Tired of Grieving Alone

inukubo · May 25, 2020

Saturday morning, I found out one of my dear friends and role models in the faith suddenly passed away and it really shook me. His family live several states away, but fortunately I was able to watch the memorial service online and grieve and offer some kind of support to the family.

However, it got me thinking about my own life and how every single emotionally significant event of my married life I have had to experience alone. This weekend, I had to grieve alone. When our dog had to be put down, it was me alone who had to take him to the vet and be with him. When I passed a big test and wanted somebody to celebrate with, I barely got any acknowledgment before she went straight back to gossiping about somebody else. When I have something I really want to do like go to a concert of one of my favorite bands, I have to go alone because she is not interested. She's never given me a present for my birthday, Christmas, or our anniversary. It's so depressing to spend 16 years of your life with someone and them not being involved in or concerned about your life or emotions at all, aside from what they can get out of you.

I'm sorry, I just had to vent, but this is so exhausting.

tourist · May 25, 2020

inukubo said:

Saturday morning, I found out one of my dear friends and role models in the faith suddenly passed away and it really shook me. His family live several states away, but fortunately I was able to watch the memorial service online and grieve and offer some kind of support to the family.

However, it got me thinking about my own life and how every single emotionally significant event of my married life I have had to experience alone. This weekend, I had to grieve alone. When our dog had to be put down, it was me alone who had to take him to the vet and be with him. When I passed a big test and wanted somebody to celebrate with, I barely got any acknowledgment before she went straight back to gossiping about somebody else. When I have something I really want to do like go to a concert of one of my favorite bands, I have to go alone because she is not interested. She's never given me a present for my birthday, Christmas, or our anniversary. It's so depressing to spend 16 years of your life with someone and them not being involved in or concerned about your life or emotions at all, aside from what they can get out of you.

I'm sorry, I just had to vent, but this is so exhausting.

My wife's cousin experienced exactly what you have been going through in his marriage of some 30+ years. He finally got tired of living in a cold lonely insensitive marriage and has filed for divorce. I can't say that I blamed him for doing so.

Bingo · May 25, 2020

"There are consequences to our choices, some good, some not so good.
We learn to live with them, or remove ourselves from an unreasonable situation.
We are meant to be reasonably happy, and no matter ones situation, there
always remains the fact, we all have faults, and no one is without character defaults
that may not be compatible to those closest to us. I have learned, a bond of love
requires changes on both sides, believe it. Coming of forty eight years of marriage,
it works if you work at it and want it enough.........Thank God!"
~Just a thought from 'this side of the glass'~

Roughsoul1991 · May 25, 2020

inukubo said:

Saturday morning, I found out one of my dear friends and role models in the faith suddenly passed away and it really shook me. His family live several states away, but fortunately I was able to watch the memorial service online and grieve and offer some kind of support to the family.

However, it got me thinking about my own life and how every single emotionally significant event of my married life I have had to experience alone. This weekend, I had to grieve alone. When our dog had to be put down, it was me alone who had to take him to the vet and be with him. When I passed a big test and wanted somebody to celebrate with, I barely got any acknowledgment before she went straight back to gossiping about somebody else. When I have something I really want to do like go to a concert of one of my favorite bands, I have to go alone because she is not interested. She's never given me a present for my birthday, Christmas, or our anniversary. It's so depressing to spend 16 years of your life with someone and them not being involved in or concerned about your life or emotions at all, aside from what they can get out of you.

I'm sorry, I just had to vent, but this is so exhausting.

I'm sure you have shared this with her but have you tried professional help?

Lanolin · May 25, 2020

sorry to hear that I pray the Comforter will surround you with 16 years and more of His loving embrace that youve been missing.

inukubo · May 25, 2020

Roughsoul1991 said:

Yeah. Professional help only works if you are willing to listen to other people.

Roughsoul1991 · May 25, 2020

inukubo said:

Yep, but to know, one must first try.

Sometimes it takes multiple sessions before things to start moving.

tourist · May 25, 2020

Roughsoul1991 said:

Sounds like it is the wife that need the help.

tourist · May 25, 2020

Lanolin said:

Very appropriate prayer and I am in agreement with you on this.

Roughsoul1991 · May 25, 2020

tourist said:

She can receive help while he can find therapy and healthy ways to respond to such an individual.

The therapist will sort all that out.

tourist · May 25, 2020

Roughsoul1991 said:

Based on the OP it is almost a certainty that his wife will not consent to counseling. A more healthy sensible approach might be to consult a divorce attorney to learn what options are available in this intolerable marital situation.

inukubo · May 25, 2020

We've tried counseling on multiple occasions, both with pastors and with professional counselors. If someone never listens to others and will never admit the possibility that they might have a problem, it's kind of a lost cause.

