Lost in relationship

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been there sorry not a good girl rid of her quick so u can get the good born again one wasting time when he gives good one silk smooth forever and u happy no disapointments
 
In all u do put God first u will know that this relationship will not end well because if u continued there will b outside relationship from both of u and it will end your marriage
 
It can feel as if relationships are setup to fail, that you're always about to walk into a trap, and it goes to show how our human passability is a weakness (God doesn't have the same dilemma). I'm not saying to become a robot, thus being immune to suffering, but you can bring another to shame, managing to keep some of the pleasure to yourself, all while sticking to good beliefs/foundations.
 
Gumbo21 said:
Hi everyone I usually try to figure things out myself and I have prayed a lot, but I just need some help from the community that I know will give the best advice, from the Bible.

I have been with this girl for two+ years. She’s the first long term relationship I’ve been in and we are both in college. She asked me out and I was thrilled and we have made the best memories in my life these two years. The beginning was great as it always is, and we started unofficially living together after a year. Up until a few weeks ago we really hadn’t had a big fight at all. Maybe one or two.

A few weeks ago she broke up with me saying she needs to “find out who she is” but wants to try again when I come back (I’m away for 4 months). I said nope I’m not going to be your backup plan in case you can’t find anyone better. She never explained why she wanted to break up, and even though it only lasted a day, it still has destroyed our foundation. To me she was gone forever and I was coping with that when she came back. If I mention the breakup she will get mad and say can we get over this already like it didn’t just wreck me.

I called my mom and it was the first time I ever asked someone for relationship advice and I cried a lot. She said to make a list of the good and bad and try to see if she is worth it from a third person point of view.

I feel like I’m blinded by my sins. I sinned with my girlfriend (sexually) and it was not her first time. The pain of not sharing that together has always tugged at my heart, but now I’ve learned my lesson, that I’m no less of an adulterer myself than her ex is to me. This summer I have read the Bible and prayed a lot and it’s opening my eyes to these things and bringing great sorrow (also reassurance but mainly sorrow because of my sins).

So now we are back together. But I have been thinking about what my mom told me. I thought back to all the things that have been done to me that love had blinded me to. I think in a healthy relationship it’s good for love to cover the small imperfections of someone, my goal is to find out what a healthy relationship is because this is my first. I was already shopping for engagement rings when she ended our relationship for what (had I not spend t hours and hours on the phone explaining why the stress of classes, money, long distance, her friends who don’t even know me telling her to end it and party with them, and some other things) would have been forever.

I’m not perfect, but she has never ever questioned her trust in me because in two years I’ve never done anything to suggest she should (regarding other females). But like I said I’m not perfect and lack in other areas like motivating myself to get her flowers etc. and not be lazy sometimes.

So I started thinking about what my mom said and many things came to mind. It’s not my right to call out another’s sins and that’s not what I’m trying to do I just have no basis for what’s normal.

Early on she told me about a guy sending her nudes. I said why haven’t you blocked him?

She told me she going to video chat a guy to ask for math help (I believe this was her intention) and I said why not ask me, I took it last year? This was a big fight.

She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.

I told her I can see straight through her apartment window into her shower, and she refused to fix it for two weeks.

One day a really hot guy came next to us with his pet, and she pet it and gave him the look she gave me the first time she saw me. I asked to see her phone right after and she hid it, she was looking up “how to know if you’re with the right guy”. I cried for days, and that image of her eyes burned into my mind.

I’m constantly apologizing to her for things I know I didn’t do wrong for the sake of not fighting. I’m patient and she can be very stubborn and hot headed. If she doesn’t hear something she likes, she will say goodnight and hang up. If I give her advice, she says stop demeaning me you’re not my dad. She gets so mad when I’m right about something and one of my biggest flaws and I know it’s so unhealthy is to always point out when I’m right. I did it so she’d trust my advice, but she saw it as demeaning and I understand why and have stopped.

When I went through addiction, I was lazy and not motivated, but I never stopped loving her and supporting her even when I was suicidal which she doesn’t know about. Now that she is stressed from college she so easily gave me up.

When I talk on video chat (long distance) she will be on Instagram the whole time, and when I ask her something she’ll always ask me to repeat it. As I just stare at the screen wanting some emotional connection.

I woke up one day to her watching porn by my side. She hid it too late, and we didn’t say a word for hours. Once again I cried. I deserved this one. Here I am complaining about how my girlfriend won’t have sex with me for 3 months (no interest in me because of the porn I assume) and do I have a right to be mad when she’s committing the same adultery online? No. I’m drowning in my own sins. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.

That’s what’s so hard is that even though I know I’m just as bad if not WORSE of a sinner, I don’t know if this is a normal relationship. When we have good times they are amazing, but she (also her longest relationship) feels like the honeymoon phase should last forever.

