Thinking of becoming a foster parent

[presidente]

There is a girl we know who just finished high school from a church we both used to go to. She's babysat for us before. Last night, she gave my wife a call about a 13 year old friend of hers who was getting kicked out of a foster home. The story was the girl asked permission to go somewhere and the foster mom said it was okay. The girl said she wouldn't be able to meet her at the normal pickup place and the foster mom said okay. She said she called the foster mom but couldn't get through and got voicemail. When she finally spoke with the foster mom, she was angry at her for not being at the pick-up place and for not calling her. She said the girl couldn't stay with her.

We agreed to let the girl stay on our couch last night. She seemed like a nice kid. Her parents divorced in one of the US territories and sent her to stay with an aunt. The state took custody over a child abuse issue. She's from a culture that defers to elders and doesn't really have dating. She came over with the girl we knew from church and a 15 year old female friend last night.

I'm poor financially because I'm in school and not working and have a bunch of kids already. My wife and I have a small business that hasn't made a lot of money yet. I don't know if the state would take us as foster parents for income reasons. The girl seems nice, like she wouldn't be a bad influence on the kids. The poor girl said she doesn't have any clothes. She has been borrowing the foster sister's clothes at her house. Like my wife, she is a bit of a musician and she likes to cook. I think they will get along fine. My wife was bounced around between aunts and uncles houses at that age, too. So she can relate to feeling like a child rejected by parents and other people. I think we may try to see if we could be her foster parents. We'll check with her current foster parents and the state. I left a message and haven't heard back. The state hasn't called back. We did call the cops out and ask their advice before having the girl spend the night.

I do have some concerns. I'll probably be finishing up school in 6 to 8 months and hopefully getting a job either in another state or overseas. I don't know how that will work with foster care. If we ended up taking the girl in long-term, would I pay for her college? What if I were able to send one of my own kids to Harvard? Would I send her to a polytechnic and my own kid to Harvard. I'm thinking about fairness. Also, the time horizon to save the money would significantly shrink. If we moved overseas, would there be any foster support for her?

A more short-term concern is her two teenage friends came over today. I'm kind of an overprotective type. One of her friends seems to be your stereotypical Hollywood movie teen, rolling eyes while talking to her dad on the phone, wearing kind of skimpy clothes, having boyfriends (or had one at least) and that sort of thing. The other is older, a very kind hearted girl we knew from church. They were over hanging out here today. The typical teen is willing to go to church with us. I'd like to minister to these teens, but I don't want my place to be teen hangout central. And I'm the protective parent type. I wouldn't want a 13 year old under my care going out to this house and that house around the neighborhood, not in the urban setting where we live at least. If we take this girl in, I'll probably say you can meet these friends on X and Y days.

The 13-year-old just loves our baby and actually did a good job of watching her at church (where there are stairs and an open door to the parking lot) without us asking for help or anything. She seems mature for her age. She seemed happy to spend the night on the couch. I wish we had more space in this tiny apartment and more to give. She's been sleeping in the bed with another kid at the foster home in a room with three or four kids, I think she said. I could see how having a girl her age around could be beneficial in some ways since she takes to the baby so well and seems willing to help.

Anyway, please pray for me and us here, and maybe someone could give me advice about foster care. I've never done it. I do have a quite elderly aunt who helped start a state foster care associate many years ago who had foster kids when I was growing up.

 

[presidente]

Scratch that. We'll have the girl stay with us one more night it seems.

As it turns out, when we took her to church tonight, the pastor of the congregation that uses the facility after us is one of her relatives and he and his wife have been wanting to take her in for a long time. So she still gets to stay with family in the same ethnic group. It sounds like an idea situation, and one she seems happy about. She sure took a long time to tell us about it, afraid to hurt our feelings. But we were happy for us.

Of all the people in this city, she ended up staying the night with a family who would take her where she could meet relatives.

 

[BrittanyJones]

God worked it out! He always cares for our needs, even though we don't always see the behind-the-scenes plans He is orchestrating.

 

[presidente]

I can't reach the aunt and uncle, though. The girl said they wanted to stop by at a certain time and that time has passed.

