If you would like to marry soon...….?

[cinder]

Okay I think I have my answer to this thread's question. As this question is often asked on this forum, I may copy the following answer to a .txt file for pasting in subsequent similar threads.

I would like to someday find a lady who is willing to talk, listen, trust and be trustworthy. If she and I are both consistent in these things, I think it will cover everything else.

I want to be able to do things for her because I love her, not because I'm afraid she will nag me until I do what she wants, or pout and act spitfully if I don't do what she wants. I want to be able to discuss things she wants that I don't want, or things I want that she doesn't want, until we both understand each other on why the things are important to one and why the other doesn't want them. I want for us to be able to make decisions as a team, not as me trying to get my way versus her trying to get her way.

This is a lot to ask, because first it takes trust. I have to be able to trust her to consider OUR interests instead of only HER interests, and she has to have the same trust in me. If that trust ever fails, everything else will fall too. It takes being willing to talk, and sometimes talk for a while, and sometimes try five different ways of explaining until one of us understands why the other wants something so badly and one understands why the other so strongly does not want it. It takes being patient, not just saying "Oh never mind!" and giving up. It takes being willing to try to understand.

Now I know these relationships exist. I have seen a lot of them. I haven't seen it in MOST relationships... in fact I have seen it in slightly less than half the relationships I have seen... but I have seen enough to know these relationships do exist. They may not be very GOOD at communicating, but they are willing to keep trying until they get their signals straight between them, because each actually cares about what the other thinks and feels, and each wants the other to be happy. Not just "happy enough to give me what I want and not nag me," they really care about each other. The other slightly-more-than-half the relationships I have seen seem to be based on "What can I get out of this, and what do I have to put into it?"

My problem though, and the reason I am still single, is the local ladies I know who are willing to communicate... are already married. Happily married, to guys who are also willing to communicate with them. The remaining local single ladies view disagreements as automatic arguments and discussions as confrontations. If somebody disagrees with them they immediately drop into conversational battle mode.

Bleh. Forever alone.

But yeah, that's the kind of lady I dream of finding one day. One who is willing to talk and listen instead of arguing, one who is willing to explain and willing to work as a team of two people facing the world.

Great post. Does make me wonder where the line is between arguing and argressive discussion, though?

 

[Lynx]

I think it mostly has to do with the objective: Getting my way? Seeking information? Proving I am right and you are wrong? Trying to figure something out? If motive doesn't draw the line, it at least defines the area.

 

[GaryA]

Great post. Does make me wonder where the line is between arguing and argressive discussion, though?

Somewhere on that line is attitude and intention.

 

[Hamarr]

There were some actual good answers in here.

To answer more seriously, I’m still not sure what I really want in life. There is a part of me that would love to get married and have kids, but I have also been around so much broken, toxic and destructive relationships that I often wonder if it is worth it at all.

At a minimum, I would want a partner to add more to my life more than they take away. Lynx described a lot of those attributes pretty well. I’ve known a number of women that almost seem to delight in making their SO miserable or try to be an equal by obnoxiously butting heads all the time. I would prefer to work together more.

I read a book awhile back on things to look for in a potential wife and there were the biggies like matching values (being a Christian, etc), but also not borderline, narcissistic and having healthy and mature coping skills, problem solving strategies, and communication. There is a big borderline streak on my mom’s side of the family. I do not want to be married to someone like my mom or my aunts.

I guess with that goes that those healthy attributes are things I am working on myself. I can’t ask for those things myself with striving for them, too.

 

[Lynx]

I want to be able to do things for her because I love her...

Okay I didn't explain this part well. And I really should have, because it is important to what I was trying to say.

I want to be able to see something at the store that I know she likes and get it for her because I know she will enjoy it. I want to be able to give it to her without her feeling she has to get me something now.

I want to be able to fill her gas tank because I don't want her to have to deal with a gas pump, or just because I feel like it, or because I don't want her to have to think about getting gas. I want to be able to do this without her wondering what I want her to do for me.

