judging people for not marrying

[Raine]

Our pastor always jokes around... He says, "Raise your hand if you're single." We raise our hands. "Okay, let me start pairing you off now two by two." Lol.

 

[maxwel]

I had a friend pretty much announce to everyone in the room that oh, so and so are both single. Or, she would go up to strange men (granted he was a christian artist in a major label), and say oh, my friend is also single. Grr. That is so embarrassing, not to mention other stuff. I finally ended up telling her to quit it, and how it was making me feel.

I've also had one or two guys ask me if I was gay. Yep, that's right, you read it correctly.

Then, I had a married man said if he was single he would date me. (That was a neighbor.) Then about a few months to a year later, he wanted me to come visit him at his house, cause his family was out of town, and he was going to be lonely. NOT. I am crazy, not so desperate that I would steal another woman's husband. That was a few years ago, and they just recently got divorced. Not sure why, but I don't really want to know why.

Another acquaintance asked me to marry him because he didn't want to be lonely for the Holidays. I was interested at all, so he was quite easy to turn down.

And of course the old, "Don't you want to get married." "Oh you are so lucky, you have all the free time in the world." Yeah right. They forget there is only me paying for my bills, so I have to work enough to get them taken care of, not to mention training I might have to have, for various jobs, and meetings and conferences. That really is a lot of free time. And because I'm single, some people just assume I like to go out and have fun, when really I'm a homebody.

You should win an award.

That has got to be the worst proposal EVER!

: )

But hey, at least you're popular.

 

[Liamson]

Well.... I've learned a lot about myself over the course of even this summer. One of the conclusions that I came to is that Love is for the young. When I was young falling in love was easy.


I have always wanted to kind of love that grows with me. But I feel like that window is all but closed, because that kind of love is for the young.



The people that I see getting at my age married now, have a different sort of love. Its not a love that takes on the world and everything to come but, a love that says, "You won't hurt me. You are a nice person. I don't have to be alone anymore." And for them, that is enough.



Marriage is not my sacred cow, but love is. A love that is made of courage is not the same as a love that is born out of fear of being left behind or a fear of being alone or a fear of being hurt. So, for the one's who don't settle because life is too short, I am with you.


People can aim for marriage and hope that it does for them, all the things they hope it does for them but that risk is ludicrous.



The older I get the more ludicrous the prospect of getting married becomes. So I don't judge.


But my mother, she judges me. She says, "What is wrong with Grace? She's a nice girl. You're just too picky."



Yes, yes I am.


Because Love is my sacred cow.

 

[cinder]

1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?

1. I'm always interested in motivation for this. Some people you don't need to know more than 5 minutes before you can understand why no one wants to be with them, others have remained single because no good relationship opportunity has presented itself. Those who are single and focused on being in a relationship, I won't be hanging around for long. Those who are older and never married I'm starting to look to as role models, especially if they have done so in a good godly way.

2. Having never been married myself I would prefer to date someone who had never married nor had a marriage like relationship (i.e. living with a gf). But I would definitely prefer the guy who had been married and faithful to his wife over the guy who had never been married and slept around with a bunch of different women (even if that was before christ and well past).

3. Personally, I think I radiate a this is not something I talk about so don't ask field. But what I observe is that people seem to have the attitude that being married to just about anyone would be better than being single. I always want to quickly stand up and say that marriage is about finding a good person to spend the rest of your life with. Not achieving some sort of status that is supposed to magically make you happy.

 

[jeremyPJ]

I think a lot of this has to do with who you keep for company. In past times, I was not wise in who my friends were, nor was I a Christian. And I basically got trampled and dissed quite well for not partaking of women, I was after the one. And I lived at home in my twenties for a while, and I got my character burnt by other men for that too, often.

But funny, that isn't a big deal anymore. Some of these folks may be raising their grandchildren now...what comes around, you know the rest...lol

I had a "friend" who gave me a lot of grief among my male coworkers about not doing my "manly duties". This helped to propel me into a long relationship that brought me a wonderful daughter, but also a stroke and an awful lot of games and heartache. Of course some of this is my fault, but there's a part of me that would like to slap the $#!z out of them, just once.

 

[Roh_Chris]

1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

It does not matter to me whether someone is single beyond the average age of marriage. I am learning the lesson of 'Never judge a book by its cover'. There will always be a reason behind why people are unmarried despite being old enough.

