Hi!!
I used to struggle with similar pain as you, except my deepest pain was centered around my race, in all sincerity. Hopefully my personal experience can give you some hope, and the motivation to seek salvation through Jesus Christ.
I was in middle school, looking in the mirror, when it dawned on me that the race of people I had heard terrible, tragic things about was actually my race. As I looked in the mirror, I realized, I was considered Black--and most horrifically, I realized that when people saw me, they saw a Black girl--and I assumed they were likely already making all sorts of assumptions about me based on stereotypes and whatever else. This was devastating to me. Up until that point, I had never imagined myself to be a part of any race, but instead went through life just feeling like a person, a spirit and soul in a body.
I tried to distance myself from this reality, and researched ways I could permanently lighten my skin, change my hair texture, and my eye color. I was sick, and deeply depressed, and I hated myself vehemently.
I had several false beliefs:
I believed if I was white, my life would be better.
I believed I was born into the wrong family.
And most significantly, I strongly believed I was born into the wrong body.
But I believe God lovingly and patiently gave me a series of dreams that changed my perspective.
In one dream, I was in a bright, white space. I had the sense that I was in a giant gazebo of mirrors, but a sound like roaring water filled the space as though the water were pouring down the walls. In the dream, a voice, which I believe was God, asked me, "What do you want?" And because I perceived that I could ask for anything, and my heart was set on my worldly concerns, I said, "I want to be white." Instantly, I understood that my request had been granted. Not that I felt anything. That was, perhaps, what was strangest to me. I understood that I had what I had asked for, but I did not feel any different inside or out. I looked at my hands to make sure. Yes, I was white, but I very quickly realized that I still had problems. In fact, I even had some different problems! I had expected to feel different at least, but there was nothing different about the me on the inside. I just didn't have any melanin.
In another dream, I entered into what seemed like a heavenly establishment or business. Inside, there was a reception desk and everything. I went inside and sat in a booth that looked similar to one of those photo booths you might see in a mall or somewhere. On the wall beside me was a circular mirror in which I saw my face, the one the Lord gave me. But the mirror had a feature in which twisting a knob would reveal an alternative version of the person in the booth. And, unexpectedly, the alternate life to accompany it. I turned the knob, and as the mirror started turning, like a camera lens cover, it unveiled an alternate version of myself in which I was white. But, something stopped me. As I was turning, a realization came over me that in the alternate version of my life, in which I would be born white, all the family and friends that I currently have in this Black body would all be strangers to me, and I would have no right or reason to be a part of their lives. A different reality comes with a different purpose.
There would be no reason for the woman I call my mom to love me. I would be a member of a different family. And she would be like all the other strangers in the world, not knowing or even thinking about me.
Quickly, I stopped turning the knob. And I truly realized that I did not want a different family--which I would have to have if I would be born to a different race.
Now, I don't remember the space or span of time between my dreams, but they all happened around the same time. But in the dream which I will label my third dream, I was born a girl affected by dwarfism. I was short, kind of stocky, and my head was large in proportion to my body. But here's the thing that surprised me: I was Black. AND I was happy! I was not happy because I was Black. And neither did I feel any ill feelings about being Black. In fact, it did not appear that I was thinking about race at all. I was happy because I was helping people. I was living a life full of purpose. And I was absolutely, positively beaming with deeply felt and sincere joy.
When I awoke from each of these dreams, I realized that I was born into this body for a reason. There are people I am able to reach because of the person God created me to be. I am part of the body of Christ. And the Lord does not make mistakes.
This life is not about making external factors such as race, sex, or gender our identity. Life is so much more than what's on the surface. Instead, it is about submitting ourselves and our wills to the will of God.
The Lord also made humans male and female for a reason.
I don't know what your specific purpose is, but I know God has a plan for your life.
There is a reason why you were born into the body that you were born into.
If we are to discover God's beautiful purposes for our lives, we must be willing to surrender our lives and our desires to Him.
In order to be able to do that, we have to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. When you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, he will give you a new heart with new desires for righteousness.
I will be praying for you.
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