and say that you're stalking her, and get you in trouble.

 

[Ottotheotter]

Otto, do you have any contact with her at all? How does she feel about you moving closer to where she is? I ask because she may turn around and say that you're stalking her, and get you in trouble.

Blue,

Yes, i do have contact with her. She wants me to move close to her. Because she doesn't want to live over here anymore. She can live free with her mom and have a "new Life" without anyone knowing what she has/is doing. She wants me to be there for the baby, so at least that is good, i just really don't want to move. She also doesn't know many people down there and wasn't close to her mom until she moved there recently.

 

[blue_ladybug]

What state do you live in, and what state is she in now? It's good that you are both maintaining contact and that she wants you near her. Maybe this move would be good for both of you.

I guess the question now is, which desire is stronger? The one to be near her and the baby or the one for not wanting to move?

 

[Ottotheotter]

What state do you live in, and what state is she in now? It's good that you are both maintaining contact and that she wants you near her. Maybe this move would be good for both of you.

I guess the question now is, which desire is stronger? The one to be near her and the baby or the one for not wanting to move?

I live in Washington State and she live in Cali but right near the beach so it's expensive. I believe it would be best for the baby to be raised in WA.

at least the cheater doesn't live close to her for now. But he doesn't have a job so probably densest have money to move.

Obviously I am going to be wherever My baby is because family comes first. But i'm hoping we can either get back together or win primary custody. But i am also prepared to move to Cali (not a huge fan of cali though)

 

[Silverwings]

Wow you sound like you're taking this wayy too personal for a random user commenting.

You and op know each other?

Or are you implementing your own pass hurts on the topic?

She (Blueladybug ) is a long time member, and is answering just like everyone else , I do not understand your comments?

 

[Lightskin]

Hello,
My wife 24F and I 25M have been trying to have a baby.. She was so excited for us to start a family and telling church friends about it...I love her and was wanting a baby as well... Right after she got pregnant she met this guy online on a game...I felt like we were both happy and just 1 day out of no where she just flipped. She started to act very unlike her and crazy, within 2 weeks of talking to him she told me she loved him and she wanted a divorce and had bought a plane ticket to visit him.. Then a week later she found out she was pregnant...she is making crazy choices she would have never done before. Every day I could get a happy or very mad wife. A little back story is she has had a rough past with 20 plus foster homes. I personally think her issues are with her past or pregnancy hormones.. I'm not a perfect man but I try and be the best husband I can. I'm drop dead in love with her. Her grandma made her refund the tickets thankfully. This guy smokes, has no job and lives with his mom and is not a citizen. im shocked and confused.. I have been reading and applying to my life the love dare book from fireproof .. We get along but it's killing me she has another man and I don't know what I did wrong, she tells everyone a different story and can't keep her lies straight. Any advice, really want my wife back and I am heart broken and depressed ... I told the baby doctor about the erratic behavior and they signed us up for counseling.. She had previously refused to go, I'm glad she convinced her but she is very unwilling to try anything . I have been in talk with our pastor and he has helped me, she won't talk with him... Now she is even questioning her faith and she is a good Christian woman. Should I continue to be nice and do everything I can for her?
It's been the worst month or so of my life and sad she is unwilling to work on our marriage.. I don't want a split family and still in love with my wife.

She is never going to have a stable, long lasting home until she confronts the difficulties of her childhood, which she has yet to do. My prayers of God’s guidance, comfort and peace be upon you today and always.

 

[A-Fool-For-God]

Man document all this skank's misdeeds and make sure you get 100% custody of your baby! The kid will suffer if they live with a woman this messed up. You sound like a good dude, who is at least doing stuff with his life so just man up keep working and make sure you get full custody, the kids still have a decent future that way living with a strong man. Praise Jesus if you do, and pity for the much hell your immediate future will be if you don't.

