What to do if your partner does not seek marriage

[christian74]

It is indeed little vague, and it would be helpful to know in what age bracket you two are situated. Just judging from your story, chances are that he's not willing to commit - he's comfortable the way things are right now, enjoying the benefit of having a girlfriend but has no desire to commit his life into yours. If you two are well into late 20's and into 30's and he gets defensive w/ topic of marriage, it's very possible he's not ready to commit or has no intention of marrying you (or maybe he does consider the possibility - but if that is the case, it doesn't seem like he's in love with you as much as you are with him - is it worth it?). If that is the case, you do need to sit down with him and let him know your intention clearly - and need to make some hard decision BECAUSE situation like this gets uglier and more costly on your end as time goes by if you are the only one thinking about getting married. Take courage and may God direct your step.

 

[ajc2020]

Thank you all for the responses. I have been busy with work lately and I could not seem to reply to the comments one by one.

Here are some of the deets. I just recently graduated post-graduate school (was in college for 8 years) and currently doing a residency in one of the medical centers here in NV. I am 25, so basically I was barely 20yo when we first started dating. Most of those 5 years that we were together were actually the busiest time of my life too due to school plus residency. Looking back, I guess that’s one of the factors why we ended up not talking about this matter because we always brush off the serious talk and rather spend the time together than argue about that particular subject. I acknowledge my wrong for not being strong enough to talk about it.

He was born out of a teenage relationship, parents ended up marrying other people and him living with his grandma his entire life. He clearly has issues about the concept of a whole family because he never had one. I understand that fact, although I could not understand why does he not want complete family for himself and his future kids. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against broken families and I would never know how it’s like because I never experienced it. He also told me that he does not believe in marriage because it’s only a piece of paper and he would always say “What happens when a married couple divorce”. That specific statement just makes me think that he is thinking about divorce already. I dont know why he said that, possibly because he never had a role model of a good marriage in his life. So yeah, I only have speculations on what might be the reasons why he does not want to get married. I definitely have to talk to him soon. Hopefully when we see each other in person. I dont want to do it over the phone either because it’s not fair for him or myself.

He has a stable job and income; however he is the breadwinner of his family (he sends $$ back home for sibling’s college tuition, etc).
I already accepted the fact that his responsibilities to his family will never go away. I dont think that is a factor for me because I dont mind helping his family. Biggest thing is that I was raised with values and beliefs that I should not live with someone if we’re not married, more so have children. My fault too because we do have sex, and that probably makes him think that I’m okay with that set up. Again, those are just my personal values and I do not speak for anyone but myself.

We are happy and in love. But I dont want to be someone as what some people call a “test drive”. I also know that I will not be that person to change his beliefs. I am willing to talk about it and see what happens. If he does not give me a clear answer, I’m surrendering everything to God and pray that He takes my worries away, let alone take me away from an impending heartbreak.

Thank y’all and please pray for me to have a clear thinking and just give it all to Him. 😊

 

[1christian1]

I think this is a good ideal to live by as a woman who loves the Lord:

"But ladies... don't settle for a boy. Wait for a man who treats you like an investment, not a test drive. A man who looks beyond your outer beauty and falls in love with your inner soul. But most of all, a man who doesn't expect anything until he's given you everything. No man is perfect. But honor, integrity, respect, and the love of God are not optional for men, they are essential."

Amen Hallmark!

 

[1christian1]

It is indeed little vague, and it would be helpful to know in what age bracket you two are situated. Just judging from your story, chances are that he's not willing to commit - he's comfortable the way things are right now, enjoying the benefit of having a girlfriend but has no desire to commit his life into yours. If you two are well into late 20's and into 30's and he gets defensive w/ topic of marriage, it's very possible he's not ready to commit or has no intention of marrying you (or maybe he does consider the possibility - but if that is the case, it doesn't seem like he's in love with you as much as you are with him - is it worth it?). If that is the case, you do need to sit down with him and let him know your intention clearly - and need to make some hard decision BECAUSE situation like this gets uglier and more costly on your end as time goes by if you are the only one thinking about getting married. Take courage and may God direct your step.

