My friend, I am both wonderful and hurt at the same time. Let me explain . . .
Once when I was in ER for a really bizarre, earthly panic attack, the nurses kept asking me how I was doing. I responded with: "My Spirit is perfect, my body is good, but my heart is broken." I said all of those things each time they asked of me, with tears streaming down my face.
A type of Trinity that we are . . . we are body, spirit, and Heart/soul. This is why when someone asks you how you are doing, you may answer from any of the three persons that you are. One day you might be physically hurting and will respond to the question from the physical perspective, while another day, and with a broken heart, you will answer the question from that perspective. As I began to ponder my pain and misery, I began to see these separations of person, and that the Bible deals with each of them.
One of the biggest, most important passages in the Bible that helped me to understand my suffering . . . is this:
1 Corinthians 6:13 NKJV - "Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body [is] not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body."
Yes, the passage references food and (specifically) sexual immorality, but the point of the passage is clear . . . this body is not our own, nor has it ever Truly been. Therefore, does it even need to be satisfied by a man or woman? No, it doesn't. In fact, no one has ever died from not having intercourse . . . not even close. AnnaMarie, this passage is the one that did it for me. I read this and it hit me like a sledgehammer to the facial! It made so much sense!
As a Christian man or woman, we are to Serve the Lord. That's it! Now, part of the Eternal Plan is that Christ would suffer, but more than this, the Eternal Plan shows that the Lord's Children must also suffer as did their Lord and Savior. The question is . . . will we Endure? AnnaMarie? Will you endure this process that you're in? Is it possible that you might be able to look beyond your own body, a body that you know is filled with sexual goodness for a man, and realize this . . . "Oh my goodness. My desires should not be about sex, but about Service to my Almighty, Powerful God."
I know this: My God did not create me so that I could enjoy the plethora of women that I did, in fact, enjoy through my former, Pre-Transformed life. I now see things so clearly . . . that having the absolute best of women that a man could have . . . I see that it was all so utterly fruitless. Intimacy is fun and if done right . . . the single most beautiful thing that a man and woman can share together . . . but as said, no one dies from this!
Since I left my last girlfriend, I haven't even so much as been on a date, nor am I seeking one. I will not be intimate with another woman . . . ever . . . again. I have been on this path for years; hence, I know that I am Truly committed (by the Power of God only). Though we never were married, she was and will remain my final Spiritual wife, and though she continues to accept many seeds from many men, I will remain True . . . and not just to her, but also to God. Is this not also what it means to pick up our cross and to carry it? Doesn't carrying our own cross also mean that we have chosen to give up our free right to sin . . . to seek sexual aid from others?
As for me . . . I am liberated! But get this . . . my life is so much worse than it was before. "What do you mean?" You might ask. AnnaMarie . . . I know for a fact that you will agree with what I am about to suggest, and it's this: Pain and suffering is the greatest teacher! Trust me, you're probably not going to be hurting and suffering forever, so that means that once you are on the other side of this lousy, Evil pain, the Lord will have given you so much wisdom and understanding. Do you know what this means? It means that through pain and suffering (in the shadow of Christ), your wish of helping others (since that of a little girl) will be met that much more!
AnnaMarie . . . if you are able, do not look upon your circumstances as painful, but as a gift. I know that it hurts wildly, but you are being refined by fire! I do not believe that you are being disciplined, necessarily (or you could be - I am not a prophet), but I do know that with the right perspective, you can view each ugly event of your life as a beautiful gift. Think of Joseph and all that he went through before he became equal to Pharaoh. It's ok! Like Joseph, our sufferings confirm who we are! Your suffering confirms who you are . . . as does your strong desire to help others. These are all the signs of being a True Daughter, a True Child of God!
I know that it is very difficult to have this perspective while in the midst of such struggles, but you must practice in thinking these ways. You must practice. You must practice. You must practice. If you do not practice at Transforming your mind, it will simply never happen. Therefore, it is time to stand up; tell yourself that these problems are not really yours, but your husbands. You're going to get up and tell yourself, "I am so done with feeling like crap over this. Why? Why choose to feel this way when I don't have to? Why carry this man's guilt and shame, only to transfer it onto my shoulders as self-hatred? No more! I am not a piece of crap!"
And you are NOT a piece of crap. You are a Holy, Beloved, Amazing, Powerful Child of God, and He is bringing you out of Egypt so that you can hold your head high!
Leviticus 26:13 NLT - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high."
You are in bondage right now, but as you can see, God is telling you that you are to hold your head high! You are to believe in yourself and anything less is unacceptable for His beautiful Daughter whom He hath created! And He created you . . . and as we just mentioned, He did not make you to be a piece of crap. So Endure!
I have been in battle with Adult Protective Services for two years. This has been the most unbelievable, painful thing I have ever imagined. I have faced being put onto a Registered Offenders List for the lies that have been perpetuated against me. Even the state does not support me . . . no one has, not even a single "christian." I have failed miserably to keep a positive perspective at all times . . . I have been terrible in that way, but I have Endured! And I will continue to Endure! I capitalize the word Endure, but it is a most Holy Word with the most amazing implications. I could write and write and write, for there is so much more information needed so as to help you get over this worldy, ugly, nasty hump that you're in. But, hang in there . . . you are vastly important.
As a recovered alcoholic that often lived in blackouts as does your husband (I know this because the booze is giving him PED), you may very well get his attention by buying insurance to protect you, the house, your things and money from a drunk husband. Do it and it just might wake him up. I fell asleep at the wheel going 65 and side-swiped a car, nearly killing the occupants and myself. Trust me, protect yourself from his habits, but do it with Love. Tell him that you Love him desperately and that you all need that protection. He is going to hurt someone, and you and I both know that he doesn't want that.
Do your best to look beyond the booze . . . and remember that the Lord can change any heart that He so desires. You nor I can change a heart, but He can and does . . . Jesus is in the business of changing hearts.
I believe in you 100%!
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