My marriage story

presidente · Jul 12, 2021

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are facing. A lot of things you write are things I can relate to. I would guess many married people can relate to these ideas, at least during windows of time when we disagreed with our spouse.

If my wife and I get out of synch, something that works for us is if we humble ourselves before the Lord in prayer and ask for help in our relationship, then each confess our own sins to one another (without accusing). After we have forgiven, then we can discuss things the other did that bother us. You could talk about his following you around during arguments at that point. It might help for you both to intentionally do some things to have enjoyable times together. It could be doing activities together, hugging and kissing, etc. Whatever it is that you two enjoy.

Time apart--separation-- is not a good solution to the problem. The Bible says, 'Let not the wife depart from her husband....'

Also, if you have a disagreement, try to stay calm. If it relates to how you do things in your marriage, you can say, "I do not agree with your interpretation, but I will submit to you because you are my husband." For example, let's say you disagree on head coverings, and he wanted you to wear one. You could say that and wear one out of submission to him. Even if you did not agree with the interpretation, hopefully, that would resolve issues.

MatthewWestfieldUK · Jul 15, 2021

MatthewWestfieldUK said:

How's your situation going?

sueofaslan · Jul 15, 2021

Lanolin said:

There were times when I'd want to discipline my children or tell them to do something, and he's argue with me in front of them saying I was wrong. I'd want to punnish them for misbehaving and he's come and say, why are you punishing our child? He'd ask me what our child had done and why I was punishing him, like I was being interrogated, like I was the one who was wrong. He'd often undo the punishment, like if I took something away, he'd give it back. I felt like I couldn't teach or discipline our children because he'd just argue with me. I don't mind discussing discipline and punishment, but I always though parents shouldn't argue like that in front of children because it can undermine the paren'ts authority. That's how i felt, like he was taking away my authority in front of our children.

Maybe it's just normal, I don't know, but it seems like they don't listen to me either. Children are just like that sometimes, though, so it might have nothing to do with him or our relationship.

sueofaslan · Jul 15, 2021

presidente said:

When we talk about our past arguments, it feels like I'm always the one admitting to something wrong, and never him. I'll remember what he did, but he'll either not remember or not think it was wrong. It's like we have different versions of events.

I don't think Bible versus about not separating or divorcing are about every situation.

LOL I don't think I would wear a head covering even if he wanted me to. Sorry but are you serious?

sueofaslan · Jul 15, 2021

MatthewWestfieldUK said:

I"ve agreed to talk to the pastor with him. I tried talking to him about how I felt, but it just ended up being the same kind of discussion as always. Maybe talking to someone else there will help, someone with an outside perspective. We had counseling before, but I didn't feel comfortable talking to the counselor, I don't know why. It was years ago.

Lanolin · Jul 15, 2021

cant say whether that is normal in marriages
regarding disciplining of children its either 'listen to your mum nag' or 'dont listen to your dad talk rubbish' in my household (my mum is the narcissitic one) so what happens is the children just leave home as soon as they can rake enough money in to leave. Although one has to stay behind to ensure they dont kill each other.

if you have someone who thinks they are always right and never wrong, they will project on to you Lord knows that most people dont listen to each other anyway.

Sorry not much help there. If you are christian couple wont you be praying TOGETHER or is it the case someone says their prayers and the other doesnt say a word just says amen at the end. Maybe you ought to speak up in your prayer time about how you feel, as God surely will listen and doesnt automatically see you as one every waking hour.

Lanolin · Jul 15, 2021

just reminded me about Hannah praying and her husband just mocked her, but then he had TWO wives. When I look at biblical marriages I think they had a whole ' nother set of problems lol

I wouldnt say that marriage is ever easy, like the getting married part could be but the staying married thats a whole nother story. Everyone probably has stuff that irritates someone else. You just need to ask God for a huge amount of grace to get through this.

presidente · Jul 15, 2021

sueofaslan said:

When we talk about our past arguments, it feels like I'm always the one admitting to something wrong, and never him. I'll remember what he did, but he'll either not remember or not think it was wrong. It's like we have different versions of events.

I don't think Bible versus about not separating or divorcing are about every situation.

LOL I don't think I would wear a head covering even if he wanted me to. Sorry but are you serious?

That would be an example of your submitting, even if you do not agree.

TheIndianGirl · Jul 15, 2021

What happens if the husband's actions are not aligned with God (e.g., husband tells wife to give false alibi to the police). What does the wife do then? Does the Bible speak to this type of example? No, I do not think wives have to submit to everything the husband says, especially if it is criminal (small or big).

SomeDisciple · Jul 15, 2021

sueofaslan said:

You've got to discuss discipline with him then, and figure out between the two of you what's acceptable and what's not- work out some guidelines that you agree on. Because here's the thing...

If a man just agrees with everything his wife says, even when she is wrong- he is a coward, and it will be very hard for his children to forgive that cowardice.

presidente · Jul 15, 2021

TheIndianGirl said:

A wife should submit to her husband as an act of submission to Christ.

