Marriage Advice Please

[Absolutely]

My signature line... well something very close to that I think.

You didn't by any chance know Greg Jampol did you?

 

[JohnDB]

You didn't by any chance know Greg Jampol did you?

I don't know who that is...

 

[Gideon300]

Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.

I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.

My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.

About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.

About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?

He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."

It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.

My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.

We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).

Am I crazy? Is there any one that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him into getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......

Porn addiction is the result of taking in a demon of lust. That can be dealt with easily. It is more troubling that he seems not to care. He needs to read the sermon on the mount again. He is committing adultery according to God's definition. It's worse that the church wants to cover it up. I would not be surprised if your husband is not the only one with the problem.

It will end badly. God will not permit a cover up, as many well known pastors and leaders have discovered. It would be better to come clean and deal with it within the church family than be another headline in some anti Christian you tube rant.

Your husband won't be able to correct himself. He has to hate the addiction, get delivered from the demon and let Lord Jesus clean him up in that (and every other) area. I did not need porn. It was pre internet and much harder to get. I had a movie running through my head continually. I was utterly sick of it. I was delivered from the demon and the movies stopped. It was a great relief. Feel free to show him this word for word. His pastor too. You have not just the right but the obligation to seek help for him. If he does not want to change, that's another issue. You can ask God to cause him to see how destructive it is an to cause him to hate it.

Lord Jesus came to set the captives free, not give us a license to sin. I'm far from a legalist, I'm way to flawed myself for that. But I do know that freedom is available if we are willing to receive.

 

[Gideon300]

None of us are perfect. And he is not doing anything that is a public embarrassment to be brought to the church because he will not stop. What if he smoked would you say he is not qualified to be a pastor because he smokes? What about you and your wrongs? Are you not qualified to be a Christian because of your wrongs?

What this man is doing is disqualifying himself from God's kingdom. He lacks the qualifications to be an elder. He is in his heart an adulterer. It's one thing to have problems that God is dealing with. It's entirely another to refuse to face up to those issues and not get the freedom that is readily available in Christ.
1 Timothy 3:1 & 2
This is a trustworthy saying: If anyone aspires to be an overseer, he desires a noble task. An overseer, then, must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,…

 

[justahumanbeing]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening in your life. Jesus does expect us as Christians to take up our cross and follow Him everyday. When you married your husband, you would have said,"In good and bad, In sickness and in health." I think those are the marriage vows. Vows made before God.

A husband can divorce his wife based on the grounds of being unfaithful to him. I think that this goes both ways. A wife can divorce a husband for being unfaithful to her.

Ask yourself if you can see yourself with this man for another 10 years. You'll get your answer.

You can demand loyalty from your husband. It is your right as a wife, no matter who the head pastor of your Church is. Not just physically. But also through his thoughts, words and actions. It's true. Every time he goes through porn, he is breaking his marriage vows. The things you describe of your husband makes me think that he is not a healthy man in the head. He is mentally ill.

If you really love him, then dig deep into his problem. Continue to keep up the conversation of what made him this way and ask him if he wants you and the children. Ask him if he wants to change. Give him as much time as you can. Help him overcome his addictions. But at the end of it all, it is your life at stake.

He's a married man. He should go to his wife for comfort. Going through someone else's phone is completely perverted. And going through the phone of others for stuff like that is highly questionable of his loyalty and faithfulness to his wife and his respect for other peoples boundaries. He is violating someone else's trust as well.

You have to find out why he is going through porn when he has a wife. You know, him being a guy is not the problem here. This can happen to a woman as well. It can happen to anyone. Your husband being dependent on porn for his pleasure instead of you is something to do with him being mentally ill and addicted to what is unnatural.

At least when he is with you, he has to be himself. And He should desire you for you and should look at you as you are. You have a right to demand this. There's nothing wrong with you as a wife. All the steps you have taken are right towards correcting your husband. Your pastor's attitude towards you when you take your problems to him shows patriarchy on the pastor's part.

A man cannot do anything he wishes to do once he is married and not be accountable for his actions. There are consequences. If your husband is a youth pastor isn't he supposed to set a good example in leading the youth?

