Recently quit porn, confused about how it all happened

[JamesVaughnIntellivert]

So this is a WEIRD story! forewarning read at yer own risk. So I was addicted to porn since I was 13-14 and never felt bad about it as it was a sort of coping mechanisim for me to deal with the stress that we kept moving houses, and pubert had come and gone and life was OVERWHELMING. I wanted to quit for almost the last 1-2 years but I almost felt powerless to do so as I wasn't feeling guilt about it. I recently last week got over it but it was rather odd how it all happened. So I was being a dork online anonymously browsing an online dating website to see how it all works, and I was kind of bored. Now, I have really never had feelings for girls, im not gay btw, but even if I had a crush on someone it might last a few days and I would get over it. as Im scrolling through the list of girls in my area, at like the seventh or eight one I went from bored to wide eyed and jaw dropping. I stared at her for a good hour, my heart pounding. I had never had feelings for a girl like this before, let alone at first glance. It hit me so fast I had no time to react and it sunk in. I was starting to get a little confused. Later that night when I went to get my nightly dose of porn(I needed help), I all of a sudden saw the girl in a mental sense (that I instantly had feelings for even though i never met her) watching me and looking at me as if I was cheating on her or something. I was like "OH NO SOMEONE IVE NEVER MEET IS MESSING WITH MY HEAD! AGGGGHHHH!" but then I looked back at the porn and all of a sudden it disgusted me to my stomach. It was REPULSIVE. at this point i'm like thinking that something WEIRD is going on. I rapidly felt sick to my stomach with guilt. I started praying and was sort of like "Are you giving me a conscience and a way out of porn now as it finaly repulses me?" I was getting nauseous by the minute then I got the song in my head "Trust and obey, for theres no other way, to be HAPPY in Jesus..." you know the rest. Im like "OK here goes!" I go into the folders that I had my stash and hit shift - delete. 7-8 GIGABYTES and almost nine years worth of porn gone INSTANTLY. The stomach feeling gone just as fast. I prayed and repented and asked the Lord for strength moving forward to not fall back into the trap. I thought it would be difficult to quit porn so I couldn't ask for something better. I have ZERO desire to view porn going forward. Im a tiny bit cautiously optomistic about that but Im just glad I got out of porn. But then I was confused about this love at first glance crush I all of a sudden had. Im 18, shes 21 and ready to marry, Im barely ready to move out. None of this would have happened without seeing her on that site, but the quitting porn was a total God thing, so Im trying to figure out where she falls into this situation. Not to mention i havent really ever been that intrested in girls. I was in sin messing around on that site anyway, but without doing that none of this would have happened. Im very confused because there isnt much possibility that I would meet her ever and so I kind of want to move on and continue single till im more ready for a relationship as im a superitrovert that values aloneness. Any and all advice is appreciated THANKS SO MUCH

 

[Mii]

Miraculous deliverance is a great thing, that's awesome that happened for you.

Just pray and seek on the female issue...People do meet by seeming "chance" sometimes. To the Lord it isn't but to me it is hard to put another word to it. Depending on where you met this female and what she's all about, a private message would be an option, just to see if conversation develops. If you met her on a site where people meet up for flings, be cautious. Just because she's anti-porn (and I've met females that I don't think are believers and are disgusted by it and think it's cheating)

That doesn't mean she's relational material for you, but perhaps you needed a wake-up call. Could be a right relationship, you have to seek on that. Be mindful if you've left any open doors anywhere. I've found in the past that just when I think I've closed them all, one may be open just a crack somewhere.

 

[JamesVaughnIntellivert]

I geuss that it being a metephorical wake up call makes perfect sence. Thanks for the advice Mii I wouldnt have thought of that.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Paragraphs are your friend. Walls of text are not.

 

[Tararose]

Hey, I just want to thank God with you. It is God who works in us first to will and then to do His good pleasure.

I think you had a revelation of how things are in Gods world. It is about love, if you were to walk in love To others then you couldn’t watch porn.

If you ever find a potential spouse, you wouldn’t want to be faced with this revelation at that point. God wants us to set us free from Everything that Christ had to pay for on the cross. Thank God He helped you to see a woman with the eyes of God, in effect how amazing a gift they are to mankind and how we should have eyes for our spouse only.

I pray that you stay strong in your freedom and that you find a woman who helps you in your walk with Christ. As for this lady, there is nothing wrong in contacting her. If she turns out to be a believer who is walking with the Lord, then who knows but if not, just take it as Gods mercy to help you wake up and deal with your sin