I want to be able to call her if I'm going to be home late because I don't want her to worry about me. I want to be able to decide to call without thinking she will be suspicious if I don't call, and I want her to know I called her because I didn't want her to worry, not because I didn't want her to be suspicious of me.

I want to be able to do these things because I love her, and I want her to know and more importantly BELIEVE I am doing them because I love her, not because I want something from her or because I want to forestall nagging or suspicion.

 

[LittleMermaid]

I think the most important thing for a person to have is the 9 Fruits of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If a man has those qualities and I find him at least somewhat attractive...I'd be all in.

 

[Lynx]

I think the most important thing for a person to have is the 9 Fruits of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If a man has those qualities and I find him at least somewhat attractive...I'd be all in.

Great. Now my music nerd brain is playing:

The fruit of the Spirit's not a coconut
The fruit of the Spririt's not a coconut
If you wanna be a coconut
You might as well hear it
You can't be a fruit of the Spirit

 

[Dave40]

All that matters to me is that she is saved loves God and that she has a good heart... A good heart makes a person beautiful inside and outside

 

[Princesse]

Must Haves...

Understands his purpose and is seeking to accomplish a shared vision
Self-aware and able to admit mistakes, challenges and ask for help
Ethical leader with vision who owns his decisions and outcomes
Knows his limitations and continues to learn and grow
Communicates well and is socially adept
Adaptable and isn’t daunted by success or wealth
Well read, cultured, and willing to try new things
Disciplined, self-controlled and isn’t defeatist or a quitter
Isn’t overly religious, intolerant, or uncomfortable around unbelievers
Not a smoker, drug user, or wrestling with addictions
Has good manners and is comfortable being in the public eye

 

[BrotherMike]

Must Haves...

Understands his purpose and is seeking to accomplish a shared vision
Self-aware and able to admit mistakes, challenges and ask for help
Ethical leader with vision who owns his decisions and outcomes
Knows his limitations and continues to learn and grow
Communicates well and is socially adept
Adaptable and isn’t daunted by success or wealth
Well read, cultured, and willing to try new things
Disciplined, self-controlled and isn’t defeatist or a quitter
Isn’t overly religious, intolerant, or uncomfortable around unbelievers
Not a smoker, drug user, or wrestling with addictions
Has good manners and is comfortable being in the public eye

 

[Belka]

^ That's a whole new level of "high standards", haha! (teases @Princesse )
She can afford it though, because she's on that same level.

*

I like what @LittleMermaid said about the fruit of the Spirit. The marks of a true Christian. But that seems to be the "basics", almost.

So I would also add:

- a common sense of purpose, or mission... That is extremely important, IMO. At least for me. I can't imagine being with someone and not sharing a common vision of some kind for the glory of God.​

​

- they would need to be a prayer person and a worship person. If I am going to marry someone, they'd better be used to getting in the presence of the Lord and not shy about it, either. Someone bold enough to pray or worship in all circumstances and not limited by what other people might think.​

​

That's my own goal for my life, and my walk with Christ, and I intend to get there - by His grace, naturally... And I think it'd be a great help and encouragement for me to be with someone who's even more advanced in that area or at least on the same level.​

​

- they'd also need to have a heart for the lost, and be open to regular intercession of all kind and spontaneous evangelism. Because that's where my heart is. I want to see people saved and touched by God's love and power.​

Overall I think it's not so much about their own individual traits, but how we interact with each other and the relationship we have and how much of God is in it. If we get along well, both pray and worship in similar ways, have a similar understanding of Scripture, and have a common vision / mission... Then those are the most important things, to me.

I want to bring glory to GOD first and foremost. Romance and cuddling are secondary (those are great, don't get me wrong). But what can we do together for the advancement of the Kingdom? I don't want them to only look at me. I want them to look at the Lord and then look at other people and how we can serve them and help them. Team-work for heavenly purposes, if you will.

