What do you have to offer a potential spouse?

[Gojira]

I have been in something of a debate with another member here, and it raised this question.

We all know what we want in a mate. But... what do we have to offer? What are we willing to give? What bad habits or traits do we have that need reigning in? What positives do we know we have that will benefit a marriage?

Have we thought about what we are willing to do for a future mate at least somewhat as much as what we want from them?

My (general) answer...

I have not thought about this question as much as what I have thought about what I want. I guess because I was married, I know my strengths and weaknesses. And, despite all of that, the marriage was decent. But, there was certainly a lot of room for improvement. I still have sin, and I have some rough edges that need some sculpting.

On the positive side, I am physically / sexually faithful. I will do the dishes (if she cooks). I manage money well.

None of this is exhaustive. I'm not going to air all of my dirty laundry, nor will I do what might look like bragging about the positives I bring. I don't expect anyone else to do all of that either. I just thought some introspection and discussion on this topic might be beneficial.

 

[Westward]

I'm devastatingly handsome. I'm also one helluva cook.

 

[tourist]

I'm devastatingly handsome. I'm also one helluva cook.

That's a good start for sure.

 

[Westward]

That's a good start for sure.

Baby steps....

 

[MsMediator]

I tend to be a minimalist so I would not keep a cluttered home.

I care about cleanliness, both personal and space. (So, I would expect a spouse to care about personal hygiene, and I believe this is more of an issue for guys).

I don't have addictions (porn, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, drugs, etc.).

I am a critical thinker so I can help with his decisions/brainstorm with him.

 

[Lynx]

I don't have much to offer a spouse.

Fortunately I'm not looking for one.

 

[TheWriter]

What I bring to the table to a potential spouse? Potato’s, lots and lots of potato’s. You see where I am from potato chips rule!

she can choose her flavor, as long as it is BBQ then we got a deal to dip that chip in the same bowl together as we watch The Shack and hang out with my dog who snores.

All in all honest truth? respect, loyalty and it’s figuring out ways daily to make her smile as I find new ways to talk in love with her each and every very day in which that she deserves.

 

[George0115]

I might come off as a jerk at times, but I'm a gentleman. I know how to treat a woman. I joke too much, and that probably rubs people the wrong way. I thought women liked funny guys? Now what's up ladies? I called you out lol.

 

[HopeinHim98]

This is a very interesting thread and I applaud those of you brave enough to post lol.

 

[Gojira]

I'm devastatingly handsome. I'm also one helluva cook.

Excellent.

 

[Gojira]

All in all honest truth? respect, loyalty and it’s figuring out ways daily to make her smile as I find new ways to talk in love with her each and every very day in which that she deserves.

Marry me?

KIDDING

 

[Gojira]

I might come off as a jerk at times, but I'm a gentleman. I know how to treat a woman. I joke too much, and that probably rubs people the wrong way. I thought women liked funny guys? Now what's up ladies? I called you out lol.

Ooooo you gonna take that ladies?

 

[Kireina]

This is a serious matter lol 😅


Anyways I am not looking ☺️

But here's my answer... I've got nothing much to offer lol but I believe we can't be/we cant make someone happy or at our best all the time but I'll do my very best to make my husband happy day and night and night and day through our ups and downs and in the middle by the grace of the Lord Jesus 🙏🏻❤️

 

[seoulsearch]

I think topics likes this really put the spotlight on how tough the dating scene really is. This same question has come up at various times on the forum over the years, and I'm thinking of one time when a member tried asking what people had to offer, but it quickly dissolved into people stating what they wanted in someone else instead.

When I used to be on some of the Christian dating sites, I was frustrated because every profile I read was always about what someone WANTED, never what they had to give. This is a major reason as to why I'm single. When I was younger, it was older men who often tried to talk to me and their only interests were in what I could do for them, how I could make their life easier, how I could be an asset to them, and how I would take care of them as they got older. I can't remember a single one who asked me about what I wanted or hoped for in someone else.

Yet at the same time, how does one write out a personal resume about what we can offer someone that is enough to attract a potential mate, but restrained enough to keep us from sounding like a raging narcissist? I'm not quite sure, and so I seem to get stuck from either direction.

