Why is parenting so difficult? My mother says I'm a horrible mom.

[Beckie]

As for your Mom . The Scriptures tell us to honor our parents it doesn't say only when they as they should be. I would make myself scarce, with out being disrespectful. Your first priority is to your own home.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I'd suggest, as others have, getting some professional help.

Kids manipulate because they've found its what works for them. I grew up as a manipulative kid and didn't realize it till I was an adult and still manipulating. I was the youngest and quietest of 4. My siblings were all older, louder and more willing to speak up. I found I had to use other means to get things, hence the manipulation.

Also, when I was maybe 5-ish I'm told I suddenly stopped eating. I'd eat half a bologna sandwich a day and nothing else. I was in and out of hospitals getting all kinds of testing. After a year I snapped out of it. No cause was ever found.
The doctors told my parents to give me anything I asked for any time I wanted to eat, since I wasn't eating enough.
I was a picky eater, still am at 46. My parents tried the "no leaving the table till you finish everything" tactic all the time. Issue was, I just actually didn't like those things, and still don't.

As a parent you, no doubt, want to be able to solve all this on your own, but that's not what's always best. Sometimes it's better to go to outside sources for help and ideas.
So find a counselor or psychologist. Get a doctor involved. Maybe a nutritionist too. Find out what you're dealing with and the best plan on how to go about it.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

Im not criticizing you. It's none of my business if Dad is around.
It's been my experience as a teacher and growing up in a broken home that t of the biggest challenges raising strong willed children are....
A. Both parents aren't home, but work outside the home. Junior is with others through the day.
B. Mom and dad divorced and Mom is trying to fill the role of Mom And Dad. OR
C. Dad is permissive and needs biblical training with regards to that. Biblical training is what he needs, Not psychological training from a counseling center that teaches Time Out (B.F. Skinner Behavioral models). "Professionals are called that because they get paid and have some state certification, not because they are much help.

A "father figure" isn't the answer IMHO for a few reasons. I only bring that up because lot's of single moms are looking for that. It's none of my business if that's the case or not.
No need to go there.

Your mother sounds like she speaks her mind, even if she is just speaking from frustration. Easier said than done, but don't take it too personal even though it is. People think and say things at times that they never think the rest of the time. When she's not stressed, maybe she would calmly and kindly offer advice on child rearing. It may or may not be helpful. At least you'll know what's bothering her. Perhaps she never had a child, like your siblings, who was strong willed.

Do you have a home church?

 

[blueluna5]

Knowing it is not always possible but staying home raising our kids is the most important career a person can have. Sounds like a very smart 4 year old. Who sees you leave him most days to take care of other kids.
My, 'take care of your own kids' lesson was learned. I come home from work Suzanne the baby sitter said Beckie you did not tell me Johnny could walk. You can never get back first steps or any other firsts.
Talking 50+ years ago most stuff was not so expensive as to day. As a family we did not have the big toys our friends had , Did not have a new car etc.
If i could go back years i would make less demands on the kids but make the demands stick. We did not have a picky eater not even close. As said above be comfortable he is medically okay then put the rules in action. The 1 year old is watching and learning.

I've been home with him a lot because of covid and it still didn't help. I thought him being so little it would be fine. However he's an extrovert and did not do well. I still remember the first time he saw florescent lights. He was asking me why the floor looked so strange. It was really sad.

Obviously that's an extreme example but I don't think he would do well with homeschool or being with me all the time. He loves going to school and being with kids. He does well with the structure and he learns quickly. He gets bored easily. Plus he behaves better around other kids.

Believe me I would have loved to homeschool him and keep him here, but its just not the best thing for him.

I definitely worry my little one is watching him. He eats everything right now and hasn't had any of the strange texture issues as my first. It's night and day difference right now in that regard.

 

[Beckie]

You know your child best. Please do your best to not let anyone tell yo to drug him. IF a trusted doctor says to drug him get at least one 'second' opinion. Not speaking of meds but the beavour drugs. My 2 kids as different as night and day. We learned early on at time out for Jr caused trouble... running laps in the back yard pulling weed. anything but 'time out . Baby girl time outs were a wonderful rest for her... Old great grandma here also believes a swift swat to the back side.

