You're right....it did make me mad. And that's because I doubt all of what you just said. At least when it comes to myself anyway. Maybe God loves and cares about other people, but he certainly doesn't give a flip about me.
I don't think God wants me to be happy. I think he wants me to be down in the dumps all the time. I don't know....maybe I did something wrong. Maybe my parents did. Who knows. I say that because I always wonder why my life is the way it is.
I fear that my luck is never going to change. I keep hoping for some kind of miracle that will take away or relieve my worries and burdens, but nothing ever happens.
So things will actually get better for me? Don't take this the wrong way....but I'm not going to hold my breath.
I feel like I'm the man in the iron cage that John Bunyan wrote about.
In fact I wrote this poem today because sometimes I don't know how else to deal with all that is inside except to pour it into writing and perhaps it was also meant for you as well I do apologize of how long it is but I hope it can help you even if only a little
Searching and traversing in the vast darkness of the oceans of my ouwn soul, I search and seek for anything good anything that radiants light but see only the vast waters that illuminate nothing. How broken, how wounded how weak and how low am I? how empty how poor how low am I? how sinful how imperfect and how far have I fallen?
as the spirit of god first traversed the oceans of the dark world in the beginning so do I traverse the oceans of my own heart seeing nothing but still lifeless water and darkness and I drown myself in tears. I craddle myself with my own arms as the tears cannot stop falling, I curl into a ball as I imagine what it must be like to be anything other than myself what it must be like to be strong and without the crippling reality of my loneliness. How I day dream of warmth and comfort, how I create such imagery of love and strength in my own mind as I fall into the oceans ready to give in to the darkness that I cannot escape.
For if i sink maybe then the pain can end, for if I give in perhaps I am finally free. I begin to sink into the waters with my final thought that I only pray no one will ever have to know this kind of suffering. as I am almost gone I hear an unexpected tune begin to play, how soft and quiet it begins but rises and echos across the oceans waters. I peek up out of the dark waters just out of curiosity and see as the waters are rippling, a wind is gently stirring soft and yet growing in intensity.
Without my doing my body begins to rise out of the water as if being lifted by an unseen hand as I hear a voice suddenly singing with words that are strong and filled with such life, the tuine is without words and the words are without tune yet the words I hear ringing across the ocean sings more than a warrior more than a hero more than what you see.
Over and over these words are sung rising in volume stirring the winds more and more the still dark waters creating now overwhelming waves as I am tossed to and fro. Still rising being lifted by this unseen hand aas the tunes and words sung echo and ring stronger and stronger filling me up as I look at the horizon I am now facing. But what is this I see? I see a sunrise never before seen, never before have my eyes known such wonder as the amber colors and warm scarlet clouds are ever before me.
Without my knowing I am now above the waters and as I notice this I look at the waters which instead of the dark void that I have known are now a brilliant shinging blue shommering with life radiating a glow as if it needed no light to shimmer but has a light of itself. The words more than a warrior more than a hero more than what you see. contue to be sung with an angelic choir as if all of heaven all who have gone before all who have lived all who have been there were singing in unison
again my eyes are flowing for I say to myself surely this can not be me surely I am not anything good, my heart aches and bleeds even more and am shattered completely broken for I am gone I am no more. And yet though I am gone without conscious without feeling or thought I am beside someone.
I know not who it is or where my existence is for I know that I am no more yet I am? My vision returns to me and as swiftly as I was no more here I am in the arms of someone. I remember these arms, the warrmth of them the firm strength aligned perfectly with gentleness even the smell of the clotihng that embraces me I have known them as if a memory from several lifetimes ago faint yet I know it.
Where is my pain? where is my brokenness? the bleeding has stopped as if never there to begin with and my thoughts no longer clouded. I look up finally realizing where I am and who it is that I have been embraced by, I once again am drowned in my tears but not for the same reason as before for I know the face of who I look. can it be? is it possible by any universe or existence? am I finally in my heaven? is he finally mine can I finally rest?
As if knowing my thoughts the king smiles warmly and his eyes shimmering as if trying to hold back tears and without speaking without words he holds me close.
When before his hearts thougts were veiled they now are clear, the agony and pain he experienced watching me suffer in my own tears alone and broken, the tears that I flooded as big as the ocean his tears covered the earth many times over, the weakness I felt he mourned the longing for love and warmth he so desperately wished to give so much so it tore his soul into pieces.
But in an instance as we both embrace each other our two hearts are healed and mended as if two lovers who were separate peices of one heart finally together and made whole as if they belonegd to each other from the beginning and such was the reason for all the pain and suffering for they were meant for eac h but were not together.
Without looking back and without a second thought my past and my suffering my emptiness and my dark waters were as if a faint memory as if hundreds of lifetimes ago and my beloved and I walk to the secret garden that I have coveted in my heart the place my soul longed for and even somehow knew even if only vaguely like a familiar scent or a place that feels you know somehow and together we play and live together never to be apart again