Did he actually think that he can watch porn all his life? If that's what he wants, then it would be hard for him not to do that.

But everyone is different.

When you marry a person, you marry him with all the flaws along with the good things. Every person will have something that is not right. That is the burden of marriage. If you both have enough love between yourselves you can overcome anything the world throws in front of you. Because God is there for you and there is nothing impossible for God.

You know, to separate from your husband or to stay with him is entirely up to you. It is your decision. No one can tell you otherwise. What God wants is love and forgiveness. But you have to ask yourself the serious questions. Are you going to be happy helping this man till the end of your life? If you feel you deserve someone better, then go get that someone better. But until now, your husband has not cheated on you physically with someone else. Meaning, a part of him might still want to do the right thing. There is hope and all is not lost.

All men will have these kind of issues. Most men do. At least before marriage. But being in a relationship and in a marriage and for all this to happen is not good. In The Bible, Jesus says, "when a man sees a woman with lust in his eyes, he is guilty of committing adultery." You confronting your husband about his actions is right. You putting demands in front of him is right. He must do as you say if he wants to be married to you.

Even if it costs some money, try getting counseling from outside the church. I hope God provides you with the right kind of counselor. Otherwise you will have to keep changing the counselor until you find the right one.

I wrote to you in this thread because I care and I want to see you and your husband united in your marriage and I wish for it to work. Because Jesus also said, "Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

I wish you and your husband well and may God bless your family.

 

[SigP226]

Only God knows his heart. However, he does not at all seem remorseful. In my opinion he has managed to manipulate those around him, including you. Your requests may have well told him you were ok with it. Also, in my opinion, he, along with the pastoral staff members that are excusing his behavior need to be fired from that church.

Take your sons, and leave him. Leave that church. Is it easier said than done? Absolutely. However, it IS waht you need to do.

 

[Kayeboo3]

Sexually lusting after another woman and committing adultery pertains to an actual woman that a man can pursue. Most men are addicted to sex. And you two ought to had discussed what each other sexual needs and acceptance were prior to marriage.

Most men do not tell their sexual needs because they feel the woman will be turned off and that she will give them a No to the sex. Him looking at people’s phone leads proceeds him wanting to have sex with actual women he can pursue; so he must stop (tell him how doing that warrants him to commit adultery leading to divorce). I feel your concern.

I think you two should discuss sex, what all is wanted and accepted; no embarrassment. Tell him to feel comfortable telling it all.

You are not wrong for feeling he was so wrong and that the issue is important to you. Your issues need to be respected, cared about and addressed.

But what you may not be seeing is that:

• What ever man you get with he probably will be addicted to sex; that is how it is; so you thinking about divorce may lead to another and another divorce.
• Thoroughly discuss the sex that is wanted and acceptable before marriage;
• Maybe he is not addicted to porn but have sexual needs; what is wrong with having sexual needs (is that against the Bible?);

I understand your gist of what you are saying, but we have talked about our sexual needs. We did not before because we both were virgins prior to marriage. I don't feel like you can be open about the sexual needs prior to having sex.
To be honest, I am the one that needs sex more. Maybe because he relied on porn for so long he is used to it. We are not a couple that has scheduled days or anything. I do not feel like he is lacking in needs.
I feel like there is an undertone of "it's your fault" in your response. There is nothing wrong with having sexual needs, but when he is stepping out of his role as a Christian husband there is a problem. He is to protect me, cover me, love me and he has not done that with his actions. I get that there is a thrill for him when he does what he does, but that does not excuse his role as husband, father, and pastor.

 

[Kayeboo3]

So, I have been reading every comment (except all the I moved to Tennessee conversation). I want to say thank you to those that responded and said they would be praying for me or offered sincere advice.
This has been 7 years of hearing how I am somehow making a bigger deal out of it. I honestly cried as the responses started coming in about how awful this situation is for me. I decided that I needed to get away so I took my sons to the beach for the weekend.

