Do you have friends who make you feel down/worse? How do you deal with this? I am thinking of two close friends in particular, both mean well. However one is a "misery loves company" type and more doom and gloom/complainer. For example she was feeling very lonely/moody, so in the end I was feeling a bit unsettled for a couple of days. We have deep conversations and get along otherwise. I have told her she is doom and gloom, and even advised her not to be this way while dating (she is married now). The other is very direct and I find her insensitive at times. We disagree on many things but she otherwise a genuine and honest person. I have told her she has patronized me, and she grew upset and said she has never patronized me. In both cases I was honest with how I feel but the situations have not improved. I believe these are personality issues and they will never change.
Well your "doom and gloom" friend may actually be your "depressed" friend, and thus not a personality issue but something deeper that may require treatment. And if that is so your approach definitely would not help.
And honesty is rarely respected anymore. I find those people willing to speak honestly and upfront are often viewed negatively in a world where warm fuzzies and back patting are preferred.
Perhaps they don't do well in their approach, or perhaps you simply don't handle their approach well. I also tend to be direct and many dislike it, but there are people out there that appreciate it because everything is clear and understood. Sometimes its less about the delivery and more about the way it's perceived. Or sometimes we just don't want to hear the truth.
And to them saying they haven't done these things to you have you considered that they are sincere when they say this?
My gf has told me at time the way I respond to things makes her feel stupid. Yet I don't think of her as stupid whatsoever. I actually believe she's smarter than she gives herself credit for. So at no point have I ever thought or felt that way, yet she had perceived it at times. I don't know what I've said or done to make her feel that way, so to my mind that's not true.
But I do have a history of being misunderstood and taken wrongly. I spent many years hearing the same criticisms about how I came across to people and never understood why. I refused to believe it until I heard it so many times I had to acknowledge it. To this day I still don't know what people saw that way, and I've asked and tried to understand.
So to think that you having an issue with how someone is is supposed to change them is fairly unreasonable.
But here's another way to view this situation. You have to friends whose ways you dislike. You inform them of these things and are surprised they didn't just change simply because you pointed them out. And so bothered by it that you feel a need to complain to others that they didn't listen to you and conform to your way of seeing things.
Do we view you as a caring friend trying to help others out? Or intolerant and selfish expecting others to change to suit you?
Generally complaing about major aspects of a persons behavior will not change a thing. If a person sees and acknowledges it as a negative then working with them on specifics is of greater benefit than simply pointing out something and expecting them to change.
And part of that involves listening to them to understand what causes it.
For example I tend to be straight forward because I was the youngest of 4 children and a quiet person among three older, louder siblings. So I had to learn to make my words count to get anything across, and sometimes had to be pushy to get that much.
And often felt that way growing up outside of the family as well. So now that's part of me.
Note I am not accusing you of anything merely presenting other ways of seeing and understanding the behaviors of others. In all honesty I expect nothing to change based off anything I said, but I at least feel right knowing I tried.
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