What Actually Makes A Good Family anyway?

[Mem]

Familiarity breeds contempt, they say, but I suspect it just might be a mix of individual insecurities. Within the family structure, when asked to give a description of the golden and the invisible child, or the scapegoat, who believes that they must be the golden child? And, if there are some that may claim it, do they really believe it or only just trying to convince themselves of it?
I'm not sure I could define the makeup of a secure family, but I'd seem that would qualify as a "good" family.

 

[Ceph]

When everyone knows who each other is, instead of how they appear to be compared to an arbitrary standard.

Because the world isn't built on met expectations, it's built on discoveries.

 

[blueluna5]

As what was mentioned with love and sacrifice. I would also add boundaries. Love, sacrifice, and boundaries creates the perfect family.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Meaning there is no narcissistic behavior, no cheating, no keeping up with the Jones, no comparing and having a favorite child. Those are all of the devil and will rip a family apart.

Sacrifice is involved in every relationship. Your time, money, and help. It's needed in every family. It's not 50/50 in a relationship. It's 100/100.

Boundaries is the last one. A rarely spoken one but behind every cheater and wife beater is a woman allowing it to happen. Or the children watching it happen. Those examples are extreme but boundaries are involved in every relationship we have. We tell others how to treat us by what we allow. It's the small child screaming at their parents or the adult simmering about not getting help they need. They are all an issue with boundaries.

I grew up on the extreme end in my family. I went through many men who treated me like crap and cheated on me... This is what I watched growing up. I thought love was enough. But it is actually a lack of boundaries that created the issue.

My husband and I created our own family. We still struggle from our own families who are not into family or kids. We had to figure out how to parent different. I needed to establish boundaries more. We come from broken families, but ours is in tact for this reason.

 

[Suze]

I have watched families my whole life...

Because somewhere along the way I noticed that mine was atypical. And I wanted to try and figure out what "normal" or "average" family life was supposed to be like.

And I still haven't figured out the answer. I know the ideal....it's shown everywhere and assumed by all the sitcoms out there. From Happy Days to Waltons and Little House on the Prarie....normal families mostly. Even Courtship of Eddie's Father for somewhat atypical families.

And I still noticed a difference.
I watched and listened to grandparents....all 3 sets. My family is still different. Then friends from school and church. Still different. Even in college....classmates were different.

I heard a rumor about a functional family without disfunction in Arkansas or Oklahoma somewhere.

EVERY family has some sort of disfunction of some sort. EVERY family has some sort of behaviors or customary expectations that can be construed as abusive. From neglect, permissiveness, control, discipline, degradation, lack of providing, appropriation of resources, and etc.

Knowledge about ACORNs is becoming more known about with the proliferation of Reddit threads. (Adult Children of Real Narcissists. ) And it seems that there's a "golden child" and at least one "sub-par child" in these homes. Then the blended family homes where this happens more often than not.

Parents trying to live vicariously through their children happens often. Powdered butt syndrome is also alive and well in the USA. (Because your parent powdered your butt they can do anything you can do only better)
Prime Example is my Father somehow is under the illusion that because his child is a formally trained, 4 star chef he taught me all I know in the kitchen and can do it better. Bless his heart....he is 88 Y.O. and reality keeps crashing into his delusion. (The discounting of my skills is unpleasant) But he believes he has mastered his loaf of bread. (I haven't checked it out in a while....) And my signature apple ginger pork roulade with caramel sauce he can pull off just as well as me. Yeah.....he hasn't tried. Then came the day he offered investment advice and regurgitated the exact same words I told him when he lost a third of his retirement portfolio after the dot.com bust....and then held his hand as he found new investments to buy....and then was so gleeful after they all made him a bunch of money (which my mom then spent but offered him new advice of investments which he had already determined were absolute losers).

So....surprise surprise....
Nobody is all that special/disadvantaged/abused except for golden children of Narcissists....because they are God's special little snowflakes...obviously. They do tend to throw up their hands a bit more easily when reality crashes into their delusions of grandeur.

EVERY parent believes they are going to do better than their parents in some fashion....but end up doing worse. (Sin begets even more sin....one of the first lessons of Genesis)

So....no advice from me.

One last word.
"Honor you father and mother" is a commandment in reference to Abraham and Sarah (friends of God). Not your birth or direct parents.

When I as in my middle twenties , my work colleague and I were waiting for the bus home and it was very very late . Eventually we concluded it wasn't coming so my colleague said ' I will just phone my dad , if he's not busy he will pick us up and take us home ', he came and cheerfully chatted to us both as he drove us home . When I got home I shed a few years . What a nice dad . My mum and step dad were both home , two cars , and it would never have occurred to me to phone them and ask them to pick me up . I know there's a small chance they would have done it if they had been sober but , they wouldn't have been happy and they would have let me and the rest of my family know about it . Having nice parents is a great blessing , if u have them , love them and give them a hug from me

 

[JohnDB]

When I as in my middle twenties , my work colleague and I were waiting for the bus home and it was very very late . Eventually we concluded it wasn't coming so my colleague said ' I will just phone my dad , if he's not busy he will pick us up and take us home ', he came and cheerfully chatted to us both as he drove us home . When I got home I shed a few years . What a nice dad . My mum and step dad were both home , two cars , and it would never have occurred to me to phone them and ask them to pick me up . I know there's a small chance they would have done it if they had been sober but , they wouldn't have been happy and they would have let me and the rest of my family know about it . Having nice parents is a great blessing , if u have them , love them and give them a hug from me

Oh....
But here's where humans are horrible.

An Unconditional lover will be absolutely abused by those loved.

.eating if a child is unconditionally loved by the parents....the child will usually abuse that relationship when able.

And vice versa. Or siblings....or spouses....

 

[Spiritwalker]

If you are happy simply because they are happy. Same thing for sad.

If one of them has something bad happen, like getting cancer, and it hurts you to your core. If somebody does them wrong and you get royally pissed off about it.

Basically, if what is going on in their lives matters to you.

Thankyou lynx. I would apreciate it if you would comment on my next post..

 

[Suze]

Oh....
But here's where humans are horrible.

An Unconditional lover will be absolutely abused by those loved.

.eating if a child is unconditionally loved by the parents....the child will usually abuse that relationship when able.

And vice versa. Or siblings....or spouses....

It's a sad world

 

[Lynx]

Thankyou lynx. I would apreciate it if you would comment on my next post..

I don't get it. What is the question?

 

[Suze]

I don't get it. What is the question?

Sarcasm perhaps ?

 

[Lynx]

Sarcasm perhaps ?

Possible, but not spirit's usual style.