When I disapproved of her friend (who told her to break up with me) cheating on her boyfriend, I was told that I’m mean and wrong and judging and rude.

I asked her to not have her butt sticking out at the beach, and she chose a bikini with her butt sticking out. I said I won’t choose for you just keep me in mind when you choose one. I said how am I supposed to enjoy the beach when I’m the only guy there not lusting after you. Sure enough a week from today we will be at the beach and I have seen the picture of her bikini and could see the stock photo model’s entire butt. She believes that wearing skimpy clothes is “women’s empowerment”. When I said “is it not more empowering to pass up the drooling of other men and wear what’s comfortable and modest?” Nope.

There are more things that I won’t get to and LET ME BE CLEAR: I could write a list even longer about myself, I’m just trying to figure out if her behavior is normal or unhealthy.

I’ve gone to church with her and her family and she’s struggling with her faith but appears to be trying. The thing that stabs my gut more than anything above is when she gets annoyed when I talk about how Jesus has affected my life. Sometimes she acts happy but many times she acts annoyed like “can we talk about something else”.

I’m sorry that this has been such a persecuting and horrible thread and I feel bad for posting it, and I love her so so so much. But I’m so lost right now and know that I need to follow Jesus not my flesh. I hope that I’m not just being a hypocrite, because I have done many bad things too I just need clarity on whether this is all normal or not. A lot of them are probably just my jealously and insecurity and needing to fix myself (the long distance has made this worse).

Thank you.
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Better pray for it and ask guidance from the Holy Spirit. Our emotions are deceitful. Rather end it now than suffer later on. I once loved a guy so much and almost gave everything to him but glad I didn’t. One thing I learned from my recent break up is that a healthy relationship is God centered and the other person helps you grow together with the Lord. I know it’s hard to move on cause I am stuck as well in there but in God’s perfect time He will give us our own partners in life. I like this community a lot it helped me see other things on a different perspective.
 
Gumbo21 said:
I’ll agree with that partially. I already apologized for even bringing up the bikini because I realized that was an unnecessary argument stemmed from my jealousy. Had it been a year ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it and in fact we have gone to pools before and I didn’t even think about it, but the bikini thing was after all of these other issues so yes I was very vulnerable.

And yes there are some trust issues, but how could there not be? Trust issues when nothing’s been done is a toxic behavior, but trust issues when multiple times your trust has been broken is a different story. I do very clearly remember a time when I had 100% trust and didn’t question things until they were either brought up or I accidentally found out about them like examples above. What’s a normal amount of trust to have in a relationship?

In no way have I tried to control her that I can think of and she never mentioned feeling controlled before. Saying that I didn’t like seeing 90% of her butt in the bikini may be a hint of controlling, but I supported it and said it was very cute when she bought it. The issue that she broke up with me for initially had nothing to do with me controlling her at all, she just felt like she was missing out on partying and exciting college stuff and hobbies etc. but whenever she wanted to go out I’d encourage her, in fact usually I’d want to play video games or hang with my friends when she went out so I’d never held her back from doing anything. I’d always be impressed and amazed with the crafts and stuff she would make. She said a couple days ago she just felt like she had to change who she was to make me happy, but also said that I never did anything to make her feel like she has to change. Sounds like a normal relationship to me, I’ve change a lot of things to make her happy (stopped drinking, smoking, hanging out with bad influences, etc.) and never blamed her for bringing the best out of me. Lots of things in her life are changing quickly (college, friends, long term relationship, family, stress level) and it’s just easiest to blame it on the relationship which ultimately makes me miserable. I’ve listened to a Christian talk show on my drive down to the beach (alone) and realized that I need to focus on improving myself rather than harping on her past mistakes, I just don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Even now we are on a “break” as stated above. I broke up with her and shortly after said I’m sorry for focusing on your mistakes and that I just want to give her time to figure out what she wants in life. She didn’t want it to be a break, more a temporary breakup until she makes up her mind. This is the stuff where I feel I’m being taken advantage of. The difference in not talking for a few weeks vs not talking and being single for a few weeks is important. Maybe I should move on or just focus on improving myself and being single. I was fine before and wasn’t even looking to date in the first place, it’s just harder getting out than it was getting in.