 

[tasha66]

I've been in the counselling game a very long time, and believe me, many, many couples IMO that go to counselling already have a marriage that is over.
Your marriage is definitely over and you are hanging on because it's all you know and for this wee baby. It is comforting hanging onto what we know, when we know deep down that some things are better let go.
Seriously, she is using you as a safety net probably in case things don't work out, and holding over you the fact that she is pregnant. And like another OP said, how do you know this child is yours?? This is hurtful to consider, but you already said she was unstable beforehand, and cheaters NEVER just cheat with one person, whether they are married or not.
I wouldn't move near her as she knows she can command what she wants you to do. It will be worse seeing/contacting her every day, and all the hurt will come back. I'd personally just let her go, and get on with your life. What about YOUR health and what this is doing to you? You have to move, you have to pay to move, you have to find somewhere etc etc. What about your own mental health?
And I do think sometimes people use the excuse that 'God has a plan for them' to hold onto something that is obviously not going to work.
I would seriously look at getting your wife scheduled into a mental health unit - the police (in our country; don't know about yours) can do this& take her to Emergency to get assessed, as she's displaying bizarre behaviour. If she's this labile (her moods are up & down all the time) & unpredictable, (meeting and falling in love with internet strangers after 2 weeks was it), she will end up harming her child at some stage. Is she drinking on the side or taking drugs you don't know about? She might need to be assessed for some sort of mood stabiliser, though this would have to be taken into consideration with her pregnancy.
I say all of this with concern not only for your health but hers & the baby: get her scheduled ASAP, get DNA testing for the child and if it is yours, then apply for custody of this child after it's born. This child will be in danger with this woman if you do leave it with her, I can tell you now. I've heard and dealt with people with these very similar stories like this in my career, and some of them have had very tragic consequences through no tough action being taken. And tough, loving action is what you need in this case.
I say this with love: she is seriously leading you on & playing you for a fool, and playing upon your Christian nature, as you are forgiving her bad behaviour at every turn. Even Jesus was hard towards people like the tax collectors, I believe. You can't just keep forgiving extremely labile & very bad behaviour at every turn. With kids we don't do that - they get a suitable punishement, and kids grow up better for having known boundaries.
She knows there are no boundaries with you, so she just thinks oh well he's there - I'll just use him.
Also enlist the help of everybody and the police & legal services. If she is being irresponsible during pregnancy, what will she be like as a Mum? She can also be charged and jailed with child endangerment as well just being pregnant. She needs a strong advocate for that baby. God knows what she is doing to herself and that baby, but I really hope & pray that it is safe.
I do feel for you really but I need to say this up front: this situation is over and it is not about you or your wife anymore - it's about that baby and keeping it safe.
I hope something good comes out of it all for you, I really do.

 

[Ottotheotter]

