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I'm new here. I am a single mom of two college age kid. I've been divorced for ten years. I need prayer, or maybe just direction, or conversation....not sure. I've been praying for three years and things still continue to slide. Since 2011 I've lost my brother, my dog, my fiancee, moved with my kids four times, have been in two serious car accidents, one almost fatal, got a DUI in 2012 (out of character for me, and the first time anything remotely like that has ever happened to me - and no, I don't drink now). As the DUI case was going through the courts, my sister and the only person I had to turn to with all my legal storms, died. A month later the DUI was filed in court. I spent months going to court appearances and always alone, and each time took all my strength to walk through those doors and be told again by strangers what a horrible person I am. When I pled guilty, I lost my job. I'd spent all my savings on transportation costs getting to and from work, trying desperately to keep my job. I went to jail for two weeks. When I came out my mom was showing marked signs of dementia, and I couldn't help her - no money, no car, no job - and in November of 2013 my employment ran out. I could not find a job, even with a college degree and sending between 80-100 resumes a day. I struggled and fought so hard to hold on to mine and the kids home - sometimes i didn't even buy groceries for myself so I could make my payment on my house. I had nowhere to go, no money or job, so no one would've rented to me. In February of 2014 I lost our home. I was totally, utterly devastated. Heartbroken. I truly had believed God was going to save our home, spare us from going through this and being separated. I honestly believed God would not allow us to be separated after everything we'd gone through as a little family. My belongings and furniture went into storage. My son moved in with my ex-husband, my daughter moved there also, and then onto campus. I moved in with my mom. Into a tiny tiny cramped and cluttered house where there wasn't even room for just her, let alone her and me. I've lived this past year out of a laundry basket and a box. I have to pay $140 a month to the court, $70 a month for my storage facility, and until recently had to pay $50 a week for a DUI class. I'd gotten a tax refund last year and have been living off of that. It's gone. I've applied to every place I can think of for a job, and it's not even getting to the place where I tell them about the DUI and they don't hire me, I'm not even getting responses on applications or on my resume. I've never had this happen before. I have a degree and good experience. I have no car, no money, and now my mom cant be left alone, so the difficult job of finding a job has just gotten even more difficult. I am having to look for work at home jobs. I am basically alone 24/7 in this bedroom because my mom and I do not get along, try as I do, we just dont' get along. I can't talk to her about any of this, I can't talk to her about how scared I am to have no money, how heartbroken I am to not live with my kids anymore, how disappointed I am in myself and the place my life is now. I lost my best friends thru this, they just didn't want to deal with all of my storms and battles. I've even lost the support (emotional) of some family members. I am trying to believe there is a reason for all of this beyond just punishment. I've been punished a thousand times over for that mistake. I lost everything because of that mistake. And the irony is I'm not a drinker. If I was a drinker, then these past three years would've probably been a bit easier to get through. You can't numb your pain or your fear with Pepsi. My relationship with God has just been up and down. I am still so hurt and heartbroken that I had to lose my home, and my kids. Being apart from my kids like this is just draining me and I just feel pain. I miss my siblings who have died. Even my brother-in-law died eight months ago, and I've known him all my life pretty much...he'd been a brother and a substitute dad for me. I've just lost so many people and so many things, and I feel homeless, penniless, and worthless. I've somehow held onto my faith, meaning I've not turned away from God, but so many times I've started to pray and thought "things always go wrong after you pray, why are you praying? You want more things to go wrong??"....I'm afraid of God and not in a good way. In a way that tells me I could lose another person I love in a split second, and it doesn't matter how I feel or how it affects me, God will do what God wants to do. I feel abandoned by God, I feel this way a lot. I have already had many conversations with God about all of this, and I'm always totally honest with God about everything I'm feeling and thinking and doing and struggling with. I am struggling with such depression and loneliness and grief. I don't know who I'm supposed to be now. The person I was is totally gone. The person I'm maybe supposed to be is nowhere in sight. And so I'm i between and I'm basically no one right now. This isn't self pity, please don't say it is, I don't feel sorry for myself. I blame myself. I'm angry with myself. Being a parent is the most important thing I've ever done and I feel I've failed that. My kids tell me I haven't failed, that I've shown them how to be strong and deal with mistakes and pain, and for that at least I'm glad. But so many sides of my identity have been destroyed. I just don't even know what direction to even turn in now. I'm sorry this is so long.....just a lot on my heart.