I've pondered and prayed about what I should do and have decided to start at talking to my pastor's boss about what is going on and how I've been talked to by the pastor. I am hoping that in doing this he can make things right by repremanding our pastor and removing my husband as youth pastor. I have also reached out to my husband's old coworker to inform her about the violation of my husband to her. I have informed our best friends (they are his friends and became mine after we married), and they were both supportive to me and have agreed to hold me accountable in doing all this. We have paid rent where we are living until April and I will be asking my husband to take a leave while we both figure out if our marriage is worth saving.

In this time I have reached out to a female Christian counselor (not affiliated with the marriage counselor we saw together) to work through my emotional state.

I do not want to split our family, I come from a divorced household and even though my biological father left I still hated it. But I am going to start lining myself up to be ready to leave if things do not improve. I know, again, I cannot expect him to change overnight but I can demand to see some of these changes. I agree 100% the first step should be removing himself as the youth pastor. Here goes everything....

 

[Kayeboo3]

Chances are your pastor does nothing because he, too, is addicted. Porn addiction is rampant among Christians and this includes all levels of leadership.

Porn addiction isn't something that one just stops suddenly. Studies show porn addiction most closely resembles heroin addiction, one of the strongest addictions, as revealed by brain scans. So if you expect him to just suddenly quit, not going to happen.

And no addiction of any kind can be overcome if the addict doesn't want to quit.

Porn often teaches that what a woman says is irrelevant and perhaps even not true. So your complaints may be falling on deaf ears as he's being taught that "she Says no, but really means yes".

But that he's taken it as far as invading others privacy is rather concerning. And could even be seen as illegal and potentially get him arrested if caught.
And that he's openly trying to get private time with someone you know is an object of his lust is also worrying. Not only is it a complete disregard for you, as he must be aware you know, but it presents as a potential threat to her.
He's already shown a lack of regret or remorse or any acknowledgement that he's done anything wrong, he's bulldozed your boundaries and invaded others privacy, all things that are taught are acceptable and normal in porn. Another thing common in porn is violence against women. That if a woman says no, deep down she really means yes, you just have to force yourself on her long enough to get her to admit it.
So this other woman is now in potential danger as if he makes advances and is rejected that may not stop him.

The difficulty is churches will often want to ignore or sweep things under the rug to protect the church and/or pastor's appearance, as we see the pastor already doing.

Really your husband's behavior seems rather deviant. And he seems to make a point to ignore your wishes and boundaries and purposefully instigate you. That goes beyond simply looking at women into something more concerning. And that he is so nonchalant about it around your children is concerning as well, not to mention potential legal problems that can arise from that.
If I were you I'd consider taking some more serious steps to distance from him. Perhaps even moving out and separating. Ignore that dirtbag pastor if he complains or tries to convince you otherwise.
Your husband has basically gotten away with it and it's time to let him face some serious consequences before things get worse or any legal problems come about that could also land on you.

I am definitely not looking for him to quit overnight. I understand just like with any addiction it takes work. But I feel like there is zero work being put in after 7 years of marriage.
I have never connected how porn teaches women are objects, so that is very helpful that you brought that up. You have given me some good nuggets to think about and I appreciate it. I am taking steps to start distancing from him.

 

[Kayeboo3]

The OP has not yet responded to a single post. Looks like it's a one and done.

I'm sorry, I didnt realize I had to race to each comment and respond. I've read everyone's responses and decided to go away for the weekend with my children to reflect. I'll try to be more attentive, but I am a mother to 2 young children and am working a job so if I don't get back here fast enough then I'm sorry.

 

[Kayeboo3]

I saw that. When I first read the OP I was thinking this sounds like a very tall tale. Maybe the OP just did it for laughs.

Do people really make this stuff up for laughs? Maybe I'm from a different part of the world cause this is definitely not something to laugh about. But to each his own I guess. Sorry that I broke and needed someone to tell me I'm not crazy for once...? Sorry that it hurts to read what you know is true about how horrible your husband, the father of your children, is....? I didn't come here for gossip. I came here for advice. I received a ton of great advice I'm wanting to make happen. But I needed time to be with my boys before hell breaks loose for us.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I am definitely not looking for him to quit overnight. I understand just like with any addiction it takes work. But I feel like there is zero work being put in after 7 years of marriage.
I have never connected how porn teaches women are objects, so that is very helpful that you brought that up. You have given me some good nuggets to think about and I appreciate it. I am taking steps to start distancing from him.

