The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Easter Islanders were having a hard time at Christmas but Christmas Island was now where it was at. Santa had ingeniously secured an Island off the coast of Iceland as another colony for his unicorn/reindeer. Easter Island economy was going down the tubes and it had been that way for hundreds of years while everyone there waited and waited for a foreign Cargo King to rescue them

Easter Island was infested with rabbits and the natives were trying to make them into bunny slippers to fit in shoeboxes for the christmas rush. It was all Megs idea. She was always having brilliant ideas after her crocs and jibitzes sold out. When she and her family visited everyone in Easter Island bowed down to her and she thought she had finally found a home. Blow California. There was nothing to do there but act.

Harry was good at shooting things and made a somewhat live video game of it. He made sure the islanders were armed to their teeth and congratulated anyone who bagged over twenty three rabbits.
When Harry and Meghan appeared on the red carpet rolled out for them in their pyjamas and bunny slippers with children in tow they caused a sensation and now sleepwear was the new evening gown and pyjamas the new tuxedo.

Kate the Great was not amused, as Meghan was upstaging her royalty monogrammed undies enterprise where most of her income came from. She didnt want to bake organic cookies and sell them to fund the monarchy like her father in law did.

Meghan can have Easter Island, huffed Kate. She looked on her golden globe and spun it around. I can have an island too. I think I'll have.....

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny, we have picked up some extremely important intel from that Antarctic region which considers itself a country. Oh, very well, what be it this time? Yet another cold summer? Ms Jenny was not impressed with her agency, but this time they’d been lucky.

Kate the Great has spun her golden globe to find her own island. She’s hands down furious at Megs, not to mention envious. It seems like the snowmobile gangsters, also known as the Mosestarian Intelligence, detected the words “spun” and “globe”. Whenever that happens an alarm goes off down yonder. How so, or rather, why? Ms Jenny inquired. In those parts implying that the earth is a globe, well, they consider such information high treason. But Kate the Great is not a Mosestarian? Ms Jenny said with a surprised laugh. You don’t understand, they consider everybody on earth a traitor of the flatlands if he or she publicly says that the earth is a globe. So if I say that the earth is round I will be punished for that? Yes, Mylady, they say that everybody saying that is pushed down from the edge of the earth. Kate is in grave danger now. They will not rest until they catch her. But she didn’t say anything publicly? Ms Jenny protested. If the Mosestarian Intelligence Agency could pick it up, it is as good as a public broadcasting, the intelligence officer huffed.

Have they caught any yet? And how do they push somebody down from an edge that doesn’t exist? I don’t know, Mylady, but I do know one thing. The Antarctica is an edgy place.

 

[Lanolin]

That big island down there...Antichristica?

Oh you cant have that one said Wills. Thats taken and besides its frozen

Not its not look..according to legend nobody lives there.

Er...

I will change the name to Antartika. Then everyone will know its mine. Said Kate the Great, with a K

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny was in a mighty thoughtful mood one evening. Did you know that physicists in high regard believe that we are just a simulation, she asked her secretary of defense. We’re aware of their position, he said in a defensive tone, but we will wait and see. You know, Ms Jenny pressed on, they say that the low speed of the light is one of the factors that make them believe that somebody outside of our perception is just playing us. And I remind you, these people are the brightest minds on earth. The light is fast, the SOD said, there’s nothing in the universe faster than the speed of light. Correct, but these people question why it is so relatively slow compared to what we believe is the size of the universe. My lady, what are you implying? I’m simply saying that we should pay some attention to these things, what if you, my dear, are just a collection of binary numbers?

 

[Lanolin]

Princess Charlotte really wanted a purple unicorn for Christmas and had been praying every night for one.

Dear God please send me a purple unicorn to complete my collection thank you in advance from Charlotte.

Princess Charlotte knew she would get one if she prayed hard enough, after all she had everything given to her in the past because she was third in line to the throne and nothing was off limits. And her grandad told her he was the head of the church of England and owned all the land, from sea to shining sea. And the cattle on a thousand hills. Or something like that.

Princess Charlotte taught her little brother Louis how to pray. He prayed for pineapple.

 

[Lanolin]

Keisha had just finished watching the Crown. All six seasons.
I met the Queen once and shook her hand she told Britney the Chippette. But I dont remember meeting the ghost of Princess Diana?

