The fear of attraction

[Snackersmom]

Well there's no rule that you actually HAVE to find a spouse. A lot of people act like there is, but they can be ignored.

If you don't want to go on dates, don't go on dates. Nobody's docking your paycheck because of it.

Lol trust me, I have been very successfully "not going on dates" for the vast majority of my adult life. So I probably don't need encouragement in that. 😅😜

I guess I was hoping for a way to get over the fears and issues without having to actively seek out random guys I might be attracted to. But maybe that's the only way to do it? 🤔

Idk.... I appreciate everyone's input though! I will keep processing what yall said and try to put your advice into practice. 😎

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Lol trust me, I have been very successfully "not going on dates" for the vast majority of my adult life. So I probably don't need encouragement in that. 😅😜

I guess I was hoping for a way to get over the fears and issues without having to actively seek out random guys I might be attracted to. But maybe that's the only way to do it? 🤔

Idk.... I appreciate everyone's input though! I will keep processing what yall said and try to put your advice into practice. 😎

There is another way. Don't rush meeting anyone. Wait for something to happen naturally. In fact it may be too soon to even try. Finding other ways to begin growing past it would be more important, meeting someone too soon would likely not work.

And if you do eventually meet someone, don't rush in the name of growth. Let it happen.
Also, I'd plan ahead of time what kinds of things are legitimate reasons to break up with someone and separate those from excuses you may make to do the same. Having them sorted ahead of time will make it easier if you do meet someone, to make a wise decision. You don't want to stay with the wrong person because you become afraid to break up, either.

Until then, if you're unwilling or unable to see a professional, is continue to learn and sort through what the source of these feelings are and confront them. Taking a little time each day for introspection and try to take little steps to move past things.
Sometimes confronting and taking ownership of those things is the biggest step you can take.
It's usually something scary or painful to face and you'll want to make excuses for dealing with it. The stronger that feeling the closer you're getting.
This is what I experienced in counseling when I went. I had to confront things I hid from, and usually it didn't feel good. It's a process and it takes time. Some days will be harder than others, but if you persist you'll find yourself making changes.

 

[Snackersmom]

There is another way. Don't rush meeting anyone. Wait for something to happen naturally. In fact it may be too soon to even try. Finding other ways to begin growing past it would be more important, meeting someone too soon would likely not work.

And if you do eventually meet someone, don't rush in the name of growth. Let it happen.
Also, I'd plan ahead of time what kinds of things are legitimate reasons to break up with someone and separate those from excuses you may make to do the same. Having them sorted ahead of time will make it easier if you do meet someone, to make a wise decision. You don't want to stay with the wrong person because you become afraid to break up, either.

Until then, if you're unwilling or unable to see a professional, is continue to learn and sort through what the source of these feelings are and confront them. Taking a little time each day for introspection and try to take little steps to move past things.
Sometimes confronting and taking ownership of those things is the biggest step you can take.
It's usually something scary or painful to face and you'll want to make excuses for dealing with it. The stronger that feeling the closer you're getting.
This is what I experienced in counseling when I went. I had to confront things I hid from, and usually it didn't feel good. It's a process and it takes time. Some days will be harder than others, but if you persist you'll find yourself making changes.

Thanks, I probably needed to hear that. I have been actively working on the issue for over a year and I do think there has been improvement. But about 6 weeks ago I hurt a guys' feelings and I felt really bad about it. So I guess I was subconsciously looking for a way to kick the growth into overdrive so I could have it dealt with ASAP and not hurt anyone again.

That might not be realistic though...looks like it's going to be a long slog but I'll keep chipping away at it. I really do appreciate every single response, I think they all helped in some way. Thanks y'all!

 

[EternalFire]

Here are some helpful thoughts to consider on matters related to this thread.

 

[Snackersmom]

Thanks Eternal Fire, I appreciate your contribution. I agree with what he had to say regarding married men having relationships with females other than their wives.

Regarding his advice for single people, I can see how it would be wise guidelines for some, especially those in their teens or early 20s. But trouble comes when we treat advice like that as Biblical truth that we all must follow. A lot of my current issues actually stemmed from taking advice like that too seriously. I was and still am the kind of girl who has to be friends with a guy first before I could date him. But being friends was frowned upon, so I mostly avoided men until God intervened in my late 20's. It was a beautiful experience. There was growth, there was joy, there was pain....there were a LOT of prayers. I wouldn't trade the relationship for anything, even though it eventually came to an end.

It always raises my eyebrows when a pastor tells us not to do something simply because it "might cause pain". Jesus never said our lives would be free of pain. If avoiding pain is our main goal, can we even truly live?

