My husband and retirement issues.

[Char65]

Hi, thank you very much for letting me join this forum, this is my first post and I am reaching out for help in regard to my marriage. I have previously posted on other non-Christian forums but they have not been much help as they didn’t really understand the issues and Christian values so thought this may be a better place to post.

Although I am a Christian and I regularly attend a lovely Church of England village church where we live I would not say I’m devout like my husband and had lived a non-Christian life before meeting him. We married when I was 25 and he was 38 back in 1990 so 35 years ago! He wanted me to be a housewife and a mother and paid me an allowance which was fine by me as he was a very high earner with a stella career and we had an extremely lovely house in the country and had four beautiful children (two boys and two girls) and now have two adorable grandchildren also so our marriage has been truly blessed. When we first married my mother-in-law who lived close by took me in hand and believed in the Titus verse,

“Older women are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands.”

Likewise, my husband has always been very serious and can be quite stern and strict with me and the children and very much believes “the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.”

In truth God has provided us a very good life and we have wanted for nothing. My husband always respected me and supported me with any discipline of the children and I loved being at home, looking after the children and the house, cooking, which I love and volunteering at the church and meeting friends and also going for hair and beauty appointments as my husband has always liked me to be very elegant which means being very slim, well dressed and nicely made up with my nails and hair beautifully done all day long. He also likes to look smart himself and always wears a suit and tie whenever we go out and to church.

I’m now 60 and he’s 73 so he’s been retired a while now and our youngest moved out a few years ago so it’s just the two of us which I’m finding very difficult. He likes us to do everything together and makes arrangements without telling me. We often go out for lunches and meet friends or away for weekends and as we are well off money is not an issue so it is difficult to raise objections as we always have money to pay for people to do things on the house and the garden and my husband is not much for DIY. I wish he’d take up golf or something as I miss my time on my own and when I had care of the children and shopping by myself.

I know that probably sounds very ungrateful and I feel guilty about feeling like this as I know it’s nice he wants me to do things with him and he has made sure I have my own pension and ISA’s and investments just in case anything happens to him but apart from going to my regular hair and beauty appointments which I really look forward to and occasionally volunteering at the church there is very little he’ll let me do on my own. He even comes shopping with me, not all the time but quite often.

The problem is he thinks everything in the garden is rosy and we have a great life together – which in a way we do – we never argue or anything and I know he’d be really shocked to know I have posted here in such a negative way about him because he is a good man and he has been a wonderful husband and an excellent provider for me and the children, it is just that I miss my own space!

Sorry for the length of this but wanted to explain in full!

 

[Godsgirl1983]

Hello @Char65
Welcome to CC.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

Welcome, Char65!

I think your post was quite positive with regards to your husband and the life you've had with him. The issue seems to be that you have had time alone that you appreciate, and now that time is very limited and you miss it.

You mention you're not devout like your husband. Have you surrendered your life to Jesus? Are you born again in Christ? Do you pray to God and read and study the Bible? I am hoping so. If any no answers pop up to those questions, then that is the more important area for you to make some changes.

After that, when you are surely walking the narrow path with Jesus, pray about how to be honest with your husband about your need for a little more time alone, and then approach your husband with that need. There doesn't seem to be anything in this that is negative with regards to your husband, it is simply your need for a little more time to yourself.

 

[Amargosa]

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

The third strand of a marriage “cord” is Jesus Christ. The Lord must be intimately involved in every aspect of a marriage for it to work. It would be wise for the two of you to attend church regularly and together. Also, the man is the spiritual head of the family. Your husband must take the lead on this.

Eve was not taken from Adam’s head to be above him. Eve was not taken from Adam’s feet to be below him. She was taken from his side to be his co-equal.

Pray together, go to church together and serve The Lord together. “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.“ Matthew 6:33 That is my & my wife’s life verse. Today is our 35th anniversary.

 

[Char65]

Hi All, and thanks very much for the replies which have been extremely helpful. Just a bit of background I came from a very ordinary family and I was a secretary in London. I met my husband at work, he was a manager and had been brought up in the Faith, it was through talking about religion that we first connected. I wasn’t Christian at the time although my grandparents were devout. Anyway, I did the ALPHA course and started to go to church with him. I really liked his family and him of course and was overjoyed when he asked me to marry him! So, yes we do go to church every Sunday and say grace at mealtimes and pray every night.