Keisha, had played a Queen in Queen Kong and the Virgin Mary in the Nativity movies was now out of work looking for her next gig

She recorded a Queens Christmas message to be played on the Lanovision since King Mittens needed captions and people were more familiar with her face.

On Behalf of Mr and Mr Santa Claus and Santa Baby I wish you all a Merry christmas and especially to those babies who are unfortunate enough to be born on Christmas Day. You are special too. To all those who are ewes who are pregnant and who have decorated their stables, you are what make Lanolinland great.

The cattle lowed and the sheep bleated in unison across Lanolinland farms that were now full of wilding pine christmas trees that were planted over placentas in the nationwide trees for babies scheme. King Mittens waved his paws and had arranged cat treats in every stocking to be airdropped by flying unicorns.


President Lanolin turned off the Lanovision and turned to Thor who was thawing out a frozen pizza . Am glad Keishas got a new job. She looked out the window. Am I dreaming or am I actually having a White Christmas?

 

[Moses_Young]

Ms Jenny was in a mighty thoughtful mood one evening. Did you know that physicists in high regard believe that we are just a simulation, she asked her secretary of defense. We’re aware of their position, he said in a defensive tone, but we will wait and see. You know, Ms Jenny pressed on, they say that the low speed of the light is one of the factors that make them believe that somebody outside of our perception is just playing us. And I remind you, these people are the brightest minds on earth. The light is fast, the SOD said, there’s nothing in the universe faster than the speed of light. Correct, but these people question why it is so relatively slow compared to what we believe is the size of the universe. My lady, what are you implying? I’m simply saying that we should pay some attention to these things, what if you, my dear, are just a collection of binary numbers?

The on-duty chief of the Mosestarian Intelligence twirled his mustache in amusement.

"Listen to this!" he blurted excitedly.

The on-duty chief turned up the volume on the International Spy-Vision so that his trainee could gain an appreciation of the primitivity of some of the Jennymaesian scientists, as Ms Jenny discussed with her Secretary of Defense the speed of light and what the Jennymaesian military apparently believed were some of the brightest minds on earth.

"But it's so Einsteinian!" protested the Mosestarian Intelligence trainee on hearing the conversation. "Wasn't it the great Nikola Tesla himself who outed Einstein as a beggar clothed in purple whom ignorant people took for a king, nearly a century ago?", the bearded trainee continued incredulously.

"Almost correct," encouraged the on-duty chief. "Tesla was too kind to insult Einstein directly, so his insults were more targeted at Einstein's theory of relativity rather than Einstein himself. However, he did indeed liken the proponents of relativity to witches and warlocks rather than scientists - in those days, witches and warlocks were described as 'metaphysicists'."

"So does this mean..." the Mosestarian Intelligence trainee began to ask another question.

The on-duty chief of the Mosestarian Intelligence nodded before the question could be finished, twirling his mustache with delight. "These savages have not even discovered the theory of quantum entanglement. Little do they realise that a quantum-entangled electron at one end of the universe will change its spin in synchronisation with its quantum-entangled twin at the other end of the universe, at speeds effectively far greater than the speed of light..."

The trainee shook his head in disbelief.

"'No wonder then that the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria - may his eyes be ever blue and his grip be ever firm - says Jennymaesia is not a civilisation even worth destroying," the on-duty chief of Mosestarian Intelligence finished. "And I won't even mention what these Jennymaesians believe about the shape of the Earth".

 

[jennymae]

The on-duty chief of the Mosestarian Intelligence twirled his mustache in amusement.

"Listen to this!" he blurted excitedly.

The on-duty chief turned up the volume on the International Spy-Vision so that his trainee could gain an appreciation of the primitivity of some of the Jennymaesian scientists, as Ms Jenny discussed with her Secretary of Defense the speed of light and what the Jennymaesian military apparently believed were some of the brightest minds on earth.

"But it's so Einsteinian!" protested the Mosestarian Intelligence trainee on hearing the conversation. "Wasn't it the great Nikola Tesla himself who outed Einstein as a beggar clothed in purple whom ignorant people took for a king, nearly a century ago?", the bearded trainee continued incredulously.