I've been in the counselling game a very long time, and believe me, many, many couples IMO that go to counselling already have a marriage that is over.
Your marriage is definitely over and you are hanging on because it's all you know and for this wee baby. It is comforting hanging onto what we know, when we know deep down that some things are better let go.
Seriously, she is using you as a safety net probably in case things don't work out, and holding over you the fact that she is pregnant. And like another OP said, how do you know this child is yours?? This is hurtful to consider, but you already said she was unstable beforehand, and cheaters NEVER just cheat with one person, whether they are married or not.
I wouldn't move near her as she knows she can command what she wants you to do. It will be worse seeing/contacting her every day, and all the hurt will come back. I'd personally just let her go, and get on with your life. What about YOUR health and what this is doing to you? You have to move, you have to pay to move, you have to find somewhere etc etc. What about your own mental health?
And I do think sometimes people use the excuse that 'God has a plan for them' to hold onto something that is obviously not going to work.
I would seriously look at getting your wife scheduled into a mental health unit - the police (in our country; don't know about yours) can do this& take her to Emergency to get assessed, as she's displaying bizarre behaviour. If she's this labile (her moods are up & down all the time) & unpredictable, (meeting and falling in love with internet strangers after 2 weeks was it), she will end up harming her child at some stage. Is she drinking on the side or taking drugs you don't know about? She might need to be assessed for some sort of mood stabiliser, though this would have to be taken into consideration with her pregnancy.
I say all of this with concern not only for your health but hers & the baby: get her scheduled ASAP, get DNA testing for the child and if it is yours, then apply for custody of this child after it's born. This child will be in danger with this woman if you do leave it with her, I can tell you now. I've heard and dealt with people with these very similar stories like this in my career, and some of them have had very tragic consequences through no tough action being taken. And tough, loving action is what you need in this case.
I say this with love: she is seriously leading you on & playing you for a fool, and playing upon your Christian nature, as you are forgiving her bad behaviour at every turn. Even Jesus was hard towards people like the tax collectors, I believe. You can't just keep forgiving extremely labile & very bad behaviour at every turn. With kids we don't do that - they get a suitable punishement, and kids grow up better for having known boundaries.
She knows there are no boundaries with you, so she just thinks oh well he's there - I'll just use him.
Also enlist the help of everybody and the police & legal services. If she is being irresponsible during pregnancy, what will she be like as a Mum? She can also be charged and jailed with child endangerment as well just being pregnant. She needs a strong advocate for that baby. God knows what she is doing to herself and that baby, but I really hope & pray that it is safe.
I do feel for you really but I need to say this up front: this situation is over and it is not about you or your wife anymore - it's about that baby and keeping it safe.
I hope something good comes out of it all for you, I really do.

Thanks for your input and tips. I have to be there for the child birth. I am not moving, just will be temporarily staying until the birth of our child. Cali doesn't allow DNA testing until birth so also going to do that. But i believe that the child is mine. My wife is hot and cold. She was crazy in love with me, then the next day crazy for this other guy.

I do agree that she is using me, but i also have that voice in my head saying be nice to women and your wife. She holds information on baby appointments and its hard to get any information out of her. For a while she would just message me randomly about how terrible I am. Because i got a lawyer etc. She has been spreading lies that i'm perverted and I am not.

She recently burned her arm and messaged me for a few days. I believe it's just because she knows i'll be nice to her. Then after it got better she stopped and was distant again.

But i do have a lawyer and have documented 250 screenshots and videos for this. I hope i get custody. But I do not i will have to move. I need to be there for my family and kid. I don't feel like I need to move on yet, i'm still hurting over the relationship and I have agreed to myself i will fight until/if we get a divorce. But i do still need to be smart.

She has never drank or smoked before so i do not believe she has done anything like that thankfully.

I truly pray i can get custody. It will be very tough living down there when i don't know anyone and have to deal with her and her mom.

 

[tasha66]

Mate....she's sending you photos of her burned arm, then stops messaging you.
She's screwing around on you.
She's spreading lies saying you are perverted, which you deny.
You also don't know she is not doing drugs or drinking etc, just because she didn't before hand.
Your giving into her is enabling behaviour, and she is guilting you into alot of things.
She SERIOUSLY needs help as she has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. She needs to be locked up for assessment and to get help.
That child is in danger I tell you. I so pray that baby turns out OK.
It's always easier to stay in a toxic, comfortable situation by someone you think you know, than to admit the truth that someone has rejected not only you, but your whole way of life (ie: being Christian).
I hope your mental health isn't suffering, because physical problems will follow it - nobody can tolerate ongoing stress without inevitable consequences.
Do you also realise that that baby could get an STD if your wife isn't being careful because she is sleeping around? That is classed as child endangerment. STDs can cause serious problems with babies before & after birth - gonorrhoea alone can be passed onto a baby and can cause severe eye infections, even blindness for example. HIV/AIDs as well is very serious too.
Seriously, I hope you wake up, and get her scheduled for some help and to keep that child safe.

