S
I’m leaving it up to you, on how you would like to pray for me. I’m sorry that this description is so long. I just hope it’s clear enough for everyone to understand what I’m talking about. Almost everything I've written here could be expounded on in separate posts.
For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with certain sad emotions. Feelings of not being good enough, being left out, and not being accepted. During my school years I didn’t have a healthy group of friends, or even Christian friends. I was never apart of an in group, which in some ways might be a good thing, because these “in groups” almost always exist at the exclusion of others. With that being said, I guess everyone needs a place where they feel like they belong. (Writing that caused a contradiction error in my head.)
Instead of having friends, I had a whole lot of bullies. Due to my learning disability I was put in classes with the lower learning or in some cases the more lazy students. Often times these were the one’s who did drugs, cussed a lot, and got pregnant out of wedlock. I was a total misfit in that mess, and it went on until I graduated High School. I got into a bad habit of putting myself my down. You see I got put down so often that I believed that I was worthless. Even my Electronics teacher, pulled me to the side, and told me in all the years He had been teaching (At the time He was almost at retirement age) He’d never seen anyone with an inferiority complex like mine!
After graduating High School, my emotional mental health continued to come apart. I started having mini emotional breakdowns, anxiety attacks, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and it got to the point to where I had to get help, and go on medication for a few years. To this day, I still have emotional problems, and whenever I wind down and get tired, depression often comes over me, and I start to cry. With the loss of two prior jobs, I felt like a failure as I reluctantly had to take a job as a second shift janitor. I’ve been able to hold it down for 19 years, but constantly feel like a looser. Which gets worse, when I’m tired, and I get tired a lot.
On my very lonely job, I listen to a lot of Bible, Podcasts, Audiobooks, and Music. I recently learned, and I think this is right. It sounds right to me. There is two kinds of beliefs. One is logical belief, and the second is emotional belief. In other words, it’s possible to believe one way logically and another way emotionally. For an example, you can say to yourself, I’m loved because Jesus died for me, while on the other hand feel like nobody cares about you, including God. In other words, your emotions are going opposite to your logic. Last year while researching bullying and inferiority complexes, I came across some videos about PTSD. They said, there are other forms of trauma besides what happens to a soldier who goes to war, that can cause long lasting emotional effects. Since I’m not officially diagnosed with PTSD, I’m not going to say I have it. But, something else they said, I found very interesting because it goes along with what I recently heard about the two forms of belief, is that you can logically reason with a person with PTSD, and they will agree with you on a logical level, and yet it doesn’t help them, because PTSD is not logical it’s a feeling. I forget the exact way to fix PTSD, but I think it was lots of love and patience, that can take years before the emotions start to change.
For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with certain sad emotions. Feelings of not being good enough, being left out, and not being accepted. During my school years I didn’t have a healthy group of friends, or even Christian friends. I was never apart of an in group, which in some ways might be a good thing, because these “in groups” almost always exist at the exclusion of others. With that being said, I guess everyone needs a place where they feel like they belong. (Writing that caused a contradiction error in my head.)
Instead of having friends, I had a whole lot of bullies. Due to my learning disability I was put in classes with the lower learning or in some cases the more lazy students. Often times these were the one’s who did drugs, cussed a lot, and got pregnant out of wedlock. I was a total misfit in that mess, and it went on until I graduated High School. I got into a bad habit of putting myself my down. You see I got put down so often that I believed that I was worthless. Even my Electronics teacher, pulled me to the side, and told me in all the years He had been teaching (At the time He was almost at retirement age) He’d never seen anyone with an inferiority complex like mine!
After graduating High School, my emotional mental health continued to come apart. I started having mini emotional breakdowns, anxiety attacks, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and it got to the point to where I had to get help, and go on medication for a few years. To this day, I still have emotional problems, and whenever I wind down and get tired, depression often comes over me, and I start to cry. With the loss of two prior jobs, I felt like a failure as I reluctantly had to take a job as a second shift janitor. I’ve been able to hold it down for 19 years, but constantly feel like a looser. Which gets worse, when I’m tired, and I get tired a lot.
On my very lonely job, I listen to a lot of Bible, Podcasts, Audiobooks, and Music. I recently learned, and I think this is right. It sounds right to me. There is two kinds of beliefs. One is logical belief, and the second is emotional belief. In other words, it’s possible to believe one way logically and another way emotionally. For an example, you can say to yourself, I’m loved because Jesus died for me, while on the other hand feel like nobody cares about you, including God. In other words, your emotions are going opposite to your logic. Last year while researching bullying and inferiority complexes, I came across some videos about PTSD. They said, there are other forms of trauma besides what happens to a soldier who goes to war, that can cause long lasting emotional effects. Since I’m not officially diagnosed with PTSD, I’m not going to say I have it. But, something else they said, I found very interesting because it goes along with what I recently heard about the two forms of belief, is that you can logically reason with a person with PTSD, and they will agree with you on a logical level, and yet it doesn’t help them, because PTSD is not logical it’s a feeling. I forget the exact way to fix PTSD, but I think it was lots of love and patience, that can take years before the emotions start to change.
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