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

Hmmm, it depends. Is she someone much older than me (like 3 years or more)? Then I am less likely to date her. Is she someone around my age (2 years or less)? Then I am highly likely to date. The first reason is because I am not comfortable with dating a girl who is much older than me. There would be too many ego-clashes and I am wary of hearing the phrase 'I know it because I am speaking from age/experience.' It is easier if only 1 or 2 years separate her and me so. Secondly, I require more time to get married (say another 2-3 years), so dating somebody who is pushing 30 and wants to get married soon is not possible.

So, considering that I turn 26 in 9 days from today and I want to stay unmarried for another 2-3 years, a girl who is within 28 and who can stay unmarried till she is 30 or 31, is okay with me.

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?

Oh I have. It is funny, really. But in India girls get married by the time they turn 21 or 22, and guys get married around 25 or 26. So people have already started being 'unwelcomed matchmakers' in my life. Anyway, this is my self-lesson lesson and I want to share it with all the other single folks here. Feel free to share it everywhere (you don't owe me royalties!).

Can you enjoy your own company? Think of at least 5 different relaxation activities that you would love to do. It can be singing, playing music, cooking, travelling, running, sparring, swimming, just about anything! Now do you picture yourself doing these activities by yourself or with a partner?

If in at least 3 activities you find a partner involved, then you are really not cut out for a single life. Being single would be a huge drain on you emotionally and physically. I am not saying that you must hop from one relationship to another, but I am saying that you must look out for a stable relationship by identifying the red flags early on.

Let me share my analysis so that you get a picture of what I am talking about. My 5 activities are - playing music, eating, driving, sleeping and lazing around. For 2 of these activities I have a partner involved - playing music (since I play the guitar, I would love if she can sing or play the piano) and for driving (yep, a partner who can either drive or just travel). This means that I don't necessarily need to have a partner for me. The conclusion is that I can enjoy my own company. And it is true! I have travelled by myself to many places and I have no problems being alone. Though at times during the trip I miss a partner, I still enjoy my own company. That doesn't mean I would stay single all my life though.

So, the results of this simple test will give you a picture of who you really are. If you can enjoy your own company then don't rush into a relationship. Your 'knight in shining armour' is on his way but may be stuck in traffic.

 

[INTJer]

..."Another acquaintance asked me to marry him because he didn't want to be lonely for the Holidays."...

Yikes! That's downright creepy.

 

[Test_F_i_2_Luv]

1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

When I become aware that a person is single, my logical mentality sometimes wonders why the person is single. I can't say I spend much time speculating, though. I'm more likely to just observe and learn than to make assumptions.

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

As a never married guy who has no children, I'm looking for reciprocation only.

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?

People have said some odd things to you, gypsygirl!



I don't get a lot of strange comments in regards to my singleness. Secular friends will occasionally suggest that I date so-and-so, or volunteer to set me up with or put in a good word for me with so-and-so. My family has generally been very easy on me. My late grandma was probably the most difficult and would gently ask me every now and then "have you found yourself a girl yet?". When I responded that I hadn't, she would suggest that I move closer to home and that I'd probably be able to find a good one in the area.

I'd say I'm more likely to be asked why I'm still single than to hear odd comments. My response is generally very simple..."A good woman is hard to find". If the conversation continues, I'll add that I'm not looking to be an instant daddy or that I intend to be a one-woman man and want the same in a spouse.

 

[wisebeardman]

i just quit caring. why think about something that will never happen.

 

[lav]

1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

that's me... so i don't even know what to think. i don't think anything of it. my parents didn't marry or stay together. i guess my thoughts are that it wasn't meant to happen yet if ever. so i guess, i don't judge them at all.

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

i'd rather date someone who hasn't been married, but if they have and are divorced and we truly love each other and all the things that are important to us are there... if God seems to bless it then so be.

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?

it's happened. some guys have asked before 'why aren't you married?' my response is, 'i don't know.'

my response in my head is 'i don't know !@#$ %^&, but thanks for asking!'

 

[lav]

i just quit caring. why think about something that will never happen.

yep. i'm right there with you.

 

[wisebeardman]

yep. i'm right there with you.

indeed, to me thinking about this garbage is as laughable as idiots who waste money on the lotto thinking they are going to get rich, they are to much of a fool to understand the game is rigged.