 

[Genipher]

Totally agree with you. I told my son from a very small age whatever he does not finish at a meal will be served the next meal until he finishes it. My child's doctor told me that you never negotiate with a child. My boy tried it once or twice and then he saw I was serious and he started eating everything I put on the plate.

I remember eating vegetable soup for breakfast because my mom had that same rule. She only had to enforce it once because caught on quick. Lol. She was, however, merciful in allowing us kids to have 2 food items we just didn't like. Mine were tomatoes and onions, which I grew to love when my tastes matured as an adult.

 

[blueluna5]

Im not criticizing you. It's none of my business if Dad is around.
It's been my experience as a teacher and growing up in a broken home that t of the biggest challenges raising strong willed children are....
A. Both parents aren't home, but work outside the home. Junior is with others through the day.
B. Mom and dad divorced and Mom is trying to fill the role of Mom And Dad. OR
C. Dad is permissive and needs biblical training with regards to that. Biblical training is what he needs, Not psychological training from a counseling center that teaches Time Out (B.F. Skinner Behavioral models). "Professionals are called that because they get paid and have some state certification, not because they are much help.

A "father figure" isn't the answer IMHO for a few reasons. I only bring that up because lot's of single moms are looking for that. It's none of my business if that's the case or not.
No need to go there.

Your mother sounds like she speaks her mind, even if she is just speaking from frustration. Easier said than done, but don't take it too personal even though it is. People think and say things at times that they never think the rest of the time. When she's not stressed, maybe she would calmly and kindly offer advice on child rearing. It may or may not be helpful. At least you'll know what's bothering her. Perhaps she never had a child, like your siblings, who was strong willed.

Do you have a home church?

Thankfully his father is around. I would never describe my husband as permissive. The men in his family are all police, prison guards, and military. His family was pretty strict. We're more in the middle with our kids though. My son listens better to my husband.

He was mostly with me bc of covid with the exception of last year being in preschool. It was only half day though since my husband works nights. This year he'll be at prek all day so we'll see how that goes. He loves school so far so hopefully well.

Time Out worked when he was 2. As soon as he turned 3 he didn't care about it. He'd even put himself there independently when he did something wrong. He has a speech delay. He actually didn't even talk until close to 3. When he started talking it was in complete sentences. So at 2 I didn't know how much he understood and let a lot slide. He's also very hyper and impulsive. Currently my 1 year old has 2 bruises on his face from him. It's not on purpose, but he doesn't know how to be gentle. He talks kindly to him and plays mostly well for a 4 year old. I don't know how much he's able to control and what he can't. His number 1 rule is to listen the first time... you know not the 5th. It's just so frustrating.

 

[Lanolin]

Sounds like it might be an allergy issue or intolerance ? Maybe to gluten? Pizza has wheat (gluten?)
If its not that then its probably just the pizza topping.

I know with kids at school when they get their free pizzas I ask them what topping they will like because they will NOT eat a topping they are wary of and will pick it off the pizza or not even eat it.

If you are making pizza just order one with cheese and no other topping (or just have ONE topping) because kids cant really handle too many textures or flavours at once. Keep it simple. You can make kids size pizzas that is just THEIR special pizza.

at that age I dont think many kids are good at sharing. They also need their own little portions. Not too big, if they like it they can have more but just start with small, like bite size. Its daunting for a 4 year old to have to eat a whole plate of food or be forced to just to make someone else happy. Their tummies arent THAT big.

 

[Lanolin]

what does he eat btw

Is it like Temple Grandin only eating Jello. But then she had sensory issues/autism. It seems children with that can only handle ONE thing at a time.

they dont seem to like anything scratchy?
other thing is maybe you could make eating time fun. Like have a blind taste test and guess what food it is (just one mouthful) and then have a reward for eating it - treat eating like an experiment?

some parents make their food attractive into shapes or whatever. I dont think I would go that far but thats the rationale behind lollies in different shapes. You not just eating a gum...its a gummie BEAR.

