What Causes Divorce/Can it Really be Prevented?
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Fundamentally, what prevents anything is not doing it. Of course it's much more complicated than that due to our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The root cause of divorce is not getting a divorce, but often differences that are perceived to be irreconcilable. When there are "irreconcilable differences" it suggests that we think differences need to be reconciled.
In my honest opinion, this is not always the case. Everyone is different and we shouldn't attempt to control others, especially our spouse, and if we do try to control them then maybe our differences are not the problem, but our inability to accept them for who they are.
So perhaps the answer is to accept our spouse for who they are before getting all in a twist about their alleged flaws and shortcomings. If we love someone we will find a way to keep no record of their wrongs.
After all, it is the grace of God that keeps us coming back, these second chances, that let us know that not all is lost when we failed miserably. When we give this kind of grace to our loved ones it gives them a reason to reflect and make the choice to be better. That is the miracle and mystery of grace.
In my honest opinion, this is not always the case. Everyone is different and we shouldn't attempt to control others, especially our spouse, and if we do try to control them then maybe our differences are not the problem, but our inability to accept them for who they are.
So perhaps the answer is to accept our spouse for who they are before getting all in a twist about their alleged flaws and shortcomings. If we love someone we will find a way to keep no record of their wrongs.
After all, it is the grace of God that keeps us coming back, these second chances, that let us know that not all is lost when we failed miserably. When we give this kind of grace to our loved ones it gives them a reason to reflect and make the choice to be better. That is the miracle and mystery of grace.
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Who says reconciling has to mean changing someone? To reconcile could also mean to learn to understand and accept that person.
The 5 Love Languages present this well. If one spouse sees physical affection as showing love, and another spouse things giving gifts is an act of love, both will naturally do what they think showing love means. But neither will see their spouses behaviors as showing love. All they need to do is understand that their expressions are different, and add those ways of expressing love. Neither person needs to change, just learn and act on what they've learnt.
The 5 Love Languages present this well. If one spouse sees physical affection as showing love, and another spouse things giving gifts is an act of love, both will naturally do what they think showing love means. But neither will see their spouses behaviors as showing love. All they need to do is understand that their expressions are different, and add those ways of expressing love. Neither person needs to change, just learn and act on what they've learnt.
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Just to take a different angle on this divorce question. I think one factor would be premarital sex. Think you are in love when it's actually more lust. So down the road in the marriage one partner has lost some of their appeal so the other goes stepping out. Which of course then it gets logged as infidelity was the cause, when in fact could very well be actions you took before you were married that had already put you on the path to divorce.
Cause when the storms came since it was built on sand to begin with it was inevitable that it crumble. So could very well be a case made that actions we take before we are married could in fact play a part in the marriage lasting. Because when we engage in lust and then in part build on lust. When the lust dies the natural flesh would just want to move on and seek what it truly desires, lust.
So just a different view of how sometimes we may set ourselves up for failure from the onset.
Cause when the storms came since it was built on sand to begin with it was inevitable that it crumble. So could very well be a case made that actions we take before we are married could in fact play a part in the marriage lasting. Because when we engage in lust and then in part build on lust. When the lust dies the natural flesh would just want to move on and seek what it truly desires, lust.
So just a different view of how sometimes we may set ourselves up for failure from the onset.
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Depends how you look at it. I think each of us get into relationships with people we like because they fit our ideals in some way. If someone changes who they are then effectually they are a different person and now we're in a relationship with someone we wouldn't have chosen. I think certain points can change, but some changes are deal breaks and those are the irreconcilable differences. If at all possible, yes I agree, learn to understand and accept someone and have a daily reminder that we are not enemies though what caused us to fall in love has now been replaced with something difficult to accept.
I was reading a book (yes another one) about an american born woman who went to live and marry and have family in Japan, which obviously is a very different culture
sHe wrote about not fitting in, but learned that, she doesnt have to 'fit in' its more like she learned to EMBRACE the culture.
so, are you 'fitting in' your marriage or are you embracing it. My parents are totally different born and grew up in different countries and theres no changing them after they became adults, but it was mum that had to adapt, my dad never had to move a whole country for my mum.
There are some things she obviosly doesnt like about my dad (I hear about it a lot) but she cannot change it but accepts he is who he is and in many ways thats a loving thing to do rather than say ah I give up Id rather divorce cos I cant accept these flaws or whatever.
