I don't usually do this. I'm not even bold enough to talk about my problems among a group of people. Whatever group they may be. It's not that I haven't. Although, I can't just go on by myself. I still have faith in Jesus. And I will continue to have that faith till my last breath. But I also need help. I need help, psychologically, spiritually, and in all other aspects of my life personally. I have a host of issues with me right now. And before I go any further with this, if any of you who are reading aren't comfortable with someone else's issues, I encourage you to stop reading and leave. Because I don't want to cause you any hurt because of me.
I'm not going to say everything of course. But I'm just going to be open about it. Here goes.
I was raised with Christian values and I did grow up loving Jesus and reading the Bible and being punctual for Sunday service. Thinking about God and everything. I always call on God for help even when the small things are concerned. And when important life decisions are made, I pray and then take those steps. I'm an imperfect Christian. That's how I view myself. Of course, if someone would give me constructive feedback, I will take that.
I've gone through a lot of physical and mental abuse growing up. Raised by a single parent. I have insomnia and eating disorders. And I'm good at getting away from a traumatic situation on my own. But that never meant that that's never bothered me. I have and still am severely traumatized at times. I'm very good at hiding that from my family. I don't show them how I feel or how they can make me feel alone at times.
I'm a single man. I've never been in a relationship with a girl. But I'm to blame because I never asked my colleagues out for a cup of coffee or anything. Not that I haven't been out with women. I feel I may not be suited for a married life because of the lifestyle I've chosen. I want to ascend the ranks of Brazilian jiu jitsu. Start my own school one day and run a business like that and be of service to society doing what I love. Of course for this, you need a partner who is supportive and understands your situation. Most people look for monetary compatibility where I'm from. Of course, I never made a move because I don't have enough to support the person whom I might love. I've watched women I like get married and settle down all because I never made a move to tell them my love. I loved a woman for four years and didn't tell her because I knew that I didn't have a steady career. At least not the traditional career people have. 9-5 job. I pursue a sport and want to establish myself as a sports athlete and run club for a living. I have my vision in life and it is long term.
Of course, marrying a rich woman or a woman who provides is an option but I don't approach love that way. Besides, it's hard to find someone whom you can love. You cannot just love any woman. I'm choosy too when it comes down to that. But I'm also a responsible person. Have always been. So till now I have not placed any woman in jeopardy because of what I want selfishly. And I haven't had many opportunities and was not in a good emotional state to accommodate a lady in my life at certain times of opportunities when they presented themselves before me.
I have enjoyed going out there and training, competing and doing what I love. I am in the fitness and sports industry and it's what I want to do. What I want is not what everyone wants and most people won't get what I'm trying to do for myself and accomplish in my life. It's usually a lonely road. Maybe I am to blame but I will not be happy doing a 9-5. Some people are good that way or just find it in themselves to do that. I can't do that. I've tried. At least I can't do something else when I know I'm supposed to be pursuing what I am pursuing in my life right now. I am super complex as a person. But I'm not closed. I can be open.
My mother is schizophrenic, religiously fixated. She has trouble deciphering my emotional state and at times I feel that she is insensitive to my life situations and my feelings. She can be soul crushingly harsh. And sometimes, she is. But I put up with it because of what happened to her and how she gave her life for her children and wanted nothing but the best for us. She still does. Yeah well I'd like to visit a counselor or something. But I have my ways of purging negative energy from my life. I'd like my mother to visit a counselor and seek help but she has never looked out for professional help. As a result she suffers from mental illness. Things can flare up to a fght in my house over trivial matters and miscommunications with my mother. I've no problems with my brother but matters can get worse with him too because he is family and each of us have gone through so much. Of course, we come from a Christian home. But one that's endured severe trauma. We've crossed a lot of days fighting each other. It has been hard. Sure, I am mature enough to move on. But I feel my other family members especially my mother, she just can't forget the bad stuff that happened. She keeps talking about it everyday. I have my ways of handling all this. But, I can be open about it here. I'm open to suggestions and any advice. I welcome the prayers of my brothers and sisters here.
