Yes a lot of things weigh me down you know.
A lot of 'facts' ...i could go on and on about them. Including my own faults. I feel like I have reached a dead end at times. I have 2 siblings both of whom have Schizophrenia. The elder one had it years ago when he was 15 and the middle one is whom I was close to , she developed it in 2018 or 2017 am not sure.
It's my mother's side Aunt who apparently had it first. I don't know if that means it ran in the family. Both my grand parents didn't have it. I was very close to the middle one , my elder sister but when she developed it , I felt like I didn't know her anymore. She had delusions and hallucinations and voices speaking to her , she would call the voices are from God but oh it wasn't. It made her suffer , voices told her she has kidney problems , turned out wrong , she was prophesying things which were wrong , tossed about until a psychiatrist prescribed an anti psychotic to her. That's when she stopped having the hallucinations and voices. Some of the hallucinations she had involved 'the blood of Jesus' appearing on her body. All of these things even shook my faith a lot , I considered how can a person have hallucinations which had a christian theme and how could God allow that. It turns out she had a lot of wrong misconceptions about Christianity and her approach to God at that time. She believed God didn't want her to dye her hair...and she had already dyed her hair and some youtube video showed that dyeing your hair and wearing some stuff can send you to hell...she went with these videos of those so called 'christians' which deceived her into madness. There could have been a lot of factors surrounding her at that time like the fact that she was sitting at home all the time after she quit her job and my brother who was already schizophrenic harassing her about the fact that she quit and saying nasty things and at that time my faith was also shook and I was myself struggling in medical school and my beliefs and couldn't offer her true comfort. I can say I didn't go out of my way , to say things that would have brought her relief. I said things I thought a christian should say and offered comfort but the kind a superficial christian would , I would refrain from saying anything that made me feel threatened of my eternity , that is , things which related to God , I felt if I said something , God will be upset , even if that would have comforted my sister. In fact when she started having hallucinations , I initially even believed they were from God. How miserable and deceived I was to think so! It was my dad who is also a Christian , who identified it as abnormal after he came home (he wasn't at home because he had work in some other state) and because my mother called him to come home. Fast forward to now.... I see no trace of the sister I knew in my sister today. She seems completely different with perhaps a few traits of hers that she had from before. It is hard to comfort her. It is easy to see she has some hatred for me for no reason these days. She has suspicion on others. But the thing is....you might think my mother and father are free from diseases. But hold on. My dad has depression since many years and is still on his medications but he is doing well by God's grace. My mother has delusional disorder and is also on anti-psychotics. And me....? Well I was diagnosed with depression in 2019 and am on anti-depressants ever since. I live in a house full of mental diseases.. yet , the sad thing is , there are things said that are almost hard for me to forgive that person for. For example my brother threatened to rape me many times and even once to my horror said he would make me pregnant. It is very hard for me to write these things. It reminds me of what I was subject to. I am not sure if this is ptsd. I don't know if this comes from his mental illness or his nature. He has a lewd thinking towards me which makes it hard for me to roam about the house freely without being ogled at and he would smile to himself while looking at me and has said things that are very nasty. When I was suicidal once , he took the opportunity to encourage me to commit suicide and that too not once but again and again while I sat doing no harm was minding my own business. His illness or if it is his nature , Idk , but it makes my life miserable. But when it comes to forgiveness....i try to forgive but the truth is I don't even know if this is his nature or his illness because he was a violent kid (who frequently fought with us , said lewd things , hit our puppy with a hammer on a regular basis) even before he developed schizo.
I am currently living in this habitation and can't call it my home because it doesn't feel like one. I dread coming back to this home even as I was in school and college and even when I started working or even when I go for an outing these days , I just don't feel like I am coming to a proper home where you relax. I lock myself in my room because of those threats and whenever I come out , I am stared at. I have told this to my parents but they are very lenient with him and thinking it stems from an illness , they excuse his behaviors. But if such a behavior is causing their other kids to face mental oppression , why don't they act? Because he is their son? . Because I do not think that if one of their daughter did this , the results would be the same. My sister despite having schiz is not violent, she has other issues but not hurting others , atleast not like him. He is 30 and is living in this house. I think i was hoping for him to get a job and leave the house but he hasn't, he keeps telling my parents he will but he doesn't.
Which means I should leave this house. But how easy is it. Recently i sought to rent a 1 bhk and live away from my parents. And the response was pathetic. My mom widened her eyes to tell me how miserable I will be and this world is not safe (a repeated thing she says) , but I wonder if this house is safe! I am getting depressed ....and feel miserable. I would have to face my parents rejection to get out of this house. I would have to face them completely going against me and moreover I am not sure I know how to live alone and what I would have to do to survive alone. I just don't know. And for all this , it seems the question of forgiveness comes in my court....but how do you forgive someone who doesn't even think it is wrong to make their sister a sexual target and will continue to do it and will never ask forgiveness for that thing? who eerily says it in the absence of strong people around me , who stares at me when there is no one , like am a lonely target ... and it is traumatizing to afterwards even speak about it to parents who will let him get away with everything.
What should I do..? Where should I go..?
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