My marriage story

[Lanolin]

oh I dont get the children not have to clean their room thing.
Thing is if they dont, then just leave it a mess and do not under any circumstances go in and clean it for them. They will learn they need to clean it themselves. if its just your husband wants to be the one who tells the children what to do, then let him.

if they dont clean their rooms or do their washing they'll just start to smell and probably get sick from lack of hygiene and get fleas. But thats on them not you cos you arent their maid right?

 

[Hungry]

oh I dont get the children not have to clean their room thing.
Thing is if they dont, then just leave it a mess and do not under any circumstances go in and clean it for them. They will learn they need to clean it themselves. if its just your husband wants to be the one who tells the children what to do, then let him.

if they dont clean their rooms or do their washing they'll just start to smell and probably get sick from lack of hygiene and get fleas. But thats on them not you cos you arent their maid right?

Clearly you don’t have children.

 

[Lanolin]

Clearly you don’t have children.

thank goodness I have about 350 of them at school and they have teachers who will teach them how to keep clean, if their parents dont bother with basic hygiene, they tend to smell. This isnt good when you cooped up in a room with them...

to disciple means to teach, not punish.

 

[Lanolin]

I would just change the approach from telling the children what to do, and actually teach them until they get it.

a lot of parents dont really teach their children, They just order them around. No child wants to do chores for no reward.

 

[presidente]

One of the examples is raising children and discipline. If I tell our children to do something (like clean their rooms or do chores) and they complain to him and he tells them they don't need to, knowing what I told them, it's like he's saying they can ignore me and don't need to listen to their mother. I was always taught that parents should be unified, at least in front of their children, and if they disagree to do it away from children so they won't look weak or like they aren't a team.

It seems likely that he has not thought this through. There may also be some value in the children seeing that mommy and the kids have to follow daddy's lead. I try to be on the same page with my wife when it comes to children's discipline. I would not be pleased if the kids asked me for permission to sneak around their mom's decision on something. Were you being particularly harsh with the children?

Have you discussed with your husband? Have you asked him to back you up when it comes to directing and disciplining the children so they won't be confused or won't try to separate you two?

The other is disagreements. Let's take wearing a head covering. We never talked about it, but hypothetically, what if I disagreed with him about it and he said that because I disagreed I wasn't a Christian. Not just that I should submit to him and wear one, but that even if I do it but disagree with him about it in my mind, I'm not a Christian. That's what it was like. Just by having a different view from him on some topic, it meant I wasn't saved or didn't love God, even though of course I do. We disagreed about God's emotions one time. He said something like God is not in time and doesn't have a body (except Jesus?), so his emotions can't be anything like people's feelings. But I thik that God does have feelings and can understand us. So he became furious for some reason and said I wasn't a real Christian because I didn't believe in the spirit nature of God and have a child's view of God as just a powerful person in the sky, which isn't true.

If someone were saying that Jesus were not the Son of God, did not die for our sins, and/or did not rise from the dead, I could understand the comment, 'You are not a Christian.'

The example you gave does not sound like a direct disagreement. It sounds he was saying God has feelings but they aren't like ours, and you were saying God has feelings.

I have encountered the idea once from a poster online that God does not have 'emotions' because etymologically 'emotion' contains 'motion' which implies change, and God does not change. That was a junk, folk etymology type argument, IMO, and it contradicts scriptures which are rather specific about God having anger, not being able to bear israel's cries for help against oppressors, repenting that He made man, being grieved, etc. It's a neo-Platonic idea about God, not somethign from the Bible, IMO.

Be that as it may, i can understand why you would be upset if he said, 'you are not a Christian' over this sort of thing.

Maybe some kind of counseling would help with this. It would not have to be a trained counsellor. This is a Christian doctrinal and behavioral issue. A pastor or other mature believer well-versed in scripture may be able to give some advice on this.

Another thing is missions. I always wanted to be a missionary. But he always said it's not the right time. I felt called to go many times, but he keeps saying no, it's not God's time. He says we can wait until later in life. But I feel sad and frustrated because I keep waiting and he's prevented me from what I feel is my calling. It's like he wants to wait until we're 70 years old and retired. I feel so stuck. Maybe it does feel like God is telling us different things. He is always so sure that God is telling him something, but what if I think God is telling me something different? It seems so convenient that God is always telling him what he wants, what he wishes to believe.

Well, that is one of those things that isn't directly in the Bible, that you are to be a missionary or when. Does your husband want to be a missionary?