Am I crazy or do some of these things make sense? Lol
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Not gonna lie you seemed like some dude that is super jealous at first but reading on it sounds like she just isn't interested anymore....sorry. I get the jealous stuff I've always sucked at not being jelly bro but you are also looking out for her as a Christian, which is what you should do. Maybe you disagree about stuff who cares but if she's against the bible she needs to become more mature or get saved because not gonna lie its not looking too great. Honestly you probably need some time too to mature and focus on Christ because i don't think you're ready quite yet....i would recommend breaking up and trying to focus on yourself, also i would try to get some higher standards. Yea girls are great or whatever but this isn't just some party it's a partnership and you want someone who is going to help you to serve Christ as well as someone you love and can spend time with. It seems like you're carried by your emotions but that's not how we should be, we have to make sure we are doing things in a biblical manner including finding a spouse that meets certain criteria, it makes things morr difficult and harder but it's worth it. I'm not saying any of this to put you down I've been in a similar situation i get it man but it's not gonna work not right now at least. I have struggles just like you and maybe that means we don't need to be looking for a relationship just yet fam. I say this in love sorry i don't mean to be negative but this is just doesn't look like it'll work out....God bless
 
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Thanks to everyone for the advice. It’s been like a month and a half since we broke up and I feel much better. There’s still pain remembering the good memories, but knowing that the burden of the bad is gone is very relieving. I’ve been praying every day (something I didn’t used to do so often) and have been reading the Bible a lot more. I’m trusting in God that he has the future figured out and that I’ll be ok as long as I seek him over anything else. It’ll be a while until I’m ready to date again, but having a clear image of what I need in the future is a good start. Someone who loves Jesus more than they love me.
 
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Hi Gumbo21,

How has things developed in your spiritual life? I would love to hear your feedback and on how your relationship with the Lord has grown?

Many times, we get stuck in the moment of weakness and sadly, none of us can see past what we are going through in that moment and seems so difficult to let go of the sin which so easily entangle us.
 
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3angelsmsg said:
Hi Gumbo21,

How has things developed in your spiritual life? I would love to hear your feedback and on how your relationship with the Lord has grown?

Many times, we get stuck in the moment of weakness and sadly, none of us can see past what we are going through in that moment and seems so difficult to let go of the sin which so easily entangle us.
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Sorry for the late response, I haven't been on here in a while! Of course the past year or so has had its ups and downs (as life usually does), but I have been able to focus my mind on God more than ever before in my life. My addictions are fading away, I'm spending my time in healthier environments, and I find my greatest joy these days in studying and spreading the word. God has put a new energy in me that my friends have noticed, and I have atheist friends asking questions about God and going to bible study. I try to pray any time I think of praying during the day, and that has helped me greatly in keeping the Lord's purpose for me on my mind during the day. That being said, I still have days where I don't want to get out of bed haha. We are all riding the same struggle bus lol, just wanted to include that for anyone reading that thinks I don't still have daily struggles.

As far as dating goes, I've been talking to a girl (long distance) that I met on a Christian dating app a little bit ago. It's very freeing being able to talk about God freely with a girl and have her understand and be able to give you new insights as well in how God's worked in her life. I just met with her for the second time this weekend and hopefully will continue to. However, I'm moving to the other side of the country in a couple months (she's known this since we met), and we are both aware of the difficulty that entails so we are going to tread carefully and make sure that our intentions are clear and we are on the same page. That being said, long distance has some advantages too.

To anyone that's going through a breakup right now....THERE IS HOPE! You are going to feel sick for weeks or months. I still see my ex walking by on campus because we go to the same school, and still think about her every other day or so. The difference is that now I am perfectly content with the past (THROUGH THE GRACE OF GOD) and have mostly happy thoughts looking back. To people struggling with bad thoughts on a breakup, they will turn into happy thoughts if you ask God to take over for you in your healing process. Give it time, give it to God. AMEN
 
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Gumbo21 said:
Hi everyone I usually try to figure things out myself and I have prayed a lot, but I just need some help from the community that I know will give the best advice, from the Bible.

I have been with this girl for two+ years. She’s the first long term relationship I’ve been in and we are both in college. She asked me out and I was thrilled and we have made the best memories in my life these two years. The beginning was great as it always is, and we started unofficially living together after a year. Up until a few weeks ago we really hadn’t had a big fight at all. Maybe one or two.

A few weeks ago she broke up with me saying she needs to “find out who she is” but wants to try again when I come back (I’m away for 4 months). I said nope I’m not going to be your backup plan in case you can’t find anyone better. She never explained why she wanted to break up, and even though it only lasted a day, it still has destroyed our foundation. To me she was gone forever and I was coping with that when she came back. If I mention the breakup she will get mad and say can we get over this already like it didn’t just wreck me.

I called my mom and it was the first time I ever asked someone for relationship advice and I cried a lot. She said to make a list of the good and bad and try to see if she is worth it from a third person point of view.

I feel like I’m blinded by my sins. I sinned with my girlfriend (sexually) and it was not her first time. The pain of not sharing that together has always tugged at my heart, but now I’ve learned my lesson, that I’m no less of an adulterer myself than her ex is to me. This summer I have read the Bible and prayed a lot and it’s opening my eyes to these things and bringing great sorrow (also reassurance but mainly sorrow because of my sins).