 

[INTJer]

Here's a middle-aged man's perspective. It seems like by the time I got to be 45 or so, relatives started treating me differently (I'm 52 now). Sometimes I would go to my mom's house and notice some antique furniture missing - something that had been in the family. I would ask about it, and my mom would say, "I gave it to cousin so-and-so, she's likely to have children to pass it on." I rarely have personal discussions with my siblings, my mother, or other relatives - I like to keep what I call politely distant (my relatives are the last people on earth I would ask for relationship advice - it would be kind of like asking Arabs how to build an igloo). It used to be someone would say something like, "Maybe you'll find a nice girl." No one has said that to me in years, not that it matters. People have seldom tried to introduce me to someone. It could be because I am somewhat of a loner or for all I know they might think I'm gay or something.

I have found that women around my age are suspicious of a man who has never been married . I suppose I can't blame them as I am an unknown quantity but I can't say it never bothers me. I don't think I fit the usual stereotypes. I recently had a bad experience with a lady who had never been married and she was about my age. She seemed a little narcissistic and her complaint about me was that I am too serious about life. We all have a certain amount of baggage, whatever our history. I've never been "with it" socially. I was focused on education and work from an early age . Even as a young adult I was not really a part of America's youth culture. Even then, my idea of fun was to go to a museum or art gallery - not to go to a crowded stadium, or rock concert, or noisy bar. So it is kind of hard for me to isolate my being never married as something people would find strange from all the other things about me some people would find strange.

As far as church goes, single people over 40 are basically invisible - especially people who have never been married.

 

[Roh_Chris]

As far as church goes, single people over 40 are basically invisible - especially people who have never been married.

I have noticed this even in my church. There are a few single people who have not married but are pushing 40. Some folks at church just keep spreading rumours about them and making up stories about their past. Quit it people! Church is a fellowship not a courtroom!

 

[Ugly]

So weird to hear that people go through these things. I've rarely been broached about the subject from most people. Last time anyone tried to set me up, it was my mom. When i was 15. -.-
But really, its 90% single people that ask me why i'm still single. No one pushes the subject if it is ever brought up to begin with. Most of my local family members haven't even brought it up in the past 5 or so years that i've lived here.
I guess no one really cares that i'm single. haha. Better that than having to endure some of what i hear others have to.

 

[Fenner]

in the recent thread, "too many divorces" people were quick to point out how we ought not to judge people for being a divorcee, because the circumstances can be complicated. i saw a lot of support for those whose lives have been touched by divorce, which i think is great.

however, i couldn't help but think about the fact that in some ways, we as a community, and in some cases the world, don't just judge the divorced.

often, we judge the single people too.

i've had to learn to be quite comfortable with people speculating on my reasons for being unmarried at my age.

if you're a woman, at some point in your thirties you start getting lots of responses that are, well... quite interesting. often, quite unexpected. i would naturally assume at some point, guys get similar responses, though there seems to be a lot more acceptance and understanding for men who don't marry at "the expected age".

moreover, unless you've been in a similar situation, i can assure you: you'd be SHOCKED what people will say to you, right to your face (which always makes me curious what others think, but dare not say to me).

here's a small sampling of what i've heard before:

from the unsaved:

*wink wink* you're so lucky to have escaped such craziness! besides, single girls have more fun. ...so, tell me, just how much fun do you have?

you're smart! your career will be more loyal than a man.

i envy you. you don't have to share your closet, and get to do what you want. (christians say that one too)

living together is better. the courts will screw you out of everything you have and worked hard for anyway.

oh, my sister recently married her girlfriend in california. it was a beautiful ceremony.

from the christians:

you poor thing! someday God will provide a spouse for (even) you.

aren't you worried about not having children?

(nervously spoken) well, not everyone is called to be married, right?

weren't you a missionary?

i think so-and-so's brother isn't married yet. you too should get together!

you'd be surprised by some of the others stuff that didn't make the list. : ) naturally, i'm curious about your experiences and perceptions of such things, both from those of you who can relate to this (even if you've been divorced for awhile and have started to be on the receiving end of this) as well as those who meet men or women who've never married, in the context of considering them as potential "date" material, or otherwise.

1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?