But I speak as a jaded 40-year-old who is relentlessly realistic and not prone to hoping or dreaming, so take all that as you will!

 

[EternalFire]

Thanks Eternal Fire, I appreciate your contribution. I agree with what he had to say regarding married men having relationships with females other than their wives.

Regarding his advice for single people, I can see how it would be wise guidelines for some, especially those in their teens or early 20s. But trouble comes when we treat advice like that as Biblical truth that we all must follow. A lot of my current issues actually stemmed from taking advice like that too seriously. I was and still am the kind of girl who has to be friends with a guy first before I could date him. But being friends was frowned upon, so I mostly avoided men until God intervened in my late 20's. It was a beautiful experience. There was growth, there was joy, there was pain....there were a LOT of prayers. I wouldn't trade the relationship for anything, even though it eventually came to an end.

It always raises my eyebrows when a pastor tells us not to do something simply because it "might cause pain". Jesus never said our lives would be free of pain. If avoiding pain is our main goal, can we even truly live?

But I speak as a jaded 40-year-old who is relentlessly realistic and not prone to hoping or dreaming, so take all that as you will!

I’m glad you enjoyed the video.

From my perspective, friendship is a given if the person is born again, so it’s not one of my concerns.

For me it comes down to whether the woman is godly by continually obeying Jesus’ command to love his God with all of her heart, soul, mind, and strength.

 

[Stan_the_Man]

You are better of remaining single. You can devote your life to serving the Lord which is far more rewarding.

I wish I had done that rather than getting married. My entire marriage is a mistake and scripture says I made a vow, a commitment so I have to see it thru.

People are nuts these days, so if you ever did get in a serious relationship with a guy be sure and have at least a 2 year courtship so you can see him in different situations of life to see how he reacts. It never hurts to leave a couple of hundred dollar bills laying around so he can find them and see if he takes them. Small stuff like this says a lot about a person.

If you cannot trust someone in the little things, they certainly cannot be trusted with something big like marriage.

And most definitely have a private investigator (or a cop if you have any friends that are cops) do a back ground check to make sure he has no criminal record

 

[Snackersmom]

You are better of remaining single. You can devote your life to serving the Lord which is far more rewarding.

I wish I had done that rather than getting married. My entire marriage is a mistake and scripture says I made a vow, a commitment so I have to see it thru.

People are nuts these days, so if you ever did get in a serious relationship with a guy be sure and have at least a 2 year courtship so you can see him in different situations of life to see how he reacts. It never hurts to leave a couple of hundred dollar bills laying around so he can find them and see if he takes them. Small stuff like this says a lot about a person.

If you cannot trust someone in the little things, they certainly cannot be trusted with something big like marriage.

And most definitely have a private investigator (or a cop if you have any friends that are cops) do a back ground check to make sure he has no criminal record

Hi Stan, thank you for your advice. I'm really sorry you are having marriage trouble, but I commend you for sticking it through! Even if it wasn't the right choice to begin with, I know God can work it for good. I will pray that He does just that.

As for me, I am planning to stay single unless God tells me otherwise. I get what you are saying about serving God being more rewarding . Really I'm just trying to get over some fears and issues that God has shown me are a problem. I'm not doing it so I can get a husband, I'm just trying to be a better person with a more Godly mindset. But yeah, I will definitely be very careful before tying the knot, if I ever get that far!

All the best to you and your lady, I pray that God brings restoration and a fresh sense of love and purpose to you both <3

 

[Stan_the_Man]

I'm just trying to get over some fears and issues that God has shown me are a problem

It helps to write down what you believe the Lord has shown you about yourself and the areas that you need spiritual growth in.

Then, pray and ask the Lord to show you promises and corrections in His Word to help over come the issues and to help you grow spiritually in these areas. Then leave this at the feet of Jesus expecting Him to show you stuff from His Word in due time casting ALL your cares upon the Lord because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7) - no worrying or fretting, but resting in faith!

As you start getting things from the Lord, write them down so you are documenting all this in a personal journal (I just do this on my computer). And, remember it's the Lord's wisdom that you are needing because He has answers for everything!

James 1:5-8
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth (without finding fault) not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

*Be sure to put in "lady" in the scripture above where it says him or man


And always keep this promise close by frequently telling the Lord this is your heart's desire:

Matthew 5:6
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

 

[Snackersmom]

Thank you Stan, those verses you mentioned are some of my favorites! I will keep your advice in mind. I think just typing out all this stuff in this thread has been helpful for identifying problems. But I probably do need to take it more in-depth offline. Kinda seems like God is saying I'll have to take some actual actions to help get over things, so that's kind of scary but I'm sure I'll live.

All the best to you and your lady. I believe that God can make your marriage more than just ok, but a glory and testament to His love and power! That's kinda His specialty, right?