When I think of my own personal traits, I think of the fact that most everything about a person has the potential for both good and bad.

For example, I'm a very honest person. I can't lie or hide things because I feel like I"m going to burst. But that also means I can be very raw with my emotions. If I love a person to pieces at the moment, hopefully I will convey it enough. But if we've had a fight and I'm mad as a hornet's nest, don't expect me to hold back too many verbal punches (and yes, I can take them just as well -- but it might not be the healthiest coping mechanism in a relationship.) I'd through everything out and hash it through rather than hold things inside, which feels like an emotional ulcer to me.

My parents also raised me to be frugal and mindful of money. One of the tasks they assigned to me when I started working and started a checking account was that I had to balance it every month, and I would ask my Dad to double-check my work. This was back in the days when you didn't have online access to your account, and would receive paper statements in the mail.

I know there's always the stereotype that a woman will treat a man like an ATM, but somehow I've always wound up with the opposite -- guys who spent what they didn't have and used credit cards when the cash ran out. I couldn't live like that -- it would drive me absolutely bonkers. And another reason I'm single is because I'm used to having guys brush me off and ignore anything I say about money -- but then I'm expected to bail him out when he gets himself into trouble.

I've tried to further my financial education as much as I can, including joining two financial/investing chats which are almost all male. Last week, a guy asked me how to roll an option, and I did my best to explain it as I knew (along with 2 YouTube channels as a reference as a back-up to what I said.) I was floored because this was the first time in my life that a guy had ever asked me about something like this (and yes, they know I'm a girl.) He told me I was a real asset to the community and I was so grateful.

I don't know much in comparison to what's out there, but it was nice to know that my contributions were seen as valuable to others.

Even when I was a teen, I had heard from many a man who talked about being used by women for money, so I told God that I wanted to be something different -- and I've been working very hard towards that goal.

I'm no Bible scholar but I went to Lutheran schools, have read the Bible about 7 times through and have spent countless hours in study, classes, and prayer, so I would hope I can at least hold a decent conversation/discussion/shared study and support of God's Word. If women in marriage are designed to be a helper, I would hope that I'm taking that job of preparing to be of spiritual, emotional, and financial help as seriously as I can.

However... It would also be nice to meet someone who's concerned about what he can bring to the table as well.

It's like that old Spice Girls song, "Wanna Be" -- "If you want to be with me -- you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is."

But even if I never find the one, there is always plenty to do. One of my own personal goals I was happy to meet a few years ago was to have a little more vacation time, during which I was able to work for a friend's business, not for pay, but just for fun, and to help out.

 

[Lynx]

Something else to consider: "What kind of life can I give my spouse?"

I don't mean how much money I can pay for what my spouse wants. I mean, what kind of life do I have planned for myself, that my spouse can share?

I know a LOT of people who have seen marriage as a destination. They never have really thought about beyond marriage. It's like they consider "I need to find a spouse" as a goal, something that would fix all their problems, and they never planned a life after that.

After they marry I see them get disillusioned as their lives are not magically made perfect. Then they start complaining about their spouses who didn't magically fix their lives the way they thought they would. Then they get diorced a lot.

Then... They usually go off and try to find other spouses.

 

[Lynx]

For myself, I wouldn't be able to give a lady much of a life. I'm staying with Grandma most of the time. After she dies I'll probably get busy with church stuff again, stuff I don't have time for right now. Not a very exciting life. Also a fairly meager one, by most USA standards. I like it though.

So yeah, I ain't looking for anybody. Poor girl would be bored to tears.

 

[EternalFire]

If women in marriage are designed to be a helper, I would hope that I'm taking that job of preparing to be of spiritual, emotional, and financial help as seriously as I can.

Very well spoken!

I admire how seriously you are taking the preparational aspect.

It's a great reminder that those of us who are single and desire to be married must be focused on getting ready.

 

[tourist]

Baby steps....

Yes, baby steps.

"First comes love,
Then comes marriage..."

 

[Gojira]

Yes, baby steps.

"First comes love,
Then comes marriage..."

 

[Karlon]

Excellent.

how about saying you're 1 "HEAVEN of a cook"! we Christians are not HELL bound! YEAH!!!!!