 

[tasha66]

Please, please do not give advice um ever again. Thanks

It always astounds me as someone who has cared for many, MANY abused wee babies, children, young adults AND adults that people continue to sympathise/empathise with the exremely bad behaviour of adults on these forums, yet have no regard whatsoever for the children, or baby in this particular situation.
You have no right to tell someone who is only stating the bald facts about this appalling situation, that she cannot give advice - despite your personal situation.
The father needs to wake up and realise that this is not his problem - it's the problem of the authorities and everybody else to get this baby into a safe place, such as a locked mental health unit. His wife needs to be reported to the proper authorities, but he is still hoping for a resolution or some sort of reconciliation, and it is plain that this is a toxic situation where this isn't going to happen. What sort of mother will she be if she's acting irrationally now? She will probably lose her temper one day after the baby is born, and end up seriously injuring it, or killing the baby in a fit of lability. The mother he states is also sleeping around, potentially exposing her unborn baby to very serious and deadly STDs/STIs.
This situation is NOT about the father OR the mother - it's about a helpless baby, which has no advocate for it, and which cannot defend itself.
Does none of that concern you??
Child protection is everybody's business and both of the adults involved are not being mature, or opening their eyes to the fact that this situation is not about them anymore.
I will never stop advocating for kids, even if I offend people on here, as I've seen and heard too much heart ache and yes, have had to deal with parents who's children have been kidnapped by one parent, or murdered due to these types of situations.
This is a highly toxic situation, and I pray fervently that the father sees sense to report this silly, immature and extremely irresponsible woman. She just doesn't give a c**p and that is all there is to it - she's only thinking of herself. which is extremely narcissistic and selfish.

BTW what does '....do not ever give advice again um ever again. thanks' .You say 'um', then you say thanks for insulting someone? Were you having 2nd thoughts as you typed it??
Unbelievable.

 

[Silverwings]

Please, please do not give advice um ever again. Thanks

Gee whiz, lady , who made you the expert?

 

[FleeJenn]

Hello,
My wife 24F and I 25M have been trying to have a baby.. She was so excited for us to start a family and telling church friends about it...I love her and was wanting a baby as well... Right after she got pregnant she met this guy online on a game...I felt like we were both happy and just 1 day out of no where she just flipped. She started to act very unlike her and crazy, within 2 weeks of talking to him she told me she loved him and she wanted a divorce and had bought a plane ticket to visit him.. Then a week later she found out she was pregnant...she is making crazy choices she would have never done before. Every day I could get a happy or very mad wife. A little back story is she has had a rough past with 20 plus foster homes. I personally think her issues are with her past or pregnancy hormones.. I'm not a perfect man but I try and be the best husband I can. I'm drop dead in love with her. Her grandma made her refund the tickets thankfully. This guy smokes, has no job and lives with his mom and is not a citizen. im shocked and confused.. I have been reading and applying to my life the love dare book from fireproof .. We get along but it's killing me she has another man and I don't know what I did wrong, she tells everyone a different story and can't keep her lies straight. Any advice, really want my wife back and I am heart broken and depressed ... I told the baby doctor about the erratic behavior and they signed us up for counseling.. She had previously refused to go, I'm glad she convinced her but she is very unwilling to try anything . I have been in talk with our pastor and he has helped me, she won't talk with him... Now she is even questioning her faith and she is a good Christian woman. Should I continue to be nice and do everything I can for her?
It's been the worst month or so of my life and sad she is unwilling to work on our marriage.. I don't want a split family and still in love with my wife.

I must believe that you are indeed a born again Christian and know the savior. If you are, and if you are Holy Spirit baptized then begin to pray in the spirit and fast.

This is a spiritual matter and not some pseudo medical/mental issue.

As hard as things are you must do everything you can to give her over into the arms of Jesus. She is young and not as close to God as she might believe.

The common thought is "I must do something". God will be the one that must do something. You must press in with prayer as never before.

 

[Butterflyyy]

Yes, it is hard. I will hold on as long as I am married. If/When we get divorced i will chose to move on. It has not been easy to think about and sometimes i have a hard time getting to sleep. I know God is here and has a plan and I have to remind myself that often.

