My marriage is struggling

[JohnDB]

I understand this and agree with you. Are you insinuating however that if I get close enough to being what he wants that he will throw me away? I am very fluid and change depending on what he asks from me, though he still critiques me for my past actions i do genuinely change to the point where he will say "yeah you did change but you still did this". I'll take that as a victory. But not if it means I loose myself in him and then am thrown out. I guess these things are usually valuable to change to some extent anyway.

I would say hes content until I mention past events that weve never resolved. He has reasons that dont make sense or completely denies that they even happened despite all evidence.

I however am stuck walking a very thin tightrope as to not fall off of good behavior and complacency.

We are in couples counseling now, from a pastor but so far it's can tell hes not pleased as hes not getting what he wants from it. Its unfortunate. I think we will still continue to go for the moment being.

Pastoral counseling, in my experience, has been hit or miss....usually miss. They are so poorly trained and miss so many classic symptoms vx fixes....
Licensed sometimes aren't much better...had one flirt with my EX-wife while we were there for marriage counseling....

Which is to say that my faith in marriage counseling is that it only works if both are really willing to change to make the other spouse happier. One cant do it alone. One can be the sole source of issues in a marriage most definitely. And the illogical answers? That's only a maybe. Guys have a logic all their own at times....we actually can sit there and have absolutely nothing going on between our ears.
However, starting a marriage with an instance of infidelity? Already in marital counseling? You still have doubts about his fidelity? Somehow it's already at the point of belittling each other?

Sure, the first year of marriage is ALWAYS rough like a roller coaster. You are going to either be having physical intimacy or fighting with so little in between.
It's about boundaries....

And I have "tastes" in women with those with strong personalities and high intelligence. They also tend to be complete narcissists...
So I have some experience in this area. (My current wife is nice and works in Cancer research)
But I know way too much about narcissists and their habits. They want to control you until you are completely dependent upon them. They will isolate you in any way possible....the most subtle is to get you to isolate yourself from everyone (who could possibly support you emotionally or physically)

Narcissists dont just happen either....it starts out as a mild case and can either get better or worse as time goes by until they are completely psychotic or just rather normal for an American.

 

[Kainos]

We treat eachother well when things are going well and im being positive and not mentioning my problems. The issue is that there has been betrayal of sorts and now I am not comfortable with certain things. When I mention how I still mistrust, things get foggy again. Im expected to accept and move on despite not having any answers.

Do I continue to just move on despite the betrayal and continuance of sketchy actions? Is this enabling bad behavior in my husband that is leading him into sin...when I do hes happy. We get along but im deep down dying inside.

Or do I voice things and whats neglected comes and rises up to the surface and causes division.

I know I cant change him or give him a heart that wants what I want for us. And it would be wrong for me to insist on my own way...but the one thing I do want is faithfulness and a sense of importance. Not only in word but in action.

I cant tell if this is wrong.

Trust is not anchored by who we think someone is, but who we observe them to be in different scenarios, over and again. When our trust in someone has been betrayed, our assumption or perception of who we thought that person was is proven to be innaccurate.

Your husband has remained true to his nature, whether you were blissfully unawares or not. He strayed because 'knowing you' in the biblical sense cannot gratify the sin nature. Marriage can satisfy the libido, but it won't temper a man's desire to sin with another other woman. Sin will always want what it doesn't have; what is forbidden. Only Christ can change that.

The maddening lack of an explanation might pull your feelings and emotions from pillar to post, but you haven't failed your husband as his wife, and you're not accountable for his unfaithfulness. He is fortunate to have you. Pray that his nature might be changed, regardless of the outcome between you.

 

[Carlyw]

Trust is not anchored by who we think someone is, but who we observe them to be in different scenarios, over and again. When our trust in someone has been betrayed, our assumption or perception of who we thought that person was is proven to be innaccurate.

Your husband has remained true to his nature, whether you were blissfully unawares or not. He strayed because 'knowing you' in the biblical sense cannot gratify the sin nature. Marriage can satisfy the libido, but it won't temper a man's desire to sin with another other woman. Sin will always want what it doesn't have; what is forbidden. Only Christ can change that.

The maddening lack of an explanation might pull your feelings and emotions from pillar to post, but you haven't failed your husband as his wife, and you're not accountable for his unfaithfulness. He is fortunate to have you. Pray that his nature might be changed, regardless of the outcome between you.

This is very wise and insightful, thank you