Do a search for a site called Fight the New Drug. They have all kinds of info, interviews with people formerly in porn and such. Lots of info there that may help piece things together a bit more.

 

[tourist]

I'm sorry, I didnt realize I had to race to each comment and respond. I've read everyone's responses and decided to go away for the weekend with my children to reflect. I'll try to be more attentive, but I am a mother to 2 young children and am working a job so if I don't get back here fast enough then I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for my remark. You have nothing to be sorry about. I understand that people have a life outside of this site. Respond to anything that you please when you feel like it. May God be with you.

 

[JohnDB]

Do people really make this stuff up for laughs? Maybe I'm from a different part of the world cause this is definitely not something to laugh about. But to each his own I guess. Sorry that I broke and needed someone to tell me I'm not crazy for once...? Sorry that it hurts to read what you know is true about how horrible your husband, the father of your children, is....? I didn't come here for gossip. I came here for advice. I received a ton of great advice I'm wanting to make happen. But I needed time to be with my boys before hell breaks loose for us.

I do apologize...
This is your thread looking for real answers and we got to talking to each other because we weren't sure about your sincerity...

Because yes, it happens a lot. Unfortunately people who have nothing better to do than create all sorts of stories just to stir the pot.

But you did come back.

And if you have done all the things you have mentioned and follow through then you are on the right path.

This isn't exactly easy stuff.
And the pain is something so bad I wouldn't wish it on an enemy...
But there's this thing mentioned in scriptures many times. Extremely clearly in a few places...

It's not enough to simply know the scriptures...but we need to do what they say. And it's a real "heart condition" when they can't. Having a lack of true compassion or losing it due to the burden of ministry is not uncommon. It happens. (More often than not)

But because of the proverbial fecal material coming into abrupt contact with the circular air handling device and resulting in a storm over his activities...I'm sure that he will come up with every reason, excuse, and story to try and go back to the way things once were.

Expect some opposition when you return to town.
Stay the course! Don't deviate! Stand your ground. You are completely justified...
And you have to remember...he has been manipulating you for a LONG time. So some of your perceptions of him and yourself are not correct. They are something that he has created.

Nobody ever feels brainwashed.

Nobody recognizes the monster in the mirror. (Even if he has been behaving like one)

 

[HisKid]

Do people really make this stuff up for laughs? Maybe I'm from a different part of the world cause this is definitely not something to laugh about. But to each his own I guess. Sorry that I broke and needed someone to tell me I'm not crazy for once...? Sorry that it hurts to read what you know is true about how horrible your husband, the father of your children, is....? I didn't come here for gossip. I came here for advice. I received a ton of great advice I'm wanting to make happen. But I needed time to be with my boys before hell breaks loose for us.

I imagine people make stuff up all the time for various assorted reasons, especially on an internet forum when communicating with total strangers. Your story does seem rather unbelievable. Your husband's behavior is close to criminal and I would not subject myself or my children to it. I understand you don't want to break up your family but many women stay in abusive and unhealthy relationships for that very reason and it rarely ends well. Good luck to you.

 

[JohnDB]

There is nothing wrong with having sexual needs, but when he is stepping out of his role as a Christian husband there is a problem. He is to protect me, cover me, love me and he has not done that with his actions. I get that there is a thrill for him when he does what he does, but that does not excuse his role as husband, father, and pastor.

Oh preach it sister!
Absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.
It's actually perfectly acceptable for the wife to be the aggressor inside the marriage for physical intimacy...not unheard of. (At least in my home...and I am not going to complain even a little bit about that)

nor should you be made to feel guilty about it either. His priority in a marriage is to take care of you (as well as the household)...not himself. Just like your role is to take care of him and the household...and when this happens everyone gets their needs met. It's scary for many...and everyone has to constantly think about what the other person needs. Not everyone is cut out for that.
not that this results in mothering or smothering... because that would be wrong too. (although some guys like that...I don't happen to be one of them)

Either way...expect a storm when you return to town... you, yourself are going to get accused of all kinds of horrible things just because your husband is an ass...and because you are related to a ministry worker. (Church members are horrible usually as a matter of normality)

but I'm sure that you already know that...stand strong and get out of the small town...life just isn't going to work out there any longer.