Roughsoul1991 · May 25, 2020

tourist said:

Doesn't hurt to try. What else does he have to lose?

tourist · May 25, 2020

Roughsoul1991 said:

Probably not a whole lot except for more wasted precious time.

Roughsoul1991 · May 25, 2020

tourist said:

All things are possible with God. Some of the most disastrous marriages have been healed. The testimonials are numerous. Point is he has been giving 2 options. Just as a Kings council would often have 1 to agree with the King, while 1 to disagree. I believe the Jewish people still have this kind of system. The Israeli doctrine adopted after the Yom Kippur War the strategy of “the tenth man.”

Following the recommendation of the Agranat Commission in 1973-1974, Military Intelligence established a Control Unit that was expected to play this role as the devil’s advocate. Its responsibility was to produce a range of explanations and assessments of events that avoided relying on a single concept.

If ten people are in a room, and nine agree on how to interpret and respond to a situation, the tenth man must disagree. His duty is to find the best possible argument for why the decision of the group is flawed.

It forces people to rethink all possibilities before making drastic life or country changing decisions. '

tourist · May 25, 2020

Roughsoul1991 said:

All pro's and con's must be considered before executing any decisive course of action.

Yes, some disastrous marriages have been healed. I suppose a lot depends of one's tolerance for pain.

My first marriage was similar to what the OP is now going through. I have walked in his shoes only to have my X file for divorce even though I was the injured party. It was only a few years later that I realized that the divorce was a blessing from God. At that point the healing began and the pain subsiding to a dull ache until finally it was gone.

Roughsoul1991 · May 25, 2020

tourist said:

I agree. I was simply offering an alternative. One marriage in our study group was healed from the husband sleeping around and years of struggle. They went into Biblical therapy. It took a year or so to get to a stable place. And the wife admitted she wasn't sure for the longest time if she wanted to stay. But she told that God helped her in forgiveness.

Lanolin · May 26, 2020

I think it depends on what kind of 'professional help' because some people cant afford and also in the above example....
the problem is if the husband sleeps around then expects the wife to forgive and stay, but what about when tables are turned if the wife sleeps around does she really expect the husband to stay.

who has got more to lose...husband or wife? I dont think ppl are thinking this through.

also what do the children think..are there any from this marriage? OP may need to give us a bigger picture. Few mothers forget their own childrens birthdays when they are small....

blueluna5 · May 26, 2020

inukubo said:

So from a woman's point of view I feel like I'm getting half the story.

The first thing I would do is talk to her about the next holiday coming up and explain you want to buy presents for each other from now on and try to do something for it. It doesn't have to be expensive. Not sure if you are giving gifts but if not than that's part of it.

For the grieving, people handle it differently and it can often be uncomfortable for people. Not sure if the dog was yours only or maybe she couldn't handle it and so didn't want to go. It's hard to say. Sometimes women assume their guys will do certain things (not saying it's right).

You should talk to her about it and not assume she doesn't care for you. People in general do expect something in return. What is she doing in her free time... Does she even have free time. If not, there's the problem.

People go on autopilot especially when really busy. Slow her down by helping out more. Tell her you want to read the Bible together and also use it as a way to talk. Don't just watch movies together as that does not involve conversation. No phones, tv, etc. It should help you figure out what is going on and if there's anything there. But give her a chance to open up.

UKChris · May 27, 2020

inukubo said:

WOW!!! I've just had a vent on the Sad and Lonely thread about a man who sounds exactly like the 'she' you refer to. Wanting to be with you but not really present. I am so sorry - it really hurts, doesn't it, when someone you love just doesn't connect with you on an intimate or emotional level. I suspect my manfriend may be Aspergers or on the Autistic Spectrum somewhere - does your other half possibly show traits of some kind of condition/illness that may be affecting her. Not that that minimises the hurt, but it may provide a possible explanation. Last Christmas I asked for an Amaryllis, but he said it wouldn't flower in time, so, having asked me what I wanted, he then decided not to give me that but pay for a meal. I was grateful but my feelings were passed over. In the end I have just had to accept that is the way he is, although he is grossly insensitive at times. I am glad our Heavenly Father has such tender feelings; during this time of so many of us being hidden away with Him, I suspect a lot of hidden wounds may be surfacing and I think He would like us to just sit with Him and receive His love and wisdom. He will listen, I am sure. You remember when the Israelites got to Gilgal, where they 'did the deed' and all waited there until all the men healed up, and after that, they got on with the next stage of the journey. Vent all you like by the way, if it helps the healing process. Sending love and prayers x

Tired of Grieving Alone

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