A wife is supposed to submit to her husband as unto the Lord. If she sins against the Lord by submitting to her husband, that is not submitting to him 'as unto the Lord.'

TheIndianGirl · Jul 15, 2021

presidente said:

So you believe the wife should give a false alibi if the husband commands, even if that meant obstructing justice and an innocent man is found guilty? I am picking an extreme example here, but sometimes a wife is put in a position where she is asked to do something wrong.

MatthewWestfieldUK · Jul 16, 2021

sueofaslan said:

Well done for trying. There will be people here who will be available to listen too, if u need to vent. We all go through such stress. Is your pastor someone who u feel comfortable with?

presidente · Jul 16, 2021

TheIndianGirl said:

No, my last post was about why a wife should not do such a thing.

TheIndianGirl · Jul 16, 2021

presidente said:

Oops, I see now.

Lanolin · Jul 16, 2021

the difficutlty in this situation of the OP seems to be that her hsuband is right according to the Lord in his eyes but for her he is wrong and not unto the Lord in her eyes...so they reach and impasse

THere are these possibilities is God is telling the husband one thing and the wife something else? Like for example Jesus tells Peter to do something and John to do something different, he wont tell them to do the same thing. But they are still in their own ways following Jesus.

The other thing is maybe one is wrong and using God as a justification like the Pharisees
Or the wife is completely wrong and needs to swallow her pride.

I guess OP needs to give a concrete example so we know what exactly the issue is, its kind of hard to understand when its all vague...

sueofaslan · Jul 16, 2021

Lanolin said:

One of the examples is raising children and discipline. If I tell our children to do something (like clean their rooms or do chores) and they complain to him and he tells them they don't need to, knowing what I told them, it's like he's saying they can ignore me and don't need to listen to their mother. I was always taught that parents should be unified, at least in front of their children, and if they disagree to do it away from children so they won't look weak or like they aren't a team.

The other is disagreements. Let's take wearing a head covering. We never talked about it, but hypothetically, what if I disagreed with him about it and he said that because I disagreed I wasn't a Christian. Not just that I should submit to him and wear one, but that even if I do it but disagree with him about it in my mind, I'm not a Christian. That's what it was like. Just by having a different view from him on some topic, it meant I wasn't saved or didn't love God, even though of course I do. We disagreed about God's emotions one time. He said something like God is not in time and doesn't have a body (except Jesus?), so his emotions can't be anything like people's feelings. But I thik that God does have feelings and can understand us. So he became furious for some reason and said I wasn't a real Christian because I didn't believe in the spirit nature of God and have a child's view of God as just a powerful person in the sky, which isn't true.

Another thing is missions. I always wanted to be a missionary. But he always said it's not the right time. I felt called to go many times, but he keeps saying no, it's not God's time. He says we can wait until later in life. But I feel sad and frustrated because I keep waiting and he's prevented me from what I feel is my calling. It's like he wants to wait until we're 70 years old and retired. I feel so stuck. Maybe it does feel like God is telling us different things. He is always so sure that God is telling him something, but what if I think God is telling me something different? It seems so convenient that God is always telling him what he wants, what he wishes to believe.

Sculpt · Jul 16, 2021

sueofaslan said:

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

I haven't read the other replies, so sorry if I repeat anyone. I strongly urge you to tell your husband you'll only stay with him if you both commit to christian marriage counseling. At least once a week if not more; that you'd work out with the counselor.

This is because it sounds like he is not (willing) to understand what you are telling him, and embrace required changes for both of you. He needs to hear another objective christian, a professional counselor, explain it him. Also, you need to continue making it clear, he needs to do this counseling, or you are not willing to be with him.

God can change him. Separating, by itself, will not. It would be a miracle for him to change without counseling. Miracles do happen, but it's wise to make counseling a requirement.

SomeDisciple · Jul 16, 2021

sueofaslan said:

If it's something like this that's not a moral issue, then your husband has the authority... BUT- If you come to him and ask him if you can tell the kids to clean their rooms every time- I bet he will get sick of that REAL FAST, and stop intervening.

sueofaslan said:

I know that is a popular opinion, but it's wrong. You have to work things out AHEAD OF TIME so that you will be unified. THIS IS CRITICAL.

IDK why he has a problem with you telling them to clean, though... figure that out. Figure out why, but be humble... he may have his reasons.

sueofaslan said:

He's wrong. It's not a major issue to disagree over... Paul says not to deny a brother over a minor issue, (point that out) so he shouldn't be telling you that you aren't a Christian. I do implore you to study this with him, though. But don't say "this isn't important". Just because something isn't a salvation issue, doesn't mean it isn't important.

sueofaslan said:

Submit. That's doesn't mean stop talking about it. That doesn't mean give up. If he says it's not the right time, then it's not the right time.

Hungry · Jul 16, 2021

sueofaslan said:

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

My marriage story isn’t any better. Something happened this week that really has me thinking it’s time to end it.

My marriage story

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