My advice is that you watch that movie with Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck. If you have a relationship like there's. you could do she did. be bold enough to ask if she was worth it to him... If not ...

 

[Lynx]

In addition to understanding why marriage is not important to him, you also need to understand why it is important to you. You need to be able to articulate why it is mandatory in your eyes, something more than just "because that's the way it needs to be done." You need to understand this for your sake as well as for his.

 

[mailmandan]

One of the cornerstones of marriage is good communication.

Take it from someone who has been with his wife for 30 years. If communication breaks down then we break down.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Thank you all for the responses. I have been busy with work lately and I could not seem to reply to the comments one by one.

Here are some of the deets. I just recently graduated post-graduate school (was in college for 8 years) and currently doing a residency in one of the medical centers here in NV. I am 25, so basically I was barely 20yo when we first started dating. Most of those 5 years that we were together were actually the busiest time of my life too due to school plus residency. Looking back, I guess that’s one of the factors why we ended up not talking about this matter because we always brush off the serious talk and rather spend the time together than argue about that particular subject. I acknowledge my wrong for not being strong enough to talk about it.

He was born out of a teenage relationship, parents ended up marrying other people and him living with his grandma his entire life. He clearly has issues about the concept of a whole family because he never had one. I understand that fact, although I could not understand why does he not want complete family for himself and his future kids. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against broken families and I would never know how it’s like because I never experienced it. He also told me that he does not believe in marriage because it’s only a piece of paper and he would always say “What happens when a married couple divorce”. That specific statement just makes me think that he is thinking about divorce already. I dont know why he said that, possibly because he never had a role model of a good marriage in his life. So yeah, I only have speculations on what might be the reasons why he does not want to get married. I definitely have to talk to him soon. Hopefully when we see each other in person. I dont want to do it over the phone either because it’s not fair for him or myself.

He has a stable job and income; however he is the breadwinner of his family (he sends $$ back home for sibling’s college tuition, etc).
I already accepted the fact that his responsibilities to his family will never go away. I dont think that is a factor for me because I dont mind helping his family. Biggest thing is that I was raised with values and beliefs that I should not live with someone if we’re not married, more so have children. My fault too because we do have sex, and that probably makes him think that I’m okay with that set up. Again, those are just my personal values and I do not speak for anyone but myself.

We are happy and in love. But I dont want to be someone as what some people call a “test drive”. I also know that I will not be that person to change his beliefs. I am willing to talk about it and see what happens. If he does not give me a clear answer, I’m surrendering everything to God and pray that He takes my worries away, let alone take me away from an impending heartbreak.

Thank y’all and please pray for me to have a clear thinking and just give it all to Him. 😊

So he had a stand-in wife but if things go bad he can disappear, no divorce, no paperwork. This isn't a 'test drive' this is a 'why buy the cow when the milk is free'. He has everything without any real commitment on his part. Why marry?

He's got deep seated issues about marriage. If he were to actually deal with them, rather than bury them, it could take years to heal. And that's assuming he actually admits to a problem and is willing to actively work to get past it for years with a goal of learning to be open to marriage.

And you're right, he is thinking about divorce already. Not just thinking, anticipating. Once people anticipate that shows where their mind is and what they expect. And that shows how they'll be. If he anticipates divorce chances are if he marries he'll function as a person waiting for a failed marriage, and therefore won't work at it. Self fulfilling prophecy.

Of course every person is an individual and don't always follow the expected patterns, but he has a high probability to follow this course. You just have to ask yourself are you willing to invest more time in someone that may never come around? Or not for years? And bypass all that time in your life on the hope that someone will change in how you want them to? That they will heal by burying their head in the sand.
I've certainly made my choices to stick with people that were a risk for me. None paid off in the end. But i get the drive to do so. But it's at those moments we have to step out of emotion and think without that influence to see what's there.