 

[Stan_the_Man]

Kinda seems like God is saying I'll have to take some actual actions to help get over things, so that's kind of scary but I'm sure I'll live

That's part of the joy and adventure of walking with the Lord is allowing Him to lead you in to spiritual growth!

All the best to you and your lady. I believe that God can make your marriage more than just ok, but a glory and testament to His love and power! That's kinda His specialty, right?

Thank you!

 

[zeroturbulence]

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

That sounds like fear of trust. Trusting someone enough to enter into a relationship with them. I don't know if there's any real way to make sure someone is trustworthy. Just always keep one foot out the door just in case. I mean let them think you're still looking and keep an eye out for red flags. Watch how they treat others. Especially when they're stressed.

 

[zeroturbulence]

When I said let him think you're still looking, I just mean don't get too close.

 

[Snackersmom]

That sounds like fear of trust. Trusting someone enough to enter into a relationship with them. I don't know if there's any real way to make sure someone is trustworthy. Just always keep one foot out the door just in case. I mean let them think you're still looking and keep an eye out for red flags. Watch how they treat others. Especially when they're stressed.

Thanks Mr. T, that's all good advice! I'm generally pretty slow to trust (might be issues behind it, Idk), but since I'm not looking for a relationship right now I'm not too worried about that. Mostly just trying to deal with the knee-jerk reaction of completely avoiding anyone I could possibly be attracted to lol . The advice I've gotten here has been helpful and I think I'm making some really slow progress but kinda soon to tell for sure. I appreciate your input!

 

[Marcipa]

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

I am fearful of it because I know what will happen if I give in. The same thing that always happens. I end up getting hurt. I've been alone for over 20 years and I'm completely fine with it. I think some people just aren't cut out for relationships. And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Joshua_Belyeu]

Since I wish to preserve and respect certain people's privacy, I won't go into the full details of my own past in this regard. But suffice it to say that after I made a lot of very bad mistakes, there was a span of several years where I didn't trust the "attraction" aspect of my personality at all. I was truly scared I'd easily screw up, and be drawn away from God all over again.

Things are a little better now for me, but these kinds of emotions are still something I wrestle with every day. I haven't been in a relationship for 18 years...and when I focus on that, it feels very disheartening. I'm currently 43 years old, and while I still believe in both love and marriage, I must confess remaining single is starting to become pretty frustrating. To paraphrase a popular saying, "I'm sanctified, but not ignorant."

 

[Marcipa]

I've just been used and hurt too much. I don't trust anyone now. I prefer to just focus on my relationship with God.

 

[tourist]

Since I wish to preserve and respect certain people's privacy, I won't go into the full details of my own past in this regard. But suffice it to say that after I made a lot of very bad mistakes, there was a span of several years where I didn't trust the "attraction" aspect of my personality at all. I was truly scared I'd easily screw up, and be drawn away from God all over again.

Things are a little better now for me, but these kinds of emotions are still something I wrestle with every day. I haven't been in a relationship for 18 years...and when I focus on that, it feels very disheartening. I'm currently 43 years old, and while I still believe in both love and marriage, I must confess remaining single is starting to become pretty frustrating. To paraphrase a popular saying, "I'm sanctified, but not ignorant."

After my divorce from my horrible first wife I was not in a relationship for 18 years too.

 

[Joshua_Belyeu]

After my divorce from my horrible first wife I was not in a relationship for 18 years too.

In defense of my ex-girlfriend, she had both good and bad traits, just like I did. The best one was her eyes - they were a completely hypnotic color of sapphire blue. When I often looked her in the face, I was rendered completely speechless.

And while I'd like to say it was just one thing that drove us apart, that wouldn't be true. We both had very firm beliefs regarding certain things, and neither of us were willing to budge very much. I was also deeply conflicted about my faith, because I knew some of our choices were going against God...but I loved both Him and her, not wanting to lose either one. So that just added to the overall stress I was going through, and I think she quickly picked up on it. After a while, she started emotionally withdrawing from me, which drove me crazy because I didn't completely understand why. Our tempers got the better of us as well - we got into several vicious arguments toward the end, and things were said on both sides that caused very deep wounds. I can't speak for her, but I know I still haven't fully recovered from mine. That whole time of my life taught me some very important lessons, about why certain things are restricted by God before the proper time. I've repented, so I know I'm not going to hell for my sins...but those memories really do hurt sometimes. When you allow the deepest parts of yourself to become such closely linked with someone else, and then that connection is broken...well, its like a part of your own soul is suddenly missing. I'll always love my ex, in certain ways...but I also recognize that I'm better off without her in my everyday life.