Cast your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you.... He will sustain you dear brother ... do not be anxious about anything but through prayer with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus...
I think it is wonderful how you have been seeking wise counsel the best you can on this forum and it is good and wise to stay close to God's people- you need that... I hope you have mature Christians you can trust around you where you live... to pray with you and for you... keep close to the Lord and strong in Him... lean hard on Him...and remember.... Wait on the Lord, Rest in Him and Be still and Know that He is God....
May the Lord bless you, and keep you, and give you peace....
If you ask Him for wisdom He will give it....
Make sure there is nothing hindering your prayers spiritually.... ask Him if there is so that your prayers will be effective....
All the trials we believers go through in this life will be worth it one day and we know that He works all things together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes.

 

[IFOLLOWHIM]

I wish to interject my own thoughts here!
I am considered an " old woman" by someone your age!
Through many years ,I have learned one thing for certain" I can only exert control over my own actions! "
You CANNOT change anyone in any meaningful way! Accept that!
You alone can keep yourself close to God and in His will for your life. She has been damaged and I am sorry for her,but God alone is her only answer!
I applaud your desire to care for your child,and give it a good godly inspired life.
I will be praying for this whole situation,for I know it must be ripping away at your heart!
Stay strong in the Lord,hold to His unchanging hand,and trust Him completely!
Blessing in your life!

 

[Ottotheotter]

Cast your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you.... He will sustain you dear brother ... do not be anxious about anything but through prayer with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus...
I think it is wonderful how you have been seeking wise counsel the best you can on this forum and it is good and wise to stay close to God's people- you need that... I hope you have mature Christians you can trust around you where you live... to pray with you and for you... keep close to the Lord and strong in Him... lean hard on Him...and remember.... Wait on the Lord, Rest in Him and Be still and Know that He is God....
May the Lord bless you, and keep you, and give you peace....
If you ask Him for wisdom He will give it....
Make sure there is nothing hindering your prayers spiritually.... ask Him if there is so that your prayers will be effective....
All the trials we believers go through in this life will be worth it one day and we know that He works all things together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes.

I have been trying to stay close to my good christian friends. My pastor is coming over to pray with our family later this week. My friends are supportive but guys can be hard to show emotion so kinda just update them on whats going on.

I just need to trust in God, because i know he will provide for me. I still don't have a place to stay down there and a hotel and air B&B will be expensive. Keep me in your prayers that i can find a place to stay.

 

[Ottotheotter]

I wish to interject my own thoughts here!
I am considered an " old woman" by someone your age!
Through many years ,I have learned one thing for certain" I can only exert control over my own actions! "
You CANNOT change anyone in any meaningful way! Accept that!
You alone can keep yourself close to God and in His will for your life. She has been damaged and I am sorry for her,but God alone is her only answer!
I applaud your desire to care for your child,and give it a good godly inspired life.
I will be praying for this whole situation,for I know it must be ripping away at your heart!
Stay strong in the Lord,hold to His unchanging hand,and trust Him completely!
Blessing in your life!

I talked to my wife on the phone today for the first time in months. She was being more polite than she has been recently. It hurts that she still wants a divorce ASAP. I wish that she would just sign for separation so we can work on us.

I don't think she understands divorce. On the phone i told her I want to do a bunch of guy stuff like camping. She replied with "we will have to go when there isn't a lot of bugs) Why would you want to camp with your Ex-Husband.

Then i said i was going to bring our baby disc golfing with me and just push the stroller with my discs in it. She replied "i can push the stroller and you can throw".

I have been super nice to her even though she is still messaging the other cheater guy. But if she finalizes the divorce i don't think she understands that we will no longer be "hanging out" together.

I pray she will reconsider the divorce. Even though i think she already singed my separation papers divorce

I know there is still time before its finalized. When i go down there in a couple weeks I pray she will remember the man I am and how important family is and stop communication with men outside her marriage. I still have hope and pray for us everyday.