I hear you brother, I'm at a fork in the road and trying to figure out what to do! Waiting for direction and or doing nothing is not easy.
That is my issue too. Waiting for something or nothing. It for me gets draining like battery nearly dead inside, repeatedly praying for the same thing over and over again, even though we are told to like in the parable of the crooked judge who does justice to stop the nagging woman who won't leave him alone. But, Paul prayed 3 times for a thorn in the side (blindness?) to be removed/healed and he said Jesus or the LORD let him know God's grace was enough. Which simply sounds like, "no, get over it".
This seems to be contradictory yet God knows best. Paul was picked for a mission and this may have interfered. Maybe he would not need Mark with the "parchments" or whatever, and "potentially - bridge quarrels" etc. Who knows. But, my issue is, I have not been selected with a flashing like from Jesus with a task like Paul. I'm a loser with no Pharisee training, winging it, waiting and guessing with no answers like "my grace is enough" but simply continuing to wait. That is the grating wall headbutting feeling sometimes. Then, I give up because there was no answer or delivery. Was I supposed to give up. Was that my answer, silence? No-one knows. That's my issue. Faith is not the issue. Paul had faith above us all. Yet still he kept his thorn. What can I do except pray for others and hope that others get something out of it, as I know I have had basically nothing out of it.
It always, or the significant changes in particular, as far as I am aware, "always", come from me making mistakes and learning badly from them. I sometimes get the odd video to put me in a better track or back on track with truth, but little else. A nice surprise of a meal or a treat of some sort, of insignificance, to stop my whining is what mostly happens when I get emotional or angry. Only with emotion do I get results.
If I have punched myself for getting angry at not doing anything, I force myself to go out and do something and results happen. Miraculous "coincidences". Or if im depressed and want something in particular to eat or a drink, I somehow get one free or made for me during the day etc.
But, there is not one "big" thing answered or done in my life that I currently know of that God seems to have done (although technically everything is done by God), that results in anything "meaningful" or "helpful in a big way".
- No healing,
- No family saved yet or others that I know of except those in another country,
- No help in church,
- No love,
-No friends,
-No skills or Job prospects of use to get me out of my parents house (still a loser),
- No peace of mind or certainty of direction (im stil guessing and winging one),
- No rest, and more.
But I still trust God and have faith in salvation, I simply feel that God either will not, or does not, or other etc, be clear about what He will give do or not overall. The bible seems to not be clear on these things except salvation. There is no clarity on how much emotion, how much time, how much loss or pain or complaining or faith, or belief, or what type of belief or what type of faith, or what actions or other, are demanded or required to "make sure prayers are delivered upon". Or whether they will never be delivered upon. Because it is not God's will.
Therefore, after a while, when nothing changes (11 years etc) I think I get the point. God has his own plan and goals and the ones I have prayed many times do not come into it.
Other than this, self affirming songs and messages and prayers, or what others call "affirmations", will work in part to change a persons mindset, but only if it does not conflict with christian principles. Meaning, do not idolise riches, but being rich is not sinful in itself. Or wanting healing so you can get more money and work more, is basically greed etc most likely. Anything beneficial to growth as a better christian is probably useful as an affirmation, but this is also "self-works". Not the doing of God directly. Only indirectly, as God does all things by the Spirit etc.
You see the circular issue of self defeatism I have to deal with. The lack of hope due to such vagueness of outcomes. Hope for hopes sake, or give up on the prayer. Is it that important a prayer? Should I bother? Or should I be more specific and write it down and keep focusing with my own will. Is this not the "spirituality" of todays "will it into existence"? What to do........
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