Midnight Confessions
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I have not been to church for several weeks now and am not happy with myself at all. Tourist changed jobs from baking to stocking at Wal-Mart.... The job he was transferring to was listed as Mon-Fri 4AM to 1PM and we were both excited to think we would be able to go to church every week.....They lied......the reality is Fri 4-1 Sat 6-3, Sun 6-3 and Mon 4-1.... Cut his hours by 8 and never a Saturday off so for weeks now I haven't been to church...
I hate it!!!
I woke up and said I wanted to go to church I'd take him to work.... He needs the car.... I'm at home....Somethings got to change.
I hate it!!!
I woke up and said I wanted to go to church I'd take him to work.... He needs the car.... I'm at home....Somethings got to change.
Been up a long time today and really tired.... then a surprise for anniversary was discovered and now I feel bad.... Delivery guy called me and tourist heard the call so kind of wrecked the surprise....and feel as though I have disappointed tourist.... because I spent money and didn't tell him.... but it was a surprise.... poor timing on the delivery phone call.....or I could have probably pulled it off....
Probably because I am tired I am over sensitive.... this too shall pass.... things are o.k. I just feel bad.... again....I'll get over it.
Probably because I am tired I am over sensitive.... this too shall pass.... things are o.k. I just feel bad.... again....I'll get over it.
Lust and addictions/perversions it keeps in toe such as pornogrophy, lies, anger, selfishness, malice (though fortunately never acted upon), depression, sloth/laziness and apathy, an internal war and storm of thoughts and emotions that I scarcely let anyone on to nor found anyone who could handle when I release a few of the floodgates (other than psychologists/psychiatrists), gaming and anime (both of which God has wrestled with me about for many years), some fear, some bloodlust at my darkest moments (*see malice), scars from the past and some bitterness, cynicism, resentment, and other side affects such things can bring, low self-esteem, a measure of carelessness and possibly mild insanity... And yet...
...and yet God is good, gracious, loving, kind, and possibly crazy enough to want and forgive and call a loser, sinner, and mess of a wretch like me to be in His Kingdom, and even among some leadership and ministry here on Earth. I've answered and will continue to follow that call, whatever it means and wherever it takes me. Know that I'm not a saint, and most of the leaders, while very possibly better than I, are certainly no less sinful and messed up. God works in, on, and through all of us. The weak to shame the strong...the foolish to humble the wise... The sinners to sober the 'righteous'.
I'm a whore of a bride/groom, but just like in Hosea, God has loved and chosen me anyway, and He'll do the same for you, too.
I could write books about all I've seen and heard God do so far in my life, and by no merit or 'deserving' on my part. That's Grace, and thank God for it!
I hope in time He'll turn my heart to Him and away from sin in all things, but all I can ever do is apologize, try again, and do my best to chose and chase after Him in everything, everyday, one battle and decision at a time.
...and yet God is good, gracious, loving, kind, and possibly crazy enough to want and forgive and call a loser, sinner, and mess of a wretch like me to be in His Kingdom, and even among some leadership and ministry here on Earth. I've answered and will continue to follow that call, whatever it means and wherever it takes me. Know that I'm not a saint, and most of the leaders, while very possibly better than I, are certainly no less sinful and messed up. God works in, on, and through all of us. The weak to shame the strong...the foolish to humble the wise... The sinners to sober the 'righteous'.
I'm a whore of a bride/groom, but just like in Hosea, God has loved and chosen me anyway, and He'll do the same for you, too.
I could write books about all I've seen and heard God do so far in my life, and by no merit or 'deserving' on my part. That's Grace, and thank God for it!
I hope in time He'll turn my heart to Him and away from sin in all things, but all I can ever do is apologize, try again, and do my best to chose and chase after Him in everything, everyday, one battle and decision at a time.
J
Jhong
Guest
Hello, you/we are all God's proof of His mercy, compassion, and love understanding that we are all just humans. To this I say "Let's keep on fighting the good fight of faith!" Go brethren! 
Called my friend Pat tonight that I hadn't talked to in a while and it was good to catch up with her....Glad I made the call.
I just spent a good portion of the night going through my facebook history lol. I didn't know how much I've changed.. I used to be a lot more "social" and friendly haha. I don't particularly care for nostalgia, but it was good seeing old posts/memories with old friends.
And yet in the slightly altered words of Jim from The Office: Oh, young Bruce. There's just so much I need to warn you about and yet tragically, I cannot.
And yet in the slightly altered words of Jim from The Office: Oh, young Bruce. There's just so much I need to warn you about and yet tragically, I cannot.
I had some chocolate truffle ball things I was supposed to make last for the week...
I only have 3 left and it's Tuesday morning
That's certainly cause for concern.
J
James4redemption
Guest
That's certainly cause for concern.
My bad, I probably should have read the thread before posting
S
setapartgirl
Guest
I confess...