Or maybe make the goal to eat a food of each colour? Then you could do the reward chart or whatver if he responds to that kind of behavioural intervention. I think thats what weight watchers do they assign points to food. But then they also weigh themselves all the time lol

 

[blueluna5]

what does he eat btw

Is it like Temple Grandin only eating Jello. But then she had sensory issues/autism. It seems children with that can only handle ONE thing at a time.

they dont seem to like anything scratchy?
other thing is maybe you could make eating time fun. Like have a blind taste test and guess what food it is (just one mouthful) and then have a reward for eating it - treat eating like an experiment?

some parents make their food attractive into shapes or whatever. I dont think I would go that far but thats the rationale behind lollies in different shapes. You not just eating a gum...its a gummie BEAR.

Or maybe make the goal to eat a food of each colour? Then you could do the reward chart or whatver if he responds to that kind of behavioural intervention. I think thats what weight watchers do they assign points to food. But then they also weigh themselves all the time lol

He'll eat normal kid foods now as long as they're separated including different utensils. He would only be eating cookies if I let him eat whatever. He threw up for literally every food he tried even yogurt, applesauce, chicken nuggets. Didn't matter.

Making the food attractive is a good idea... granted exhausting but if it helps I'll bite. I did make him green eggs and ham and he ate it. Which...I personally find disgusting. 😆 that was how I got him to eat eggs and ham. I cut the crust off for sandwiches but making shapes might help.

Rewards typically don't help for my kid unfortunately. We typically do the you get dessert when finished though so that counts. We've done treasure chests, lollipop or candy, Going somewhere fun. Right now he's "working" for a stretchy guy toy. He has to be good all week. I personally think it makes him entitled and bc he already has so much he doesn't care. He'll just say "oh well I'll try again next week." So he's limited with rewards before we "give it to charity." It gets pretty ridiculous.

 

[TheNarrowPath]

He'll eat normal kid foods now as long as they're separated including different utensils. He would only be eating cookies if I let him eat whatever. He threw up for literally every food he tried even yogurt, applesauce, chicken nuggets. Didn't matter.

Making the food attractive is a good idea... granted exhausting but if it helps I'll bite. I did make him green eggs and ham and he ate it. Which...I personally find disgusting. 😆 that was how I got him to eat eggs and ham. I cut the crust off for sandwiches but making shapes might help.

Rewards typically don't help for my kid unfortunately. We typically do the you get dessert when finished though so that counts. We've done treasure chests, lollipop or candy, Going somewhere fun. Right now he's "working" for a stretchy guy toy. He has to be good all week. I personally think it makes him entitled and bc he already has so much he doesn't care. He'll just say "oh well I'll try again next week." So he's limited with rewards before we "give it to charity." It gets pretty ridiculous.

Keep at it, trust me it makes a difference, whatever advice you take, its something and as tired as it makes you, it will get easier.

 

[MsMediator]

Is your son involved in any hobbies? I find the "happy" kids seem usually involved in various hobbies they like (judging from my coworkers' kids); I think if you get him into a happy mood he will be more compliant. For instance, my coworker (a guy) has a great easygoing child; my coworker was very involved in raising him like enrolling him in swim and baseball teams, taking him on outdoor activities, etc. It is also good for the child to be around other "role model" kids.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I've been home with him a lot because of covid and it still didn't help. I thought him being so little it would be fine. However he's an extrovert and did not do well. I still remember the first time he saw florescent lights. He was asking me why the floor looked so strange. It was really sad.

Obviously that's an extreme example but I don't think he would do well with homeschool or being with me all the time. He loves going to school and being with kids. He does well with the structure and he learns quickly. He gets bored easily. Plus he behaves better around other kids.

Believe me I would have loved to homeschool him and keep him here, but its just not the best thing for him.

I definitely worry my little one is watching him. He eats everything right now and hasn't had any of the strange texture issues as my first. It's night and day difference right now in that regard.

Have you spoken to a pediatrician about potential problems with his throat etc? His food issues seem extreme even for a very picky eater with a stubborn temperament.

Also, is he ADHD? Have you spoken to a pediatrician about that?


Stubborn children - especially stubborn boys - can be nearly impossible to deal with. To this day I am still amazed I made it through the first 13 years of my son's life. I was sure it would have killed me.

All it is in the end is trial and error. Once you find something that works just stick with it.

I really wondered sometimes if my son was Satan in the flesh he could be so hard. But a magical thing happened and he grew up. Best teenager a mom could ever hope for. Like literally. All the normal teenage problems most parents have I never once had to deal with.