Posting here, and reading the replies, gave me the courage to talk to my husband last night which is kind of what I was hoping for! He said he felt we had both strayed from the path and that every night, after dinner we both needed to go to the study and read the Bible and prayer for an hour or so rather than watching television or wasting time in other ways. He said he blamed himself for not showing leadership and we needed to pray for guidance to set us back on the righteous path. He said he was grateful that I’d been truthful, open and honest about how I felt in terms of not doing so much together and that I’d done the right thing in the eyes of The Lord in telling him but he wanted me to be by his side as much possible and he expected obedience. I must say I was amazed at how calmly he took it!

 

[PAC-fit]

Praying for this blessed and model marriage! Question 'Char65', would any sort of new work-type craft interest you taking up?

 

[Char65]

Sorry PAC-fit not sure what you mean by 'new work-type craft interest', do you mean like a craft hobby? Probably my main hobby is cooking which I absolutely love (I cooked a Turkey meatloaf this morning!). I regularly bake cakes for the church coffee morning and volunteer for that - I was not great at flower arranging though. All in all I'd say I'm pretty busy most of the time what with the house, my husband and grandchildren.

 

[LightBearer316]

Hi, thank you very much for letting me join this forum, this is my first post and I am reaching out for help in regard to my marriage. I have previously posted on other non-Christian forums but they have not been much help as they didn’t really understand the issues and Christian values so thought this may be a better place to post.

Although I am a Christian and I regularly attend a lovely Church of England village church where we live I would not say I’m devout like my husband and had lived a non-Christian life before meeting him. We married when I was 25 and he was 38 back in 1990 so 35 years ago! He wanted me to be a housewife and a mother and paid me an allowance which was fine by me as he was a very high earner with a stella career and we had an extremely lovely house in the country and had four beautiful children (two boys and two girls) and now have two adorable grandchildren also so our marriage has been truly blessed. When we first married my mother-in-law who lived close by took me in hand and believed in the Titus verse,

“Older women are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands.”

Likewise, my husband has always been very serious and can be quite stern and strict with me and the children and very much believes “the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.”

In truth God has provided us a very good life and we have wanted for nothing. My husband always respected me and supported me with any discipline of the children and I loved being at home, looking after the children and the house, cooking, which I love and volunteering at the church and meeting friends and also going for hair and beauty appointments as my husband has always liked me to be very elegant which means being very slim, well dressed and nicely made up with my nails and hair beautifully done all day long. He also likes to look smart himself and always wears a suit and tie whenever we go out and to church.

I’m now 60 and he’s 73 so he’s been retired a while now and our youngest moved out a few years ago so it’s just the two of us which I’m finding very difficult. He likes us to do everything together and makes arrangements without telling me. We often go out for lunches and meet friends or away for weekends and as we are well off money is not an issue so it is difficult to raise objections as we always have money to pay for people to do things on the house and the garden and my husband is not much for DIY. I wish he’d take up golf or something as I miss my time on my own and when I had care of the children and shopping by myself.

I know that probably sounds very ungrateful and I feel guilty about feeling like this as I know it’s nice he wants me to do things with him and he has made sure I have my own pension and ISA’s and investments just in case anything happens to him but apart from going to my regular hair and beauty appointments which I really look forward to and occasionally volunteering at the church there is very little he’ll let me do on my own. He even comes shopping with me, not all the time but quite often.

The problem is he thinks everything in the garden is rosy and we have a great life together – which in a way we do – we never argue or anything and I know he’d be really shocked to know I have posted here in such a negative way about him because he is a good man and he has been a wonderful husband and an excellent provider for me and the children, it is just that I miss my own space!

Sorry for the length of this but wanted to explain in full!

Let me put my Freudian hat on... Please lay on the couch...

My take:
She’s not ungrateful — she’s describing a transition crisis many women face after decades of marriage, especially when caregiving roles (for children, home, etc.) end.
Her husband’s traditional and possibly controlling tendencies, which might have felt protective or even flattering when she was younger, now feel confining in retirement.
It’s not rebellion — it’s a yearning for individuality.

Christian Perspective
She quotes Titus 2:3–5 and Ephesians 5:23 faithfully, but the tone shows she’s struggling with how to live those truths while still feeling personally fulfilled.

Submission in marriage doesn’t erase individuality. A godly partnership includes space for both to grow — “two becoming one” doesn’t mean one vanishes.​

Encouragement could include:

• Finding joy and purpose in her own callings (volunteering, mentoring, creative service).
• Talking openly with her husband, expressing gratitude while lovingly sharing her need for space.
• Remembering that her identity in Christ is not lost in her role as wife.

