NO, YOU do not understand me, you see I had fallen for a FALSE GOSPEL, and it totally did not happen, until I was willing to surrender to HIM.
I WAS PROUD OF LIVING MY LIFE MY WAY! You see the Church that I was a member of, TAUGHT to tell people they need to SURRENDER to JESUS was WORKS RIGHTEOUSNESS. I committed SUICIDE THREE TIMES in on week, the last week of 1977, two months before my 29 birthday. Yes, I was raised in a Church, and thought I was a Christian, because I took up space on a pew, and day-dreamed through every SERMON. I was NEVER A CHRISTIAN, but THOUGHT I WAS, ONLY BECAUSE I WAS IN CHURCH MOST SUNDAYS.
The reason for my SEVERE DEPRESSION was my wife told me On Christmas Eve, after we married six months prior to that; that SHE wanted a divorce, because I could not earn enough money to buy the things she wanted to buy. Some Reason! I hit bottom BIG TIME, and did not care if I hurt my parents, or brother and sister, or even my friends. I JUST DID NO WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DAY, and I REALLY WANTED TO END IT ALL, AND
CEASE TO EXIST! The first two times was with a Pistol with a hair trigger. I had the Pistol against my temple with the trigger half pulled, WHEN SHEAR TERROR OVER CAME ME, and I Dropped the Pistol.
That TERROR was way beyond what even a Mass Murderer could put in my heart, with KNIFE TO MY THROAT, could EVER PUT IN ME. I tried it again two nights later and the SAME TERROR OVERWHELMED ME.
PLEASE, NEVER TEST GOD THIS WAY, BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS, NEVER:
Matthew 4:7 (NRSV)
7 Jesus said to him,
"Again it is written, 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"
The Third Time I attempted SUICIDE was after I had saw a Road Crew pour a layer of very thick Gravel on a Dirt Road near my place, and I KNEW the Loose Gravel was the MOST DANGEROUS SURFACE TO RIDE ON. I went to my favorite watering hole on my Motorcycle, and continued to drink until I was three times as drunk as anyone had a right to be. We the Bar Closed I went home, ONLY to drop my Helmet OFF. And then went out to the loose gravel road. Thinking GOD probably did not exist, I looked up at the Sky, and TAUNTED HIM, as I cranked the Throttle
WIDE OPEN a few yards from the Lose Gravel:
"If you exist, YOU CAN TAKE ME ANYWHERE YOU WANT ME ON THIS MILE!" I shouted it at the top of my voice.
I kept the throttle wide open, and somewhere about the half mile mark, I remember thinking,
"This feels like Pavement." So I continued full throttle. When I got to the end of the mile, I briefly stopped perpendicular to the Mile of loose Gravel, just wondering what had just happened. So I slowly went home to think about what happened, and to SOBER UP.
It was about 4:00 in the morning, when I started to go to bed, because it all had still,
MADE NO SENSE, and when I crossed the threshold of the doorway something IMPORTANT HAPPENED TO ME. I believe THAT IS THE MOMENT THE HOLY SPIRIT TOOK UP RESIDENCE IN MY HEART. Wave after Wave of GRIEF and SORROW kept coming into my heart, for a couple hours; far greater than I have ever EXPERIENCED. That is the
moment the HOLY SPIRIT made my SALVATION REAL, starting with DEEP CONVICTION, and because I could not believe HE could forgive a GREAT SINNER LIKE ME; HE gave me the Vision or Dream of Being at the CROSS.
You can believe what you want,
but that MOMENT in time, is HOW I KNOW MY SALVATION WAS REAL, NOT BEFORE THEN. I KNOW I WAS STANDING IN THE GATES OF HADES AND HELL, BOTH NIGHTS I HAD THE PISTOL TO MY HEAD, READY TO WALK IN.
See Post #149,057 for the rest of the testimony.