Living overseas can be tough. Being a missionary can be tough. If you go the traditional American missionary route, you live off donations. If your husband and you are not in synch, it would be rather hard to really work together on the missions fie.d

 

[tbrew20]

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

You are not alone I have one of those husbands, he tells me all the time I am not a Christian because I do not know the scriptures by heart and calls me a baby Christian. I find that to be an insult to be honest. Your husband sounds like mine and they are the ones with the issues not us and one thing I hate most is to be forced to accept things and do things when I am not ready, and instead they feel its okay to talk down to us, like I tell my husband bring me in and teach me but instead, what he does is chat with the females here on Christian chat, he coaches them and gives them advise, he has told me so but he cannot include me in the conversations because he does not want me to hear how intimate the conversations get, Like whatever. But when it comes to me what he does is he is going to heaven and I am going to hell that the coaching and advise I get from such a savvy Christian man. People like that in my opinion are the ones who will not make it into heaven unless they repent for their behaviors because they are hypocrites and look down on people because they know the scriptures.

In my opinion you need to continue to be humble and a good person and believe and love God and when YOU are ready at some point in your life you will get closer and know GOD in a more intimate and personal way but not by being forced by your spouse to do it when they tell you to do it. I am a good Christian, I too love God so I ask why in my spouse view am I undeserving, who is he or they to judge they are not saints, they are not holy and they are not GOD. They in my opinion are not humble and good Christians. They are actually closed minded people in my opinion they know it all but they know nothing the sad thing is that they are nice to everyone else except their spouse, we see their true colors. Everyone thinks the world of them but they are not any better than we are, yeah they may have more knowledge of the bible but in my opinion that means nothing if they cant act like true Christians and lead by example instead of forcing Christianity from their own views, without allowing discussions because they get offended when you tell them that their behaviors are not that of a Christian.

I am sorry I am ranting and this is just my opinion, I am not telling you to leave I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I at times do not feel happy either, but in my case there are other things besides this in the mix. One thing I am working at is that no one can make me/you happy. Happiness starts with you, be or try to be happy with the person you are, Love yourself, look at your life and your accomplishments and thank God for your blessings because in the end its about your sanity not theirs, we have the power to control us, we cant control them, and we can control the situations by walking away we do not need to be forced to anything until we are ready. I believe we all have a purpose and when the time is right you will hear Gods calling.

 

[tourist]

You are not alone I have one of those husbands, he tells me all the time I am not a Christian because I do not know the scriptures by heart and calls me a baby Christian. I find that to be an insult to be honest. Your husband sounds like mine and they are the ones with the issues not us and one thing I hate most is to be forced to accept things and do things when I am not ready, and instead they feel its okay to talk down to us, like I tell my husband bring me in and teach me but instead, what he does is chat with the females here on Christian chat, he coaches them and gives them advise, he has told me so but he cannot include me in the conversations because he does not want me to hear how intimate the conversations get, Like whatever. But when it comes to me what he does is he is going to heaven and I am going to hell that the coaching and advise I get from such a savvy Christian man. People like that in my opinion are the ones who will not make it into heaven unless they repent for their behaviors because they are hypocrites and look down on people because they know the scriptures.

In my opinion you need to continue to be humble and a good person and believe and love God and when YOU are ready at some point in your life you will get closer and know GOD in a more intimate and personal way but not by being forced by your spouse to do it when they tell you to do it. I am a good Christian, I too love God so I ask why in my spouse view am I undeserving, who is he or they to judge they are not saints, they are not holy and they are not GOD. They in my opinion are not humble and good Christians. They are actually closed minded people in my opinion they know it all but they know nothing the sad thing is that they are nice to everyone else except their spouse, we see their true colors. Everyone thinks the world of them but they are not any better than we are, yeah they may have more knowledge of the bible but in my opinion that means nothing if they cant act like true Christians and lead by example instead of forcing Christianity from their own views, without allowing discussions because they get offended when you tell them that their behaviors are not that of a Christian.

I am sorry I am ranting and this is just my opinion, I am not telling you to leave I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I at times do not feel happy either, but in my case there are other things besides this in the mix. One thing I am working at is that no one can make me/you happy. Happiness starts with you, be or try to be happy with the person you are, Love yourself, look at your life and your accomplishments and thank God for your blessings because in the end its about your sanity not theirs, we have the power to control us, we cant control them, and we can control the situations by walking away we do not need to be forced to anything until we are ready. I believe we all have a purpose and when the time is right you will hear Gods calling.

This is a very sad story, but like you have said, you are not alone for there are others that are in abusive marriages. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.

 

[SophieT]

what he does is chat with the females here on Christian chat, he coaches them and gives them advise, he has told me so but he cannot include me in the conversations because he does not want me to hear how intimate the conversations get

he sounds like a pervert who should be reported if this is true

 

[sueofaslan]

what he does is chat with the females here on Christian chat, he coaches them and gives them advise, he has told me so but he cannot include me in the conversations because he does not want me to hear how intimate the conversations get

Wait, what!? Your husband doesn't want you to see how intimate his conversations with other women are? I might be overreacting but that sounds like emotional unfaithfulness at the least.

 

[presidente]

Wait, what!? Your husband doesn't want you to see how intimate his conversations with other women are? I might be overreacting but that sounds like emotional unfaithfulness at the least.