So those are some of my problems. Just venting it out. I'm tired of it. I just thank all of you for listening to this and for your patience if you're still with me
I'm not going to say everything of course. But I'm just going to be open about it. Here goes.
I was raised with Christian values and I did grow up loving Jesus and reading the Bible and being punctual for Sunday service. Thinking about God and everything. I always call on God for help even when the small things are concerned. And when important life decisions are made, I pray and then take those steps. I'm an imperfect Christian. That's how I view myself. Of course, if someone would give me constructive feedback, I will take that.
I've gone through a lot of physical and mental abuse growing up. Raised by a single parent. I have insomnia and eating disorders. And I'm good at getting away from a traumatic situation on my own. But that never meant that that's never bothered me. I have and still am severely traumatized at times. I'm very good at hiding that from my family. I don't show them how I feel or how they can make me feel alone at times.
I'm a single man. I've never been in a relationship with a girl. But I'm to blame because I never asked my colleagues out for a cup of coffee or anything. Not that I haven't been out with women. I feel I may not be suited for a married life because of the lifestyle I've chosen. I want to ascend the ranks of Brazilian jiu jitsu. Start my own school one day and run a business like that and be of service to society doing what I love. Of course for this, you need a partner who is supportive and understands your situation. Most people look for monetary compatibility where I'm from. Of course, I never made a move because I don't have enough to support the person whom I might love. I've watched women I like get married and settle down all because I never made a move to tell them my love. I loved a woman for four years and didn't tell her because I knew that I didn't have a steady career. At least not the traditional career people have. 9-5 job. I pursue a sport and want to establish myself as a sports athlete and run club for a living. I have my vision in life and it is long term.
Of course, marrying a rich woman or a woman who provides is an option but I don't approach love that way. Besides, it's hard to find someone whom you can love. You cannot just love any woman. I'm choosy too when it comes down to that. But I'm also a responsible person. Have always been. So till now I have not placed any woman in jeopardy because of what I want selfishly. And I haven't had many opportunities and was not in a good emotional state to accommodate a lady in my life at certain times of opportunities when they presented themselves before me.
I have enjoyed going out there and training, competing and doing what I love. I am in the fitness and sports industry and it's what I want to do. What I want is not what everyone wants and most people won't get what I'm trying to do for myself and accomplish in my life. It's usually a lonely road. Maybe I am to blame but I will not be happy doing a 9-5. Some people are good that way or just find it in themselves to do that. I can't do that. I've tried. At least I can't do something else when I know I'm supposed to be pursuing what I am pursuing in my life right now. I am super complex as a person. But I'm not closed. I can be open.
My mother is schizophrenic, religiously fixated. She has trouble deciphering my emotional state and at times I feel that she is insensitive to my life situations and my feelings. She can be soul crushingly harsh. And sometimes, she is. But I put up with it because of what happened to her and how she gave her life for her children and wanted nothing but the best for us. She still does. Yeah well I'd like to visit a counselor or something. But I have my ways of purging negative energy from my life. I'd like my mother to visit a counselor and seek help but she has never looked out for professional help. As a result she suffers from mental illness. Things can flare up to a fght in my house over trivial matters and miscommunications with my mother. I've no problems with my brother but matters can get worse with him too because he is family and each of us have gone through so much. Of course, we come from a Christian home. But one that's endured severe trauma. We've crossed a lot of days fighting each other. It has been hard. Sure, I am mature enough to move on. But I feel my other family members especially my mother, she just can't forget the bad stuff that happened. She keeps talking about it everyday. I have my ways of handling all this. But, I can be open about it here. I'm open to suggestions and any advice. I welcome the prayers of my brothers and sisters here.
So those are some of my problems. Just venting it out. I'm tired of it. I just thank all of you for listening to this and for your patience if you're still with me
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