So in that regard, I want my marriage to be God-centered first and foremost, and focusing on spiritual things.

And I believe if God is put first, the rest will follow.

In terms of personal preference as to their personality, I like people who are multi-layered and with many different sides to them. Serious yet funny, firm yet gentle, confident yet kind, reserved yet sincere and honest. Someone with some complexity.

But regardless of all that, if God can use us and our union for His purposes, that's ultimately the best thing.

My current position on that : ) Might change with time.

 

[Lynx]

Must Haves...

Understands his purpose and is seeking to accomplish a shared vision
Self-aware and able to admit mistakes, challenges and ask for help
Ethical leader with vision who owns his decisions and outcomes
Knows his limitations and continues to learn and grow
Communicates well and is socially adept
Adaptable and isn’t daunted by success or wealth
Well read, cultured, and willing to try new things
Disciplined, self-controlled and isn’t defeatist or a quitter
Isn’t overly religious, intolerant, or uncomfortable around unbelievers
Not a smoker, drug user, or wrestling with addictions
Has good manners and is comfortable being in the public eye

Most of the people I know are still working on the first one. I know I haven't got it completely figured out yet.

 

[Princesse]

^ That's a whole new level of "high standards", haha! (teases @Princesse )
She can afford it though, because she's on that same level.

You’re correct and it isn’t the right situation for everyone.

 

[Princesse]

Most of the people I know are still working on the first one. I know I haven't got it completely figured out yet.

Understanding your purpose is a game changer. It frames your decisions in a different light. A prospect may appeal to my senses while being ill-suited for the realities of my calling.

I recollect a story Billy Graham shared. His wife wanted to be a missionary to Tibet. But he told her that the Lord hadn’t called him to that path and if she believed he was the one for her she would need to follow him.

When we know His desires we’re obligated to walk within that light. To forge a lasting union you need something greater than yourself as its center and a mission whose importance exceeds the challenges you encounter en route to its fulfillment.

Mission is the glue. It’s the greater thing that enables a pair to stay the course during moments of trials and weakness. Few can do so in light of a partner or their children. You need something which compels and calls upon the higher man.

I will fail him. But failing God is a another stratosphere.

 

[Avisanct]

I would like my future other half to be gentle, as faithful as male penguins and a good listener and preferably have a sense of humor. I know I ask too much!

(Now playing🎧 "Need to be in Love" by The Carpenters)

 

[Hungry]

Must Haves...

Understands his purpose and is seeking to accomplish a shared vision
Self-aware and able to admit mistakes, challenges and ask for help
Ethical leader with vision who owns his decisions and outcomes
Knows his limitations and continues to learn and grow
Communicates well and is socially adept
Adaptable and isn’t daunted by success or wealth
Well read, cultured, and willing to try new things
Disciplined, self-controlled and isn’t defeatist or a quitter
Isn’t overly religious, intolerant, or uncomfortable around unbelievers
Not a smoker, drug user, or wrestling with addictions
Has good manners and is comfortable being in the public eye

So if he is focused and his mission is to move from fry cook, to assistant manger of McDonald’s, you want his number? Your list is stacked heavily on the side of purpose yet completely lacking in anything that makes life enjoyable. How about whether he enjoys children? Pets? How he likes to spend his down time? Couples need to be effective workmates, absolutely! However, there needs to balance or there will be burnout. Happy couples play together. What is your idea of fun? Beaches or snow covered mountains? Black tie galas or back yard barbecues? My prediction it you will fall in love with your boss or a client.

 

[Princesse]

So if he is focused and his mission is to move from fry cook, to assistant manger of McDonald’s, you want his number? Your list is stacked heavily on the side of purpose yet completely lacking in anything that makes life enjoyable. How about whether he enjoys children? Pets? How he likes to spend his down time? Couples need to be effective workmates, absolutely! However, there needs to balance or there will be burnout. Happy couples play together. What is your idea of fun? Beaches or snow covered mountains? Black tie galas or back yard barbecues? My prediction it you will fall in love with your boss or a client.