 

[woka]

I am a registered safe house for Child Welfare, and this means one of two things, I can have a child come to stay with us for an immediate emergency situation, they have had to be removed immediately and we are the stop over point, to the next stop. Or I get children who have no parent's they are trying to locate family, or their is no family and the foster care can become permanent "adoption".

It is not easy at all, one of my big concerns is how differently in the beginning I treated the more permanent children, because they have had it harder than my own children, I would often let things slide that I would not with my own. I also tended to be far more trusting of what they told me, in terms of previous foster parents, and how badly they had been treated etc. This I am afraid was not always the truth, the children could at times be quite manipulative. Is this their fault? No, they have been in bad enviroments, but I had to make myself more aware of that.

They have learnt to have to lie to cope, have had to be manipulative to ge the love they craved, have learnt that sharing is not an option as they have had very little in the past, have not learnt to communicate their feelings, and therefore get very angry quickly as they feel nobody understand them. They have often also pretended to be okay and happy when they are not, for fear of what will happen if they say so.

I do not want you to think that it is all bad, it isn't, if it was I wouldn't be doing it. I have however learnt over the year's to get as much information from the authorities as I can before I agree to take a child, but there is always more you discover along the way, all of which is never pleasant.

The truth is if we all did not help, if we were all concerned about what if what if, then nothing would get done, I have often just prayed myself and the children through most of it, as this is all I can do.


I hope you hear from the possible foster family of her's soon.

 

[isaria]

It was nice of you to offer and want to give your good will in the matter.
It is good for teenagers to be given boundaries and bad influence on her can be very destructive for her future.
Even heard of teenagers tying "friend" on "leash" restraint and saying "whos my *****" to the others and that one is pulled along as a "thing".
It is very good for teenager to be given times and rules and "deals" such as not be with these girls all night every night.

There has been some positive stories of adoption with loving, caring foster parents.

There has also been less positive stories.
Such as molesting babies as young as a few weeks by putting "it" in mouth and around aswell as raping toddlers .
Even heard of "the wife" holding the toddler down so husband could penetrate her and while toddler screams help she says "i am a good wife" "see what i give to my husband" .
And emotionally abusing , torture, and disabling as well as a whole neighbour hood of people whom hate you and you always feel it.


Like a black man being raised by ku klux klan.
and always feeling it.
Never "fitting in" or feeling loved but always feeling hated and abused and discriminated and treated differently etc.


heard of them saying the child is not permited speak and has to mime sing.
Supressed.

Many aboriginals apparently were forsed to adoption.
It was said a large group of children were all raped under age of five and they were adopted to be used like slaves and for pleasure.

Some very intelligent forsed to be stupid because foster parents jealous of them being brighter in real life.


However those that do good and come in good families can have wonderful lives and felt loved and treated nicely.

Growing up with out stability and not feeling wanted or loved as well as abused and other horrors and trauma s having happened is very difficult sometimes a adoption can occur to help this being if it not happened younger age.

Sometimes you may not call it adoption sometimes you may say "im here for you".
They know they can turn to you for comfort, advice, support.

Sometimes a cup of tea and a biscuit and a cry can do wonders.
And the listening tea maker can say "you always welcome for a cuppa"

 

[presidente]

Her relatives came over, a husband, wife, and one grown daughter. He is a pastor. We had a good time of fellowship over a meal my wife put together really fast. They stayed a long time as we talked. We made some new friends. They seemed thankful that we had taken care of their relative (a cousin it turns out) and genuinely concerned for her. The timing on it was really amazing. She spends one night on our couch and then we take her somewhere where she meets long lost relatives that she hasn't seen in two years. They plan to call her parents and aunt and sort everything out. They also want to have us over for dinner to try some of their ethnic cuisine. She went home with them and seemed to be happy about how things turned out.

My wife also said to the teenage friend she's been hanging out with maybe she could come over to our house some time, and we may have an opportunity to minister to her and take her to church.

 

[AliceTaylor]

Only you have to becoming a foster parent an then God worked it out! He always cares for our needs, even though we don't always see the behind-the-scenes plans He is orchestrating.