I dont think there was pressure on my mum to change who she was either. Because if my dad did not want to marry my mum, he could have chosen someone else right. though people are multifaceted and you cant always tell who they are from first impressions it actually takes a few years of getting to know them obviously.
there will always be a few annoying things about someone you dont like! Because there will be things about our own selves we dont like that we try to hide from other people.
sHe wrote about not fitting in, but learned that, she doesnt have to 'fit in' its more like she learned to EMBRACE the culture.
so, are you 'fitting in' your marriage or are you embracing it. My parents are totally different born and grew up in different countries and theres no changing them after they became adults, but it was mum that had to adapt, my dad never had to move a whole country for my mum.
There are some things she obviosly doesnt like about my dad (I hear about it a lot) but she cannot change it but accepts he is who he is and in many ways thats a loving thing to do rather than say ah I give up Id rather divorce cos I cant accept these flaws or whatever.
I dont think there was pressure on my mum to change who she was either. Because if my dad did not want to marry my mum, he could have chosen someone else right. though people are multifaceted and you cant always tell who they are from first impressions it actually takes a few years of getting to know them obviously.
there will always be a few annoying things about someone you dont like! Because there will be things about our own selves we dont like that we try to hide from other people.
in regards to OP
I know quite a few divorcees (and also separated couples)
While most of the time its unfaithfulness that caused the divorce, the other factor is abuse and personal safety, I dont think many women want to stay in a marriage where their husband can beat them up at any time.
Some women do fight back or put up with it, but most dont.
I cant really judge though, cos I dont really know both sides of the story (thats for the courts and judges to decide) but I know the fall out from marriage breakups is pretty bad for the children, even if the children are grown up.
Though most accept that state of affairs in that they now have two homes and shift back and forth between parents. Ive seen couples act like theyve got it all together but actually they are seeing other people. They just dont want their children to know. But the children know.
I know quite a few divorcees (and also separated couples)
While most of the time its unfaithfulness that caused the divorce, the other factor is abuse and personal safety, I dont think many women want to stay in a marriage where their husband can beat them up at any time.
Some women do fight back or put up with it, but most dont.
I cant really judge though, cos I dont really know both sides of the story (thats for the courts and judges to decide) but I know the fall out from marriage breakups is pretty bad for the children, even if the children are grown up.
Though most accept that state of affairs in that they now have two homes and shift back and forth between parents. Ive seen couples act like theyve got it all together but actually they are seeing other people. They just dont want their children to know. But the children know.
'Uncle' Tim or whoever is really mums boyfriend
or 'Nanny' Fran is really dads mistress
while some couples practice 'open marriage' I dont think they can do that for too long, the logistics of all the deceit and lies eventually collapse. But it doesnt all end at divorce either cos alimony still has to be paid for 'maintenance' plus child support.
some actually do a runner and flee the country and start a new life.
Look at Israel in terms of a marriage covenant, she commited adultery with other gods, so God had to let her go and effectively divorced her but He still kind of pays maintainence hoping to get her back if she repents...He kinda remarried the gentiles but He never forgot His first love and the promises He made even though she was unfaithful...
or 'Nanny' Fran is really dads mistress
while some couples practice 'open marriage' I dont think they can do that for too long, the logistics of all the deceit and lies eventually collapse. But it doesnt all end at divorce either cos alimony still has to be paid for 'maintenance' plus child support.
some actually do a runner and flee the country and start a new life.
Look at Israel in terms of a marriage covenant, she commited adultery with other gods, so God had to let her go and effectively divorced her but He still kind of pays maintainence hoping to get her back if she repents...He kinda remarried the gentiles but He never forgot His first love and the promises He made even though she was unfaithful...
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is sad but their (Hebrew) hearts were hard
The kindness of God leads to repentence though...although in scripture the gentiles were to provoke Israel to jealousy.
I dont know how I feel about being a 'second' wife though...In the back of my mind I'd think of the first, what, you threw a good thing away! But then I suppose her loss would be my gain.
The kindness of God leads to repentence though...although in scripture the gentiles were to provoke Israel to jealousy.
I dont know how I feel about being a 'second' wife though...In the back of my mind I'd think of the first, what, you threw a good thing away! But then I suppose her loss would be my gain.
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how easy is it to get a divorce anyway
Its not like leaving a job where you just send in your 2 weeks notice (then find another one?)
but then...is it easy to get married as well?
Imagine if...there was no divorce court, no divorce lawyers and....if you got married that was it. Any arguments have to be settled before you go to bed. Otherwise, you take turns sleeping on the couch.
Its not like leaving a job where you just send in your 2 weeks notice (then find another one?)
but then...is it easy to get married as well?
Imagine if...there was no divorce court, no divorce lawyers and....if you got married that was it. Any arguments have to be settled before you go to bed. Otherwise, you take turns sleeping on the couch.