"Almost correct," encouraged the on-duty chief. "Tesla was too kind to insult Einstein directly, so his insults were more targeted at Einstein's theory of relativity rather than Einstein himself. However, he did indeed liken the proponents of relativity to witches and warlocks rather than scientists - in those days, witches and warlocks were described as 'metaphysicists'."

"So does this mean..." the Mosestarian Intelligence trainee began to ask another question.

The on-duty chief of the Mosestarian Intelligence nodded before the question could be finished, twirling his mustache with delight. "These savages have not even discovered the theory of quantum entanglement. Little do they realise that a quantum-entangled electron at one end of the universe will change its spin in synchronisation with its quantum-entangled twin at the other end of the universe, at speeds effectively far greater than the speed of light..."

The trainee shook his head in disbelief.

"'No wonder then that the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria - may his eyes be ever blue and his grip be ever firm - says Jennymaesia is not a civilisation even worth destroying," the on-duty chief of Mosestarian Intelligence finished. "And I won't even mention what these Jennymaesians believe about the shape of the Earth".

The Jennymaesian resistance chuckled in unison. “I knew it!” Their leader, the Great Sir Scott, put a match to his enormous cigar and lit it with a superior grin on his full bearded face. “The government is a joke!” His infamous #2 nodded eagerly. “A joke, Sir! Truly a joke and an embarrassment to the country. When we find out what this quantum entanglement theory is we will easily be able to take over”. The leader, the Great Sir Scott, glared at his #2 with disgust in his arctic blue eyes. Not only was the man parroting his every word, but he was plain stupid as well.

“We don’t need to know what that theory is. We just need to know that the so-called government is a scam”, the Great Sir Scott said in a disgusted voice. Once again #2 had failed to recognize the important aspects in a bundle of information. It was like when he was sent out to find out what was going on when the government was having secret meetings and then he reported back what they had for dinner.

“We’re going to capture them before their next meeting at her castle”, the Great Sir Scott announced, “and then we’ll take them out to sea and throw them out into the great abyss of darkness at the edge of the world”.

“Ain’t out yonder sum big ol’ ice wall?” a rural member of the resistance asked. “Ow we gon climb it?”

The Great Sir Scott smiled viciously. “Then we’ll just make them walk the plank…”.

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin was sitting opposite Thor. On the table was a frozen pizza on a plate that had been microwaved at 600 watts for 4 minutes and 30 seconds.

Thor enthused about this new technology called the 5G Quantum nanowave that zapped frozen food and made it edible in less than a minute. He took another frozen pizza and put it in the new 5G test oven this time for 59 seconds.
He said that, this new technology was faster than the older microwave ovens and perfectly safe. The smart technology was able to deliver, provided you invested in a 100 litre chest freezer at the same time.

Miss Lanolin, prepare to be amazed at my super fast cooking skills and Norwegian ingenuity. I dont just make balsa wood rafts.

 

[Susanna]

@Moses_Young and @jennymae should pursue a career in writing. It’s really entertaining to read their pieces lol.

 

[Lanolin]

In the Lanolinland parliamentary library Miss Goodbooks cast her bespectacled eyes over the enormous card catalogue that she was now converting to hold seeds. She pulled out one that said 'The Books of Moses Young'

Moses Young? I didn't know we had that. Looks like children's bibles. That doesn't belong here, I shall send them down to the junior theological department.

She put it aside in one pile to be delivered by pigeon post.

Then underneath a pile of shoeboxes she saw it. Miss Jenny's banned memoirs from the time before she was Empress of Jennymaesia. Unread and neglected. Fifty shades of Grey! Exclaimed Miss Goodbooks. I thought that book had gone missing!

 

[Gojira]

You and your narratives... You all make me sick. You're all banned! All of you! Banned, do you hear?!? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[jennymae]

In the Lanolinland parliamentary library Miss Goodbooks cast her bespectacled eyes over the enormous card catalogue that she was now converting to hold seeds. She pulled out one that said 'The Books of Moses Young'

Moses Young? I didn't know we had that. Looks like children's bibles. That doesn't belong here, I shall send them down to the junior theological department.

She put it aside in one pile to be delivered by pigeon post.

