@Kavik It takes the Spirit to understand Spiritual things. You are not going to find it anywhere else. You're not going to be able to pin it down with textbooks and linguistics studies.
You need to have a talk with Jesus.
Like I said before you are going to have to take it to the Lord in faith.
If today, you shall hear his voice harden not your heart...
He loves you and wants to save you.
He is longsuffering not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. He so loved this world that He sent this only begotten Son so that whosoever shall believe in him shall not perish. Take this to heart and consider this first.
2 Peter 3:9The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
If you will repent and put your faith and trust in Him...He will save you and open up your understanding.
It's going to take the Spirit.