You are drawing a lot of conclusions and getting carried away with your assumptions based on limited details from someone you’ve never met. I elected to share some of the qualities that I value. I’m not required to meet your expectations or anyone else’s in my response.

And I won’t.

 

[Lynx]

Dear Princesse:

Please be aware that a comment that questions or disagrees with something you say is NOT automatically an argument. You do NOT have to immediately defend yourself.

(No, this has nothing to do with your reply to me. I am watching you do it over and over, with everybody who says anything you think might possibly contradict you.)

In fact, if you take questions and disagreements as discussions instead of arguments, you might learn some surprising things about people... maybe even a few things about yourself.

Thank you, and enjoy the forum.

 

[Hungry]

You are drawing a lot of conclusions and getting carried away with your assumptions based on limited details from someone you’ve never met. I elected to share some of the qualities that I value. I’m not required to meet your expectations or anyone else’s in my response.

And I won’t.

I have no expectations for you to meet. My response was inviting you to share more of the personality traits that you find favourable. Clearly you can’t be all business and no pleasure. I wouldn’t expect the target of your affection to be either. What gives us pleasure defines us equally with what gives us purpose. If you don’t wish to reveal that side, which you didn’t, perfectly fine. I was just curious. I think we all make conclusions based on data. I’m sure you have an image of all the people you have interacted with on here, accurate or inaccurate. So, I shall deduce the image of you falling for someone in an authoritative position, at an occupation of similarity, or an ambitious client, both driven but needing your assistance was a bold assumption, completely missing the mark? Apologies...truly. Be blessed....again, truly.

 

[Princesse]

I have no expectations for you to meet. My response was inviting you to share more of the personality traits that you find favourable. Clearly you can’t be all business and no pleasure. I wouldn’t expect the target of your affection to be either. What gives us pleasure defines us equally with what gives us purpose. If you don’t wish to reveal that side, which you didn’t, perfectly fine. I was just curious. I think we all make conclusions based on data. I’m sure you have an image of all the people you have interacted with on here, accurate or inaccurate. So, I shall deduce the image of you falling for someone in an authoritative position, at an occupation of similarity, or an ambitious client, both driven but needing your assistance was a bold assumption, completely missing the mark? Apologies...truly. Be blessed....again, truly.

I haven’t formed an opinion of anyone. I’m glimpsing a sliver of your countenance in sound bytes here and there. I am more inclined to observe how the person conducts themselves in their interactions. Courtesy and kindness are attributes I value in my discourse.

Having a laundry list of qualities is pointless and detailing every aspect to the letter is unwise. There will always be attributes you didn’t anticipate and others that arrive in a measure you weren’t expecting. You need to know the why behind your choice. When you substantiate a desire with concrete truths it pulls it from the clouds, grounds it, and makes it real.

Oftentimes the result of the exercise is streamlining and that’s a must. We have a bad habit of equating ideals with facts. When you unpack the reasons you’re forced to consider the why and frequency of its presence.

The person who must have a movie lover as a partner will have evidence of the same in themselves or another connection. One of the ways to gauge your seriousness is to analyze the common denominators in your relations. Both intimate and platonic. What keeps cropping up? What rarely appears? How many items on your list did you find within them each?

That is the difference between what we believe and what we do. And my response is the latter. It is a summation of fit not preference. That is my approach with everyone in my circle.

Your desire to deduce an outcome is the antithesis of my mindset. Placing others in a box prohibits us from appreciating differences and developing tolerance.

I don’t want someone who thinks, feels, or communicates as I do. I don’t need them to draw the same conclusions or share my insight to understand. I want them to walk in the fullness of their divine makeup. Not the limited being others promote.

God’s will shall be accomplished. That’s a fact.