Then underneath a pile of shoeboxes she saw it. Miss Jenny's banned memoirs from the time before she was Empress of Jennymaesia. Unread and neglected. Fifty shades of Grey! Exclaimed Miss Goodbooks. I thought that book had gone missing!

“Good thing she didn’t get what the real title was, Mylady”, her maid said when hearing about the atrocities of the good Ms Goodbooks. Ms Jenny could not but nod. Her past was officially something that had never happened. “We have to make sure that book is burned asap!” Ms Jenny was already crying. “Ma’am, I’ll make the book administration take care of it”, the maid assured the cry baby empress. “It’ll be like the book was never written!”

“You think that’ll work?” Ms Jenny wasn’t sobbing as heavily anymore. “Oh yes, I’ll make sure they imprison both the author, the editor and the publisher until they get rid of those crazy ideas”.

Ms Jenny opened the book. It was a mockumentary screenplay about her life in the trailer park. The real title was “Filthy Grades of Pay”, and was not leaving the Empress much honor. Quite the contrary.

She had to wage war against some random country to make the public eye forget this.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine was dusting the book shelves in the former office of President Lanolin, who was taking. a mighty long leave in Norwegia. Something about a spending a White Christmas with her new ally, Thor.

A shipment of pickled herring had turned up in Lambton Quay for King Mittens on a balsa wood raft.

The Kelp Kurtain remained closed. But Miss Greenlips noted a book that looked looked a bit out of place. The Art of War.

She opened the book, where it was bookmarked and out fell a slip. Oh no, its overdue gasped Miss Greenlips Hine. If I dont return it President Lanolin will be banned from borrowing books! Then she'll never be able to rule this country by proxy. Isnt that right King Mittens?

King Mittens just nodded and purred.

 

[Gojira]

Little did she know that the random country she picked had secretly developed a laser beam gun that could wipe out the earth's crust beneath an offending government.

 

[jennymae]

Little did she know that the random country she picked had secretly developed a laser beam gun that could wipe out the earth's crust beneath an offending government.

“My lady, we can’t attack North-Gojira, they have some sort of secret weapon and an unstable leader. My advice is to attack a defenseless island after a multitude of false flag incidents on our part”, her top dog general said flatly.

“Really? I was so looking forward to attack that country and put its leader in his place”, she responded disappointed.

 

[Gojira]

“My lady, we can’t attack North-Gojira, they have some sort of secret weapon and an unstable leader. My advice is to attack a defenseless island after a multitude of false flag incidents on our part”, her top dog general said flatly.

“Really? I was so looking forward to attack that country and put its leader in his place”, she responded disappointed.

Life's full of disappointments.

 

[Lanolin]

What's happening? Keisha was distracted with The Crown. She'd come to the end, and it seemed Netflix weren't doing anymore, and were now inserting ads in the middle of their tv series for other empires. If you don't like the British monarchy, try another!

Wonderland was looking wonderful.

 

[Lanolin]

Jacinta had a white wedding to her fisherman boyfriend, officially becoming a fishwife. Sausage snapper and paua rolls for everyone! She danced among the vineyards, ignoring the paparazzi helicopters and anti vaxers playing 'I dont want no scrubs' loudly with placards that read 'we hope you get covid again' who camped outside the estate.

Her husband popped a breathmint and kissed her on the cheek. Lets go on 3 year cruise for our honeymoon. Then those pesky anti vaxers wont bother us.

That's a good idea, smiled Jacinta. There must be somewhere on the planet where we can eat our fish and chips in peace.

Jacinta had regretted instituting the traffic light system when she ruled the North Island during the pandemic. It just made people angry and gave people road rage. But that was what her political advisors had told her to do when she was studying politics at university. Everyone understands traffic lights, they claimed. How wrong they were!

 

[Lanolin]

Guns or butter muttered Kevin

He was trying to figure out what would be a better import/export business model for Lanolinland

Last time we had guns, he reasoned, people went a bit crazy and ended up accidentally shooting themselves in the foot. But when we had butter, people were dying of heart disease from consuming too much.

King Mittens had no use for guns or butter. In fact, he quite liked the pickled herrings from Norwegia and the balsa wood rafts they were sending to the harbour. They had pretty flags.
Meow he said

Kevin had a brainwave. How about an export/import economy based on fish and chips?