The comment was a cause to be concerned, but I think you should be careful about jumping to this kind of accusation.

 

[justahumanbeing]

I am not married. So, I don't know much about husband and wife relationship out of personal experience. But I have seen domineering husbands during my lifetime. And I have seen domineering wives also. What you owe your husband, I think you are giving him that. Loyalty. From what you have shared, your husband controls you. According to the Bible, you have to submit to your husband.

But what your husband is doing to you is treating you like you aren't human and like you have no emotions or ambitions in life. I'm sorry to hear this. I cannot say what you have to do. You have to make decisions on your own. But I'm going to give you a few of my thoughts on what you've shared. You consider that. And maybe, it will help you.

1. So, you have a problem speaking to him and conveying the message to him verbally and you are not able to. Have you tried leaving hand written notes or whatsapp texts to his mobile on failed conversations? You should give a detailed description of what you feel to him and insist that he go through it thoroughly. Don't leave a failed conversation to lie in his victory. But continue it through whatsapp message writing clearly and as shortly as possible what it is you want to convey.

2. What he's doing to you in front of your children in wrong. He cannot reprimand you in front of them for correcting their mistakes. He has to respect you as the mother of his children and you have a say in the matter of raising them. Your wishes do matter.

3. Your husband has no authority to judge you and criticise your personal beliefs. You are allowed to either believe or not believe. You are a Christian by choice. Not because you are forced. No one can force you to accept something unless you want to. Jesus never said someone has to follow Him. You have the freedom to choose. So if you say you are a Christian, then you are one, end of discussion. Don't allow anyone to judge you personally. Well, you have already allowed it so far. But you have to think how you can bring a change to this.

4. You want to do missionary work and your husband is stepping you down from doing it. You want to do missionary work, not something wrong. As long as you can prioritise your marriage and your children and husband, then you should go for it. You'll have to eventually break the news to your husband. Do it. Then tell him that you're doing it. But prioritise your family please.

5. The thing about life is that you can never force someone else to do with you your hobbies and what you like. If your husband wanted his wife to do something he wants even if that is not to her liking, that's being selfish.

Mam, there is a lot going on in your marriage. He seems to not give you the opportunity to tell your discontent to him. You need a counselor. Hopefully a pastor is good. But you could opt for a counseling specialist who has the necessary qualifications and is a professional. If you feel that that particular counselor is not helping you reconcile with your husband, you could try a different one. What you are sharing here to us must be shared with him. Trust me. You cannot live a happy life with a spouse like this. Children will grow up and you cannot count on them always. You seem to think you can fend for yourself, that is good.

In Ephesians Chapter 5, the Bible says that a husband should love his wife. The wife submits to the husband because he loves her as he loves himself. If your husband is unable to do this, you have to take action.

The Bible also says, "What God has brought together let no man separate." But does your husband love you? From what you have shared, he seems abusive of his authority as a husband. You have to have a serious talk with him. He cannot judge you. No one can. If you're going to put up with this the rest of your life, trust me, it will affect you. It will affect your children also.

When I say you have to have a talk with him, I mean that you should have a talk with him with someone to mediate. It may cost you some money. But it could save your marriage. Please don't keep things locked up within you. You have to be open about it. The person concerned must know how He is treating you. And there should be someone to step in to explain his flaws and what he feels are your flaws and the two of you must work together to settle differences. Common ground must be reached.

You take what I've shared with you here with a grain of salt. Think about it. I'm not telling you that you should do like this or like that. You know what to do, it's your life and your family's lives. I just wish for you to realise your dreams and live a full life within this marriage. I don't want to say anything negative. What is impossible for man is possible for God. Keep everything in prayer. Do what feels right to you. God bless you and your family.

 

[Lanolin]

ok is there a particular denomination that your husband is from because from the headcoverings to the weird one sided discipline to the closed missionary window Im thinking you both come from completly different backgrounds or denominations.

And the marriage sounds rather unequally yoked for a few reasons, but it wouldnt be if you were from the same background because then you could talk about it and refer to scripture and both be on the same page.

also is there a big age difference is your husband much older than you, that can play a part in his paternalism or overbearingness, Older Husbands often treat their wives like little girls instead of the women that they are.

 

[presidente]

ok is there a particular denomination that your husband is from because from the headcoverings to the weird one sided discipline to the closed missionary window Im thinking you both come from completly different backgrounds or denominations.

And the marriage sounds rather unequally yoked for a few reasons, but it wouldnt be if you were from the same background because then you could talk about it and refer to scripture and both be on the same page.

also is there a big age difference is your husband much older than you, that can play a part in his paternalism or overbearingness, Older Husbands often treat their wives like little girls instead of the women that they are.

I think I came up with the head coverings topic as an example. The Bible does not say not to be 'unequally yoked' from someone from a different background. It says not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, but marriage is not mentioned in that context.