My daughter was the opposite. When she was little she was my perfect angel. Sweet, loving caring kind. Then she got puberty and all bets were off. Worst and most difficult teenage years ever.

So just figure, if you can get through the bad part with your son now, your home free. Trust me, it's better for them to be difficult when they are little and you can still pick them up then it will be when they are older.

Count yourself lucky... lol.

 

[Lanolin]

maybe he likes frozen foods

I read on the other forum that people freeze their cookies (and pizza)

sounds odd to me but apparently thats how food is served in the US. Cooked, frozen, then thawed out?!

Maybe it kills the germs I dunno.

 

[Lanolin]

Or maybe he DOESNT like frozen foods.

Sorry am getting mixed up with another thread. But I would throw up too if I had to eat a frozen TV dinner.

 

[Billyd]

Or maybe he DOESNT like frozen foods.

Sorry am getting mixed up with another thread. But I would throw up too if I had to eat a frozen TV dinner.

Quality of so call TV dinners varies. When you get to our age, cooking a full meal every day is a waste. We select the ones we like. We nuke them. Eat them. Recycle the plastic.

 

[Lanolin]

sounds disgusting.

I dont think thats nutritious for a child. This child is 4 years old. He needs the best nutrition he can get not nuked food with zero vitamins. Or cereal with sugar on it.

Sorry. and what do you mean 'our age'.

We are talking about families here of all different ages and some children not eating. This is serious. If children dont eat properly they will die or not develop to their best. They will get diabetes, heart diesease, cancer or other problems.

 

[Lanolin]

dont ever put plastic in the microwave either it will leach into your food.

If you are going to reheat something, use a proper ceramic dish or paper.

 

[Billyd]

The hazardous additives to microwave safe plastics have been banned in the US for several years now.

Children of all ages need regular (three per day), nutritious meals, served with the family at the dining table. Meals begin with prayer, and are served from food placed on the table. This food may be fresh, frozen, or canned. It can be prepared in many different ways. The key is everyone is at the table, at the same time every meal, every day.

Every child has food preferences, and dislikes. Respect the child's desires.

If you want your child to eat better, make sure that he gets enough exercise to be hungry at meal time.

 

[blueluna5]

Have you spoken to a pediatrician about potential problems with his throat etc? His food issues seem extreme even for a very picky eater with a stubborn temperament.

Also, is he ADHD? Have you spoken to a pediatrician about that?


Stubborn children - especially stubborn boys - can be nearly impossible to deal with. To this day I am still amazed I made it through the first 13 years of my son's life. I was sure it would have killed me.

All it is in the end is trial and error. Once you find something that works just stick with it.

I really wondered sometimes if my son was Satan in the flesh he could be so hard. But a magical thing happened and he grew up. Best teenager a mom could ever hope for. Like literally. All the normal teenage problems most parents have I never once had to deal with.

My daughter was the opposite. When she was little she was my perfect angel. Sweet, loving caring kind. Then she got puberty and all bets were off. Worst and most difficult teenage years ever.

So just figure, if you can get through the bad part with your son now, your home free. Trust me, it's better for them to be difficult when they are little and you can still pick them up then it will be when they are older.

Count yourself lucky... lol.

Very helpful, thank you so much!

Your comment about wondering if he was Satan in the flesh made me laugh. We've all been there. I use to think I was such a nice person before I had kids. 😆

He definitely has adhd. It runs on both my husband and my side so I'm familiar with it. We both have it. I didn't have the hyper part though. Today for example my son had swim lessons and then went to a 4 hour birthday party with constant running. I still had a hard time getting him to sit still at 8 for books. He jumps literally , but will summarize the story each time.

I'm undecided about having him tested for it as he's so young. I'm not comfortable with medication for kids, unless it's unavoidable. So I'm not sure what to do about that.

I plan on talking to his doctor about him possibly being tongue tied. I remember them mentioning it when he was a newborn but saying it was so slight it would be fine. Now I'm thinking maybe that has been our food issues and speech problems the whole time. It's just so strange because he learns so quickly (which is good bc I only have 2 seconds to show him) but no matter how much he talks it barely gets better. He looks like he's trying to talk out the side of his mouth. So I'll ask about that... which is a huge frustration in our house.

Hopefully he's like your son and the best teenager. I would definitely accept the trouble now over when he's taller than me!🤣