So now we are back together. But I have been thinking about what my mom told me. I thought back to all the things that have been done to me that love had blinded me to. I think in a healthy relationship it’s good for love to cover the small imperfections of someone, my goal is to find out what a healthy relationship is because this is my first. I was already shopping for engagement rings when she ended our relationship for what (had I not spend t hours and hours on the phone explaining why the stress of classes, money, long distance, her friends who don’t even know me telling her to end it and party with them, and some other things) would have been forever.

I’m not perfect, but she has never ever questioned her trust in me because in two years I’ve never done anything to suggest she should (regarding other females). But like I said I’m not perfect and lack in other areas like motivating myself to get her flowers etc. and not be lazy sometimes.

So I started thinking about what my mom said and many things came to mind. It’s not my right to call out another’s sins and that’s not what I’m trying to do I just have no basis for what’s normal.

Early on she told me about a guy sending her nudes. I said why haven’t you blocked him?

She told me she going to video chat a guy to ask for math help (I believe this was her intention) and I said why not ask me, I took it last year? This was a big fight.

She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.

I told her I can see straight through her apartment window into her shower, and she refused to fix it for two weeks.

One day a really hot guy came next to us with his pet, and she pet it and gave him the look she gave me the first time she saw me. I asked to see her phone right after and she hid it, she was looking up “how to know if you’re with the right guy”. I cried for days, and that image of her eyes burned into my mind.

I’m constantly apologizing to her for things I know I didn’t do wrong for the sake of not fighting. I’m patient and she can be very stubborn and hot headed. If she doesn’t hear something she likes, she will say goodnight and hang up. If I give her advice, she says stop demeaning me you’re not my dad. She gets so mad when I’m right about something and one of my biggest flaws and I know it’s so unhealthy is to always point out when I’m right. I did it so she’d trust my advice, but she saw it as demeaning and I understand why and have stopped.

When I went through addiction, I was lazy and not motivated, but I never stopped loving her and supporting her even when I was suicidal which she doesn’t know about. Now that she is stressed from college she so easily gave me up.

When I talk on video chat (long distance) she will be on Instagram the whole time, and when I ask her something she’ll always ask me to repeat it. As I just stare at the screen wanting some emotional connection.

I woke up one day to her watching porn by my side. She hid it too late, and we didn’t say a word for hours. Once again I cried. I deserved this one. Here I am complaining about how my girlfriend won’t have sex with me for 3 months (no interest in me because of the porn I assume) and do I have a right to be mad when she’s committing the same adultery online? No. I’m drowning in my own sins. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.

That’s what’s so hard is that even though I know I’m just as bad if not WORSE of a sinner, I don’t know if this is a normal relationship. When we have good times they are amazing, but she (also her longest relationship) feels like the honeymoon phase should last forever.

When I disapproved of her friend (who told her to break up with me) cheating on her boyfriend, I was told that I’m mean and wrong and judging and rude.

I asked her to not have her butt sticking out at the beach, and she chose a bikini with her butt sticking out. I said I won’t choose for you just keep me in mind when you choose one. I said how am I supposed to enjoy the beach when I’m the only guy there not lusting after you. Sure enough a week from today we will be at the beach and I have seen the picture of her bikini and could see the stock photo model’s entire butt. She believes that wearing skimpy clothes is “women’s empowerment”. When I said “is it not more empowering to pass up the drooling of other men and wear what’s comfortable and modest?” Nope.

There are more things that I won’t get to and LET ME BE CLEAR: I could write a list even longer about myself, I’m just trying to figure out if her behavior is normal or unhealthy.

I’ve gone to church with her and her family and she’s struggling with her faith but appears to be trying. The thing that stabs my gut more than anything above is when she gets annoyed when I talk about how Jesus has affected my life. Sometimes she acts happy but many times she acts annoyed like “can we talk about something else”.

I’m sorry that this has been such a persecuting and horrible thread and I feel bad for posting it, and I love her so so so much. But I’m so lost right now and know that I need to follow Jesus not my flesh. I hope that I’m not just being a hypocrite, because I have done many bad things too I just need clarity on whether this is all normal or not. A lot of them are probably just my jealously and insecurity and needing to fix myself (the long distance has made this worse).

Thank you.
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You've outgrown her. When you were at your low point with addiction and suicide she was the type of girl that would be around.

Now that your energy has changed and you have matured, her energy does not align with you. So everything feels wrong because it is.

My advice is to move on and keep going with the self improvement. Learn your lessons from the relationship... Like giving flowers once in a while. Learn the"signs" of dysfunction.. Aka the fact she's a liberal and believes dismantling an unborn baby is okay. It's hard to hold a logical conversation with someone like that.

Think about what you want in a partner like loyalty, trust, shared faith, family values? If so, she currently has none of these. Don't waste your time trying to change someone.... They'll end up changing you!

Allow her the freedom to move on and possibly grow as a person on her own (with God's help). Free yourself from this drama and allow God to bring the person meant for you.
 
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