 

[SarahLyn]

I went through something similar with my husband early in our marriage, not quite as bad though. He’d stop, do it again, etc. I would be in tears, couldn’t compare to those women. At around 5 years of marriage, he returned from a deployment to a more liberal middle eastern country. I found porn on his phone, but by that time, I was used to it and brushed it off. I became pregnant soon after his return, and at 38 weeks pregnant, I had a sudden compulsion to scan for deleted files on the sd card of the camera that he had used overseas. I saw more than I wanted to see and was crushed and devastated. After having our daughter, I’m ashamed to say that I acted out, talked to men online and watched porn myself and when we were together I would bash him over the head with what he did for at least two years. I developed some serious alcoholic tendencies as well. It was the grace of God and praying family that took us through. A cousin posted on Facebook about an app that she listened to while getting up and ready for work. It was a Bible app that takes you through the Bible in a year. I started listening. You can’t take in the Word without it changing you. I found a church locally that I started attending with our small daughter. He would get angry about me breaking the family apart by attending church when we should be spending time together. I began to pray that God would make him the leader of our family that He created him to be without daring to hope that it could happen, but it did. God is so good. I hope and pray that your story will end up well, but don’t get discouraged, He can lift your family out of a desperate situation.

 

[TLCSFA]

The fact that he admits to what he has done & is doing is pretty upsetting. A lot of bad things for other people start out just like this. I don't know you, don't know how your financial situation is. But this is disturbing, especially to be over the youth? If he were my husband, I'd have to report him. I could not sit in church pretending to be something that I'm not. My heart goes out to you hon, but this man needs help. It would break my heart & yours as well if he were actually thinking about harming some of the youth. Think about it, pray about it, then talk to a lawyer. This isn't a marriage it seems. But this isn't right.

 

[listenyoumustAll]

Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.

I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.

My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.

About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.

About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?

He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."

It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.

My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.

We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).

Am I crazy? Is there any one that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him into getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......

First get internet with a cap on it . move to a smaller apartment if you want to be aggressive about it . the lesser lonely spaces the lesser the chance he will find a place to masturbate. Masturbation is a principality very fierce so please be patient some more for the love you once shared . God bless

 

[CS1]

Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.

I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.

My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.

About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.

About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?

He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."

It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.

My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.

We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).

Am I crazy? Is there any one that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him into getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......

I am glad I read your post. First off porn Destroys marriages and the person. I have helped men by using two wonderful ministries that are anointed for men to battle this addiction. Pure Life https://www.purelifeministries.org/ and Pure Desires ministers by Rodney Wright.

Your husband needs to take himself out of ministries and allow Elders and the lord to set him free from this. it will not stop. it will drag him deeper into depravity. it is a big problem in the church. But there is hope. You need to pray and I would encourage you to contact these miniseries for yourself they are wonderful for women who are dealing with husbands in this addiction.

Heavenly Father,

I have come to you in the name of Jesus. Asking Lord, to set this brother free from this addiction Lord, and bind the devil who is trying to ruin this marriage. Lord, you said what you have joined together let nothing come between it. The marriage bed is undefiled, only with perversion and the lust of the flesh that pulls at men every day, YOU are our only help. Dear Lord, be with my sister Holy Spirit empower her and give her victory over this attack on her marriage. They both are just like me I to Lord came from broken home and did not have good examples growing up, BUT you still saved me and this Brother and sister. Oh Lord Please rebuke this devil and convict our dear brother in Jesus' name. He has no peace and he is being pulled into more darkness.


Lord Jesus I know you will shine light into this situation, darkness can not stand in the name of Jesus. Break the chain on this dear brother I pray in your name amen.