For question one, my perception on a never married person, this is honestly how I feel, I don't think about it. I have often wondered what my life would have been like had I never married but why others haven't doesn't cross my mind. My Brother is 54 and has never married. He has gotten some odd questions and once at a family reunion an Uncle said to my Mom, maybe he's queer. I just walked away. He's not gay. He's had girl friends in the past. I don't know why he never married, and I've never asked him.

For number 2 if I was dating, before I got married I dated people who were never married. So I would date a non married person.

 

[biscuit]

1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

Not everyone wants to get married or is marriage for everyone. However, if a woman wants to marry, she should do it early if she finds the right guy because competition can be ferocious down the line. Men have a better chance in their later years than women. Some women don't place marriage at a high level because of other objectives more important to them such as a career and etc., and there isn't anything wrong with it. I think what is important to her is a decision she can live with. Being happy & satisfied with the decision. My perception is most women want to be married and most men are reluctant to marry. I think men are more comfortable being single than women. That's my perception after being here and on the secular boards for many years.

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

She has to be single, without children and major issues. I find most divorcees carry excessive baggage from previous marriages, and generally not ready for dating.

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?

Uhh!! I got teased for not been married by men saying I must be gay or something wrong with me. What is so funny is ten years later, these men don't have anything to say to me or they just avoid me. LOL!! Why? because their relationships & marriages went way down south.

There have been men & women telling me how smart I was for not getting married, and wish they were single. Seen many men & women just jealous that I didn't go through 'hell' like they did. I really don't have many friends because of this issue. I saw at the age of 10 that I was likely not to marry. Why? My mother entertained many women in her house over the years, and I often heard first hand how many of these women felt about their husbands & boyfriends. And they weren't sweet about. I was around 10 when I heard these horrible chats. It got to a point that I prefer to listen to these chat than watch cartoons. As I got older I watched the various behavior of women locally, and knew I wasn't going to tolerate the silliness most men put up with in marriage or a relationship. I have absolutely no regrets for remaining single, however, I always had the door open.

 

[Raine]

Can you enjoy your own company? Think of at least 5 different relaxation activities that you would love to do. It can be singing, playing music, cooking, travelling, running, sparring, swimming, just about anything! Now do you picture yourself doing these activities by yourself or with a partner?

Hmm... This was an interesting test. I always feel like I would be ok being single but after that test it's obvious that I'm not meant to be single lol. I pretty much see myself doing something with someone all the time... That's why I always drag my siblings along lol.

I love worshipping and play piano, never really realized that I liked doing that with a partner until I visited Laos and met this one guy. I mean, I pretty much grew up on a worship team, though musically I am just average... But when I met this guy and we kinda liked each other... Long story short, i was playing piano and he joined me with his guitar and songbook and it was a really fun time. Since then, it's not a requirement, but I knew I would really enjoy marrying someone I could worship that way with.

I also like to hike, canoe, travel, and have my lazy days, which I see myself doing with someone. Lol. So I guess I'm not meant to be single as much as I think I am lol. It's not so bad right now since none of my siblings are married yet... So hurry along knight before I get lonely xD haha jk.

Early Happy Birthday btw Chris!

 

[Roh_Chris]

Hmm... This was an interesting test. I always feel like I would be ok being single but after that test it's obvious that I'm not meant to be single lol. I pretty much see myself doing something with someone all the time... That's why I always drag my siblings along lol.

So hurry along knight before I get lonely xD haha jk.

Early Happy Birthday btw Chris!

I am happy that it helped you realise something about yourself, Raine. Sometimes we may want things which we should not have. I think that's why we often end up wanting the opposite of what God plans for us. Reading what you posted, I agree with you. You may not be able to handle being single. I hope and pray that the traffic clears up and your knight reaches you soon.

Thank you so much for the early birthday wishes! That was very thoughtful of you!

 

[Jonathan1977]

What to say about this subject? I have had many people ask me why I wasn't married yet since I am so nice, but I don't have any good answers for them. I can't tell you how many times I have had someone say to me,"Oh you will find someone" or the like, but I can tell what they are thinking is," It won't be me or anyone I know." I have also been told that I am the kind of guy that is and I quote,"Someone who is marriage material, but not date material." I know all this sounds pessimistic, but it is just at it happened. Now what I believe is that it will take a special woman to be the one. God made me special, so I expect that if the Lord sends me someone she will be special too.