Dear Sister in Christ,

Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. It takes humility and courage to express these feelings, and I believe the Lord honors that honesty. You’ve clearly been a faithful wife and mother, living out Titus 2 and Ephesians 5 with grace and love through many seasons of life.

It’s understandable that you now feel a sense of loss as your role has changed. When the children grow and the home grows quiet, the heart can feel an emptiness — not from ingratitude, but because God created us with both a need for relationship and personal fellowship with Him. Even Jesus, though surrounded by His disciples, often withdrew “into the wilderness and prayed” (Luke 5:16). Having time alone to reflect, pray, and be refreshed is not selfish — it’s spiritual renewal.

Your desire for space does not mean you love your husband less. In fact, Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” This may be a new season where the Lord is inviting you to rediscover how He wants to use your gifts, wisdom, and experience in fresh ways.

If your husband loves the Lord, you can prayerfully share your heart with him — gently and respectfully (1 Peter 3:4). Let him know how thankful you are for his care and leadership, while expressing your need for quiet moments of your own. Sometimes men simply don’t realize how deeply women value solitude with God and personal space to reflect.

Above all, remember that your worth and identity are not found solely in being a wife or mother, but in being a beloved daughter of the King. “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me” (Psalm 138:8). And as you rest in that truth, don’t forget to do something for His Kingdom — for “faith without works is dead, being alone” (James 2:17). Let your faith find new expression through acts of love, service, and purpose that reflect Christ within you.

You’ve walked faithfully for 35 years — may this next chapter be one of deeper peace, renewed purpose, and quiet joy in His presence.

Grace and Peace
With love in Christ

 

[Char65]

Thank you for this it is very deep and meaningful and also very true! Yes, I do miss the children a lot. Our lives have changed, perhaps my husband has found it easier to adapt than I have.

 

[Lynx]

If I was you, and if I wanted some alone time, I would make an appointment to drive to a scenic overlook and just sit in the car looking out at the view for a couple hours. Make it an official scheduled appointment and make sure your husband is aware that you will be out of service for those two hours. Or however long you need.

Or whatever else you want to do, alone,

 

[PAC-fit]

Sorry PAC-fit not sure what you mean by 'new work-type craft interest', do you mean like a craft hobby? Probably my main hobby is cooking which I absolutely love (I cooked a Turkey meatloaf this morning!). I regularly bake cakes for the church coffee morning and volunteer for that - I was not great at flower arranging though. All in all I'd say I'm pretty busy most of the time what with the house, my husband and grandchildren.

Yes, exact response I was after, thank you.

''Older women are to teach what is good, , to be self-controlled, pure, ,''

For a number of years now, the wife and I (myself, not yet a visitor) have enjoyed reruns of the British show 'Escape to the Country'. Possibly, somewhat of a favorite across the UK? Anymore it is hard to find an episode we haven't seen before, but we both share the same impression of life outside of the big-city for Brits as opposed to our own, in that finding an affable community isn't nearly that difficult as it is here in the US. We both have our problems I know. Is that affable mindset generally a fair characterization?

 

[Char65]

Ah PAC-fit, yes, I think I get you now, sorry a bit slow! We’ve watched Escape to the Country many times too and, yes, life outside the big cities can be really lovely. My husband was raised in the village where we live now (we were able to buy quite a large house there ourselves when we married) and where we raised our children. His parents lived there too which, as I said in my first post, was a great help to me when I first became a housewife and mother. It was wonderful for our children as they were always perfectly safe and at the back of our large garden we have woods so I was able to take them on nature walks.

My husband and I married in the local church and as he and parents were already well respected in the village and the church community I had no problem being ‘accepted’ - I know some people think villages can be a bit clique but that wasn't the case for me and I took to village and church life like a duck to water.

My husband used to drive to the station which was some way away and commute to London. Everyday I thank the Lord for the incredible blessing HE has provided.

 

[PAC-fit]

'', , yes, life outside the big cities can be really lovely.

''Lovely''. And another I hear used by the Blokes and Misusses on the show a lot is ''brilliant''. If I were required to guess what capacity of heart us 'yanks' generally hold to express such purity, I would say it is dangerously low. It may not be wise to compare the two countries spiritual stability but it does ask, what makes a community with a lasting 'lovely'' reputation except that it enjoys to live out contentedly that same ''purity''.

 

[Char65]

Yes its difficult to compare the two countries but unfortunately Britain is not the country is was, church attendances are down and I see it in our church with the congregations getting older. I do admire the fact America maintains its Christian values and traditions and they are part of politics which they aren't over here. Even in our village there has been building on the outskirts and its true of most places too... the village is still lovely though...