I'm the long lost wife of superman..(kidding, just watching SUPERMAN RETURNS right now)
I'm the long lost wife of superman..(kidding, just watching SUPERMAN RETURNS right now)
I have trouble sleeping at night and I believe the reason for this is because I am not at peace in my soul. I am anxious for positive change in my life and for this I will pray. God has blessed me with a wonderful woman who is now my wife and what I really desire is to be the best possible husband that I can. With God beside me this will eventually happen.
R
Rush
Guest
11:43pm - Almost midnight.
Physical touch is one of my love languages, when it's the right person, holding someones hand, or snuggling on the couch is like... well, it's just gorgeous - but I hate being touched by 99.9% of people.
From almost anyone whom I'm intimately friendly (I don't mean sexual, but in a close relationship), I don't like any sort of sustained hugs, or having my shoulder squeezed encouragingly, pat on the back in a job well done, I don't like accidental brushes of their body as they pass, heck i don't even like someone hitting me on the back when I'm choking (yes - that's happened, and i consciously thought it, even as I was struggling to breath).
It feels like the worlds biggest joke. It's amazing how big a part of the human existence involves touch.
Apart from my fabulous nieces and nephews (they're fabulously exempt from my crap and get many hugs!), of all my friends and family, I'm only truly comfortable being touched by 2 of them - and I've got a big extended family with lots of Brazilians - if you don't know, waving hello isn't really a thing in a Brazilian culture
Apparently I used to be a really huggy kid, and I don't remember it being this bad as a teenager and young adult. But the older I get, the less I want anyone touching me. Feels like a part of me is dying.
Physical touch is one of my love languages, when it's the right person, holding someones hand, or snuggling on the couch is like... well, it's just gorgeous - but I hate being touched by 99.9% of people.
From almost anyone whom I'm intimately friendly (I don't mean sexual, but in a close relationship), I don't like any sort of sustained hugs, or having my shoulder squeezed encouragingly, pat on the back in a job well done, I don't like accidental brushes of their body as they pass, heck i don't even like someone hitting me on the back when I'm choking (yes - that's happened, and i consciously thought it, even as I was struggling to breath).
It feels like the worlds biggest joke. It's amazing how big a part of the human existence involves touch.
Apart from my fabulous nieces and nephews (they're fabulously exempt from my crap and get many hugs!), of all my friends and family, I'm only truly comfortable being touched by 2 of them - and I've got a big extended family with lots of Brazilians - if you don't know, waving hello isn't really a thing in a Brazilian culture
Apparently I used to be a really huggy kid, and I don't remember it being this bad as a teenager and young adult. But the older I get, the less I want anyone touching me. Feels like a part of me is dying.
11:43pm - Almost midnight.
Physical touch is one of my love languages, when it's the right person, holding someones hand, or snuggling on the couch is like... well, it's just gorgeous - but I hate being touched by 99.9% of people.
From almost anyone whom I'm intimately friendly (I don't mean sexual, but in a close relationship), I don't like any sort of sustained hugs, or having my shoulder squeezed encouragingly, pat on the back in a job well done, I don't like accidental brushes of their body as they pass, heck i don't even like someone hitting me on the back when I'm choking (yes - that's happened, and i consciously thought it, even as I was struggling to breath).
It feels like the worlds biggest joke. It's amazing how big a part of the human existence involves touch.
Apart from my fabulous nieces and nephews (they're fabulously exempt from my crap and get many hugs!), of all my friends and family, I'm only truly comfortable being touched by 2 of them - and I've got a big extended family with lots of Brazilians - if you don't know, waving hello isn't really a thing in a Brazilian culture
Apparently I used to be a really huggy kid, and I don't remember it being this bad as a teenager and young adult. But the older I get, the less I want anyone touching me. Feels like a part of me is dying.
Perhaps you just have a desire to be touched by the .1%.
It's nowhere close to midnight, but oh well
I think that I've realized that I'd rather be by myself than risk being with the wrong person. Is that weird lol. I've also realized that I don't know what I want anymore. *shrugs*
I think that I've realized that I'd rather be by myself than risk being with the wrong person. Is that weird lol.
I've also realized that I don't know what I want anymore. *shrugs*It's nowhere close to midnight, but oh well
I think that I've realized that I'd rather be by myself than risk being with the wrong person. Is that weird lol.
I felt the same way after my disastrous first marriage ended in divorce at the age of 29. It was a horrible 6 1/2 years. I was alone for the next 18 years rather than risk making another huge mistake. To avoid making these types of mistakes you will need God.
Thank you for sharing, Tourist. I'm Sorry for what you went through.
I agree, I definitely should seek God on this issue. I've never been this uncertain about things before, but I'm sure this will pass.
Let me let you in on a little secret....You already are a wonderful husband and God has truly blessed me with you.....I am very thankful for you everyday....Hugz.....Just rest in Jesus and God will take care of everything.....